Sandman
Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ INDIE-LABEL MADRID
"To hope is to risk frustration. Make up your mind to risk
frustration."
- Thomas Merton.
ROXIE - 7/10 MOTM
Remember the ball? Not seen since Sunday, it kept
tapping him on the shoulder to be picked out the
back of the net.
Could have been 10. Not Joe's rating, the amount
he conceded, but for his face-saving excellence at
times. Top bloke, top keeper, thank fuck.
GREGGS THE BAKER - 5.5/10
No matter what, he'll stick at it. Kudos for
remaining willing when others gave up the ghost.
Frantic he may be. Outclassed, yes. But no effort
spared in the CL.
WAYNE GRETZKY - 4/10
It all statrted so well... AJ tonight's allegory
for the whole - terrific tackle to set the scene,
which was a brief few minutes of happines engulfed
by a horrorshow.
Then he was drawn into the malaise as they
dominated and he made poor crucial choices with
clearances and cover.
OF JUSTICE - 5/10
Now ye're baptised properly... Has cruised through
this CL in sparkling form and for 45 minutes remained
locked in, until their second. Turned by a long
diagonal, lost by his man, and suddenly he was back
in a Dons jersey staring down the barrel. It went off.
GET CARTER - 5.5/10
Likewise, the big mhan sucker-punched in injury time;
culpable as Liam for negligence on the cusp of relief.
Second 45, what he dreaded came to pass - swarmed by
eager quality sniffing goals, with little he could do
to repel; like swatting at angry wasps with a shitty
stick.
CALMAC - 5.5/10
Some tremendous defending by the skip led they way
early on and for a brief spell he appeared to be
taking charge of the middle; All was well in Whoville.
Then, of course, the true nature of our fortune this
CL season emerges and he's rattling around closing
down shadows until shown mercy with an early hook.
THE BUILDER - 2/10
A two for the two decent touches Matty managed. I mean,
what the fuck? Did that hiatus in Dingwall cause him
to question his career choices? Did he fall in love
with a crofter's heifer daughter and decide to quit
it all and go live on a mountainside by a rushing burn
and build a stone hut with heather-thatched roof while
she weaves tapestries to the Braveheart soundtrack?
Because that's what he might well have been better
advised doing tonight than stumbling about club
footy's biggest stage like a Hogmanay rubber man
in George Square.
Hooked at half-time as enquiries start in to novichok
poisoning administered by their scurrilous manager,
Dougall Salmonella.
SAINT BERNARDO - 3/10
Dubious pick. Ran about like he knew that. Ineffectual
in Dingwall, somehow the notion he could be sensational
in Madrid wouldn't have been my deviation theory.
And as it turned out...
LORD KATSUMOTO - N/A
There it is - all the summarising of this season's CL
luck in one attempted block as Daizen closed down like
the closing down machine he is.
Was hardly even a yellow as the ratfuck student of Dougall
Salmonella's South American shenanigans writhed until the
vegan soy-boy gimp on VAR finished his Mocha Java Granola
and squealed in the ear of the simping Slovak with the
whistle.
Then we got freeze-framed fit-ups and Daized received
the most pathetic red of the tournament. Universe, fuck
off.
KILLER MUSHROOM - 5/10
Tell you what - Kyogo equalled the shuttle sprint record
of 80s squash superstar Jahangir Khan before subbed, but
Jahangir sure saw more of the ball.
No service, no Kyogo, no party; them's the rules.
BRIAN DE - 5.5/10
You tell him, Brian! Bhoy's got the baws to let the
incompetents behind the decisions know what he thinks.
And get booked, and banned...Doh.
Responsible for our solitary weak SOT, he departed
with me wishing he'd slapped the ref instead of the
ball.
SUBS -
YING - N/A
Like a kitten chasing a laser pen.
THE ALLFATHER - N/A
Kid brought on for energy; well, he expended
plenty just trying to get a touch of the ball.
OH BHOY - N/A
Thankless lonesome half of trying to rumble
4 defenders. At one point he drew five to
him with out most productive run of the game.
Then fell over.
TONIO IWATAO -N/A
Finally. And finally - barely on for the
finale and whistle. Play him, Rodgers,
damn you!
EDDIE TURNBULL - N/A
"Aye, the old Vincente Caulderon's fair
changed since I wis last here buying a
mattress fur that Spanish burd ay mine.
Whit wis' her name again? Oh aye,
'The Mattress'..."
THE SHNAKE - 5/10
Well, here we are again. Another CL away
at a notable club and another reaming.
