Sandman
Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ LEITH CRACKHOOSE
"Aye, ye see - if ye count all the trees in America and then
ye divide that by the amount ay Russian burds that huv goat
great erses ye get a prime number that ye can turn intae
letters o' the greek alphabet that spell oot 'Rangers is
champeens ay the fitba losers wuruld cup'. So, see? Aye, an'
the Earth's flat too - a cannae see any curve fae Tesco car park
in Bishopbriggs. So there."
- Excerpt from 'Logic With Kenny Miller', BBC Scotland podcast.
BANE - 6.5/10
MOTM... For 80 minutes... Two top-class wonder saves then
screws the pooch with the clumsiest bit of handling since
Allan McGregor's solicitor claimed, "Allan's a loving man -
he calls it 'tough love' but y'know, short skirt an' that..."
Shame for Baney, as he'd kept us in the game with exemplary
keeping and even thrown in an amusing 'Eddie Turnbull hip
displacement' sketch to liven up his first half. What a joker.
TONY THE TIGER - 5/10
Tony did get in a few telling balls but played with a stutter
that made him the footballing equivalent of Ronnie Barker's
Arkwright; Ultimately led to Tony conceding a stupid pen and
leaving his flank Open All Hours, which they exploited well.
STAR LORD - 6.5/10
Another decent outing for Shaglord, faced up well to Hibs
brawny forwards and hardly had a mis-step as he covered as
much as he could for the rest of the Suicide Squad; sorry,
'defence.'
MR.KOBAYASHI - 3.5/10
Whatever Keyser Soze sees in the Japanese boyband frontman,
it's not yet translated into a Celtic shirt.
Casual, rolled too easy, required a superb Bane save to get
him out of double-jail early after gifting possession and
then being out-muscled in a backpost jump while trying to
redeem himself.
Things didn't improve, and was run around like a dealership's
test-drive Honda when we dropped to ten men.
DIEGO ARMANDO MARADONA - 4/10
Best thing the wee man did all night was deliver the meme
of the game in a couple of shaking-head close ups when the
roof had caved in. Awful passing and touch; just not in the
game mentally or physically.
CALMAC - 6/10
Took total charge of the middle for the first half hour
and for all the world it looked like the Kapellmeister
would conduct a Celtic symphony to a resounding victory.
But after the break the rhythm section fell apart and
he hadn't the players around him to produce a reprise.
TONIO IWATAO - 5/10
Quiet. Too quiet; Like the best westerns, but not
appropriate for Wild West Leith.
He's got the guns to be a gunslinger but we waited
all night fo him to break thenm out and retake the
midfied after their resurgence. Nope; must've been
shot offscreen in the second act.
HAKUNA HATATE - 6/10
A night where Reo got his groove back. Somewhat.
Appeared sharper and more dangerous in his movement,
rolled in a fine penalty, instrumental in the break
for the a second. But lack of energy reserves and peak
fitness ensured he was stifled when we were a man down.
ABADASS - 5/10
Still think the young scampering superstar looks more
focussed and intense in his work since differences were
settled.
Threatening and lively early on, stopped by the keeper,
then faded from the game badly after he missed a sitter.
OH BHOY - 7/10 MOTM
Always good to see a central striker mad for it, battling
and hungry. Hit the bar, produced a great save after
some robust skillful individual work, and got his reward
with killer-instinct to poke home.
Then...Well, fuck me; Survived a challenge that could
have torn his achilles tendon off his heel. More on that
below. Just happy to see the Bhoy Oh walk off and not be
carried off.
HACKY SACK - N/A
Escaped the shambles early with a pull. No, Jamesy...
SUBS -
THE BUILDER - N/A
Fumbled about the park for a while, wondering where
everyone was.
LORD KATSUMOTO - 5.5/10
LOL, maniac. Right from his introduction he was tearing
about and tearing into them, giving the home supoort the
eye, and also whipping in some telling crosses.
