Sandman
Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v FEEGIE PARK STROLLERS
"Dear Meester Sevco company soccer team. We avait you in
Armenia vere ve 'ave many many expatriate loyal fighters
very keen to meet your quintesential Breetishness weeth
hugs and pesh-kabz. Yours, the Taliban."
Telegram from Yerevan to Mordor. Delivered by yak.
ROXIE - 6 (touches)/10
Seventeen changes of costume, four avant-garde
hairstyles premiered, learned three new opening
numbers and had a makeover. Quietest. Day. Ever.
TONY THE TIGER - 6.5/10
Frustratingly non-combative afternoon. Never
troubled, and mainly restricted due to wingers
ahead. Sought to get involved but hardly
required. Grrrr.
STAR LORD - 6/10
A space cruise. No calamities, just a day more to
bed in and experience the Celtic Park matchday
atmosphere. Could have helped out at the kiosks
if he'd really wanted to do something useful...
RAQUEL - 6.5/10
Most robust outing of the defence, due to visceral
presence of shaved albino mountain gorilla Curtis
Main. Raquel, fortunately experienced in the physical
attentions of prehistoric creatures, got some
manhandling practice in ahead of next Sunday's
trip back in time, where she'll encounter Dr.Moreau's
failed experiments.
GREGGS THE BAKER - 6.5/10
He's inverted a few pastries in his time, so this
inverted full-back business should come with little
difficulty. Level of opposition suited him - busy as
ever but ocassionally tried to be a cultured footballer
rather than stick to his primary task; that didn't
work out too great...
CALMAC - 6.5/10
Rest me! Rest me!... Is something you never hear from
the skipper. But thankfully Ange did hook him after an
hour or so.
Might have scored to add to his complete control of
the middle; sights were off today, though.
CORPUS CHRISTIE - 6/10
Unusually quiet from resurrected would-be Messiah,
considering the YouTube highlight opportunities
available.
Getting his touch back in, or preserving energy
for signing contracts? Here or where? Hmm...
Given the armband by departing Calmac as a souvenir.
Or a joke. Corpus looked as suitably confused as me.
EDDIE TURNBULL - 8/10 MOTM
A stroll around the garden to rival Major Tom from
our elderly gentleman. These are the games made for
him to win single-handed, and he did...With a little
help.
A hat-trick and a post rattled. Not to mention his
involvement in the incredible catalystic moment that
servile pinkie-sucker Gollum actually applied the
rules correctly in a Celtic game. In our favour!
Half the crowd passed out and missed old Eddie's
sizzler to kill them stone dead.
ABADASS - 7.5/10
The kid don't stop... He'll go at them time and
again until he burns out or gets results. The
latter today, including a neat header after giving
us the lead with a cross-shot that broke their
goalie's fingers before thundering into the rigging.
Well, not really; The most effette attempt at stopping
a shot since Versace took a bullet, but they all count...
FRENCH EDDY - 6.5/10
"Meh, thees weel be slapped een..." Eddy, fed up
with goalkeepers foiling his fun Wednesday and today,
channelling legendary French comedic satirist Jacques
Tati, caressed a late rebound with his forearm before
rilling it in off his studs with isousciance.
Might be the moment to get him hyped up. Did appear
pretty engaged early on while taking a free-kick but
eased off (of course) as we cruised. Will he stay and
play? Somebody tell us what's the score with the top
scorer?
MR.KOBAYASHI - 6/10
Don't do it! All decorative ornamental Samurai
swords in the dressing room area were hastily
stashed away near half-time as Koyogo did a Sebo
and we feared he'd resort to 'the honourable thing'.
We watched the tunnel with baited-breath through
half-time, tasteless pie somehow tasting even more
tasteless, awaiting the finality scream of Hari-Kari.
But, phew, Big Ange talked him out of it. Might have
felt like it later when foiled point-blank; their
keeper had been subbed half-time and replaced by Daniel
Day Lewis, foregoing use of hands and just repelling
us - Kyogo, Oz, Eddy... - with his Big Left Foot.
