Sandman
Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ MOGADISHU
"We, The Rangers International Entitlement FC,
have written to the SFA to request clarification
as to why there are no dinosaurs running around
Govan.
Claims that this was the result of an initial
apocalyptic comet impact need to be addressed
and we demand to hear the audio from this
so-called extinction event.
In the interests of species integrity the details
must be made public. Only then can we be certain
a Brontosaurus could outrun Cyril Dessers, and we
can assure young MacCausland that once upon a time
everything on Earth was as fucking bizarre looking
as him."
- Statement #1690, The Huns.
ROXIE - 6.5/10
"Is this a piece of your brain?"
Big Joe re-enacts the classic Fawlty Towers scene
for the benefit of the freezing, soaking away end.
Let's not beat about the bush here, Jamesy - bravery
and class in one wincing second; puts his heid on
the line for the cause then gets back up and assures
his would-be assassin it's all part of the game.
Hero. Fuck the disgruntled.
GREGGS THE BAKER - 7.5/10
Tremendous. And that's just the hangover-curing
properties of his sausage rolls.
A wet night in Paisley is Taylor-made (see what I
did there pished-pun fans?) made for few; Slappers,
yes, and also Greggs.
Total involvement, inverting, pressing, hurting -
took sneaky stamping studs across the top of his
foot; snide cunt...
Capped it all off with a delicate finishing pastry
of a cushioned left-foot volley.
WAYNE GRETZKY - 5/10
Jeez, there's not a lot going for him. BUT... He's
a pro of a kid and will give it all until the tide
turns. Habitually volatile with his use of the ball,
and just hoped something might break his way later
on; when yer luck's out even the lucky goals won't
come either...
One thing you can be sure of - he'll keep turning
up and keep at it 'til the tide turns.
OF JUSTICE - 6.5/10
Bother? Nane. What a season he's had to date, displayed
in microcosm in moments tonight as he kept a cool
head after a brief fluster, showed how comfortable
on the ball he is, combated greater physiques, then
almost iced the cake with a great flashing header, paid
no respect to by the Ginger Ghod of Glory as it cracked
the post.
APOLLO CREED - 6/10
Segued his Saturday stint into a Tuesday stroll.
While there was still a decent physical threat he
stood up to the test, may have looked a little
rusty in his tracking but appeared overall solid.
CALMAC - 6/10
Oh, so quiet; a deserved rest for the Hunskelping
skip as the O'Reilly Twins ahead took care of
business. As ever he remained purposefully involved
in controlling the tides of pressure and linking
the Celtic web together.
SAINT BERNARDO - 8/10 MOTM
Like Greggs, the festive find of the season. Third
game in a row he makes me repeat my words; bhoy has
a lot in his locker.
At this dreich graveyard of a ground for us on many
a loathsome occasion, you need some special player
to make the difference.
There he was - two pure football moments to warm the
cockles; the take and spin then the Seve Ballesteros
wedge to set up Greggs. Like in Dundee - I'll point
out this is a sun-kissed Portuguese kid turning up
in the shittiest Scottish winter weather to gild the
thistles with sheer class, AND dig.
Magnitute of his contribution may begin to emulate
another Portuguese kid. Proven matchwinner. Proven
Hunskelper.
Now, do we buy? I'll make this easy - does the Pope
hate the Huns?
THE BUILDER - 7.5/10
The 100 club. With an assist and a goal. And a broken
beak. Seems no end to this bhoy's handsomeness and
talent - smashed up by the envious Huns on Saturday,
here he is on Tuesday swashbuckling like Errol Flynn
and sucking the breath from the wonderstruck locals
with his godlike profile.
They've already commissioned favourite gangster artist
Jimmy Boyle to commemorate Matty's visit with a sculpture
for Paisley Town Hall. Simply titled, 'Alien Adonis'.
BRIAN DE - 3.5/10
Pish, basically. So patchy and sand-dancer-ish that
Mikey J kept gesturing at him from the sidelines, and
enquiring open-armed of Buck, "Eh? The fuck?".
Such is his particular style that when it doesn't
come off, then he'd better.