The more things change the more they
stay the same, Roy, eh?
Playing big rangy Paulo Nuttini as a
sleight-of-hand resulted in an open-palm
smack across the arse that will sting,
while his rep as a competitive 'elite'
manager takes an additional kicking.
So the Brendan-O-Meter swings towards
'Ratbastard' once more, from gaining
impressive traction into 'Brendan' over
the last month or so. It stops just after
'BR' at 'Rodgers' due to the inadequate
evidence on which to convict thanks to
diabolical officiating yet again. But
we'll be expecting some return from the
last 2 games; like 6 points...
OVERALL - 3/10
Capitulation's an overwrought word in
football. Second half it felt we tried
to embody it but that's a harsh accusation
to cast at a team reduced physically and
mentally by spineless refereeing and facing
an invigorated Indie-label Madrid side
stacked with Panini album collectables.
For the first 20 minutes, barring their
deflected spawny opener, Celtic were
positive, adventurous; hope sprung eternal
until that pathetic incident summed up all
that's wrong with modern football and the
myopic interpretations of blunt fools who
fail to conceive of the game as a contact
sport and the allowances due for the physics
of it therein.
The only single savage criticism I'd lay
at the hooped boots was switching right
off for that second goal in first-half
injury time; criminal ball-watching from
players thinking they were up the tunnel 0-1.
That did more to frame the second-half
mauling than the red card; hope was abandoned
like a Hun in the Holyland and the dressing
room outlook went from scrapping belief we
might get something to wondering who'd get
the best seats on the bus back to the airport.
We got the chasing normally reserved for SPL
canon-fodder and the Huns when we're in the
mood.
I doubt it will impact the season much; in
fact it should fill the players with
indignance and injustice. Truly the story of
the CL this time round has been of worst-case
happenstance and inverted karma. On level
playing fields, so to speak, we've competed
well and been due much more than has gone our
way.
A skelping at this level is nothing new, but
frustrating beyond belief when it's delivered
by forces out of our control and tainted by
incompetence if not corruption. Be as well
shaking this off like a one-night stand gone
sour - where was Jamesy, by the way? - and
get back down to dirty shearing business by
taking it out on The Sheep come Sunday; So we
can win the league and have more marvellous
evenings like this next season too.
Errr...
Go Away Now
Sandman
"To hope is to risk frustration. Make up your mind to risk
frustration."
- Thomas Merton.
ROXIE - 7/10 MOTM
Remember the ball? Not seen since Sunday, it kept
tapping him on the shoulder to be picked out the
back of the net.
Could have been 10. Not Joe's rating, the amount
he conceded, but for his face-saving excellence at
times. Top bloke, top keeper, thank fuck.
GREGGS THE BAKER - 5.5/10
No matter what, he'll stick at it. Kudos for
remaining willing when others gave up the ghost.
Frantic he may be. Outclassed, yes. But no effort
spared in the CL.
WAYNE GRETZKY - 4/10
It all statrted so well... AJ tonight's allegory
for the whole - terrific tackle to set the scene,
which was a brief few minutes of happines engulfed
by a horrorshow.
Then he was drawn into the malaise as they
dominated and he made poor crucial choices with
clearances and cover.
OF JUSTICE - 5/10
Now ye're baptised properly... Has cruised through
this CL in sparkling form and for 45 minutes remained
locked in, until their second. Turned by a long
diagonal, lost by his man, and suddenly he was back
in a Dons jersey staring down the barrel. It went off.
GET CARTER - 5.5/10
Likewise, the big mhan sucker-punched in injury time;
culpable as Liam for negligence on the cusp of relief.
Second 45, what he dreaded came to pass - swarmed by
eager quality sniffing goals, with little he could do
to repel; like swatting at angry wasps with a shitty
stick.
CALMAC - 5.5/10
Some tremendous defending by the skip led they way
early on and for a brief spell he appeared to be
taking charge of the middle; All was well in Whoville.
Then, of course, the true nature of our fortune this
CL season emerges and he's rattling around closing
down shadows until shown mercy with an early hook.
THE BUILDER - 2/10
A two for the two decent touches Matty managed. I mean,
what the fuck? Did that hiatus in Dingwall cause him
to question his career choices? Did he fall in love
with a crofter's heifer daughter and decide to quit
it all and go live on a mountainside by a rushing burn
and build a stone hut with heather-thatched roof while
she weaves tapestries to the Braveheart soundtrack?
Because that's what he might well have been better
advised doing tonight than stumbling about club
footy's biggest stage like a Hogmanay rubber man
in George Square.
