Sandman
Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ HAWAII
"An' Ah hingmy wi' that bam, an intae fenian heids, man.
An Boab an' Terry smash tae fuck, man, hingmy prick fae
chippy scrap, know 'n 'nat? Fuck aye - dinnae turn the
weans against us, man, fuckin' fenian like, fucksake, man.
Didnae hingmy thon yin 'n aw, eh? Nnng."
From 'Pride And Prejudice: My Jaunty Memoirs of Halcyon Days'
by Barrold Ferguson MBE
ROXIE - 7.5/10 MOTM
Surprised to see such glamour in such tawdry surroundings #1 -
And the showgirl stole the show to keep us ahead with another
of her breathtaking "fuck, it's a cert..." plot twists.
MOTM because that blinding save actually proved to be a
matchwinner. Ffs. Exactly.
TONY THE TIGER - 6/10
Shaken and stirred early as sprightly natives dressed as
bumble bees swarmed our tiger. Eventually settled from his
unfocussed start into a decent scrap and helped sort them
out.
STAR LORD - 6.5/10
Almost a fine game, save for being dragegd about a bit
late on. Combated their human/fish genetic splice baldy
battle-giant well given his record against physical
opponents, but was caught ball watching for the goal.
RAQUEL - 5.5/10
Surprised to see such glamour in such tawdry surroundings #2 -
She wore her distaste for this event plainly. A bit of a towsy
match, not shirking a tackle but lack of anticipation and losing
track of her runner (technical term, noobs) who scored, cost us.
How you fail to notice the movement of a brick shithouse on legs
is something he needs to address.
OF JUSTICE - 6/10
Very decent in an attacking sense - put in a peach of a cross
for our opener. Struggled a little when they pressed and was
played around like a schoolkid when they carved our left side
open to score.
CALMAC - N/A
What fucking day is it? Grandma, is that you in the trackies?
Surprising thing is, Calmac took a 'dull yin' AFTER he'd set up
Coronary Red Herring for Roxie's fine save - presumably at that
point he was bored and looking to spice things up.
Worryingly, the excitement he craved soon came from trying to
remember his wife's name and why he was dressed in t-shirt and
shorts with a mouth full of plastic.
If there's a God in heaven, he'll be nothing more than shaken
up and fit to go midweek. If not, it's church of Satan for me
next Sunday.
TAMAGOTCHI - 6.5/10
Was shaping up for a MOTM until assaulted. Kick a Tim,
particularly the Japanese ones, was the order of the day and
Tamagotchi took afters in a tackle that may well have done
his ankle ligaments. Welcome to Scotland, here's an example
of why we're reknowned for our elite skill levels and flair.
He'd looked assured and accomplished until then, settled well
into a DM role from where he asserted command of the middle.
ROGIC - 6/10
Some delightful 'skilz' on show from Oz, but who failed to
reach the heights of his season to date. Just not quite
back totally sharp to feed the killer balls, but not blaming
him for retreating into more of a self-preservation mode
second-half as things became 'robust'.
ABADASS - 7/10
Another victim of the clackmannanshire killer hobbits,
appearing to lose a foot before hoblbing off. Still suffers
from final ball syndrome - poor percentage return - but
actually benefitted from a duff pass when it came back to
him and he thrashed in a winning beauty. Lulz.
SON OF JACKIE - 6.5/10
Yes, good finish, and yes, nearly nicked another right away,
but still not the dominant swashbuckler we expect from his
reputation. Although getting game-time and a goal in a
physical tussle like today will raise his levels a bit.
LORD KATSUMOTO - 6/10
神のダム!!! Let's hope they stopped him before he performed
seppuku in the toilets after the game (that's hari-kiri, kids).
He can't believe the Shinto gods deserted him and the gaijin
in nets pulled off a blinding save to thwart the header. Also
can't believe places like that exist outside 'The Ring' movies.
SUBS:
MCCARTHYISM - 6.5/10
A plodding game well suited to his style and energy levels.
The right man in the right place at the right time to replace
the skipper early and maintian control of proceedings.
Extra half point awarded for revenge swipe on Abadass' assailant.
NOTEBOOK - 6.5/10
Lively and completely out of place. I feared for his wellbeing
as he jinked the gauntlet of rumbling cloggers out to make a name
for themselves in the local bondage/fetish ludges.
But he's back and sprightly and effervescent. Whatever the
contract situation with his record company we know that we've
got him for the rest of the season at least, so let the new run
of chart hits commence.
