Sandman
Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v HUNDEE
"As our cinema chains re-open everywhere, don't miss the
new Pixar dark comedy about a 'family' of mutants whose
superpowers of goat-pumping influence desert them at a
crucial moment as they are raped by Arabs. From Saturday
7th August in our showcase cinemas everywhere -
'The Vincibles'."
- Odeon advert.
Tell us how many the Bhoys notched, Joker...
ROXIE HART - 6/10
The experience she waited in a jail cell for - Paradise
found, and how she skipped into the goalmouth with a
dazzling grin for her new fans. Not sure about the
frock, but the girl knows how to command a stage.
If only there had been a real save to make to enter
with a flourish. Must have enjoyed watching on with the
other 25K.
GREGGS THE BAKER - 5/10
Like an overcooked steakbake, the one who makes everyone
curse, spit and scowl. Competent but struggling even
under little pressure - may be a confidence thing; not
making any telling difference and every involvement right
now appears troublesome. Hmm, and it's supposedly new
right-backs we're tracking...
TONY THE TIGER - 7.5/10
Got lost in north Bohemia Thursday afternoon, and lucky
he wan't hunted; Lucky it wasn't Feegie, that is -
Tiger stew's still a delicacy there...
But his reprieve from our Kangaroo-wrangling boss was
heeded. This was a refined Tony The Tiger, not a foot
wrong, showing surprising guile, and again pulling out
a classic goal - something from Dutch World Cup
archives this time.
Took a red-card sore-one from ex-Celtic goalkeeper
Gordon Marshall - now filling-in at left back for
Hundee, inexplicably - and got back up to turn in a
fine game. A worthy jersey today.
STARLORD - 6/10
More comfortable, less involved. Got to grips with
early Hundee cheek and settled into an afternoon of
good reading of play and careful passing.
Got hit late on by alien sneak attack, phaser set
to stun him after he'd dozed off on a through ball -
happened on Thursday too, but this time he had just
enough awareness to recover.
RAQUEL - 6/10
Back in for the glamour. She reponded well to
absence and didn't shirk the opening physical
tussles; plenty of Dundonians excited to get a
grip of her.
Shut down their forwards well, even contending
with the late intimidating addition of slavering,
over-inked, ex-Hun-Hibee porn-rapist, 'Cumbucket' who
ran on like a sleazy extra from a 70s John Holmes
movie and contributed precisely the sum of his
brain cells; fuck all.
CALMAC - 7/10
Shuffled back into Ron Burgundy role due to resting
of the Man Of Soro. Calmac makes that anchorman
position look a breeze, holding off the Hundee
midfield overload and picking the passes through
their lines for creatives ahead to explode on their
backline.
Easily dismissed the disturbing and harassing
attentions of former Zombie Entity disgrace,
Charlie Adams, who was rumoured to be wearing
suspiciously skimpy underwear and appeared to
be suffering some form of reverse-Benjamin Button
condition.
EDDIE TURNBULL - 6.5/10
The space and time he needs was afforded to him
today. Those geriatric legs finally got working
properly around the half hour mark and the zimmer
was cast pitchside for lovely Connie McLaughlin
to lean on as she looked like she'd had a hard
night. She would round at my place, etc, etc...
We sleep on the floor, kids.
Once Eddie T got his eye in there were sumptuous
balls over and through to admire. We just need him
to conjure such skills of his own accord in tight
games and not lag like a Celtic TV stream while his
teammates labour to get the game under control.
CORPUS CHRISTIE - 8.4/10
Well, well, well. Not getting the MOTM from me
because I can't tell if the skiving cunt is playing
for a move or a new contract...
But he was scintillating at times, bursting them
open with dynamic turns of skill, almost unplayable
when running amok. Put pen to paper, take more money
than yer're deserving of and give us another 34
performances like that to make up for last season's
disappearing tantrums, Corpus, and maybe we'll be
believers in the Cult of Christie again.
OZ - 7/10
Mayte, stroked it in like he was slooshing suncream
across the bubble-ass of a Bondi Beach babe, and not
hoofing about in monsoon Glasgow.
Interesting role for Big Oz - foremost midfielder
asked to support high press with Mr.Kobayashi.
Runs him down after a customary hour, but do we get
more out of his 60-minute contribution because of
said role? Time will tell...