You just kind of knew there was Daizen drama in the air
and the priapic Clancy couldn't believe his luck after a
typical Daizen closing-down moment invoked a second card
after a clumsy slip. Laughable nonsense officiating;
yes it is, when you compare it to the Oh 'challenge'.
KILLER MUSHROOM - N/A
I have to? Damn.
EDDIE TURNBULL - N/A
Kind of disappeared in slow motion. A bit like his Celtic
career. Happy, though, to be on the old park again with
the green and white all around him; just couldn't work out
why matron had dressed him in black. Am I reffing? Who's
that large Australian gentleman swearing at me?
JAMESY - N/A
You thought you'd seen the back of Jamesy. Well, Leith,
here's his front! And all the skinny (and some NOT so
skinny...Yes, you, Chunk...) wee virgins in their ultras
section stripped to the waist with excitement.
ANITA DOBSON - 6/10
If only he'd ocassionally employ Aussie Rules tactics and
justly nut an official or two to protect his Bhoys. I can
imagine the thought ran through the Big Mhan's heid a few
times tonight.
Everything seemed just tickety-boo and the squad were
getting a fine runout, synching into the Angeball mechanism
with notable aplomb. For the first third of the game.
When the home side's half-time heroin kicked in and Hibs
got back at us, Ange's subs didn't work out. We lost shape
and tempo and fell apart like an Alfie Morelos fitness regime.
MIBBERY - 8/10
Second last league game of the season to properly nail us,
the fucks.
Yes, Daizen, yes the strained VAR Indy-and-the-Raiders-Of-
The-Lost-Ark efforts to find a way to disallow our second
were typical of them, but...
This is clown circus supreme: And Celtic TV providing the
prancing horses - honestly guys, you consider that rescinded
red as justice?
That 'tackle' on Oh was LAUNCHED from behind as he sprinted
away, deliberately catching his extened leg, calf and achilles -
so what if the contact was laces and not studs! For FUCKS SAKE!
Full force, a wrecking attempt with INTENT to wipe him out
that could have carried - SHOULD have carried - devastating
results.
Testament to the Bhoy Oh's flexibility, fitness and recovery
that he came through unscathed; probabilities for that sort of
hit are long-term injury; and that's a hopeful progniosis.
A FUCKING disgrace of officiating between Clancy Drew and the
witless Hun Dog on VAR who questioned the red.
Serious injury to our players now a real possibility; watch this
space for the Cup Final and the last desperate attempts to save
the Huns' sinking ship next season. These scumbags are going to
let things out of control.
OVERALL - 5/10
I hate end-of-season friendlies almost as much as I do pre-season
ones. That competitive edge is just... Absent. And it's tough to
slap our Bhoys around critically when you know THEY were the ones
who did it when it counted and are deserved CHAMPIONS.
So a bizarre and savage evening unfolded in Das Kapital. Complete
Angeball control of the opening half hour and by half-time the
bookies were closing down the 3-0/4-0 Hoops books.
Then Daizen went careering and freewheeling like he'd been cast
in Kill Bill 4, the Hibees scored a goal from Zidane's back catalogue
and the fuckmonkey with the whistle fails to level up the tens.
Ultimately we lose our way, the subs only detract from an already
toiling performance and we do a Barcelona - get pumped yet again
after the big Job has been done.
It was pretty entertaining, if infuriating, stuff and the only wry
smile managed was that Hibs took more goals off us that the current
Shitebags After-The-Fact Supercup Leaders did a fortnight ago; Who
amusingly appear to have collapsed and conceded in the last minute
as news of Tina Turner's passing hit a simply depressed Mordor.
What?
I had to. C'mon. Loved big leggy Tina. RIP. And every proper musical
superstar's allowed one duff track...
Always though 'Nutbush City Limits' more suited the Hun nuthoose
anyway...
Saturday. Champions Day. All will be forgiven when Calmac lifts the only
one that counts.
