Sandman
Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ JAMBALAYA
"In cinemas near you soon - a rollocking Swedish
musical comdey as a merry band of rampaging norsemen
go to Govan and make a stadium of gurning mutants
greet their eyes out. Don't miss Malmo Mia 2."
MGM trailer.
ROXIE HART - 6/10
Straight form Chicago jail to Czech outpost.
She always had ambiitions of stardom and now the
chance to fulfill them at Paradise and not some
seedy jazz club. The murder rap won't fit outside
the USA but murder might be on her mind when stuck
behind this defence.
Any dreams of a debut clean sheet got rudely
disturbed after 20 minutes of relative comfort
when dopey defending gave them a gift one-on-one.
Then the comedy phenomenon of her Chicago era
appeared late on to involve her in a keystone Cops
sketch for their second. Did manage a fine block to
thwart a third, however.
Overall, such a famous presence in nets does carry
an aura of stability. Here's hoping it can manifest
as a virus caught by the rest of the defence.
TONY THE TIGER - 4/10
From Sunday's Aztec Stadium '86 miracles to
Thursday's Third Lanark struggles. Rough first half
as Tony wrestled to get to grips with sprightly winger,
looked shaky and indecisive; then again, when does one
of our defenders not?
But there was no gilding his poor performance today
as he completed the game in turmoil, lost in space
when they notched that second.
GREGGS THE BAKER - 4/10
Toil and trouble - 90 minutes of pained expressions
like he burnt his fingers in the bakery ovens. Not
as pained as those on the faces of us watching him
hustle through the game. Never sharp enough or
deliberate in his execution. Few positive moments.
All the industry and effort in the world won't make
up for the crucial, missing, distinctive element of
class; Celtic class.
STARLORD - 5.5/10
Well, he might have improved on Sunday's calamity,
but not by much of a stretch. Absent of four mutant
henchmen (he'll be able to recruit more from the
crowd, last Sunday in August...) he looked
uncomfortable to be exposed and basically play as
a lone central defender.
As big Nir strode forward to solidify midfield,
Starlord got swamped and flustered too many a time.
Positionally hit and miss, he needs a defensive
partner roped within ten yards of him.
For all the above murmurrings, he still kept his
head relatively well given the disastrous full-back
play and space consequently afforded to their front
men.
BITTON - 6/10
The Good, the Bad, and the Morelos of the one-fingered
hitman all on show today.
The Good - priceless ability to step from deep and
play a killer ball to turn a game, exemplified by
unleashing Mr.Kobayashi.
The Bad - wandering minstrel defending as a Czech bus
driver drove through the gap left in the centre of
defence onto a simple lob to open their scoring.
The Morelos - lashed the ball into his own net for
their second after it had come off the post. I'm not
having the 'it was in' pish - it came back to Nir
and he failed to wrap his foot round it and clear off
the line; nor do I buy the 'showing Mr.Kobayashi how
to do it,' excuse.
MAN OF - 7/10
Another tireless water-carrier performance. Plenty
of energy and thankfully so, as he was left in tandem
with Calmac once again to take care of the midfield.
Doing the Broony job very well to date.
CALMAC - 8.5/10 MOTM
Simply remarkable. Both the motivational and creative
drive. Excellent football, relentless involvement;
making up for the paucity of others' contributions
with rousing play, deserved to be capped with a goal.
He'll be unstoppable with a quality midfielder
actually functioning properly beside him...
EDDIE TURNBULL - 3.5/10
Geriatric ailments are no excuse. Nor is his
apprehension at travelling to the Czech Republic -
he was reassured before getting on the plane that
it was no longer Nazi-occupied.
Nope, I'm afraid he's just not imposing himself on
the game at all. Floating around, looking for moments
to influence. Managed one, smart dink through for
Jamesy's strike.
But around that, lapses, giving away possession,
MIA. An ethereal presence, mostly, when we require
an involved playmaker to link with Calmac and the
frontline; constantly.
JAMESY - 6.5/10
Much more like it. Quiet first-half, but that was
due to shooting at the empty end of the ground.
