Sandman
Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS - CELTIC '@ DRACULA'S CLUDGIE : CL 3rd Round Qualifier 1st Leg
'What have the Romanians ever done for us?'
People's Front Of Judea or The Judean People's Front.
"Donde esta la Biblioteca? But that's where we eyeways go shaggin
this time o' the season, innit?"
Leigh Griffiths as he was hauled off a flight to Rosenborg.
"Listen to them: thee cheeldren of thee night. What sick music they make -
those Huns, they weel drown in blood beyond their knees..."
Gary oldman, as Dracula. In 'Bram Stoker's Dracula' (1992)
BANE - 7/10
Bats! Land of BATS! Vampires! Bat Men! Kept looking to the night skies
but thankfully it was to field crosses. Cue goalkeeper/Dracula/crosses
joke from primary school...
Busier than any other tie but not a distinct save to make first-half. The
lore of his surroundings spooked him enough that he swatted a shot
away late on like it was about to bite him. Still, he never appears
bothered and mainly exudes a commanding and assured aura.
HAT ATTACK - 6.5/10
Welcome to the bigtime. Occupied by their favoured tactic of switching
it out leftto their winger, Kanye West. Big Hat Attack adjusted well to cope,
sometimes was double-teamed. He exhibitied mental strength and awreness
to go with his tidy feet. Was also impressed by his composure under pressure,
focussed well on his arduous task.
Still maintain he's a clone of Nir Bitton, or at least a fork of the same Mossad
genetic breeding program.
JOZO - 6/10
Unusually quiet - mainly because 90% of tonight's game consisted of him picking
up runners and closing space. Was waiting for his patience to tire and decisions to
be made on which of the forward line deserved an introduction to Balkan Prison Code.
Then, calamity - seemed to pull-up after another timely interception. We can rebuild
him with appropriate bionics. We may have to. again.
Or punt him to Lille on the sly. Don't mention that to Peter...
AJER - 8/10 MOTM
Towering Techno Viking performance. Thrived under pressure. Lifesaver of an interception
in the opening minutes stopped a certainty, great timing in the tackle limited their
opportunities around the box. Great block saved another late second-half.
Not afraid to mix it nor call the shots. Could have scored the winner from a corner and
looked annoyed he'd missed the header. Becoming our defensive stalwart, leader and
first name on the teamsheet. Amazing the difference a year makes.
BOLIWOOD - 3/10
Anyone know a solid left back? First big test and his arse collapsed. Roves a lot. Forgets his
basic remit a lot. His Sincy-esque heid is playing left winger when his boots should be solidly
linking with the defence. Reminding us of Izzy on a bad acid trip, he often appeared surprised to
encounter opponents near our penalty area. On a night where rumours grow of KT Arsenal-bound,
I propose offering the Gunners 30 million for his immediate return.
BROON - 5.5/10
LGBT icon toast/spit-roast of the Admiral bar. Would have been King Billy's favourite...
Broony tests the Huns tolerance of everyday reality. Tonight he appeard to struggle with
more than his sexuality as the first-half ran around him like he was some sweet transvestite
from transsexual Transylvanniaaaa... A real rocky horror of a half for him (see what I did
there, cult LGBT musical fans?).
Got stuck in as the game slowed but he must be irritated by the lack of cohesion in our
midfield. Cludgie treated him and Calmac like they were sacking quarterbacks and denied
Broon any space to operate or direct traffic. He'll have a sore neck from watching the ball
zip to and fro like it was fucking Wimbledon centre court.
Took a very nasty one from hairy Cludgie Hobbit/Vampire henchman at right-back, Will
seek revenge next week in a manner that will nowhere be described as gender-neutral,
though it may leave his opponent in such state.
CALMAC - 6/10
Amateur hour sped by him until he finally got his foot on the ball. We criminally-underused
him first-half as we surrendered control of the match to indulge their basketball tactics.
Fared a little better for the rest of the game as he found space but nobody found him and
when he did get some space they were pouncing. Frustrating night.
FORREST - 7.5/10
Go get 'em Jamesy! The Flying Flasher Of Old Prestwick Town took to the legendary
Transylvanian darklands like Van Helsing and plunged a stake right into their hearts
just as they fancied draining our blood.
Looked dangerous and more direct than ever; only foiled by those around him and
some solid defensive work. I've said he's been revving-up recently and he's about
80% airborne with the zipper halfway-down. Not long now until we see peak Jamesy.