Go Away Now
Sandman
"Aye, ye see - if ye count all the trees in America and then
ye divide that by the amount ay Russian burds that huv goat
great erses ye get a prime number that ye can turn intae
letters o' the greek alphabet that spell oot 'Rangers is
champeens ay the fitba losers wuruld cup'. So, see? Aye, an'
the Earth's flat too - a cannae see any curve fae Tesco car park
in Bishopbriggs. So there."
- Excerpt from 'Logic With Kenny Miller', BBC Scotland podcast.
BANE - 6.5/10
MOTM... For 80 minutes... Two top-class wonder saves then
screws the pooch with the clumsiest bit of handling since
Allan McGregor's solicitor claimed, "Allan's a loving man -
he calls it 'tough love' but y'know, short skirt an' that..."
Shame for Baney, as he'd kept us in the game with exemplary
keeping and even thrown in an amusing 'Eddie Turnbull hip
displacement' sketch to liven up his first half. What a joker.
TONY THE TIGER - 5/10
Tony did get in a few telling balls but played with a stutter
that made him the footballing equivalent of Ronnie Barker's
Arkwright; Ultimately led to Tony conceding a stupid pen and
leaving his flank Open All Hours, which they exploited well.
STAR LORD - 6.5/10
Another decent outing for Shaglord, faced up well to Hibs
brawny forwards and hardly had a mis-step as he covered as
much as he could for the rest of the Suicide Squad; sorry,
'defence.'
MR.KOBAYASHI - 3.5/10
Whatever Keyser Soze sees in the Japanese boyband frontman,
it's not yet translated into a Celtic shirt.
Casual, rolled too easy, required a superb Bane save to get
him out of double-jail early after gifting possession and
then being out-muscled in a backpost jump while trying to
redeem himself.
Things didn't improve, and was run around like a dealership's
test-drive Honda when we dropped to ten men.
DIEGO ARMANDO MARADONA - 4/10
Best thing the wee man did all night was deliver the meme
of the game in a couple of shaking-head close ups when the
roof had caved in. Awful passing and touch; just not in the
game mentally or physically.
CALMAC - 6/10
Took total charge of the middle for the first half hour
and for all the world it looked like the Kapellmeister
would conduct a Celtic symphony to a resounding victory.
But after the break the rhythm section fell apart and
he hadn't the players around him to produce a reprise.
TONIO IWATAO - 5/10
Quiet. Too quiet; Like the best westerns, but not
appropriate for Wild West Leith.
He's got the guns to be a gunslinger but we waited
all night fo him to break thenm out and retake the
midfied after their resurgence. Nope; must've been
shot offscreen in the second act.
HAKUNA HATATE - 6/10
A night where Reo got his groove back. Somewhat.
Appeared sharper and more dangerous in his movement,
rolled in a fine penalty, instrumental in the break
for the a second. But lack of energy reserves and peak
fitness ensured he was stifled when we were a man down.
ABADASS - 5/10
Still think the young scampering superstar looks more
focussed and intense in his work since differences were
settled.
Threatening and lively early on, stopped by the keeper,
then faded from the game badly after he missed a sitter.
OH BHOY - 7/10 MOTM
Always good to see a central striker mad for it, battling
and hungry. Hit the bar, produced a great save after
some robust skillful individual work, and got his reward
with killer-instinct to poke home.
Then...Well, fuck me; Survived a challenge that could
have torn his achilles tendon off his heel. More on that
below. Just happy to see the Bhoy Oh walk off and not be
carried off.
HACKY SACK - N/A
Escaped the shambles early with a pull. No, Jamesy...
SUBS -
THE BUILDER - N/A
Fumbled about the park for a while, wondering where
everyone was.
LORD KATSUMOTO - 5.5/10
LOL, maniac. Right from his introduction he was tearing
about and tearing into them, giving the home supoort the
eye, and also whipping in some telling crosses.
