Sandman
Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ CIRQUE DU PLASTIQUE
"Ehhh, wurnae intae the doon under hingmy wi the feenyinz.
Pure nae dugnuty, grubbin sloppy seconds fae they bamz.
Wur a big klub wi big idees. Just, big, man.
Wurnae inta tae boxin kangaroos cus wur wan-fufty-hunner
years old, n'at. So, eh, naw, rite? We Arra The Pussies."
- The Onion Bears Statement on the wee team getting an invite
to the big teams' do in front of the Billabong Boys.
Posted by William Willaimson V, great-grandson of William
'Who built the ships whit sunk thon Hitler' Williamson II,
and great-great grandson of William Williamson, sergeant-at-bams
of the Loyal Defenders Of The Shipyards 1914-1918.
ROXIE - 7/10
Never underestimate a showgirl's potential to
steal the show with a flourish - terrific flapper
hands to rival the Holy Goalie as Livi were
denied early and late by sheer net-tending quality.
TONY THE TIGER - 6.5/10
It was rumoured we'd go rough-and-ready with Tony,
and big Ange knows a scrapper when he sees one.
Even then, Tony's first-half was one of overhitting
everything until he settled into his usual reliable
rhythm in the sunny second.
GREGGS THE BAKER - 6.5/10
Another of industry and intensity. Battled his way
through it, more disciplined than usual, prioritising
protecting his wing rather than bursting forward.
Spot-on.
STAR LORD - 6.5/10
Almost let the racoon type this as it spluttered and
fizzed over Star Lord's rocky start. Blipped off passes,
and got mugged twice by Frank Bruno romping around up
front for them.
But his assist for the goal breezed in some Shelby
confidence and thereafter he was on-point, picking
off runs and passes, taking care over his own
distrubution, back to the assuredness of recent
outings.
GET CARTER - 7/10
Big man, big forwards (head and shoulders above him),
big game. And he seemed to relish the imminent
earth-shattering contact every time a high ball was
disputed, like one of those mad bastards who runs
with the bulls in Pamplona.
Today, Livi's bulls got a doing, and Carter will
be eating their balls for dinner.
CALMAC - 6/10
The skip's punched in a belter of a strike here
before, same end; Our oldest servant was still
carrying the curse, it seemed, as the pen and the
sitter mocked our hope.
But ultimately, he wasn't to be denied a win,
even if he couldn't exert the influence he'd
have liked.
ROGIC - 8/10
Anti-football Arena, meet the Messiah. Sunny as
home, and it brought out the best in Oz. On such
a ridiculously unpredictable pitch he just looked
like Nureyev perfroming Swan Lake on ice.
Movement and touch and deft release was an art
form before yer eyes. How you find such grace and
guile skiting around on that is down to intangible
talent.
BLOCKCHAIN - 8.5/10 MOTM
And for every maestro, there's an assistant.
On a pitiless artificial environment who better
to introduce than a half-human, half-coded assassin?
Never wasted a ball, and wasted plenty of the
opposition as he held the Celtic artistry together
and built the victory podium with the best holding
midfield performance of the season. Outstanding,
match-winning display.
JAMESY - 7/10
The consternation as Jamesy got the starting jersey,
lol. An obvious metaphysical ploy to cancel out his
nippy wee brother on the other side - resulting in
a zero-sum game, leaving it 10v10.
And once Alan had started greetin' on the phone to
his Mum about big brother not letting him play,
Jamesy went to town with the big boys in a scintillating
second-half that sealed the deal for us and produced
his finest goal since he lashed one in against the
Nazis in Rome; tremendous run to 'flash' onto his
standing leg then produce a finish worthy of Henrik,
angling it back across the keeper somehow...
Somehow? Well, we all know what he swung at it to
get that impact. Don't we girls? Evidenced by his
non-celebration; hands busy tucking.
LORD KATSUMOTO - 7.5/10
How troublesome. Much speculation about his inclusion
- do we need a big man down the middle? Turned out
our roadrunner brought enough havoc to their big men
at the back to fully justify his start. And he nicked
in for that precious opener right after the misses.
NOTEBOOK - 6.5/10
After he found his footing, it began to look like
he might be destructor-in-chief. But they focussed
on him heavily to quieten the threat after the break.
SUBS:
SON OF JACKIE - N/A
Came on for a rumble, put himself around well.