Or 'peek' Jamesy...Ladies...
CORPUS CHRISTIE - 7/10
Pink boots and a burst of speed like a gay superhero late for a fondue evening.
He looked one of our players right on it but his final ball let him down. Movement
was great, terrified them, but he didn't get the support or service to do damage.
MORGAN FREEMAN JR. - 4/10
His dad's played God, but also starred in 'Olympus Has Fallen' which was so
dreadful I sold 33% of my soul just to get out the cinema despite Celtic Hero
Gerry Butler mollicating ass as a suspiciously Scottish U.S Secret Service maniac.
Tonight was Young Morgan's 'Olympus Has Fallen', almost literally as he spent
much of his time on the park hitting the deck. His endeavour was fruitless and
with Boliwood spazing out behind him our left side was 'Gone Baby Gone',
another movie of his dad's. I only introduce these for 'Levity' - another
movie of his dad's coincidentally - and not 'Glory' - another movie of his dad's
- and I could add more if I 'Wanted' but I'd probably be 'Unforgiven' so that's
enough. I'll stop at 'Se7en'...
FRENCH EDDY - 7/10
Excellent solo performance as he fought, twisted, took and hustled. Couldn't
quite shake the attentions of experienced defenders and on ocassion when
he did, his final choices let him down. But they won't get a second look at
him amid the fury of Paradise - back him to score a couple.
SUBS:
SAM JACKSON - 6.5/10
Muthufucka replaced great pal Morgan Freeman's bhoy to the collective
muthufuckin sighs of the Celtic Star editorial Muthufuckas. And did the
Muthufucka do the muthufuckin job - like a Muthufucka, damn sure.
Added some muthufuckin stability and smart muthufuckin feet to our
under-muthufuckin-performing midfield. Should have been on at half-time.
Muthufuckin solidity was what we lacked as those fast-movin muthufuckin
vampires swarmed us. This bad-ass Muthufucka is exactly what's damn
needed for some muthufuckin progress second leg - Play the Muthufucka,
win the Muthufucka. Muthufuckin A-right!
BITTON - N/A
Came on for Hat Attack. Or did he? Or did he? One and the same or the same one?
Was it Hat for Hat or Nir for Nir? Which one of them got booked as he took one
for the team? Interchangeable clones - two for one; Pistol Pete's latest budgetary
strategy.
JULLIEN CLARY - 6/10
Minced on for war-wounded Jozo and caused a bit of havoc in their box (oo-er...).
Should/could have won a pen. Comforting to know we've a 7 million squid replacement
itching to show his worth.
LENNONY - 6.5/10
A score draw? Would have taken it. But... set-up a very open attacking side and
almost paid for it. He obviously expected that we may win the tie tonight - certainly
looked capable of it but his tactics were stifled by underperforming players and an
underestimated home side who proved more direct than he may have forseen.
Left it too long before the changes started on the hour. Looked like he was caught
between sticking and twisting by then - probably made the right choice to see it
out and lessen their hopes. A credible result nonetheless.
Now he has the chance to cement his authority in the hotseat by laying out a gameplan
to bury them at home.
OVERALL - 6/10
I thought we were off the pace, looked flustered. Stuck in darkest Transylvannia, horses fled,
carriage stranded, unholy wailing from the gloom of the foggy woodland around us.
Just couldn't get control of the game at all - hardly a combo between Broon and Calmac as
Cludgie shut down our engine-room. In saying that we played a fair enough basketball
match when we went to-to-toe with them and if we'd scored a second I reckon they were
bust and the tie done.
Disappointing to see the high-press in Europe again throw our team off-kilter. We didn't
quite adjust and instead of focussing on asserting our dominance we indulged them in
Russian-roulette, end-to-end histrionics. They specialise in switching defence to attack as
quickly and directly as possible with effective one-touch play'; their goal came from OUR
corner, ffs.
We weren't as sharp as them and less-combatitive for spells, which is sacreligious at this level.
Cludgie went for it but came up short. We ARE good enough to smash them, only if all our
players turn up and there's the requisite TEMPO that always separates the class from the chaff
in European competition. Take control of the mid, we win.
Still, once again we've come out of a European tie with a favourable result and a great chance
of progression. Even despite Bela Lugosi's Dracula running the far-side line. No excuses - we've
had a good look at them and know what we have to do. It's early season and every game tunes
us up that little bit more. This tie is now in our hands.