BLOCKCHAIN - 6/10
The big man loped on and set about asserting his presence
with no nonsense, taking no shit from snapping mongrels
and providing some needed steel.
ANITA DOBSON - 7/10
Well, I was surprised we went in so hardcore but the boss
called it right - no hefty rotation in a tussle that required
full squad utilisation to patch up the damage.
A vindication of Ange's set-up as we got busted late on and
needed the full benefit of experience to see it out. Failure
to make an easy ride of it was not down to his selection or
tactics; purely a glitch in the players' matrix as we toiled
to finish it off with time to spare.
MIBBERY - 6/10
He'll be pleased with the hefty hits the Tims took under
his watch. Nothing proved calamitous but the sight of three
enforced Tim substitutions due to bludgeoning will be enough
to rile up brother Robertson's gird for a furious crack at
the ludge goat tonight.
OVERALL - 6.5/10
Aloha my arse. Beach paradise my arse. It was ALLOA - curse
my dyslexia as I packed trunks and looked forward to flower
garlands tickling my nostrils as I maintained eye-level with
swaying hips clad in grass skirts. Even watched an old Elvis
movie in preparation.
Turns out there was no grass either as yet another shit game
took place on a shit pitch in the middle of the darkest place
in Scotland's darklands. The 'romance' of the cup they call it -
like Tarantino and John Carpenter collaborated on a Jane Austin
movie.
Becoming a bit of a habit, this inability to kill off
opposition after taking commanding leads. Not that we
didn't deserve to win more handsomely - a very difficult
thing to do in 'the Shire' when surrounded by such raw
ugliness - but there's a script shaping up that has us
continually rueful of squandered opportunities and
suffering late pressure.
All ended well, though, right under the bluenoses of
Wee Barry Bawbag with his brain-damaged-abused-orphan
voice and Bob 'FTP' (Fat Token Proddy) Malkie. We'll get
over this rather tacky adventure in nofunderland and move
on.
Whether the knocks prove costly remains to be seen, but
the Bhoys will cope, and Ange may think it wise to seek
out a lethal enforcer to add to the squad for such occassions
when football purity gets stalked by Scottish football's
savage underclass.
Hey-ho, job done, bring on the Huns. And the Diets. And the
Linoleums.
Go Away Now.
Sandman
"An' Ah hingmy wi' that bam, an intae fenian heids, man.
An Boab an' Terry smash tae fuck, man, hingmy prick fae
chippy scrap, know 'n 'nat? Fuck aye - dinnae turn the
weans against us, man, fuckin' fenian like, fucksake, man.
Didnae hingmy thon yin 'n aw, eh? Nnng."
From 'Pride And Prejudice: My Jaunty Memoirs of Halcyon Days'
by Barrold Ferguson MBE
ROXIE - 7.5/10 MOTM
Surprised to see such glamour in such tawdry surroundings #1 -
And the showgirl stole the show to keep us ahead with another
of her breathtaking "fuck, it's a cert..." plot twists.
MOTM because that blinding save actually proved to be a
matchwinner. Ffs. Exactly.
TONY THE TIGER - 6/10
Shaken and stirred early as sprightly natives dressed as
bumble bees swarmed our tiger. Eventually settled from his
unfocussed start into a decent scrap and helped sort them
out.
STAR LORD - 6.5/10
Almost a fine game, save for being dragegd about a bit
late on. Combated their human/fish genetic splice baldy
battle-giant well given his record against physical
opponents, but was caught ball watching for the goal.
RAQUEL - 5.5/10
Surprised to see such glamour in such tawdry surroundings #2 -
She wore her distaste for this event plainly. A bit of a towsy
match, not shirking a tackle but lack of anticipation and losing
track of her runner (technical term, noobs) who scored, cost us.
How you fail to notice the movement of a brick shithouse on legs
is something he needs to address.
OF JUSTICE - 6/10
Very decent in an attacking sense - put in a peach of a cross
for our opener. Struggled a little when they pressed and was
played around like a schoolkid when they carved our left side
open to score.
CALMAC - N/A
What fucking day is it? Grandma, is that you in the trackies?
Surprising thing is, Calmac took a 'dull yin' AFTER he'd set up
Coronary Red Herring for Roxie's fine save - presumably at that
point he was bored and looking to spice things up.
Worryingly, the excitement he craved soon came from trying to
remember his wife's name and why he was dressed in t-shirt and
shorts with a mouth full of plastic.
If there's a God in heaven, he'll be nothing more than shaken
up and fit to go midweek. If not, it's church of Satan for me
next Sunday.