SUBS:
ROGIC - 6.5/10
Oz rebooted. Late cameo, impactful, as denied a cheeky
flip by 'My Left Bit' in nets, then delightful slip to
set up Eddie T's third.
MAN OF - 6/10
Appeared nifty and neat and taking no prisoners. Got a
laugh in at Gollum yellow carding him for not hitting
anyone.
THE YETI - 6/10
Definitely slimmer, less angry, and keener. Is this a new
thing, or are we biding time before shipping him back east
in a crate?
ANITA DOBSON - 7.5/10
Most attacking line-up seen on the entire British mainland
since the vikings arrived looking for blood and whores;
They were stopped at Paisley, by way of coincidence...
And we only got 20 minutes of Angeball before the contest
was practically ended by the opposition's self-inflicted
punishment; Completely shocking Koyogo.
So it all transpired that Ange got to witness a useful
training session before the big week ahead; Noice, mayte.
OVERALL - 7.5/10
So we keep up the August league average of 6-0 a game.
And if we are stil maintaining that after next Sunday
you can retrieve me from the opium den/brothel with
Noodles sometime mid-September.
May well have been 10 if not for the aforementioned
Daniel Day Lewis and his annoying big left boot
performing last-ditch wonders for them second-half.
The Miracle Of Gollum set the tone; our players for
once had some protection (expect that rebalanced next
Sunday lunchtime...) and just played them into submission.
What a sprightly, hungry, electric contrast from
January's turgid gubbing, eh Lennony?
On we go, into the coming storms, showing no fear,
wearing bemused and hopeful grins. A trip to Holland,
then a trip to a place with even more Orange bastards.
Two wins, universe! Do you hear us Odin?! These bhoys
will honour Valhalla! In fact, a midweek draw, then
dishing out a sound thrashing next weekend will do me...
Go Away Now.
Sandman.
"Dear Meester Sevco company soccer team. We avait you in
Armenia vere ve 'ave many many expatriate loyal fighters
very keen to meet your quintesential Breetishness weeth
hugs and pesh-kabz. Yours, the Taliban."
Telegram from Yerevan to Mordor. Delivered by yak.
ROXIE - 6 (touches)/10
Seventeen changes of costume, four avant-garde
hairstyles premiered, learned three new opening
numbers and had a makeover. Quietest. Day. Ever.
TONY THE TIGER - 6.5/10
Frustratingly non-combative afternoon. Never
troubled, and mainly restricted due to wingers
ahead. Sought to get involved but hardly
required. Grrrr.
STAR LORD - 6/10
A space cruise. No calamities, just a day more to
bed in and experience the Celtic Park matchday
atmosphere. Could have helped out at the kiosks
if he'd really wanted to do something useful...
RAQUEL - 6.5/10
Most robust outing of the defence, due to visceral
presence of shaved albino mountain gorilla Curtis
Main. Raquel, fortunately experienced in the physical
attentions of prehistoric creatures, got some
manhandling practice in ahead of next Sunday's
trip back in time, where she'll encounter Dr.Moreau's
failed experiments.
GREGGS THE BAKER - 6.5/10
He's inverted a few pastries in his time, so this
inverted full-back business should come with little
difficulty. Level of opposition suited him - busy as
ever but ocassionally tried to be a cultured footballer
rather than stick to his primary task; that didn't
work out too great...
CALMAC - 6.5/10
Rest me! Rest me!... Is something you never hear from
the skipper. But thankfully Ange did hook him after an
hour or so.
Might have scored to add to his complete control of
the middle; sights were off today, though.
CORPUS CHRISTIE - 6/10
Unusually quiet from resurrected would-be Messiah,
considering the YouTube highlight opportunities
available.
Getting his touch back in, or preserving energy
for signing contracts? Here or where? Hmm...