COYBIG.
Sandman 'til next time.
'What have the Romanians ever done for us?'
People's Front Of Judea or The Judean People's Front.
"Donde esta la Biblioteca? But that's where we eyeways go shaggin
this time o' the season, innit?"
Leigh Griffiths as he was hauled off a flight to Rosenborg.
"Listen to them: thee cheeldren of thee night. What sick music they make -
those Huns, they weel drown in blood beyond their knees..."
Gary oldman, as Dracula. In 'Bram Stoker's Dracula' (1992)
BANE - 7/10
Bats! Land of BATS! Vampires! Bat Men! Kept looking to the night skies
but thankfully it was to field crosses. Cue goalkeeper/Dracula/crosses
joke from primary school...
Busier than any other tie but not a distinct save to make first-half. The
lore of his surroundings spooked him enough that he swatted a shot
away late on like it was about to bite him. Still, he never appears
bothered and mainly exudes a commanding and assured aura.
HAT ATTACK - 6.5/10
Welcome to the bigtime. Occupied by their favoured tactic of switching
it out leftto their winger, Kanye West. Big Hat Attack adjusted well to cope,
sometimes was double-teamed. He exhibitied mental strength and awreness
to go with his tidy feet. Was also impressed by his composure under pressure,
focussed well on his arduous task.
Still maintain he's a clone of Nir Bitton, or at least a fork of the same Mossad
genetic breeding program.
JOZO - 6/10
Unusually quiet - mainly because 90% of tonight's game consisted of him picking
up runners and closing space. Was waiting for his patience to tire and decisions to
be made on which of the forward line deserved an introduction to Balkan Prison Code.
Then, calamity - seemed to pull-up after another timely interception. We can rebuild
him with appropriate bionics. We may have to. again.
Or punt him to Lille on the sly. Don't mention that to Peter...
AJER - 8/10 MOTM
Towering Techno Viking performance. Thrived under pressure. Lifesaver of an interception
in the opening minutes stopped a certainty, great timing in the tackle limited their
opportunities around the box. Great block saved another late second-half.
Not afraid to mix it nor call the shots. Could have scored the winner from a corner and
looked annoyed he'd missed the header. Becoming our defensive stalwart, leader and
first name on the teamsheet. Amazing the difference a year makes.
BOLIWOOD - 3/10
Anyone know a solid left back? First big test and his arse collapsed. Roves a lot. Forgets his
basic remit a lot. His Sincy-esque heid is playing left winger when his boots should be solidly
linking with the defence. Reminding us of Izzy on a bad acid trip, he often appeared surprised to
encounter opponents near our penalty area. On a night where rumours grow of KT Arsenal-bound,
I propose offering the Gunners 30 million for his immediate return.
BROON - 5.5/10
LGBT icon toast/spit-roast of the Admiral bar. Would have been King Billy's favourite...
Broony tests the Huns tolerance of everyday reality. Tonight he appeard to struggle with
more than his sexuality as the first-half ran around him like he was some sweet transvestite
from transsexual Transylvanniaaaa... A real rocky horror of a half for him (see what I did
there, cult LGBT musical fans?).
Got stuck in as the game slowed but he must be irritated by the lack of cohesion in our
midfield. Cludgie treated him and Calmac like they were sacking quarterbacks and denied
Broon any space to operate or direct traffic. He'll have a sore neck from watching the ball
zip to and fro like it was fucking Wimbledon centre court.
Took a very nasty one from hairy Cludgie Hobbit/Vampire henchman at right-back, Will
seek revenge next week in a manner that will nowhere be described as gender-neutral,
though it may leave his opponent in such state.
CALMAC - 6/10
Amateur hour sped by him until he finally got his foot on the ball. We criminally-underused
him first-half as we surrendered control of the match to indulge their basketball tactics.
Fared a little better for the rest of the game as he found space but nobody found him and
when he did get some space they were pouncing. Frustrating night.
FORREST - 7.5/10
Go get 'em Jamesy! The Flying Flasher Of Old Prestwick Town took to the legendary
Transylvanian darklands like Van Helsing and plunged a stake right into their hearts
just as they fancied draining our blood.
Looked dangerous and more direct than ever; only foiled by those around him and
some solid defensive work. I've said he's been revving-up recently and he's about
80% airborne with the zipper halfway-down. Not long now until we see peak Jamesy.
Or 'peek' Jamesy...Ladies...