LORD KATSUMOTO - 6/10
50 seconds isn't just Daizen's marathon personal best,
it's also the speed with which he dispatched disgruntled
moaners like me regarding Saturday's debatable performance
by drifting in to poke the vital opener tonight.
After that he remained just typically Daizen and now we
wish him well as he is emergency airlifted to Japan to
race the Tsunamis ashore as a special one-man warning
system.
KILLER MUSHROOM - 5/10
Ha, ha, ha, are you watching, Huns? The wee mhan's as
pants as you kept claiming... Missed a gift, couldn't
find a space, got hooked, dropped by Japan.
From lethal potentcy to Paisley impotent - "What's that
mean? never heard the word," said Jamesy.
After the weekend, who cares if he skewed a simple heider
wide? I'm more delighted Japan suddenly decided they don't
need to score goals to win games, but quite concerned
Rodgers' system still doesn't service him as it should and
that Big Ange needs penalty-box assassin for his synagogue
rebuild...
SUBS -
YING - 5.5/10
Run, kid, but remember to stop when you see the white
lines. Apart from trying to join the Green Brigade he
showed decent footwork and a willingness to cause damage.
ABADASS - N/A
Remember...Bam! There he is! Nearly scored!
Then: nope, gone again.
LAGERTHA - N/A
Well, there you are - won't play them for months then
both get a shot in the one game. Managers of suspicious
loyalty, eh? Who'd have 'em...
OH BHOY - 5.5/10
Thunderstruck they nearly were. Fancied his chances up
against their brawny defence and gave as good as he got.
Another with no luck in front of goal.
HAKUNA HATATE - 6/10
Purposeful you are, Reo San. On like a man on a mission -
and he is; got to get back to levels for Japan and the Hoops
that match his potential. Looked the part tonight more than
the stop-start returns of previous months. The Asia Cup
excursion will actually be a benefit to us, long as he avoids
injury.
THE SHNAKE - 7.5/10
The only manager this century who hasn't lost in
Paisley? Not sure if that's valid but quite a feat
to get out of literal Dodge with reputation intact,
and no bullet holes in yer back.
Would he make changes, given the intensity of Saturday?
Only one, forced, but basically the same team who
played an hour together. Would this prove as daunting
and difficult a fixture as it had transpired for his
predecessor?
Nah... Graveyard? More like playground.
MIBBERY - 3/10
No time. No time to live the dream for Wavey Davey Munro.
Whatever determination to amend the damage done by Saturday's
officialdom's capitulation to the rules, never got started.
Because Celtic did. And to the brethren's dismay their VAR
battle-droid once again malfunctioned and left them no choice
but to end the contest with a red. It's been a disaster for
them this Xmas; if only Santa had forgotten the batteries.
OVERALL - 7.5/10
This fixture's almost been more anticipated in the SFA
offices than the Pornhub Bestiality section festive update.
(Community Notes: There is no Bestiality section on Pornhub;
a friend confirmed that for me...)
But any anticipated stress on our part was vanquished
immediately as Renfrewshire's Little Rascals were destroyed
in a ruthless double-tap, the like of which not seen since
Fat Stavros stormed the Toledo Junction nightclub VIP area
(a 4-seater booth next to the main bar with the only intact
upholstery in the joint) in 1986 and settled his lard and
quaalude debt with Spongo Chutney Fae Feegie using a potato
gun and a packet of Fun Snaps Throw Bangers.
The carnage that night was not repeated as the Bhoys danced
through the rain like Gene Fucking Kelly and assuaged all fears
of Paisley PTSD.
This was a belated Xmas present almost as satisfying as the
vanquishing of the scurrilous Huns, played out to the suitable
background score of Wagner's 'Ride Of The Boos' as the home
support realised their New Year was old scores being settled.
Only thing to do now before the pished-up monks arrive for
a cup game is to stand in front of the transfer window and
block anyone decent trying to sneak out of it, whilst hauling
in a few who look like they can fit the jerseys. Out with the
old, in with the new.
And on that subject, Happy New Year to you fine folks. Strap
in for the ride. That's 'in', Jamesy, not 'on'; 'In'...
