Sandman
Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v BAPHOMETS' BASTARDS
"In the Rangers International Reincarnation FC dressing room hangs
a portrait of King Charles, through the eyes of which - unbeknown
to the players - is a live link via webcam to Royal residences.
It has long been a favoured pastime of Prince Edward to relieve
himself - or sometimes with a cheeky helping hand from brother Andrew
- of the stress of day-to-day luxury at peasant expense by observing
the fleshy shenanigans of the changing places featuring his Royal Blue
heroes. A particular favourite is new inbred oddity, MacCausland, to
whom his royal Highness refers coyly to with a longing sigh as
'Rinky-Dinky'."
- From BBC's 'Secret Lives Of The Royals" New Year special.
ROXIE - 7.5/10
Big Joe! You know - the tasteless flavour of the month(s) with
his vocal detractors. And up he comes with the class when you
need it most - brilliant low stop to his right to deny them at
a crucial point; and a doorstop boot to keep them out soon after.
No chance with the Tavpen zipper; probably delighted to even get
a paw on it, seeing as he's 'past it'
Once again in his Celtic time, big game, big mhan behind the wire
holds the barricades...
GREGGS THE BAKER - 7.5/10
Inverse brah! Inverse Greggsy provides a scintillating performance
to terrify the Huns into Angeball PTSD with his internal rampaging
(sit doon, Jamesy...).
Terrific all-energy, uber-committed shift, also finding his feet
and touch in perfect harmony.
WAYNE GRETZKY - 3/10
FFS, AJ, the fuck?... Trapped in a recurring nightmare where he
is hauled back from the brink of a cliff just before he tumbles.
About gifted them every chance they got, nearly a penalty for some
netball offence - saved by an offside - and forever out of sorts.
Had 'one of those games' that we were fortunate didn't spread
contagion throughout the team.
OF JUSTICE - 7/10
Comfortable, assured, smiling - bookended his Lazarus Celtic
revival from Mordor to Paradise with another suave and
accomplished defensive display. From the moment he thundered
into a challenge Jungle-side, he looked more tuned in than
Keith Richards playing Sympathy For The Devil in the middle
of a marajuana plantation. A Gaelic Ginger Genie.
RAQUEL - 6/10
Goddamn, we should have known - too pretty for this fixture;
wounded shoulder as galloping Hun tried to rip her bra off
after AJ sold the jerseys.To that point, had synched-up
splendidly with Liam. Let's hope the injury jinx gets laid
to rest.
SAINT BERNARDO - 7.5/10
Ah, yep, that bhoy I reckoned had more, starts to deliver
in spades. Step forward another Portuguese Hunskelper.
Foot like a traction engine. Slashed that one like
Jason Voorhees in a teenage summer camp, cut through the Huns
as if it were a SAM missile with their name on it ('Death from
Below, Cunts'). Glorious. So glorious, in fact he got booked
for it. What. An. Surprise...
Any doubts this swarthy Portugues youngster had the mettle
for a Glasgow derby were obliterated as he rampaged around
cracking zombie skulls and ankles. Bhoy looks like he's got
quality and competitiveness in equal balance; intriguing
prospect.
CALMAC - 8.5/10 MOTM
The Boss. The fucking Boss. The Fairy Princess, The Grunter
and whatever the fuck that scampering thing was hanging on
their right-mid that had escaped Jim Henson's workshop;
Calmac taught them all a lesson in class and game-management.
Sublime movement around the midfield vortex, picking passes,
picking them off, setting the pace. Only faded in latter stages
and that was due to injuries around him and questionable sub
performances that left him under pressure.
All-in, magnificent.
THE BUILDER - 7/10
Jesus wept - it's no coincidence they went after our handsomest
players. Now Matty will spend the winter break avoiding Michael
Jackson's plastic surgeon. The Mean Girls decided to rough up
our pretty ones in the hope they'd lose confidence; but the Hoops
are beautiful inside and out and The Builder stepped right into
the fray despite the rearrangement of his noble features to do
what he does best - build.
Provided the skillful foil to his Portuguese twin's spadework,
causing palpitations around their box, backing up his skipper,
keeping his lively feet a step ahead. But for them throwing on
a grizzled fatboy to give him another smack on the beak he'd have
put us comprehensively in charge.
BRIAN DE - 5.5/10
Not what we thought - expected a lot more of the classy director
but despite some enlivening opening scenes this afternoon's drama
turned into a stop-start series of promising story threads that
came to nothing. The real spectacle we provided by others...
KILLER MUSHROOM - 8/10
Oooft. A skelper of Huns you are, Shimin San. Take, turn, jink,
swish! - whipping across Buttman's smelly fingers into the rigging.
I said his Larsson-almost-esque miss at Dundee was a thing of
near-beauty that wouldn't incurr negative inhibitions, and lo and
behold if it wasn't a catalyst for him to emulate Lubo.
The movement and the edge; a level above the class of defender
they can rustle up from the fields of the damned. And just for
historical sentiment that goal deserved to be a matchwinner.
LORD KATSUMOTO - 6/10
Doh! It's Daizen. Drawing a red, making us see red with
classic Daizen deliveries.
In fairness today, the malfunctioning, misfiring AJ behind
him must have had Daizen bewildered; he was frowning about
like that bit in the movie where you don't know if Godzilla's
the goodie or the baddie, what with the guy in the moose suit
at right-back playing exactly like that - a moose.