HAKUNA HATATE - N/A
Most of Japan is made of plastic so he felt at
home with a quiet cameo that allowed Little Nicky
to book him for...Racism.
THE BUILDER - N/A
The right guy to throw in there, as he's a lego
afficionado.
ABADASS - N/A
Everyone's non-Jamesy social media choice got a
late gig replacing the correct choice.
ANITA DOBSON - 8/10
It's been an emotional few days for Ange, a rough
time after hearing Neighbours will be cancelled
in the summer after 40 years. But he pulled himself
together and put away the Kylie albums to focus
on this trickiest of tricky tasks.
Once bitten, twice shy. Fool me once, shame on me.
Fool me twice, shame...fool...shucks, now watch this
drive.
Anyway, September follies gave way to the ides of
March and the boss threw a spinner in memory of Warney
that had everyone puzzled. Then all the controversial
picks went and did the business and big Ange looked on
with a, 'Yup'. Totally justified.
MIBBERY - 3/10
Little Nicky jumped the shark and awarded the Tims
a fucking penalty! Then denied another. Then threw
some yellows around to try and keep him on the goat
gangbang committee.
OVERALL - 8.5/10
They think it's all over... It isn't. Plastic waste
just refuses to decopmpose and we'll likely be back
there after the split, because they're a troublesome
outfit who carry a better physical set-piece threat
than most in the SPL.
The last Celtic manager to win a league game at
Livingston, Martin O'Neill, turned 70 this week -
an omen. Which also makes him 7 times older than
the Huns.
And the curse was lifted, with as much style as we
could have hoped for on a day of joyous relief.
We met their combative side with steel, and stayed
true to the Angeball philosophy of shifting it quick,
looking forward, trying to make transitions count.
Apart from the lapse for their scrambled goal which
dragged residual tension through the final twenty
minutes, this was a perfect plastic performance -
long overdue and absolutely timeous.
Now the Bhoys get a week's break to put their feet
up with popcorn and watch some Huns get kicked around
Belgrade while we anticipate a final eight games
of epic drama. Tenterhooks time, motherfuckers.
Enjoy.
Go Away Now.
Sandman.
"Ehhh, wurnae intae the doon under hingmy wi the feenyinz.
Pure nae dugnuty, grubbin sloppy seconds fae they bamz.
Wur a big klub wi big idees. Just, big, man.
Wurnae inta tae boxin kangaroos cus wur wan-fufty-hunner
years old, n'at. So, eh, naw, rite? We Arra The Pussies."
- The Onion Bears Statement on the wee team getting an invite
to the big teams' do in front of the Billabong Boys.
Posted by William Willaimson V, great-grandson of William
'Who built the ships whit sunk thon Hitler' Williamson II,
and great-great grandson of William Williamson, sergeant-at-bams
of the Loyal Defenders Of The Shipyards 1914-1918.
ROXIE - 7/10
Never underestimate a showgirl's potential to
steal the show with a flourish - terrific flapper
hands to rival the Holy Goalie as Livi were
denied early and late by sheer net-tending quality.
TONY THE TIGER - 6.5/10
It was rumoured we'd go rough-and-ready with Tony,
and big Ange knows a scrapper when he sees one.
Even then, Tony's first-half was one of overhitting
everything until he settled into his usual reliable
rhythm in the sunny second.
GREGGS THE BAKER - 6.5/10
Another of industry and intensity. Battled his way
through it, more disciplined than usual, prioritising
protecting his wing rather than bursting forward.
Spot-on.
STAR LORD - 6.5/10
Almost let the racoon type this as it spluttered and
fizzed over Star Lord's rocky start. Blipped off passes,
and got mugged twice by Frank Bruno romping around up
front for them.
But his assist for the goal breezed in some Shelby
confidence and thereafter he was on-point, picking
off runs and passes, taking care over his own
distrubution, back to the assuredness of recent
outings.
GET CARTER - 7/10
Big man, big forwards (head and shoulders above him),
big game. And he seemed to relish the imminent
earth-shattering contact every time a high ball was
disputed, like one of those mad bastards who runs
with the bulls in Pamplona.
Today, Livi's bulls got a doing, and Carter will
be eating their balls for dinner.