CORPUS CHRISTIE - 7/10
Pink boots and a burst of speed like a gay superhero late for a fondue evening.
He looked one of our players right on it but his final ball let him down. Movement
was great, terrified them, but he didn't get the support or service to do damage.
MORGAN FREEMAN JR. - 4/10
His dad's played God, but also starred in 'Olympus Has Fallen' which was so
dreadful I sold 33% of my soul just to get out the cinema despite Celtic Hero
Gerry Butler mollicating ass as a suspiciously Scottish U.S Secret Service maniac.
Tonight was Young Morgan's 'Olympus Has Fallen', almost literally as he spent
much of his time on the park hitting the deck. His endeavour was fruitless and
with Boliwood spazing out behind him our left side was 'Gone Baby Gone',
another movie of his dad's. I only introduce these for 'Levity' - another
movie of his dad's coincidentally - and not 'Glory' - another movie of his dad's
- and I could add more if I 'Wanted' but I'd probably be 'Unforgiven' so that's
enough. I'll stop at 'Se7en'...
FRENCH EDDY - 7/10
Excellent solo performance as he fought, twisted, took and hustled. Couldn't
quite shake the attentions of experienced defenders and on ocassion when
he did, his final choices let him down. But they won't get a second look at
him amid the fury of Paradise - back him to score a couple.
SUBS:
SAM JACKSON - 6.5/10
Muthufucka replaced great pal Morgan Freeman's bhoy to the collective
muthufuckin sighs of the Celtic Star editorial Muthufuckas. And did the
Muthufucka do the muthufuckin job - like a Muthufucka, damn sure.
Added some muthufuckin stability and smart muthufuckin feet to our
under-muthufuckin-performing midfield. Should have been on at half-time.
Muthufuckin solidity was what we lacked as those fast-movin muthufuckin
vampires swarmed us. This bad-ass Muthufucka is exactly what's damn
needed for some muthufuckin progress second leg - Play the Muthufucka,
win the Muthufucka. Muthufuckin A-right!
BITTON - N/A
Came on for Hat Attack. Or did he? Or did he? One and the same or the same one?
Was it Hat for Hat or Nir for Nir? Which one of them got booked as he took one
for the team? Interchangeable clones - two for one; Pistol Pete's latest budgetary
strategy.
JULLIEN CLARY - 6/10
Minced on for war-wounded Jozo and caused a bit of havoc in their box (oo-er...).
Should/could have won a pen. Comforting to know we've a 7 million squid replacement
itching to show his worth.
LENNONY - 6.5/10
A score draw? Would have taken it. But... set-up a very open attacking side and
almost paid for it. He obviously expected that we may win the tie tonight - certainly
looked capable of it but his tactics were stifled by underperforming players and an
underestimated home side who proved more direct than he may have forseen.
Left it too long before the changes started on the hour. Looked like he was caught
between sticking and twisting by then - probably made the right choice to see it
out and lessen their hopes. A credible result nonetheless.
Now he has the chance to cement his authority in the hotseat by laying out a gameplan
to bury them at home.
OVERALL - 6/10
I thought we were off the pace, looked flustered. Stuck in darkest Transylvannia, horses fled,
carriage stranded, unholy wailing from the gloom of the foggy woodland around us.
Just couldn't get control of the game at all - hardly a combo between Broon and Calmac as
Cludgie shut down our engine-room. In saying that we played a fair enough basketball
match when we went to-to-toe with them and if we'd scored a second I reckon they were
bust and the tie done.
Disappointing to see the high-press in Europe again throw our team off-kilter. We didn't
quite adjust and instead of focussing on asserting our dominance we indulged them in
Russian-roulette, end-to-end histrionics. They specialise in switching defence to attack as
quickly and directly as possible with effective one-touch play'; their goal came from OUR
corner, ffs.
We weren't as sharp as them and less-combatitive for spells, which is sacreligious at this level.
Cludgie went for it but came up short. We ARE good enough to smash them, only if all our
players turn up and there's the requisite TEMPO that always separates the class from the chaff
in European competition. Take control of the mid, we win.
Still, once again we've come out of a European tie with a favourable result and a great chance
of progression. Even despite Bela Lugosi's Dracula running the far-side line. No excuses - we've
had a good look at them and know what we have to do. It's early season and every game tunes
us up that little bit more. This tie is now in our hands.
COYBIG.
Sandman 'til next time.
COYBIG