ABADASS - 7/10
"I'm runnin' at them, I'm runnin' at them, I'm runnin'
at them, I'm runnin..."
And so goes the only thought "runnin'" through his
heid every time he gets the ball. And when it comes off,
he's got great impact - tremendous ball for our opener,
incessant pain in the arse for their full-back.
Another good one, kid.
Mr. KOBAYASHI - 8.5/10 MOTM
I know many of the white supremacist Rule Britannia
degenerates peruse these ramblings, so a quick note for
the one of you who can barely read to translate to the
others in the Monkey House: The Divine Wind is coming
for you, Huns.
You'll be able to roll out all the lacist stereotyping
we expect on the 29th, but I'm thinking the last laugh
will be the sinking of your HMS Farked Loyal by our
screaming Kamikaze.
Here's a player with the most exciting forward movement
since the King Of Kings. His first goal is a carbon copy
(that's an old paper-imprint reproduction analogy, digital
kids...) of the King's cross-defender sweep and if I could
be arsed I'd find the goal clip to show you (v Aberdeen
sometime, maybe?).
But I can't, and some coke-wired fanatic on Twitter's
probably beaten me to it, anyway; so watch them side-by-side
and salivate at the thought of what's to come with this
nascent superstar known to Griff as Japanese Eddy, and to
one mindfucked pub admirer as resembling "a Japanese Naka..."
I kid you not; that's the company you keep in the pursuit
of watching a Celtic revival.
This new Eastern bhoy has excited the place, and the reception
he got for MOTM stadium annoncement was heartwarming. i.e
we fucking love him already. Even though he was sat there
trembling as the typhoon rains hit, expecting Godzilla to
loom over the North Curve with the storm any second.
SUBS:
FRENCH EDDY - 6/10
"Ey, theese ees my ball, you leetle noo-ee-sance..."
...Went the converstion as Eddy glowered down at Abadass
nibbling his ankles for a shot at the penalty.
It was never happening, and French Eddy signed off at
Paradise (well, maybe...) with a strike as ice cool as
Connie McLaughlin will be when she eventually meets
me and I whisper in her ear about the experimental
bake-off inspired ideas I have invloving garnishing
her, erm, 'hot pie'... Apple, probably, for the
youngsters reading: I'm going to make one for her.
JAMESY - N/A
This is no weather for getting the boaby oot! So
Jamesy was disappointed on his return to Parkheid
and remained quietly tucked for another, drier,
day.
FIELD MARSHALL - N/A
A blooding in front of a reasonable crowd for the
boy. Also, luckily, did not drown.
ANITA DOBSON - 8/10
Pleasantly surprised to find out he was up against
Jakey Dundee and not Crocodile Dundee. Did well
to conceal the big hunting knife he'd brought, just
in case.
Then put it to good use as his changed side cut them
to ribbons. Job done quick-time. Billycan-warming
implementation of his tactical requests mean he'll
have a list of players whom he can trust to deploy,
and a shortlist of those he needs to strengthen his
system.
So far, so chin-strokingly good for the Big
Aussie-Athenian Fenian...
OVERALL - 8/10
So the questionably imperialist-sympathising mob
from the shitty end of Tannadice Street roll into
Paradise for the first time in a few years to lower
the aesthetic and moral standards.
The skies opened above many in Scotland yesterday,
so too at Tannadice Stadium but no rain fell, just
divine justice after a long, long period of surreal
and inexplicable witchcraft.
Won't the humbled 'Champions'be looking forward to
struggling in front a reprobate-full, growling Hun
Hoose in the weeks to come... Over to you, captain
Chav. Prrrrressure....
Meanwhile, Celtic continue with the rebuild momentum.
After a scrappy start the re-jigged side seemed to
fall back into a set framework, a methodology they
could default to and then feel their way into the
game. The sort of thing good, intense, focussed
coaching instills. Fancy that, Lennony, eh?
Once we got going, that was that. A refreshing,
persistent tempo dished out a sound thrashing.
This used to happen all the time, I recall vaguely,
back before the apocalypse and the pathetic surrender
of the TEN.
Maybe out of the ruins of the old world, we'll see
the founding of a new. Carrying Celtic attacking
traditions, but with replenished energy reserves
and a hunger for the thrills of victory.
Early days, but there's a nice air of excitement
growing, and soon the vast armies of the Freefolk
will return in full force to add a thunder to the
gathering storm.