CALMAC - 6/10
The skip's punched in a belter of a strike here
before, same end; Our oldest servant was still
carrying the curse, it seemed, as the pen and the
sitter mocked our hope.
But ultimately, he wasn't to be denied a win,
even if he couldn't exert the influence he'd
have liked.
ROGIC - 8/10
Anti-football Arena, meet the Messiah. Sunny as
home, and it brought out the best in Oz. On such
a ridiculously unpredictable pitch he just looked
like Nureyev perfroming Swan Lake on ice.
Movement and touch and deft release was an art
form before yer eyes. How you find such grace and
guile skiting around on that is down to intangible
talent.
BLOCKCHAIN - 8.5/10 MOTM
And for every maestro, there's an assistant.
On a pitiless artificial environment who better
to introduce than a half-human, half-coded assassin?
Never wasted a ball, and wasted plenty of the
opposition as he held the Celtic artistry together
and built the victory podium with the best holding
midfield performance of the season. Outstanding,
match-winning display.
JAMESY - 7/10
The consternation as Jamesy got the starting jersey,
lol. An obvious metaphysical ploy to cancel out his
nippy wee brother on the other side - resulting in
a zero-sum game, leaving it 10v10.
And once Alan had started greetin' on the phone to
his Mum about big brother not letting him play,
Jamesy went to town with the big boys in a scintillating
second-half that sealed the deal for us and produced
his finest goal since he lashed one in against the
Nazis in Rome; tremendous run to 'flash' onto his
standing leg then produce a finish worthy of Henrik,
angling it back across the keeper somehow...
Somehow? Well, we all know what he swung at it to
get that impact. Don't we girls? Evidenced by his
non-celebration; hands busy tucking.
LORD KATSUMOTO - 7.5/10
How troublesome. Much speculation about his inclusion
- do we need a big man down the middle? Turned out
our roadrunner brought enough havoc to their big men
at the back to fully justify his start. And he nicked
in for that precious opener right after the misses.
NOTEBOOK - 6.5/10
After he found his footing, it began to look like
he might be destructor-in-chief. But they focussed
on him heavily to quieten the threat after the break.
SUBS:
SON OF JACKIE - N/A
Came on for a rumble, put himself around well.
HAKUNA HATATE - N/A
Most of Japan is made of plastic so he felt at
home with a quiet cameo that allowed Little Nicky
to book him for...Racism.
THE BUILDER - N/A
The right guy to throw in there, as he's a lego
afficionado.
ABADASS - N/A
Everyone's non-Jamesy social media choice got a
late gig replacing the correct choice.
ANITA DOBSON - 8/10
It's been an emotional few days for Ange, a rough
time after hearing Neighbours will be cancelled
in the summer after 40 years. But he pulled himself
together and put away the Kylie albums to focus
on this trickiest of tricky tasks.
Once bitten, twice shy. Fool me once, shame on me.
Fool me twice, shame...fool...shucks, now watch this
drive.
Anyway, September follies gave way to the ides of
March and the boss threw a spinner in memory of Warney
that had everyone puzzled. Then all the controversial
picks went and did the business and big Ange looked on
with a, 'Yup'. Totally justified.
MIBBERY - 3/10
Little Nicky jumped the shark and awarded the Tims
a fucking penalty! Then denied another. Then threw
some yellows around to try and keep him on the goat
gangbang committee.
OVERALL - 8.5/10
They think it's all over... It isn't. Plastic waste
just refuses to decopmpose and we'll likely be back
there after the split, because they're a troublesome
outfit who carry a better physical set-piece threat
than most in the SPL.
The last Celtic manager to win a league game at
Livingston, Martin O'Neill, turned 70 this week -
an omen. Which also makes him 7 times older than
the Huns.
And the curse was lifted, with as much style as we
could have hoped for on a day of joyous relief.
We met their combative side with steel, and stayed
true to the Angeball philosophy of shifting it quick,
looking forward, trying to make transitions count.
Apart from the lapse for their scrambled goal which
dragged residual tension through the final twenty
minutes, this was a perfect plastic performance -
long overdue and absolutely timeous.
Now the Bhoys get a week's break to put their feet
up with popcorn and watch some Huns get kicked around
Belgrade while we anticipate a final eight games
of epic drama. Tenterhooks time, motherfuckers.
Enjoy.
Go Away Now.
Sandman.
Last edited:
but what a mane. 
