Sandman
Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ OOR WULLIE
"You ask thees - why ees Alfredo Morelos so angry? Why ees Alfredo Morelos so beeter?
Why heez crazy antics?
Well, I tell you - when he was boy, his soccer team invited to Neverland to stay.
But thee Michael, he no interested in Alfie. He say, 'I geeve Jesus juice to all
you boys an' you stay in my room and we play whack-a-mole weeth my wang, but no heem,"
An' he point at Alfredo, an' say, 'Thee leetle deformed rodent mascot one - he no need
to show to me his ass. He like a capybara weeth constipation. You send heem home."
So there you know, you have thee reason; ees no wonder Alfie got bad attitude on
peetch - even Jackson no want to fock heem."
Alfredo Morelos' agent answering questions about his client's on-field behaviour.
"What did Dundee give to the world? Well, jute - whatever the fuck that is - incest, obviously,
plus chronic drug addiction and mildly-amusing comics - if you think the the Sunday Post is
cutting-edge political insight. And there was Grand Theft Auto, which is basically a gaming
documentary of life in Dundee, alien abduction, and famously three bridges; one of which fell
down and inspired both shite poetry and the Meatloaf song, 'Two Out Of Three Ain't Bad'."
'Britain's Most Historic Towns' Channel 4.
"Waaaaa, wwwwaaaaaa, boo-hoo-hooo-hooooo, thems got SIX minutes, we only goat FIVE!
Waaaaaa,waaaaa..."
Inconsolable HUNS everywhere.
"Haaa-hahahahahah, haaaaa-hahahahahaa... Moind the TEN point gap! Roight rewnd yees
orange bastids!"
St.Patrick
BANE - 8/10
Raised on the rocky wasteland of Santa Prisca, in the filth of the Pena Dura dungeon prison,
a visit to Dundee is like a vacation. And he swaggered about like a man enjoying himself - utterly
crucial one-on-one save on half-time to stop the sucker-punch, and commanded his area well under
pressure at numerous corners from their big beasts. Steal of the season.
TOEJAM - 5/10
Hmmm. 'He played in the Bundesliga.' Aye... Looks like I'll be partnering Hummels at centre-back for
Bayern next season, then. Crossing was generally poor-woeful as he roamed down the right.
Couldn't get any link-ups working either. I get the feeling he flatters to deceive and is a player most
comfortable in games that ebb and flow; too much of the ball when we dominate or too much
pressure on him - i.e Europe - and he struggles.
KT - 6/10
Started well, looking his usual superhero self but seemed to fade as the game went on - did he
suffer a knock or two as the agricultural efforts of his plough-pulling opponents took effect?
But like any real Celtic hero he was still standing for the count at the death. So the 96 min
will toughen him up again and the joy will ease the pain.
LUSTIG - 7/10
What's that? He's finished? Yes... Do you want someone to sit with you? Solid deputising from the
Swedish master of disguise. One week an international legend, then a divorced masonic copper
with an alcohol problem and a hunch about a Govan serial killer cult, and the next a Celtic legend
fitting in at centre-half in the most crucial game of the EIGHT season. Solid. Experienced.
Vital to the cause.
AJER - 7/10 as Big Kris 8/10 as Arne Naess, Norwegian Philosopher
'I must deliver my theory of deep ecology to the suffering peasants of the Dundee ghettos,'
deliberated poor Kris as he sat on the pitch, senses knocked out of his heid, believing himself to
be giving a speech from "Interpretation and Preciseness" by Arne Naess, as the man himself.
Prior to Kenny Misser sconing the ball off his napper in a deliberate attempt to appease the screeching
Huns in the enclosure, the big lad had looked majestic, and a driving force behind first-half dominance.
Let's hope the Celtic bus remembers to collect him from the empty town hall where he currently stands
behind a podium trying to work out when his lecture begins.
BROON -8.5/10
This is your MOTM and I'll tell you why - when all was breaking down before him, HE stood tall, made
just about every tackle he had to an HE was the one responsible for the winner - Jamesy - again - lost
the ball at the edge of their box and the captain got the vital foot in to stop them breaking and shuffle
the ball back to Jamesy for the winning move. This EIGHT is Broon's title, and don't you forget it.
Imperious winner.
CALMAC - 6/10
Good return from injury. Tough gig. Probed them like many a Dundonian's tale of Saturday night in
the spacecraft after the tractor beam got them outside the pub. But Clamac's sharpness looked just
blunted slightly after his layoff.
Might be good for him to get some gametime and training in with Scotland to be on-point for the
Zombies.