Go Away Now
Sandman
"As our cinema chains re-open everywhere, don't miss the
new Pixar dark comedy about a 'family' of mutants whose
superpowers of goat-pumping influence desert them at a
crucial moment as they are raped by Arabs. From Saturday
7th August in our showcase cinemas everywhere -
'The Vincibles'."
- Odeon advert.
Tell us how many the Bhoys notched, Joker...
ROXIE HART - 6/10
The experience she waited in a jail cell for - Paradise
found, and how she skipped into the goalmouth with a
dazzling grin for her new fans. Not sure about the
frock, but the girl knows how to command a stage.
If only there had been a real save to make to enter
with a flourish. Must have enjoyed watching on with the
other 25K.
GREGGS THE BAKER - 5/10
Like an overcooked steakbake, the one who makes everyone
curse, spit and scowl. Competent but struggling even
under little pressure - may be a confidence thing; not
making any telling difference and every involvement right
now appears troublesome. Hmm, and it's supposedly new
right-backs we're tracking...
TONY THE TIGER - 7.5/10
Got lost in north Bohemia Thursday afternoon, and lucky
he wan't hunted; Lucky it wasn't Feegie, that is -
Tiger stew's still a delicacy there...
But his reprieve from our Kangaroo-wrangling boss was
heeded. This was a refined Tony The Tiger, not a foot
wrong, showing surprising guile, and again pulling out
a classic goal - something from Dutch World Cup
archives this time.
Took a red-card sore-one from ex-Celtic goalkeeper
Gordon Marshall - now filling-in at left back for
Hundee, inexplicably - and got back up to turn in a
fine game. A worthy jersey today.
STARLORD - 6/10
More comfortable, less involved. Got to grips with
early Hundee cheek and settled into an afternoon of
good reading of play and careful passing.
Got hit late on by alien sneak attack, phaser set
to stun him after he'd dozed off on a through ball -
happened on Thursday too, but this time he had just
enough awareness to recover.
RAQUEL - 6/10
Back in for the glamour. She reponded well to
absence and didn't shirk the opening physical
tussles; plenty of Dundonians excited to get a
grip of her.
Shut down their forwards well, even contending
with the late intimidating addition of slavering,
over-inked, ex-Hun-Hibee porn-rapist, 'Cumbucket' who
ran on like a sleazy extra from a 70s John Holmes
movie and contributed precisely the sum of his
brain cells; fuck all.
CALMAC - 7/10
Shuffled back into Ron Burgundy role due to resting
of the Man Of Soro. Calmac makes that anchorman
position look a breeze, holding off the Hundee
midfield overload and picking the passes through
their lines for creatives ahead to explode on their
backline.
Easily dismissed the disturbing and harassing
attentions of former Zombie Entity disgrace,
Charlie Adams, who was rumoured to be wearing
suspiciously skimpy underwear and appeared to
be suffering some form of reverse-Benjamin Button
condition.
EDDIE TURNBULL - 6.5/10
The space and time he needs was afforded to him
today. Those geriatric legs finally got working
properly around the half hour mark and the zimmer
was cast pitchside for lovely Connie McLaughlin
to lean on as she looked like she'd had a hard
night. She would round at my place, etc, etc...
We sleep on the floor, kids.
Once Eddie T got his eye in there were sumptuous
balls over and through to admire. We just need him
to conjure such skills of his own accord in tight
games and not lag like a Celtic TV stream while his
teammates labour to get the game under control.
CORPUS CHRISTIE - 8.4/10
Well, well, well. Not getting the MOTM from me
because I can't tell if the skiving cunt is playing
for a move or a new contract...
But he was scintillating at times, bursting them
open with dynamic turns of skill, almost unplayable
when running amok. Put pen to paper, take more money
than yer're deserving of and give us another 34
performances like that to make up for last season's
disappearing tantrums, Corpus, and maybe we'll be
believers in the Cult of Christie again.
OZ - 7/10
Mayte, stroked it in like he was slooshing suncream
across the bubble-ass of a Bondi Beach babe, and not
hoofing about in monsoon Glasgow.
Interesting role for Big Oz - foremost midfielder
asked to support high press with Mr.Kobayashi.
Runs him down after a customary hour, but do we get
more out of his 60-minute contribution because of
said role? Time will tell...
ABADASS - 7/10
"I'm runnin' at them, I'm runnin' at them, I'm runnin'
at them, I'm runnin..."
