Sandman
Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ THE DRAGON CHASERS' DEN
"Okay Bhoys, it's Halloween. I know - let's go out today and
play like the Huns in diguise!"
- Brendan Rodgers pre-match team talk.
ROXIE - 6/10
A kick, a throw - or two - a bit of shouting and some
warming-up exercises to keep the chill out his old bones;
the summation of Joe's afternoon.
Goalkeeping? Yeah, right. To his credit he hung about
until the final whistle despite being as bored as the
rest of us.
GREGGS THE BAKER - 5.5/10
There's busy and then there's invisibly busy - a tactic
all the best fast food employees master. So it was with
Greggs as he scurried around not getting involved too
much, popped up for a yellow and to sclaff a few passes;
overall - a cold, out of date steak bake of a game.
WAYNE GRETZKY - N/A
Left quite concussed. As if he has some kind of foresight
and knew what those of us still in posession of our senses
would have to endure for another hour or so.
OF JUSTICE - 5.5/10
Curiously, him losing the plot for a few moments was a
signal of the collective malaise; when the one man who's
been the most focussed over the past two months, who's
position is most in jeopardy, starts flaking out on the
job, taking a card, losing his speedster man - who then
missed the cleanest chance of the game because he's one
of us and hates the Huns as much as you or I; thanks Boyley...
- well, when that happens you know smooth runnings might
be getting bumpy. So it was, for Liam and the rest too.
GET CARTER - 7/10 MOTM
When the house of cards looks like it's blowing over,
thankfully there's a rock in the foundations to stabilise
the day.
Kept his immense heid, won every challenge, distributed
efficiently. The one bhoy who clocked in for a shift and
earned his big bucks.
CALMAC - 5.5/10
Wherefore art thou, captain? So much in need of his
matchwinning orchestration, the forlorn orchestra never
got out more than bum notes and discordant cacophany.
Not that he wasn't scampering around, prompting; just
that there was no creative freshness or zest about his
efforts.
THE BUILDER - 6.5/10
Matty's frustration is our frustration. Evident in his
handsomeness, disaffected irritation that nothing he
tried came off, nor would the ball run for him out of
sheer good fortune. But he always looked the bhoy most
likely.
SAINT BERNARD - 5/10
The gametime, the legs, the effectiveness... Looked
useful from the start, spanked in a quickfire shot that
deserved better, got around with presence. But lack of
match-sharpness showed beyond half an hour and he
faded.
LORD KATSUMOTO - 6/10
Daizen, all speed and improved goal threat - especially
at junkietown where he scored a cracker last season.
Thwarted by a world-class Marsh stop today, he still
appeared to be a useful late weapon when they tired.
But after going off to fix a contact lens he was subbed
seconds after coming back on; didn't see that coming,
did he...
KILLER MUSHROOM - 5/10
No service, no Kyogo, no party. When struggling, somebody
should prioritise playing the ball in the general direction of
our deadliest striker since Henrik - there's a fucking idea
to take forward.
BRIAN DE - 6/10
File with Matty - saw a lot of the ball, yet nothing came
off. Cut a perplexed figure as he tried to cultivate some
winning formula from a mixed bag of chemicals in which the
nitric acid and glycerine turned out to be lemon juice and
hair gel; we got a damp squib.
SUBS -
OH BHOY - N/A
No, Bhoy. Enjoyed levels of service marginally above Kyogo's
experience; the same you'd get walking into the Savoy in London
and snapping your fingers, "Hey, you - pint 'o Stella fucking now".
EDDIE TURNBULL - N/A
Ah, trotting on at Easter Road; just like the old days.
Which may explain why he was more use to Hibs and kept
wandering around aimlessly, asking where the other four
of the famous five were.
JAMESY - 6.5/10
Jamesy gets wood in Edinburgh. Not for the first time,
and definitely not the last - but this one nearly
brought the house down; side-foot cushioned volley
perfectly executed apart from the crashing off the
bar bit.
Even then, he wasn't finished with his attempted
ravishing and almost won it at the death with an
intense burst through, finishing a move he started.
Did more in his cameo than the rest of the attacking
unit had managed all day.
TONY THE TIGER - 5.5/10
Solid, snarling, biting, thumping; did everything
Tony does reliably best bar scoring the winner.
MIKEY J - 5/10
Who? WTF? Retro-substitution time as the ghost of
Halloween past enters left-wing. I've played as many
minutes in the Hoops this season than Mikey before
today, and I'd probably have been as effective a sub.
The old sand-dancing irritations resurfaced in those
vital moments when you thought he'd carved out something.
Alas no Rebooted Mikey, just more of the Mikey that
leaves you teeth-grinding in angst and exclaiming,
"Goodness me, fellow - just do the straightforward thing,
my boy..." Or something less polite along those lines.
