Sandman
Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC V INBRED COUSIN HILLBILLY BOYS
3-1 25/08/19
"It's not just the Rangers, you know. Misbehaviour is widespread
in Scottish football. And spread-wide misbehaviour sums up me too
when I'm hassling thon big Grown-up Sex-pest Harry Potter for a
pump."
Anne Budgie, Heart Of MiddleEarth Voodoo Matriarch.
"Do you support a grubby side from Edinburgh?
Do you sing the songs of a team from Govan?
Do you wish you too were up to your knees in fenian blood?
Do you like to scream about child abuse even though your own
managerial duo look more sinister than Brady and Hindley?"
Call us for a chat - The Haunted Hun Helpline
THE WALL - 6/10
Almost a great retun to Paradise for the Great Wall. Dumb booking early
on as he was reminded this ain't the sleepy Southampton suburbs. Then came
the save from the dubious penalty. Then came the rebound crashed past him
to spoil his clean sheet.
In between episdoes of drama the gran muralla was so little occupied he
was tagged by two graffitti gangs - one, The Calton Costa Coffee Crew: a
progressive social justice warrior alliance dedicated to a modern snowflake
worldview whose tag is a weeping coffee bean graphic. Below that on his
jersey is scrawled 'Tongs Ya Bass!' - a counter-culture organisation here
to remind us a of the good old days...
AJER - 7.5/10
'Viking marauder tears up Minis left wing', is the headline in the Norse
Raiders Observer.
Another stint at right back gave big Kris ample room and opoportunity to
attack and deliver some dangerous balls. Amazing to see him given so
much space - he became a focal point for some searching crossfield
passes all second-half. But that's the benefit we get when the opposition
manager's tactics are mainly concernded with how to tease his chairperson's
pubes out his Queer Eye For The Straight Guy goatee ensemble.
JULLIEN CLARY - 7/10
Trust him for IKEA? Trust him for Mordor? Well... We're going to know
this time next week IF we have a £7 million defensive rock-star or be
suspicious that Rafael Scheidt spent a bit of time shagging in France
at Celtic's expense back in the 90s.
Today he was combative, winning plenty important challenges if not
completely reassuring - but I do recall big Virgil often being the same.
Players like him may need the big games to properly bring them to life
and draw out the best in them. Zero hour is coming.
BITTON - 7/10
Bored all first-half, tried a Beckham on half-time. Spent the interval
getting the pish ripped in the dressing room. Said it before - he's the
perfect centere-back fit for games like this against SPL dross who
come to sit deep. Nir has the wonderful pure football ability about
him to step up as an additional midfielder and pick a pass. Plus he's
tough as tackety bits despite being built like a racing snake. Big player
for the nine.
BOLIWOOD - 6.5
Hit and miss. Need more hit than miss; And we're getting it - vast
percentage of his game is erring on the positive side. He's got a good
engine and was dynamic for 90 in the heat. Loves a forward run, bursts
with enthusiasm. Yet he too is about to be judged on the first of next
month. Don't think he'll hide, looks the type to get wired in. A good
thing.
BROON - 7/10
Culpable once again? Nah. Penalty yer arse. Or if you're Gollum,
stonewaller, despite the ball breaking off Broony and away from the
goal. Wee Wullie Wanker was even looking right at it, so no magical
bottom-mounted (or inserted) periscope to point to the spot in the
same box he 'sensed' Broadfoot collapsing all those years ago. Which
was actaually due to syphillis and not the dive we all slaughtered him for.
Today, in raging conditions, our favourite rager went about his captain's
business as always with minimum fuss and maximum impact. Particularly
good to see Broony ramp up the bloodlust for Mordor, tuning himself in
by picking a fight late on with their hobbit-eating battle-giant, I-kazoo.
CALMAC - 7.5/10
Pretty mute first 45 for the Pudgy Pirlo, flashed good ball across goal
early, generally metronomed his way around. But second half he came
to life, zipping passes and iced the groupie's face with a RIPPER beyond
the keeper's despairing dive to give us breathing space at 2-0. If he's been
quiet, it hopefully means he's conserving energy. He's due to hit some
devastating form anytime soon and take control of matches.
CORPUS CHRISTIE - 7.5/10
What an engine the Son Of Man has. Resources of a marathon-running
camel to maintain his relentless pursuit of the ball in today's temperatures.