Soon as we turned for the second period, Jamesy
was running at a stand behind the goals. Containing
wimmen.
And how it inspired. He was a fleet-footed thorn
in their side, slamming our third into the
roof of the net with his standing leg (great finish)
and celebrating with a cheeky flash to the ladies
behind the goals of his third leg...
Then set up Corpus to topple onto a fine cross to
kill the game, and probably tie. More gametime
equals more Jamesy, girls. This could be his season
if we can keep him fit and involved; his dynamism
lifts the attacking verve in ways we've missed;
game-changing ways.
ABADASS - 6.5/10
Lively and damaging all first-half; nice to see
him have an impact after fading on Sunday.
Scored, might have had a double, created enough
entertaining chaos to merit his start.
Still just a bhoy in a strange new land (And, boy,
is it going to get stranger when he soon gets a
look at the Mordor Huns...He'll think he's on
a Stranger Things safari) with a point to
prove, and making a decent fist of it.
MR.KOBAYASHI - 7/10
Keiser Soze approves. All-round enlightening
play; deft and quality touches for his first
goal - the Japanese Cadete.
Then the incredible generosity of spirit shown
second-half to smash another ball into the stand
for the artful dodger who stole one in the
first-half...
Movement looked very good, kept appearing in
dangerous areas like a deadly Pokemon, and
we wonder what he's capable of when the team's
firing properly; prospects are enticing.
SUBS:
ROGIC - 5.5/10
Jolly Swagman thrown on by his compatriot to
trouble their midfield more than Eddie T.
And he did, showing some strength and purpose;
a promising sign from Oz, in contrast to
his more recent ineffectual cameos.
CORPUS CHRISTIE - 6.5/10
What a fall. Feeling his opponent close tight
from behind, he squealed and threw himself
as far from danger as possible...Right into
the path of Jamesy's cross to divert it zipping
into the net. His eyes were closed but it still
counts.
This was a sign from his Da. Not Charlie - we've
heard enough from that one - but his Sky Fairy Da.
Do you believe in the honesty of the Corpus diving
header, in which case he's going to commit to Celtic.
Or do you believe in the infidel Sandman's version
of events, in which case he's fluked it because he's
offski and was saving his own arse?
It's one of those Holy Conundrums Jesus kept pissing
people off with in the Bible when all they wanted was
a quiet pint - the ones where you don't get a straight
answer, just a fucking headache trying to work it out.
FRENCH EDDY - N/A
On for Griff's new rival, Japanese Eddy, tasked with
running the line and not getting injured, as we need
all the cash from his sale we can get to buy a defence.
In fairness he managed to be consequently inconsequential.
No, I'm not sure what I mean by that either.
ANITA DOBSON - 7.5/10
Kudos to Ange for staying brave; Front three, new bhoy
the focal point, had the measure of his opponents and
the conviction of his tactics to set us up for a go at
them; basically a back three as well, asking Nir
to step up into the midfield whenever opportune.
Sat back with a tinny and his feet up and scoffed at
them scoring a couple. "Fack'em we'll get four, mayte..."
No doubting his attacking intent but if he's not fully
aware we need a couple of fullbacks and a ruthless
defensive leader, he should be now. Get such in and
we'll romp the SPL this season because the forward-thinking
dynamism looks the most lively since The Snake shook things
up.
OVERALL - 7/10
Frustrating joy. Four goals in a perceived tricky away tie.
Enough about us to look like we can pump them on a decent day.
But defensive problems persist - our penalty box looks like
the 'Don't Panic' scene from Airplane every time the ball
is knocked in.
Our defenders look stunned at the sheer audacity of opponents
to play the ball anywhere near them, and by the time the shock's
worn off our hearts are in our mouths and the ball looming
ominously near our goal.
But we've all seen numerous dull, blunt euro away efforts that
have thrown up bewildering disappointment, so to rack up four
in the Czech republic at any time is something to enjoy with
cautious encouragment, if not relish.
Go Away Now.