THE SHNAKE - 5/10
"Ah-ha, I know - they'll think I'm going to speed
things up and enhance our pace to burn them out
last fifteen.
Yes, that's what they THINK I'll do... What I'll
actually tactical-genius-with-a-Gucci-belt do is
sub OFF the pace and sharpness and SLOW it all down
even more - that'll fuck 'em up..."
Yeah...
MIBBERY - 5/10
Grinning, skulking, surprised - all the Muir
emotions today. Threw out a few Tim yellows as
per quota requirements, but walked off pleasantly
surprised at how little he had to do to prevent
us taking max points.
OVERALL - 5/10
'It's just like Killie - but with grass!'
- The best advertising line for the DVD of that
shitshow.
Just when you thought it was safe to go back into
the water... Once more we get bitten by the Hibees
when least expecting it.
Not the first time we've seen a slip-up here;
it was almost compulsory over the years. After
humiliating their families, ancestors and generations
to come by getting reamed through in Mordor last week
by the worst club in CL history, it was no surprise
they'd be out today better organised and focussed to
take on a proper big team.
What was a surprise was the turgid, dire, aimless
football we served up for them to deal with. Hungover
from Wednesday, the Bhoys evidently had blown a gasket
dealing with Madrid's indie-label side and not recovered
sufficiently to raise the verve and enthusiasm to carve
up the spoon-burners.
We waited, and waited, and they went side-to-side, and
back, and repeat...
What Tonio Iawatta has to do to get back on the park
is a mystery - was a stick-on for him to appear late,
let Calmac push forward with Matty. Nope, on trundled
Eddie T and everyone though Brendan was indulging in
an early trick-or-treat gag.
You can't win 'em all, but it would be nice to see
the majority trying - at least Jamesy showed the way
and made us wish he'd been introduced a bit earlier;
not something the fathers of many daughters might say
but at least for today he might've been the ideal
cherry-popper to rob the Hibs goal of its innocence.
Not to be. No zip, no tempo of the usual Celtic-rythmic
jungle throb to unsettle then rip-up the oppposition.
We were blunt, edgeless and tedious.
Got to give the Bhoys one after some scintillating shows,
but need to make sure it's just the one as the games
come thick and fast, and critical to the season's wellbeing.
Go Away Now
Sandman
"Okay Bhoys, it's Halloween. I know - let's go out today and
play like the Huns in diguise!"
- Brendan Rodgers pre-match team talk.
ROXIE - 6/10
A kick, a throw - or two - a bit of shouting and some
warming-up exercises to keep the chill out his old bones;
the summation of Joe's afternoon.
Goalkeeping? Yeah, right. To his credit he hung about
until the final whistle despite being as bored as the
rest of us.
GREGGS THE BAKER - 5.5/10
There's busy and then there's invisibly busy - a tactic
all the best fast food employees master. So it was with
Greggs as he scurried around not getting involved too
much, popped up for a yellow and to sclaff a few passes;
overall - a cold, out of date steak bake of a game.
WAYNE GRETZKY - N/A
Left quite concussed. As if he has some kind of foresight
and knew what those of us still in posession of our senses
would have to endure for another hour or so.
OF JUSTICE - 5.5/10
Curiously, him losing the plot for a few moments was a
signal of the collective malaise; when the one man who's
been the most focussed over the past two months, who's
position is most in jeopardy, starts flaking out on the
job, taking a card, losing his speedster man - who then
missed the cleanest chance of the game because he's one
of us and hates the Huns as much as you or I; thanks Boyley...
- well, when that happens you know smooth runnings might
be getting bumpy. So it was, for Liam and the rest too.
GET CARTER - 7/10 MOTM
When the house of cards looks like it's blowing over,
thankfully there's a rock in the foundations to stabilise
the day.
Kept his immense heid, won every challenge, distributed
efficiently. The one bhoy who clocked in for a shift and
earned his big bucks.
CALMAC - 5.5/10
Wherefore art thou, captain? So much in need of his
matchwinning orchestration, the forlorn orchestra never
got out more than bum notes and discordant cacophany.
Not that he wasn't scampering around, prompting; just
that there was no creative freshness or zest about his
efforts.
THE BUILDER - 6.5/10
Matty's frustration is our frustration. Evident in his
handsomeness, disaffected irritation that nothing he
tried came off, nor would the ball run for him out of
sheer good fortune. But he always looked the bhoy most
likely.
SAINT BERNARD - 5/10
The gametime, the legs, the effectiveness... Looked
useful from the start, spanked in a quickfire shot that
deserved better, got around with presence. But lack of
match-sharpness showed beyond half an hour and he
faded.