FORREST - 5/10
The Flying Flasher of Old Prestwick Town scarcely worked up a semi as his day devolved into battering
down closed channels and ricocheting passes and shots off large monoliths of dark blue. Then... Jamesy
does what Jamesy does - lost the ball in a promising position to general groans, got it back from the
skipper and made a devastating 96th minute run to set up the glorious winner. 'What's that lolling in
your glass, sir?'
MIKEY J - 4/10
Nope, Lenny. Two starts in a row and the New-New Romantic is fast becoming and Emo teen. He's got
skill and guile but he's not ready to deploy against brutal, unforgiving hardmen. Escpecially not when
he's wearing cerise boots... A performance similar to the cursed 29th December 2018.
Get the bhoy into the gym for the summer - a la Christie - and we might have an impact player on
our hands.
SINCY - 7/10
Looks like one keen to prove himself to the new manager. Also our most-likely today, denied by their
keeper and classic Mibbery - hauled back by the collar for a STONEWALL penalty right in fornt of the
ex-Mordor Season Ticket holder who used to travel on the Salmon Leap Hun pub bus to every game
before his natural progression to top-flight anti-Tim agent.
Eventually, Dundee just crowded him out second half as we tired. But today he was at it, alright.
FRENCH EDDY (© Sandman, just to clarify, way back last season - Griffiths name for him: 'cos he's
French, and nearly got Eddy in his name')
- 4/10.. THEN...9 Million/10
Well, ye get whit ye pay for - as my old Granpa used to mutter as he stepped out of the brothel
looking miserable and somehow terrified.
And we paid 9 mill for the enigmatic Frenchman who will probably deliver the nine before he flits
just to bookend the narritive.
Frustrated all afternoon, then his mercurial movement finally created a sliver of space, and he capitalised.
And we celebrated. That's what he's there for, whiners.
SUBS:
HAYES - 7/10
Dundee suits him. Johnny can mingle down the quayside and assist in dragging bodies from the
Victorian slime. And today he revelled in his surroundings - a stadium that looks like a redneck hillbilly
baseball ground Kevin Costner romped around in Bull Durham.
Johnny was good, some great runs and crossing - take note, Jamesy - and a real fighting attitude -
obviously straight off the WW1 battlefields. A worthy winner and deserving of his jersey.
WEAH - N/A
On for too little time. But will we see more of him now? That pace and enthusiasm sets him above
others in the pecking-order, surely? Free library cards from him dad might be required to sway the
boss. But I'd like to see him unleashed against the Zombies with time to do damage.
BENNY KOVIC - N/A
Didn't really want the place today - too soon after his latest injury scare when shot in cross-fire with
Kojak and Starsky and Hutch during a friendly-hooker rescue. He managed, though, and hopefully
may feature towards the triple treble.
LENNY - 5/10
Or... Nah, he got lucky this time. Peculiar team selection for such an important game. Persisted with
Mikey J in the number ten role and got nowhere. Surely will know now that he has no need to alter
things too much.
However... let's note that Brendan Rodgers' Celtic sides have chucked a few games of this type during the
season. If there's one thing guaranteed with Lenny it's fighting spirit and never-say-die. This was his
sort of win, designed to be ground out, destined to be dramatic. Celebrated like the Celtic fan we know
he is.
We await his team to take on the upstart Zombies to see if he's learning amid the mayhem.
OVERALL - 6/10
We toiled. But we toiled not in vain. Dundee didn't bother with bus-parking - they lashed a couple of
their defensive carthorses to a disused oil tanker in the Tay - to the ire of Denis Hopper who had designs
on it for his next Waterworld base - and hauled it out, up onto their midden.
There were no 'lines' to play through because we faced a solid low block of ten every time we got
possession - which was 95% of the game. Madden knew exactly what he was doing when he refuseed the
pen - it would have opened them up. Sleekit, but ultimately karma stiffed him. He'll be hurting. Shame.
Eventually civilisation will catch up with Dundee and squads of united Nations Special Forces agents in
hazmat suits will raze it to the ground in an attempt to finally eradicate bubonic plague. But until then
we must suffer hazardous away trips like that.
The tempo from Celtic was good in the first-half but as soon as their keeper pulled off a tremendous save
from Sincy early second-half it seemed to deflate the psyche. It is to the team's great credit - and Broon a beacon of it - that the spirit resurged after flagging and we again pulled off the Hollywood finish.
When you make history, you don't remember the turgid details of grinding out certain wins - you
remember the ecstacy of the triumph. Today was one of those days - a champions performance of a
different kind, maybe not easy for the purist handwringers to take, but a champions performance
nonetheless.
A little bit of St.Paddy's Day Magic.