Go Away Now
Sandman
"We, The Rangers International Entitlement FC,
have written to the SFA to request clarification
as to why there are no dinosaurs running around
Govan.
Claims that this was the result of an initial
apocalyptic comet impact need to be addressed
and we demand to hear the audio from this
so-called extinction event.
In the interests of species integrity the details
must be made public. Only then can we be certain
a Brontosaurus could outrun Cyril Dessers, and we
can assure young MacCausland that once upon a time
everything on Earth was as fucking bizarre looking
as him."
- Statement #1690, The Huns.
ROXIE - 6.5/10
"Is this a piece of your brain?"
Big Joe re-enacts the classic Fawlty Towers scene
for the benefit of the freezing, soaking away end.
Let's not beat about the bush here, Jamesy - bravery
and class in one wincing second; puts his heid on
the line for the cause then gets back up and assures
his would-be assassin it's all part of the game.
Hero. Fuck the disgruntled.
GREGGS THE BAKER - 7.5/10
Tremendous. And that's just the hangover-curing
properties of his sausage rolls.
A wet night in Paisley is Taylor-made (see what I
did there pished-pun fans?) made for few; Slappers,
yes, and also Greggs.
Total involvement, inverting, pressing, hurting -
took sneaky stamping studs across the top of his
foot; snide cunt...
Capped it all off with a delicate finishing pastry
of a cushioned left-foot volley.
WAYNE GRETZKY - 5/10
Jeez, there's not a lot going for him. BUT... He's
a pro of a kid and will give it all until the tide
turns. Habitually volatile with his use of the ball,
and just hoped something might break his way later
on; when yer luck's out even the lucky goals won't
come either...
One thing you can be sure of - he'll keep turning
up and keep at it 'til the tide turns.
OF JUSTICE - 6.5/10
Bother? Nane. What a season he's had to date, displayed
in microcosm in moments tonight as he kept a cool
head after a brief fluster, showed how comfortable
on the ball he is, combated greater physiques, then
almost iced the cake with a great flashing header, paid
no respect to by the Ginger Ghod of Glory as it cracked
the post.
APOLLO CREED - 6/10
Segued his Saturday stint into a Tuesday stroll.
While there was still a decent physical threat he
stood up to the test, may have looked a little
rusty in his tracking but appeared overall solid.
CALMAC - 6/10
Oh, so quiet; a deserved rest for the Hunskelping
skip as the O'Reilly Twins ahead took care of
business. As ever he remained purposefully involved
in controlling the tides of pressure and linking
the Celtic web together.
SAINT BERNARDO - 8/10 MOTM
Like Greggs, the festive find of the season. Third
game in a row he makes me repeat my words; bhoy has
a lot in his locker.
At this dreich graveyard of a ground for us on many
a loathsome occasion, you need some special player
to make the difference.
There he was - two pure football moments to warm the
cockles; the take and spin then the Seve Ballesteros
wedge to set up Greggs. Like in Dundee - I'll point
out this is a sun-kissed Portuguese kid turning up
in the shittiest Scottish winter weather to gild the
thistles with sheer class, AND dig.
Magnitute of his contribution may begin to emulate
another Portuguese kid. Proven matchwinner. Proven
Hunskelper.
Now, do we buy? I'll make this easy - does the Pope
hate the Huns?
THE BUILDER - 7.5/10
The 100 club. With an assist and a goal. And a broken
beak. Seems no end to this bhoy's handsomeness and
talent - smashed up by the envious Huns on Saturday,
here he is on Tuesday swashbuckling like Errol Flynn
and sucking the breath from the wonderstruck locals
with his godlike profile.
They've already commissioned favourite gangster artist
Jimmy Boyle to commemorate Matty's visit with a sculpture
for Paisley Town Hall. Simply titled, 'Alien Adonis'.
BRIAN DE - 3.5/10
Pish, basically. So patchy and sand-dancer-ish that
Mikey J kept gesturing at him from the sidelines, and
enquiring open-armed of Buck, "Eh? The fuck?".
Such is his particular style that when it doesn't
come off, then he'd better.