LORD KATSUMOTO - 6/10
Daizen, all speed and improved goal threat - especially
at junkietown where he scored a cracker last season.
Thwarted by a world-class Marsh stop today, he still
appeared to be a useful late weapon when they tired.
But after going off to fix a contact lens he was subbed
seconds after coming back on; didn't see that coming,
did he...
KILLER MUSHROOM - 5/10
No service, no Kyogo, no party. When struggling, somebody
should prioritise playing the ball in the general direction of
our deadliest striker since Henrik - there's a fucking idea
to take forward.
BRIAN DE - 6/10
File with Matty - saw a lot of the ball, yet nothing came
off. Cut a perplexed figure as he tried to cultivate some
winning formula from a mixed bag of chemicals in which the
nitric acid and glycerine turned out to be lemon juice and
hair gel; we got a damp squib.
SUBS -
OH BHOY - N/A
No, Bhoy. Enjoyed levels of service marginally above Kyogo's
experience; the same you'd get walking into the Savoy in London
and snapping your fingers, "Hey, you - pint 'o Stella fucking now".
EDDIE TURNBULL - N/A
Ah, trotting on at Easter Road; just like the old days.
Which may explain why he was more use to Hibs and kept
wandering around aimlessly, asking where the other four
of the famous five were.
JAMESY - 6.5/10
Jamesy gets wood in Edinburgh. Not for the first time,
and definitely not the last - but this one nearly
brought the house down; side-foot cushioned volley
perfectly executed apart from the crashing off the
bar bit.
Even then, he wasn't finished with his attempted
ravishing and almost won it at the death with an
intense burst through, finishing a move he started.
Did more in his cameo than the rest of the attacking
unit had managed all day.
TONY THE TIGER - 5.5/10
Solid, snarling, biting, thumping; did everything
Tony does reliably best bar scoring the winner.
MIKEY J - 5/10
Who? WTF? Retro-substitution time as the ghost of
Halloween past enters left-wing. I've played as many
minutes in the Hoops this season than Mikey before
today, and I'd probably have been as effective a sub.
The old sand-dancing irritations resurfaced in those
vital moments when you thought he'd carved out something.
Alas no Rebooted Mikey, just more of the Mikey that
leaves you teeth-grinding in angst and exclaiming,
"Goodness me, fellow - just do the straightforward thing,
my boy..." Or something less polite along those lines.
THE SHNAKE - 5/10
"Ah-ha, I know - they'll think I'm going to speed
things up and enhance our pace to burn them out
last fifteen.
Yes, that's what they THINK I'll do... What I'll
actually tactical-genius-with-a-Gucci-belt do is
sub OFF the pace and sharpness and SLOW it all down
even more - that'll fuck 'em up..."
Yeah...
MIBBERY - 5/10
Grinning, skulking, surprised - all the Muir
emotions today. Threw out a few Tim yellows as
per quota requirements, but walked off pleasantly
surprised at how little he had to do to prevent
us taking max points.
OVERALL - 5/10
'It's just like Killie - but with grass!'
- The best advertising line for the DVD of that
shitshow.
Just when you thought it was safe to go back into
the water... Once more we get bitten by the Hibees
when least expecting it.
Not the first time we've seen a slip-up here;
it was almost compulsory over the years. After
humiliating their families, ancestors and generations
to come by getting reamed through in Mordor last week
by the worst club in CL history, it was no surprise
they'd be out today better organised and focussed to
take on a proper big team.
What was a surprise was the turgid, dire, aimless
football we served up for them to deal with. Hungover
from Wednesday, the Bhoys evidently had blown a gasket
dealing with Madrid's indie-label side and not recovered
sufficiently to raise the verve and enthusiasm to carve
up the spoon-burners.
We waited, and waited, and they went side-to-side, and
back, and repeat...
What Tonio Iawatta has to do to get back on the park
is a mystery - was a stick-on for him to appear late,
let Calmac push forward with Matty. Nope, on trundled
Eddie T and everyone though Brendan was indulging in
an early trick-or-treat gag.
You can't win 'em all, but it would be nice to see
the majority trying - at least Jamesy showed the way
and made us wish he'd been introduced a bit earlier;
not something the fathers of many daughters might say
but at least for today he might've been the ideal
cherry-popper to rob the Hibs goal of its innocence.
Not to be. No zip, no tempo of the usual Celtic-rythmic
jungle throb to unsettle then rip-up the oppposition.
We were blunt, edgeless and tedious.
Got to give the Bhoys one after some scintillating shows,
but need to make sure it's just the one as the games
come thick and fast, and critical to the season's wellbeing.
Go Away Now
Sandman