Sandman, here for the craic.
"You ask thees - why ees Alfredo Morelos so angry? Why ees Alfredo Morelos so beeter?
Why heez crazy antics?
Well, I tell you - when he was boy, his soccer team invited to Neverland to stay.
But thee Michael, he no interested in Alfie. He say, 'I geeve Jesus juice to all
you boys an' you stay in my room and we play whack-a-mole weeth my wang, but no heem,"
An' he point at Alfredo, an' say, 'Thee leetle deformed rodent mascot one - he no need
to show to me his ass. He like a capybara weeth constipation. You send heem home."
So there you know, you have thee reason; ees no wonder Alfie got bad attitude on
peetch - even Jackson no want to fock heem."
Alfredo Morelos' agent answering questions about his client's on-field behaviour.
"What did Dundee give to the world? Well, jute - whatever the fuck that is - incest, obviously,
plus chronic drug addiction and mildly-amusing comics - if you think the the Sunday Post is
cutting-edge political insight. And there was Grand Theft Auto, which is basically a gaming
documentary of life in Dundee, alien abduction, and famously three bridges; one of which fell
down and inspired both shite poetry and the Meatloaf song, 'Two Out Of Three Ain't Bad'."
'Britain's Most Historic Towns' Channel 4.
"Waaaaa, wwwwaaaaaa, boo-hoo-hooo-hooooo, thems got SIX minutes, we only goat FIVE!
Waaaaaa,waaaaa..."
Inconsolable HUNS everywhere.
"Haaa-hahahahahah, haaaaa-hahahahahaa... Moind the TEN point gap! Roight rewnd yees
orange bastids!"
St.Patrick
BANE - 8/10
Raised on the rocky wasteland of Santa Prisca, in the filth of the Pena Dura dungeon prison,
a visit to Dundee is like a vacation. And he swaggered about like a man enjoying himself - utterly
crucial one-on-one save on half-time to stop the sucker-punch, and commanded his area well under
pressure at numerous corners from their big beasts. Steal of the season.
TOEJAM - 5/10
Hmmm. 'He played in the Bundesliga.' Aye... Looks like I'll be partnering Hummels at centre-back for
Bayern next season, then. Crossing was generally poor-woeful as he roamed down the right.
Couldn't get any link-ups working either. I get the feeling he flatters to deceive and is a player most
comfortable in games that ebb and flow; too much of the ball when we dominate or too much
pressure on him - i.e Europe - and he struggles.
KT - 6/10
Started well, looking his usual superhero self but seemed to fade as the game went on - did he
suffer a knock or two as the agricultural efforts of his plough-pulling opponents took effect?
But like any real Celtic hero he was still standing for the count at the death. So the 96 min
will toughen him up again and the joy will ease the pain.
LUSTIG - 7/10
What's that? He's finished? Yes... Do you want someone to sit with you? Solid deputising from the
Swedish master of disguise. One week an international legend, then a divorced masonic copper
with an alcohol problem and a hunch about a Govan serial killer cult, and the next a Celtic legend
fitting in at centre-half in the most crucial game of the EIGHT season. Solid. Experienced.
Vital to the cause.
AJER - 7/10 as Big Kris 8/10 as Arne Naess, Norwegian Philosopher
'I must deliver my theory of deep ecology to the suffering peasants of the Dundee ghettos,'
deliberated poor Kris as he sat on the pitch, senses knocked out of his heid, believing himself to
be giving a speech from "Interpretation and Preciseness" by Arne Naess, as the man himself.
Prior to Kenny Misser sconing the ball off his napper in a deliberate attempt to appease the screeching
Huns in the enclosure, the big lad had looked majestic, and a driving force behind first-half dominance.
Let's hope the Celtic bus remembers to collect him from the empty town hall where he currently stands
behind a podium trying to work out when his lecture begins.
BROON -8.5/10
This is your MOTM and I'll tell you why - when all was breaking down before him, HE stood tall, made
just about every tackle he had to an HE was the one responsible for the winner - Jamesy - again - lost
the ball at the edge of their box and the captain got the vital foot in to stop them breaking and shuffle
the ball back to Jamesy for the winning move. This EIGHT is Broon's title, and don't you forget it.
Imperious winner.
CALMAC - 6/10
Good return from injury. Tough gig. Probed them like many a Dundonian's tale of Saturday night in
the spacecraft after the tractor beam got them outside the pub. But Clamac's sharpness looked just
blunted slightly after his layoff.
Might be good for him to get some gametime and training in with Scotland to be on-point for the
Zombies.