Given the armband by departing Calmac as a souvenir.
Or a joke. Corpus looked as suitably confused as me.
EDDIE TURNBULL - 8/10 MOTM
A stroll around the garden to rival Major Tom from
our elderly gentleman. These are the games made for
him to win single-handed, and he did...With a little
help.
A hat-trick and a post rattled. Not to mention his
involvement in the incredible catalystic moment that
servile pinkie-sucker Gollum actually applied the
rules correctly in a Celtic game. In our favour!
Half the crowd passed out and missed old Eddie's
sizzler to kill them stone dead.
ABADASS - 7.5/10
The kid don't stop... He'll go at them time and
again until he burns out or gets results. The
latter today, including a neat header after giving
us the lead with a cross-shot that broke their
goalie's fingers before thundering into the rigging.
Well, not really; The most effette attempt at stopping
a shot since Versace took a bullet, but they all count...
FRENCH EDDY - 6.5/10
"Meh, thees weel be slapped een..." Eddy, fed up
with goalkeepers foiling his fun Wednesday and today,
channelling legendary French comedic satirist Jacques
Tati, caressed a late rebound with his forearm before
rilling it in off his studs with isousciance.
Might be the moment to get him hyped up. Did appear
pretty engaged early on while taking a free-kick but
eased off (of course) as we cruised. Will he stay and
play? Somebody tell us what's the score with the top
scorer?
MR.KOBAYASHI - 6/10
Don't do it! All decorative ornamental Samurai
swords in the dressing room area were hastily
stashed away near half-time as Koyogo did a Sebo
and we feared he'd resort to 'the honourable thing'.
We watched the tunnel with baited-breath through
half-time, tasteless pie somehow tasting even more
tasteless, awaiting the finality scream of Hari-Kari.
But, phew, Big Ange talked him out of it. Might have
felt like it later when foiled point-blank; their
keeper had been subbed half-time and replaced by Daniel
Day Lewis, foregoing use of hands and just repelling
us - Kyogo, Oz, Eddy... - with his Big Left Foot.
SUBS:
ROGIC - 6.5/10
Oz rebooted. Late cameo, impactful, as denied a cheeky
flip by 'My Left Bit' in nets, then delightful slip to
set up Eddie T's third.
MAN OF - 6/10
Appeared nifty and neat and taking no prisoners. Got a
laugh in at Gollum yellow carding him for not hitting
anyone.
THE YETI - 6/10
Definitely slimmer, less angry, and keener. Is this a new
thing, or are we biding time before shipping him back east
in a crate?
ANITA DOBSON - 7.5/10
Most attacking line-up seen on the entire British mainland
since the vikings arrived looking for blood and whores;
They were stopped at Paisley, by way of coincidence...
And we only got 20 minutes of Angeball before the contest
was practically ended by the opposition's self-inflicted
punishment; Completely shocking Koyogo.
So it all transpired that Ange got to witness a useful
training session before the big week ahead; Noice, mayte.
OVERALL - 7.5/10
So we keep up the August league average of 6-0 a game.
And if we are stil maintaining that after next Sunday
you can retrieve me from the opium den/brothel with
Noodles sometime mid-September.
May well have been 10 if not for the aforementioned
Daniel Day Lewis and his annoying big left boot
performing last-ditch wonders for them second-half.
The Miracle Of Gollum set the tone; our players for
once had some protection (expect that rebalanced next
Sunday lunchtime...) and just played them into submission.
What a sprightly, hungry, electric contrast from
January's turgid gubbing, eh Lennony?
On we go, into the coming storms, showing no fear,
wearing bemused and hopeful grins. A trip to Holland,
then a trip to a place with even more Orange bastards.
Two wins, universe! Do you hear us Odin?! These bhoys
will honour Valhalla! In fact, a midweek draw, then
dishing out a sound thrashing next weekend will do me...
Go Away Now.
Sandman.
Last edited:
Slàinte