TAMAGOTCHI - 6.5/10
Was shaping up for a MOTM until assaulted. Kick a Tim,
particularly the Japanese ones, was the order of the day and
Tamagotchi took afters in a tackle that may well have done
his ankle ligaments. Welcome to Scotland, here's an example
of why we're reknowned for our elite skill levels and flair.
He'd looked assured and accomplished until then, settled well
into a DM role from where he asserted command of the middle.
ROGIC - 6/10
Some delightful 'skilz' on show from Oz, but who failed to
reach the heights of his season to date. Just not quite
back totally sharp to feed the killer balls, but not blaming
him for retreating into more of a self-preservation mode
second-half as things became 'robust'.
ABADASS - 7/10
Another victim of the clackmannanshire killer hobbits,
appearing to lose a foot before hoblbing off. Still suffers
from final ball syndrome - poor percentage return - but
actually benefitted from a duff pass when it came back to
him and he thrashed in a winning beauty. Lulz.
SON OF JACKIE - 6.5/10
Yes, good finish, and yes, nearly nicked another right away,
but still not the dominant swashbuckler we expect from his
reputation. Although getting game-time and a goal in a
physical tussle like today will raise his levels a bit.
LORD KATSUMOTO - 6/10
神のダム!!! Let's hope they stopped him before he performed
seppuku in the toilets after the game (that's hari-kiri, kids).
He can't believe the Shinto gods deserted him and the gaijin
in nets pulled off a blinding save to thwart the header. Also
can't believe places like that exist outside 'The Ring' movies.
SUBS:
MCCARTHYISM - 6.5/10
A plodding game well suited to his style and energy levels.
The right man in the right place at the right time to replace
the skipper early and maintian control of proceedings.
Extra half point awarded for revenge swipe on Abadass' assailant.
NOTEBOOK - 6.5/10
Lively and completely out of place. I feared for his wellbeing
as he jinked the gauntlet of rumbling cloggers out to make a name
for themselves in the local bondage/fetish ludges.
But he's back and sprightly and effervescent. Whatever the
contract situation with his record company we know that we've
got him for the rest of the season at least, so let the new run
of chart hits commence.
BLOCKCHAIN - 6/10
The big man loped on and set about asserting his presence
with no nonsense, taking no shit from snapping mongrels
and providing some needed steel.
ANITA DOBSON - 7/10
Well, I was surprised we went in so hardcore but the boss
called it right - no hefty rotation in a tussle that required
full squad utilisation to patch up the damage.
A vindication of Ange's set-up as we got busted late on and
needed the full benefit of experience to see it out. Failure
to make an easy ride of it was not down to his selection or
tactics; purely a glitch in the players' matrix as we toiled
to finish it off with time to spare.
MIBBERY - 6/10
He'll be pleased with the hefty hits the Tims took under
his watch. Nothing proved calamitous but the sight of three
enforced Tim substitutions due to bludgeoning will be enough
to rile up brother Robertson's gird for a furious crack at
the ludge goat tonight.
OVERALL - 6.5/10
Aloha my arse. Beach paradise my arse. It was ALLOA - curse
my dyslexia as I packed trunks and looked forward to flower
garlands tickling my nostrils as I maintained eye-level with
swaying hips clad in grass skirts. Even watched an old Elvis
movie in preparation.
Turns out there was no grass either as yet another shit game
took place on a shit pitch in the middle of the darkest place
in Scotland's darklands. The 'romance' of the cup they call it -
like Tarantino and John Carpenter collaborated on a Jane Austin
movie.
Becoming a bit of a habit, this inability to kill off
opposition after taking commanding leads. Not that we
didn't deserve to win more handsomely - a very difficult
thing to do in 'the Shire' when surrounded by such raw
ugliness - but there's a script shaping up that has us
continually rueful of squandered opportunities and
suffering late pressure.
All ended well, though, right under the bluenoses of
Wee Barry Bawbag with his brain-damaged-abused-orphan
voice and Bob 'FTP' (Fat Token Proddy) Malkie. We'll get
over this rather tacky adventure in nofunderland and move
on.
Whether the knocks prove costly remains to be seen, but
the Bhoys will cope, and Ange may think it wise to seek
out a lethal enforcer to add to the squad for such occassions
when football purity gets stalked by Scottish football's
savage underclass.
Hey-ho, job done, bring on the Huns. And the Diets. And the
Linoleums.
Go Away Now.
Sandman
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