Sandman
"In cinemas near you soon - a rollocking Swedish
musical comdey as a merry band of rampaging norsemen
go to Govan and make a stadium of gurning mutants
greet their eyes out. Don't miss Malmo Mia 2."
MGM trailer.
ROXIE HART - 6/10
Straight form Chicago jail to Czech outpost.
She always had ambiitions of stardom and now the
chance to fulfill them at Paradise and not some
seedy jazz club. The murder rap won't fit outside
the USA but murder might be on her mind when stuck
behind this defence.
Any dreams of a debut clean sheet got rudely
disturbed after 20 minutes of relative comfort
when dopey defending gave them a gift one-on-one.
Then the comedy phenomenon of her Chicago era
appeared late on to involve her in a keystone Cops
sketch for their second. Did manage a fine block to
thwart a third, however.
Overall, such a famous presence in nets does carry
an aura of stability. Here's hoping it can manifest
as a virus caught by the rest of the defence.
TONY THE TIGER - 4/10
From Sunday's Aztec Stadium '86 miracles to
Thursday's Third Lanark struggles. Rough first half
as Tony wrestled to get to grips with sprightly winger,
looked shaky and indecisive; then again, when does one
of our defenders not?
But there was no gilding his poor performance today
as he completed the game in turmoil, lost in space
when they notched that second.
GREGGS THE BAKER - 4/10
Toil and trouble - 90 minutes of pained expressions
like he burnt his fingers in the bakery ovens. Not
as pained as those on the faces of us watching him
hustle through the game. Never sharp enough or
deliberate in his execution. Few positive moments.
All the industry and effort in the world won't make
up for the crucial, missing, distinctive element of
class; Celtic class.
STARLORD - 5.5/10
Well, he might have improved on Sunday's calamity,
but not by much of a stretch. Absent of four mutant
henchmen (he'll be able to recruit more from the
crowd, last Sunday in August...) he looked
uncomfortable to be exposed and basically play as
a lone central defender.
As big Nir strode forward to solidify midfield,
Starlord got swamped and flustered too many a time.
Positionally hit and miss, he needs a defensive
partner roped within ten yards of him.
For all the above murmurrings, he still kept his
head relatively well given the disastrous full-back
play and space consequently afforded to their front
men.
BITTON - 6/10
The Good, the Bad, and the Morelos of the one-fingered
hitman all on show today.
The Good - priceless ability to step from deep and
play a killer ball to turn a game, exemplified by
unleashing Mr.Kobayashi.
The Bad - wandering minstrel defending as a Czech bus
driver drove through the gap left in the centre of
defence onto a simple lob to open their scoring.
The Morelos - lashed the ball into his own net for
their second after it had come off the post. I'm not
having the 'it was in' pish - it came back to Nir
and he failed to wrap his foot round it and clear off
the line; nor do I buy the 'showing Mr.Kobayashi how
to do it,' excuse.
MAN OF - 7/10
Another tireless water-carrier performance. Plenty
of energy and thankfully so, as he was left in tandem
with Calmac once again to take care of the midfield.
Doing the Broony job very well to date.
CALMAC - 8.5/10 MOTM
Simply remarkable. Both the motivational and creative
drive. Excellent football, relentless involvement;
making up for the paucity of others' contributions
with rousing play, deserved to be capped with a goal.
He'll be unstoppable with a quality midfielder
actually functioning properly beside him...
EDDIE TURNBULL - 3.5/10
Geriatric ailments are no excuse. Nor is his
apprehension at travelling to the Czech Republic -
he was reassured before getting on the plane that
it was no longer Nazi-occupied.
Nope, I'm afraid he's just not imposing himself on
the game at all. Floating around, looking for moments
to influence. Managed one, smart dink through for
Jamesy's strike.
But around that, lapses, giving away possession,
MIA. An ethereal presence, mostly, when we require
an involved playmaker to link with Calmac and the
frontline; constantly.
JAMESY - 6.5/10
Much more like it. Quiet first-half, but that was
due to shooting at the empty end of the ground.