And so goes the only thought "runnin'" through his
heid every time he gets the ball. And when it comes off,
he's got great impact - tremendous ball for our opener,
incessant pain in the arse for their full-back.
Another good one, kid.
Mr. KOBAYASHI - 8.5/10 MOTM
I know many of the white supremacist Rule Britannia
degenerates peruse these ramblings, so a quick note for
the one of you who can barely read to translate to the
others in the Monkey House: The Divine Wind is coming
for you, Huns.
You'll be able to roll out all the lacist stereotyping
we expect on the 29th, but I'm thinking the last laugh
will be the sinking of your HMS Farked Loyal by our
screaming Kamikaze.
Here's a player with the most exciting forward movement
since the King Of Kings. His first goal is a carbon copy
(that's an old paper-imprint reproduction analogy, digital
kids...) of the King's cross-defender sweep and if I could
be arsed I'd find the goal clip to show you (v Aberdeen
sometime, maybe?).
But I can't, and some coke-wired fanatic on Twitter's
probably beaten me to it, anyway; so watch them side-by-side
and salivate at the thought of what's to come with this
nascent superstar known to Griff as Japanese Eddy, and to
one mindfucked pub admirer as resembling "a Japanese Naka..."
I kid you not; that's the company you keep in the pursuit
of watching a Celtic revival.
This new Eastern bhoy has excited the place, and the reception
he got for MOTM stadium annoncement was heartwarming. i.e
we fucking love him already. Even though he was sat there
trembling as the typhoon rains hit, expecting Godzilla to
loom over the North Curve with the storm any second.
SUBS:
FRENCH EDDY - 6/10
"Ey, theese ees my ball, you leetle noo-ee-sance..."
...Went the converstion as Eddy glowered down at Abadass
nibbling his ankles for a shot at the penalty.
It was never happening, and French Eddy signed off at
Paradise (well, maybe...) with a strike as ice cool as
Connie McLaughlin will be when she eventually meets
me and I whisper in her ear about the experimental
bake-off inspired ideas I have invloving garnishing
her, erm, 'hot pie'... Apple, probably, for the
youngsters reading: I'm going to make one for her.
JAMESY - N/A
This is no weather for getting the boaby oot! So
Jamesy was disappointed on his return to Parkheid
and remained quietly tucked for another, drier,
day.
FIELD MARSHALL - N/A
A blooding in front of a reasonable crowd for the
boy. Also, luckily, did not drown.
ANITA DOBSON - 8/10
Pleasantly surprised to find out he was up against
Jakey Dundee and not Crocodile Dundee. Did well
to conceal the big hunting knife he'd brought, just
in case.
Then put it to good use as his changed side cut them
to ribbons. Job done quick-time. Billycan-warming
implementation of his tactical requests mean he'll
have a list of players whom he can trust to deploy,
and a shortlist of those he needs to strengthen his
system.
So far, so chin-strokingly good for the Big
Aussie-Athenian Fenian...
OVERALL - 8/10
So the questionably imperialist-sympathising mob
from the shitty end of Tannadice Street roll into
Paradise for the first time in a few years to lower
the aesthetic and moral standards.
The skies opened above many in Scotland yesterday,
so too at Tannadice Stadium but no rain fell, just
divine justice after a long, long period of surreal
and inexplicable witchcraft.
Won't the humbled 'Champions'be looking forward to
struggling in front a reprobate-full, growling Hun
Hoose in the weeks to come... Over to you, captain
Chav. Prrrrressure....
Meanwhile, Celtic continue with the rebuild momentum.
After a scrappy start the re-jigged side seemed to
fall back into a set framework, a methodology they
could default to and then feel their way into the
game. The sort of thing good, intense, focussed
coaching instills. Fancy that, Lennony, eh?
Once we got going, that was that. A refreshing,
persistent tempo dished out a sound thrashing.
This used to happen all the time, I recall vaguely,
back before the apocalypse and the pathetic surrender
of the TEN.
Maybe out of the ruins of the old world, we'll see
the founding of a new. Carrying Celtic attacking
traditions, but with replenished energy reserves
and a hunger for the thrills of victory.
Early days, but there's a nice air of excitement
growing, and soon the vast armies of the Freefolk
will return in full force to add a thunder to the
gathering storm.
Go Away Now
Sandman
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