Fantastic ball to Jamesy to set up the first, quick feet to lay on the
second for Calmac, deserved a goal himself for his incessant forward
runs into space.
SAM JACKSON - 6.5/10
It's a beautiful muthufuckin' Sunday when there's a Muthufucka
in the DAMN startin' line-up. But would selectin' a righteous
Muthufucku on the day of the LORD bring muthufuckin' fruits and
lay down vengeance upon them, like a Muthufucka?
Well, Muthufucka so cool he wearing' loooong sleeve in 80 dee-grees,
muthufuckas. Got his hands dirty and stuck-in - no hidin' from
muthufuckin' gargoyles from Gorgie. An' them biatches be
muthufuckin' slain.
An' here's the thang - clear as DAMN day when this muthufucka
subbed from the Amphitheare Of Muthufuckin Awesome on the 68th
minute for Retro Muthufucka Mikey that this Muthufucka's presence
brings a crucial element - CONTROL, muthufuckas.
In that engine-room beside that pudgy passin' petite Pirlo muthufucka
an' captain crazy-horse muthufucka, THIS muthufucka forms a game-runnin'
trinity, leaving that Holy Ghost Muthufucka to career around like a
demented Cuckoo's Nest Muthufucka and do some muthufuckin' damage.
As in - play this Muthufucka in a central mifdfield three and we run
the DAMN muthufuckin' show.
FORREST - 6.5/10
Sun out, heat on max. Usually Jamesy would be in a Prestwick beer garden,
complaining to cute glass collectors that there were wasps in his glass
and they'd better take it away. But, of course, there'd be something
more special dangling in the glass than a wasp when it was collected,
ladies...
And today, Jamesy conserved his special treats for effective moments,
floating in and out the game like a muscular butterfly and stinging like
a special cock-wasp when it mattered - great ball for the first, switching
wings to draw them around second-half; interestingly, plays with more
freedom when given licence to drift.
SON OF A GUN - 8/10 MOTM
Well, here comes yer Sunday surprise. A starting berth for the 'project'
many had written-off. Surged at them early on, swashbuckled amid
their backline looking more like the rapier striker of his youtube clips.
Great defensive work too, put himself about, gave big ancient gargoyle
skipper Berra a torrid afternoon; Hustled him for the first, great run
across him for the second, almost notched another out-jumping him
and hit the back post.
Now we ponder whether he's a stayer or an anomally in the matrix. Is
the languid African, our deadly Black Mamba (© me) going to be
the surprise package of the season, something usually reserved for
Jamesy's recreational hours, or will the mineshafters prophecies fulfill
and he'll disappear in ignomy?
Well, with optimism, let's hope this was a beginning and not a freak
event.
SUBS:
GRIFF - N/A
On to bewilderment for a few late minutes. 'Whae the fuck's that? he
mouthed as Bayo walked past him. Thankfully he recognised most of the
others wearing Hoops on the park. Spent his remaining time fruitlessly
searching for Rudi Skatchel to wind up.
MIKEY J - 5/10
Twenty minutes for the throwback synthesiser superkid. Spun a bit, like
an old 45, like Dead or Alive - right round - but was mostly closed down
despite promising movement and footwork. Must have noticed his Hearts
lookalike playing left back for them - Hickey, or lovebite, or something,
sporting the Mikey J Eighties bouffant. Unfortunately for the Edinburgh
doppleganger, his over-coiffuring has left him more with the appearance
of a politically-agitated lesbian than our homegrown wunderkind.
RASLSTON - N/A
Tony the Tiger romped on as Ajer retired. Went through the motions to
see out the game, although flirted with calamity in his own box for an
anxious few seconds. Just clear it, son.
LENNONY - 7.5/10
Eyebrows raised and grumbling voices lowered as the teamsheet appeared.
But this time the manager's shuffle didn't result in disaster. Instead,
a new striking option gets serious mentions on the supporters lips, and
we may have gained an understanding of the right midfield combination to
dominate and punish effectively - Ntcham, Broon, Clamc: a trinity, Christie
floating, Jamesy surging either wing. I say, 'we' - that may not include
Lennony...
However, another victory on the road to NINE. I hope I'm writing that with
glee next Sunday evening. 3 down, 35 to go.