You just kind of knew there was Daizen drama in the air
and the priapic Clancy couldn't believe his luck after a
typical Daizen closing-down moment invoked a second card
after a clumsy slip. Laughable nonsense officiating;
yes it is, when you compare it to the Oh 'challenge'.
KILLER MUSHROOM - N/A
I have to? Damn.
EDDIE TURNBULL - N/A
Kind of disappeared in slow motion. A bit like his Celtic
career. Happy, though, to be on the old park again with
the green and white all around him; just couldn't work out
why matron had dressed him in black. Am I reffing? Who's
that large Australian gentleman swearing at me?
JAMESY - N/A
You thought you'd seen the back of Jamesy. Well, Leith,
here's his front! And all the skinny (and some NOT so
skinny...Yes, you, Chunk...) wee virgins in their ultras
section stripped to the waist with excitement.
ANITA DOBSON - 6/10
If only he'd ocassionally employ Aussie Rules tactics and
justly nut an official or two to protect his Bhoys. I can
imagine the thought ran through the Big Mhan's heid a few
times tonight.
Everything seemed just tickety-boo and the squad were
getting a fine runout, synching into the Angeball mechanism
with notable aplomb. For the first third of the game.
When the home side's half-time heroin kicked in and Hibs
got back at us, Ange's subs didn't work out. We lost shape
and tempo and fell apart like an Alfie Morelos fitness regime.
MIBBERY - 8/10
Second last league game of the season to properly nail us,
the fucks.
Yes, Daizen, yes the strained VAR Indy-and-the-Raiders-Of-
The-Lost-Ark efforts to find a way to disallow our second
were typical of them, but...
This is clown circus supreme: And Celtic TV providing the
prancing horses - honestly guys, you consider that rescinded
red as justice?
That 'tackle' on Oh was LAUNCHED from behind as he sprinted
away, deliberately catching his extened leg, calf and achilles -
so what if the contact was laces and not studs! For FUCKS SAKE!
Full force, a wrecking attempt with INTENT to wipe him out
that could have carried - SHOULD have carried - devastating
results.
Testament to the Bhoy Oh's flexibility, fitness and recovery
that he came through unscathed; probabilities for that sort of
hit are long-term injury; and that's a hopeful progniosis.
A FUCKING disgrace of officiating between Clancy Drew and the
witless Hun Dog on VAR who questioned the red.
Serious injury to our players now a real possibility; watch this
space for the Cup Final and the last desperate attempts to save
the Huns' sinking ship next season. These scumbags are going to
let things out of control.
OVERALL - 5/10
I hate end-of-season friendlies almost as much as I do pre-season
ones. That competitive edge is just... Absent. And it's tough to
slap our Bhoys around critically when you know THEY were the ones
who did it when it counted and are deserved CHAMPIONS.
So a bizarre and savage evening unfolded in Das Kapital. Complete
Angeball control of the opening half hour and by half-time the
bookies were closing down the 3-0/4-0 Hoops books.
Then Daizen went careering and freewheeling like he'd been cast
in Kill Bill 4, the Hibees scored a goal from Zidane's back catalogue
and the fuckmonkey with the whistle fails to level up the tens.
Ultimately we lose our way, the subs only detract from an already
toiling performance and we do a Barcelona - get pumped yet again
after the big Job has been done.
It was pretty entertaining, if infuriating, stuff and the only wry
smile managed was that Hibs took more goals off us that the current
Shitebags After-The-Fact Supercup Leaders did a fortnight ago; Who
amusingly appear to have collapsed and conceded in the last minute
as news of Tina Turner's passing hit a simply depressed Mordor.
What?
I had to. C'mon. Loved big leggy Tina. RIP. And every proper musical
superstar's allowed one duff track...
Always though 'Nutbush City Limits' more suited the Hun nuthoose
anyway...
Saturday. Champions Day. All will be forgiven when Calmac lifts the only
one that counts.
Go Away Now
Sandman