LORD KATSUMOTO - 6/10
50 seconds isn't just Daizen's marathon personal best,
it's also the speed with which he dispatched disgruntled
moaners like me regarding Saturday's debatable performance
by drifting in to poke the vital opener tonight.
After that he remained just typically Daizen and now we
wish him well as he is emergency airlifted to Japan to
race the Tsunamis ashore as a special one-man warning
system.
KILLER MUSHROOM - 5/10
Ha, ha, ha, are you watching, Huns? The wee mhan's as
pants as you kept claiming... Missed a gift, couldn't
find a space, got hooked, dropped by Japan.
From lethal potentcy to Paisley impotent - "What's that
mean? never heard the word," said Jamesy.
After the weekend, who cares if he skewed a simple heider
wide? I'm more delighted Japan suddenly decided they don't
need to score goals to win games, but quite concerned
Rodgers' system still doesn't service him as it should and
that Big Ange needs penalty-box assassin for his synagogue
rebuild...
SUBS -
YING - 5.5/10
Run, kid, but remember to stop when you see the white
lines. Apart from trying to join the Green Brigade he
showed decent footwork and a willingness to cause damage.
ABADASS - N/A
Remember...Bam! There he is! Nearly scored!
Then: nope, gone again.
LAGERTHA - N/A
Well, there you are - won't play them for months then
both get a shot in the one game. Managers of suspicious
loyalty, eh? Who'd have 'em...
OH BHOY - 5.5/10
Thunderstruck they nearly were. Fancied his chances up
against their brawny defence and gave as good as he got.
Another with no luck in front of goal.
HAKUNA HATATE - 6/10
Purposeful you are, Reo San. On like a man on a mission -
and he is; got to get back to levels for Japan and the Hoops
that match his potential. Looked the part tonight more than
the stop-start returns of previous months. The Asia Cup
excursion will actually be a benefit to us, long as he avoids
injury.
THE SHNAKE - 7.5/10
The only manager this century who hasn't lost in
Paisley? Not sure if that's valid but quite a feat
to get out of literal Dodge with reputation intact,
and no bullet holes in yer back.
Would he make changes, given the intensity of Saturday?
Only one, forced, but basically the same team who
played an hour together. Would this prove as daunting
and difficult a fixture as it had transpired for his
predecessor?
Nah... Graveyard? More like playground.
MIBBERY - 3/10
No time. No time to live the dream for Wavey Davey Munro.
Whatever determination to amend the damage done by Saturday's
officialdom's capitulation to the rules, never got started.
Because Celtic did. And to the brethren's dismay their VAR
battle-droid once again malfunctioned and left them no choice
but to end the contest with a red. It's been a disaster for
them this Xmas; if only Santa had forgotten the batteries.
OVERALL - 7.5/10
This fixture's almost been more anticipated in the SFA
offices than the Pornhub Bestiality section festive update.
(Community Notes: There is no Bestiality section on Pornhub;
a friend confirmed that for me...)
But any anticipated stress on our part was vanquished
immediately as Renfrewshire's Little Rascals were destroyed
in a ruthless double-tap, the like of which not seen since
Fat Stavros stormed the Toledo Junction nightclub VIP area
(a 4-seater booth next to the main bar with the only intact
upholstery in the joint) in 1986 and settled his lard and
quaalude debt with Spongo Chutney Fae Feegie using a potato
gun and a packet of Fun Snaps Throw Bangers.
The carnage that night was not repeated as the Bhoys danced
through the rain like Gene Fucking Kelly and assuaged all fears
of Paisley PTSD.
This was a belated Xmas present almost as satisfying as the
vanquishing of the scurrilous Huns, played out to the suitable
background score of Wagner's 'Ride Of The Boos' as the home
support realised their New Year was old scores being settled.
Only thing to do now before the pished-up monks arrive for
a cup game is to stand in front of the transfer window and
block anyone decent trying to sneak out of it, whilst hauling
in a few who look like they can fit the jerseys. Out with the
old, in with the new.
And on that subject, Happy New Year to you fine folks. Strap
in for the ride. That's 'in', Jamesy, not 'on'; 'In'...
Go Away Now
Sandman
Last edited:
Fixed the C&P
Slàinte
