SANDMAN DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v THE ONLY TEAM IN NORWAY ANYONE CAN NAME IN 5 SECONDS. ("Ronny Deila!" DOES NOT COUNT)

Sandman

Well-known member
SANDMAN DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v THE ONLY TEAM IN NORWAY ANYONE CAN NAME IN 5 SECONDS. ("Ronny Deila!" DOES NOT COUNT)




"Hordes of them. Hundreds, in Hoops, pished, singing songs of things we know not of. We cried. We hid."

- Viking Chieftain.



"Griffiths has travelled! We are back in business! Productions levels are up, we have jobs galore!"

- Norwegian Minister for Porn Industry



"Just make sure yeez pump the Zombies on the 29th, or ye'll ruin my holidays."

- Santa.




GORDON : Almost N/A but 8/10

Big Pinky lit up the Arctic circle with his fuschia keeper's tap and spent the entire first half a lone pink blob in an empty expanse of green, like Shrek's wayward nipple.
Commanded his box well as pressure grew second half and chose his passes well enough to silence the Distribution Polis.


KT : 8/10

Young superhero charged up and down that line like a good 'un, firing in some telling crosses and only receded in effectiveness as tiredness set in, occasionally a bit tatty with his play late on; could have had more defensive help from Sincy.


BOYATA : 8/10

Up against taxi-driver assassin Bender/Benter/Bendingbentshot (choose a name ffs) and big Dedryck coped well a day after his 28th birthday, despite livening things up with a few bits of risky business. Sell! Sell!


BENKOVIC : 8/10

Made up a solid Celtic defensive wall that held out really well. Composed as Beethoven's 9th, assured as the Huns' financial demise, he exhibits all that's frustrating about the level we operate at; i.e we can't bloody afford him.


LUSTIG : 8/10

Police Captain Lustig was a rock. Up against a lightning-quick winger, he showed all his bigtime experience to cope well - stiffed his opponent after ten minutes and bought himself some fear-factor that bode well for the rest of the game.
There's talk of a 12-month extension; make it 24, have him here for 10IAR; he has an invaluable contribution to make to our mindset in games like this.
Any arguments, just watch a re-run of Sweden holding Italy in the San Siro to knock them out the World Cup.


CALMAC : 7.5/10

Very tidy, marshalled his area of the field well, prompted and prodded; still lightweight in that defensive mid role as was shown when Rosenborg threw on a sub (dirty bastard, given) to rumble him up which affected our rhythm second-half.


CHRISTIE : 6.5/10

Still dynamic and full of energy despite things not falling for him; a number of duff touches at crucial moments and so excited to be playing he actually decided to liven it up by blocking a certain goal from Eddy. his movement was good, just one of those nights for him otherwise.


FORREST : 8.5/10

The Prestwick Flying Flasher was dynamite as he tore around the park like a human Speedy Gonzales.
Sent his full-back to Santaland and back, contorting him to set up the winner. Thankfully survived an attempted-maiming by scruffily-barneted Rosenborg irritant who resembled one of those dodgy kids from gloomy 1970s Scandinavian children's dramas set in small towns on the edge of sinister woodland.


ROGIC : 9/10

The furthest North Aussie EVER. Has been appointed official 'Antipodean Arctic Explorer Bloke' by the Oz government.
Big T looked immune to the climate, partially due to a pre-match six-pack of XXXX. Silken marvels produced with every touch, which we should have done more with.
Faded late on but that was due mainly to his worrying about the proximity of polar bears; 90% of Australians believe they are huge albino kangaroos. Fact.



SINCY : 7/10

Almost. And Aye. Sonic The Hedgehog returns; just about. Got a bit of his dynamism back about him and looked a threat. Then would disappear. Only to re-emerge and deliver. Kept his heid to place it beautifully with his heid for the goal. Just get that confidence bubbling, Scotty bhoy and tear it up again.



EDDY MERCURY : 7/10

Like Sincy, like Christie, nearly on it but final touch and decision-making let him down. But if you watch his general demeanour in these big games, he's no shrinking violet any more; shoulders getting bigger as he's asked to carry the team up front.
As a comparison, note how we offered nothing when he was swapped for Sparky; not Sparky's game-style, really, but Eddy's physical presence is certainly becoming more evident; upset them all first half.



SUBS:


GRIFFITHS : 6/10

Distracted all evening by the Scandinavian hotties in the crowd, Sparky did his level best to charge around and make an impression.
But given he was a slave to frothing hormones and could hardly run due to aching baws, plus not knowing the score or exactly who we were playing - "Sweden or sumfin'" - he handled it all well until the final whistle when he threw himself into the crowd at the Rosenborg end and disappeared under a writhing horde of screaming blonde babes.


GAMBOA : 7/10

Tony Montana, the enigma - if he's not zipping around like a coked-up jailbreaker and blowing a cross into the upper tier, he's popping up between lumbering giants at our back post to make a goal-saving block on a header with his back.
After he tied up Neymar like Hannibal Lecter during the World Cup, I'll always make a case for keeping him; the unpredictability - it's like having a dice with one deaths-head face, or a revolver with one bullet and five empty chambers.


BROON : 7/10

Captain Marvel returns and slots in like he'd never been away. Straight back into the Broon Hoose in front of the defence, dictating the tempo and discipline.
Good to have the presence and psyche back at the heart of the team when times get tough. Goes to St.Petersburg and strolls about in a t-shirt, goes to Trondheim and shaves his head because he was WARM.
Take note, pussies...



BR 8/10

Set everything up right, got the performance he must have dreamed of, may have felt the universe wasn't going to play ball as we struggled to kill them off.
Hope he took of JF due to that knock, wouldn't like to think he repeated his Leipzig error of removing our best ball-carrier too early; again we suffered with no out-ball.
Get a point off Salzburg and it'll be quite and achievement in his managerial career.



OVERALL : 9/10

Ridiculous ramping-up of tension last ten minutes as we failed to kill them off. Could have been coasting had we been sharper with final touches and finishing.
'Just lash it into the fcking net!' as you commented, probably more than once. The players' insistence on walking the ball up to their goal-line and then daring each other to kneel down and head it in almost came back to bite us.
BUT, the Bhoys have dragged themselves back from nowhere to be within a point of qualifying - a great feat and Rosenborg have always been sticky to get past. Now we get a grand finale at Celtic Park and possibly Euro competition after Xmas. Well done. Well fcking done, as they say in Norway.
 

Members online

Latest posts

Back
Top