FORREST - 5/10
The Flying Flasher of Old Prestwick Town scarcely worked up a semi as his day devolved into battering
down closed channels and ricocheting passes and shots off large monoliths of dark blue. Then... Jamesy
does what Jamesy does - lost the ball in a promising position to general groans, got it back from the
skipper and made a devastating 96th minute run to set up the glorious winner. 'What's that lolling in
your glass, sir?'
MIKEY J - 4/10
Nope, Lenny. Two starts in a row and the New-New Romantic is fast becoming and Emo teen. He's got
skill and guile but he's not ready to deploy against brutal, unforgiving hardmen. Escpecially not when
he's wearing cerise boots... A performance similar to the cursed 29th December 2018.
Get the bhoy into the gym for the summer - a la Christie - and we might have an impact player on
our hands.
SINCY - 7/10
Looks like one keen to prove himself to the new manager. Also our most-likely today, denied by their
keeper and classic Mibbery - hauled back by the collar for a STONEWALL penalty right in fornt of the
ex-Mordor Season Ticket holder who used to travel on the Salmon Leap Hun pub bus to every game
before his natural progression to top-flight anti-Tim agent.
Eventually, Dundee just crowded him out second half as we tired. But today he was at it, alright.
FRENCH EDDY (© Sandman, just to clarify, way back last season - Griffiths name for him: 'cos he's
French, and nearly got Eddy in his name')
- 4/10.. THEN...9 Million/10
Well, ye get whit ye pay for - as my old Granpa used to mutter as he stepped out of the brothel
looking miserable and somehow terrified.
And we paid 9 mill for the enigmatic Frenchman who will probably deliver the nine before he flits
just to bookend the narritive.
Frustrated all afternoon, then his mercurial movement finally created a sliver of space, and he capitalised.
And we celebrated. That's what he's there for, whiners.
SUBS:
HAYES - 7/10
Dundee suits him. Johnny can mingle down the quayside and assist in dragging bodies from the
Victorian slime. And today he revelled in his surroundings - a stadium that looks like a redneck hillbilly
baseball ground Kevin Costner romped around in Bull Durham.
Johnny was good, some great runs and crossing - take note, Jamesy - and a real fighting attitude -
obviously straight off the WW1 battlefields. A worthy winner and deserving of his jersey.
WEAH - N/A
On for too little time. But will we see more of him now? That pace and enthusiasm sets him above
others in the pecking-order, surely? Free library cards from him dad might be required to sway the
boss. But I'd like to see him unleashed against the Zombies with time to do damage.
BENNY KOVIC - N/A
Didn't really want the place today - too soon after his latest injury scare when shot in cross-fire with
Kojak and Starsky and Hutch during a friendly-hooker rescue. He managed, though, and hopefully
may feature towards the triple treble.
LENNY - 5/10
Or... Nah, he got lucky this time. Peculiar team selection for such an important game. Persisted with
Mikey J in the number ten role and got nowhere. Surely will know now that he has no need to alter
things too much.
However... let's note that Brendan Rodgers' Celtic sides have chucked a few games of this type during the
season. If there's one thing guaranteed with Lenny it's fighting spirit and never-say-die. This was his
sort of win, designed to be ground out, destined to be dramatic. Celebrated like the Celtic fan we know
he is.
We await his team to take on the upstart Zombies to see if he's learning amid the mayhem.
OVERALL - 6/10
We toiled. But we toiled not in vain. Dundee didn't bother with bus-parking - they lashed a couple of
their defensive carthorses to a disused oil tanker in the Tay - to the ire of Denis Hopper who had designs
on it for his next Waterworld base - and hauled it out, up onto their midden.
There were no 'lines' to play through because we faced a solid low block of ten every time we got
possession - which was 95% of the game. Madden knew exactly what he was doing when he refuseed the
pen - it would have opened them up. Sleekit, but ultimately karma stiffed him. He'll be hurting. Shame.
Eventually civilisation will catch up with Dundee and squads of united Nations Special Forces agents in
hazmat suits will raze it to the ground in an attempt to finally eradicate bubonic plague. But until then
we must suffer hazardous away trips like that.
The tempo from Celtic was good in the first-half but as soon as their keeper pulled off a tremendous save
from Sincy early second-half it seemed to deflate the psyche. It is to the team's great credit - and Broon a beacon of it - that the spirit resurged after flagging and we again pulled off the Hollywood finish.
When you make history, you don't remember the turgid details of grinding out certain wins - you
remember the ecstacy of the triumph. Today was one of those days - a champions performance of a
different kind, maybe not easy for the purist handwringers to take, but a champions performance
nonetheless.
A little bit of St.Paddy's Day Magic.
Sandman, here for the craic.