Continued...
"In the Rangers International Reincarnation FC dressing room hangs
a portrait of King Charles, through the eyes of which - unbeknown
to the players - is a live link via webcam to Royal residences.
It has long been a favoured pastime of Prince Edward to relieve
himself - or sometimes with a cheeky helping hand from brother Andrew
- of the stress of day-to-day luxury at peasant expense by observing
the fleshy shenanigans of the changing places featuring his Royal Blue
heroes. A particular favourite is new inbred oddity, MacCausland, to
whom his royal Highness refers coyly to with a longing sigh as
'Rinky-Dinky'."
- From BBC's 'Secret Lives Of The Royals" New Year special.
ROXIE - 7.5/10
Big Joe! You know - the tasteless flavour of the month(s) with
his vocal detractors. And up he comes with the class when you
need it most - brilliant low stop to his right to deny them at
a crucial point; and a doorstop boot to keep them out soon after.
No chance with the Tavpen zipper; probably delighted to even get
a paw on it, seeing as he's 'past it'
Once again in his Celtic time, big game, big mhan behind the wire
holds the barricades...
GREGGS THE BAKER - 7.5/10
Inverse brah! Inverse Greggsy provides a scintillating performance
to terrify the Huns into Angeball PTSD with his internal rampaging
(sit doon, Jamesy...).
Terrific all-energy, uber-committed shift, also finding his feet
and touch in perfect harmony.
WAYNE GRETZKY - 3/10
FFS, AJ, the fuck?... Trapped in a recurring nightmare where he
is hauled back from the brink of a cliff just before he tumbles.
About gifted them every chance they got, nearly a penalty for some
netball offence - saved by an offside - and forever out of sorts.
Had 'one of those games' that we were fortunate didn't spread
contagion throughout the team.
OF JUSTICE - 7/10
Comfortable, assured, smiling - bookended his Lazarus Celtic
revival from Mordor to Paradise with another suave and
accomplished defensive display. From the moment he thundered
into a challenge Jungle-side, he looked more tuned in than
Keith Richards playing Sympathy For The Devil in the middle
of a marajuana plantation. A Gaelic Ginger Genie.
RAQUEL - 6/10
Goddamn, we should have known - too pretty for this fixture;
wounded shoulder as galloping Hun tried to rip her bra off
after AJ sold the jerseys.To that point, had synched-up
splendidly with Liam. Let's hope the injury jinx gets laid
to rest.
SAINT BERNARDO - 7.5/10
Ah, yep, that bhoy I reckoned had more, starts to deliver
in spades. Step forward another Portuguese Hunskelper.
Foot like a traction engine. Slashed that one like
Jason Voorhees in a teenage summer camp, cut through the Huns
as if it were a SAM missile with their name on it ('Death from
Below, Cunts'). Glorious. So glorious, in fact he got booked
for it. What. An. Surprise...
Any doubts this swarthy Portugues youngster had the mettle
for a Glasgow derby were obliterated as he rampaged around
cracking zombie skulls and ankles. Bhoy looks like he's got
quality and competitiveness in equal balance; intriguing
prospect.
CALMAC - 8.5/10 MOTM
The Boss. The fucking Boss. The Fairy Princess, The Grunter
and whatever the fuck that scampering thing was hanging on
their right-mid that had escaped Jim Henson's workshop;
Calmac taught them all a lesson in class and game-management.
Sublime movement around the midfield vortex, picking passes,
picking them off, setting the pace. Only faded in latter stages
and that was due to injuries around him and questionable sub
performances that left him under pressure.
All-in, magnificent.
THE BUILDER - 7/10
Jesus wept - it's no coincidence they went after our handsomest
players. Now Matty will spend the winter break avoiding Michael
Jackson's plastic surgeon. The Mean Girls decided to rough up
our pretty ones in the hope they'd lose confidence; but the Hoops
are beautiful inside and out and The Builder stepped right into
the fray despite the rearrangement of his noble features to do
what he does best - build.
Provided the skillful foil to his Portuguese twin's spadework,
causing palpitations around their box, backing up his skipper,
keeping his lively feet a step ahead. But for them throwing on
a grizzled fatboy to give him another smack on the beak he'd have
put us comprehensively in charge.
BRIAN DE - 5.5/10
Not what we thought - expected a lot more of the classy director
but despite some enlivening opening scenes this afternoon's drama
turned into a stop-start series of promising story threads that
came to nothing. The real spectacle we provided by others...
KILLER MUSHROOM - 8/10
Oooft. A skelper of Huns you are, Shimin San. Take, turn, jink,
swish! - whipping across Buttman's smelly fingers into the rigging.
I said his Larsson-almost-esque miss at Dundee was a thing of
near-beauty that wouldn't incurr negative inhibitions, and lo and
behold if it wasn't a catalyst for him to emulate Lubo.
The movement and the edge; a level above the class of defender
they can rustle up from the fields of the damned. And just for
historical sentiment that goal deserved to be a matchwinner.
LORD KATSUMOTO - 6/10
Doh! It's Daizen. Drawing a red, making us see red with
classic Daizen deliveries.
In fairness today, the malfunctioning, misfiring AJ behind
him must have had Daizen bewildered; he was frowning about
like that bit in the movie where you don't know if Godzilla's
the goodie or the baddie, what with the guy in the moose suit
at right-back playing exactly like that - a moose.
Continued...