Soon as we turned for the second period, Jamesy
was running at a stand behind the goals. Containing
wimmen.
And how it inspired. He was a fleet-footed thorn
in their side, slamming our third into the
roof of the net with his standing leg (great finish)
and celebrating with a cheeky flash to the ladies
behind the goals of his third leg...
Then set up Corpus to topple onto a fine cross to
kill the game, and probably tie. More gametime
equals more Jamesy, girls. This could be his season
if we can keep him fit and involved; his dynamism
lifts the attacking verve in ways we've missed;
game-changing ways.
ABADASS - 6.5/10
Lively and damaging all first-half; nice to see
him have an impact after fading on Sunday.
Scored, might have had a double, created enough
entertaining chaos to merit his start.
Still just a bhoy in a strange new land (And, boy,
is it going to get stranger when he soon gets a
look at the Mordor Huns...He'll think he's on
a Stranger Things safari) with a point to
prove, and making a decent fist of it.
MR.KOBAYASHI - 7/10
Keiser Soze approves. All-round enlightening
play; deft and quality touches for his first
goal - the Japanese Cadete.
Then the incredible generosity of spirit shown
second-half to smash another ball into the stand
for the artful dodger who stole one in the
first-half...
Movement looked very good, kept appearing in
dangerous areas like a deadly Pokemon, and
we wonder what he's capable of when the team's
firing properly; prospects are enticing.
SUBS:
ROGIC - 5.5/10
Jolly Swagman thrown on by his compatriot to
trouble their midfield more than Eddie T.
And he did, showing some strength and purpose;
a promising sign from Oz, in contrast to
his more recent ineffectual cameos.
CORPUS CHRISTIE - 6.5/10
What a fall. Feeling his opponent close tight
from behind, he squealed and threw himself
as far from danger as possible...Right into
the path of Jamesy's cross to divert it zipping
into the net. His eyes were closed but it still
counts.
This was a sign from his Da. Not Charlie - we've
heard enough from that one - but his Sky Fairy Da.
Do you believe in the honesty of the Corpus diving
header, in which case he's going to commit to Celtic.
Or do you believe in the infidel Sandman's version
of events, in which case he's fluked it because he's
offski and was saving his own arse?
It's one of those Holy Conundrums Jesus kept pissing
people off with in the Bible when all they wanted was
a quiet pint - the ones where you don't get a straight
answer, just a fucking headache trying to work it out.
FRENCH EDDY - N/A
On for Griff's new rival, Japanese Eddy, tasked with
running the line and not getting injured, as we need
all the cash from his sale we can get to buy a defence.
In fairness he managed to be consequently inconsequential.
No, I'm not sure what I mean by that either.
ANITA DOBSON - 7.5/10
Kudos to Ange for staying brave; Front three, new bhoy
the focal point, had the measure of his opponents and
the conviction of his tactics to set us up for a go at
them; basically a back three as well, asking Nir
to step up into the midfield whenever opportune.
Sat back with a tinny and his feet up and scoffed at
them scoring a couple. "Fack'em we'll get four, mayte..."
No doubting his attacking intent but if he's not fully
aware we need a couple of fullbacks and a ruthless
defensive leader, he should be now. Get such in and
we'll romp the SPL this season because the forward-thinking
dynamism looks the most lively since The Snake shook things
up.
OVERALL - 7/10
Frustrating joy. Four goals in a perceived tricky away tie.
Enough about us to look like we can pump them on a decent day.
But defensive problems persist - our penalty box looks like
the 'Don't Panic' scene from Airplane every time the ball
is knocked in.
Our defenders look stunned at the sheer audacity of opponents
to play the ball anywhere near them, and by the time the shock's
worn off our hearts are in our mouths and the ball looming
ominously near our goal.
But we've all seen numerous dull, blunt euro away efforts that
have thrown up bewildering disappointment, so to rack up four
in the Czech republic at any time is something to enjoy with
cautious encouragment, if not relish.
Go Away Now.
Sandman
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