Hooked at half-time as enquiries start in to novichok
poisoning administered by their scurrilous manager,
Dougall Salmonella.
SAINT BERNARDO - 3/10
Dubious pick. Ran about like he knew that. Ineffectual
in Dingwall, somehow the notion he could be sensational
in Madrid wouldn't have been my deviation theory.
And as it turned out...
LORD KATSUMOTO - N/A
There it is - all the summarising of this season's CL
luck in one attempted block as Daizen closed down like
the closing down machine he is.
Was hardly even a yellow as the ratfuck student of Dougall
Salmonella's South American shenanigans writhed until the
vegan soy-boy gimp on VAR finished his Mocha Java Granola
and squealed in the ear of the simping Slovak with the
whistle.
Then we got freeze-framed fit-ups and Daized received
the most pathetic red of the tournament. Universe, fuck
off.
KILLER MUSHROOM - 5/10
Tell you what - Kyogo equalled the shuttle sprint record
of 80s squash superstar Jahangir Khan before subbed, but
Jahangir sure saw more of the ball.
No service, no Kyogo, no party; them's the rules.
BRIAN DE - 5.5/10
You tell him, Brian! Bhoy's got the baws to let the
incompetents behind the decisions know what he thinks.
And get booked, and banned...Doh.
Responsible for our solitary weak SOT, he departed
with me wishing he'd slapped the ref instead of the
ball.
SUBS -
YING - N/A
Like a kitten chasing a laser pen.
THE ALLFATHER - N/A
Kid brought on for energy; well, he expended
plenty just trying to get a touch of the ball.
OH BHOY - N/A
Thankless lonesome half of trying to rumble
4 defenders. At one point he drew five to
him with out most productive run of the game.
Then fell over.
TONIO IWATAO -N/A
Finally. And finally - barely on for the
finale and whistle. Play him, Rodgers,
damn you!
EDDIE TURNBULL - N/A
"Aye, the old Vincente Caulderon's fair
changed since I wis last here buying a
mattress fur that Spanish burd ay mine.
Whit wis' her name again? Oh aye,
'The Mattress'..."
THE SHNAKE - 5/10
Well, here we are again. Another CL away
at a notable club and another reaming.
The more things change the more they
stay the same, Roy, eh?
Playing big rangy Paulo Nuttini as a
sleight-of-hand resulted in an open-palm
smack across the arse that will sting,
while his rep as a competitive 'elite'
manager takes an additional kicking.
So the Brendan-O-Meter swings towards
'Ratbastard' once more, from gaining
impressive traction into 'Brendan' over
the last month or so. It stops just after
'BR' at 'Rodgers' due to the inadequate
evidence on which to convict thanks to
diabolical officiating yet again. But
we'll be expecting some return from the
last 2 games; like 6 points...
OVERALL - 3/10
Capitulation's an overwrought word in
football. Second half it felt we tried
to embody it but that's a harsh accusation
to cast at a team reduced physically and
mentally by spineless refereeing and facing
an invigorated Indie-label Madrid side
stacked with Panini album collectables.
For the first 20 minutes, barring their
deflected spawny opener, Celtic were
positive, adventurous; hope sprung eternal
until that pathetic incident summed up all
that's wrong with modern football and the
myopic interpretations of blunt fools who
fail to conceive of the game as a contact
sport and the allowances due for the physics
of it therein.
The only single savage criticism I'd lay
at the hooped boots was switching right
off for that second goal in first-half
injury time; criminal ball-watching from
players thinking they were up the tunnel 0-1.
That did more to frame the second-half
mauling than the red card; hope was abandoned
like a Hun in the Holyland and the dressing
room outlook went from scrapping belief we
might get something to wondering who'd get
the best seats on the bus back to the airport.
We got the chasing normally reserved for SPL
canon-fodder and the Huns when we're in the
mood.
I doubt it will impact the season much; in
fact it should fill the players with
indignance and injustice. Truly the story of
the CL this time round has been of worst-case
happenstance and inverted karma. On level
playing fields, so to speak, we've competed
well and been due much more than has gone our
way.
A skelping at this level is nothing new, but
frustrating beyond belief when it's delivered
by forces out of our control and tainted by
incompetence if not corruption. Be as well
shaking this off like a one-night stand gone
sour - where was Jamesy, by the way? - and
get back down to dirty shearing business by
taking it out on The Sheep come Sunday; So we
can win the league and have more marvellous
evenings like this next season too.
Errr...
Go Away Now
Sandman
Last edited:
but at least you made me laugh 
me laughing at a defeat 