OVERALL - 7/10
Always a possibly banana skin when the Half-Hun-Horribles roll up. They
like to get in our faces and unsettle to the point of nicking a goal. It
has worked at Gargoylie for them but it gladdenened my cold heart to see
them suffer in the heat of Paradise today. This was an all-round professional,
defending-champions' performance.
The framework of the side was re-arranged but, as mentioned, it paid off
with benefits which might be utilised long-term; We will see. Overall it
was encouraging to witness a player emerge from the shadows of hope as
well as the squad and make a his mark in such an important position.
Now let's go to Thursday and progress with ta similar minimum of fuss we
exhibited to deal with today.
Go Away Now.
Sandman, Done With The Sun.
3-1 25/08/19
"It's not just the Rangers, you know. Misbehaviour is widespread
in Scottish football. And spread-wide misbehaviour sums up me too
when I'm hassling thon big Grown-up Sex-pest Harry Potter for a
pump."
Anne Budgie, Heart Of MiddleEarth Voodoo Matriarch.
"Do you support a grubby side from Edinburgh?
Do you sing the songs of a team from Govan?
Do you wish you too were up to your knees in fenian blood?
Do you like to scream about child abuse even though your own
managerial duo look more sinister than Brady and Hindley?"
Call us for a chat - The Haunted Hun Helpline
THE WALL - 6/10
Almost a great retun to Paradise for the Great Wall. Dumb booking early
on as he was reminded this ain't the sleepy Southampton suburbs. Then came
the save from the dubious penalty. Then came the rebound crashed past him
to spoil his clean sheet.
In between episdoes of drama the gran muralla was so little occupied he
was tagged by two graffitti gangs - one, The Calton Costa Coffee Crew: a
progressive social justice warrior alliance dedicated to a modern snowflake
worldview whose tag is a weeping coffee bean graphic. Below that on his
jersey is scrawled 'Tongs Ya Bass!' - a counter-culture organisation here
to remind us a of the good old days...
AJER - 7.5/10
'Viking marauder tears up Minis left wing', is the headline in the Norse
Raiders Observer.
Another stint at right back gave big Kris ample room and opoportunity to
attack and deliver some dangerous balls. Amazing to see him given so
much space - he became a focal point for some searching crossfield
passes all second-half. But that's the benefit we get when the opposition
manager's tactics are mainly concernded with how to tease his chairperson's
pubes out his Queer Eye For The Straight Guy goatee ensemble.
JULLIEN CLARY - 7/10
Trust him for IKEA? Trust him for Mordor? Well... We're going to know
this time next week IF we have a £7 million defensive rock-star or be
suspicious that Rafael Scheidt spent a bit of time shagging in France
at Celtic's expense back in the 90s.
Today he was combative, winning plenty important challenges if not
completely reassuring - but I do recall big Virgil often being the same.
Players like him may need the big games to properly bring them to life
and draw out the best in them. Zero hour is coming.
BITTON - 7/10
Bored all first-half, tried a Beckham on half-time. Spent the interval
getting the pish ripped in the dressing room. Said it before - he's the
perfect centere-back fit for games like this against SPL dross who
come to sit deep. Nir has the wonderful pure football ability about
him to step up as an additional midfielder and pick a pass. Plus he's
tough as tackety bits despite being built like a racing snake. Big player
for the nine.
BOLIWOOD - 6.5
Hit and miss. Need more hit than miss; And we're getting it - vast
percentage of his game is erring on the positive side. He's got a good
engine and was dynamic for 90 in the heat. Loves a forward run, bursts
with enthusiasm. Yet he too is about to be judged on the first of next
month. Don't think he'll hide, looks the type to get wired in. A good
thing.
BROON - 7/10
Culpable once again? Nah. Penalty yer arse. Or if you're Gollum,
stonewaller, despite the ball breaking off Broony and away from the
goal. Wee Wullie Wanker was even looking right at it, so no magical
bottom-mounted (or inserted) periscope to point to the spot in the
same box he 'sensed' Broadfoot collapsing all those years ago. Which
was actaually due to syphillis and not the dive we all slaughtered him for.
Today, in raging conditions, our favourite rager went about his captain's
business as always with minimum fuss and maximum impact. Particularly
good to see Broony ramp up the bloodlust for Mordor, tuning himself in
by picking a fight late on with their hobbit-eating battle-giant, I-kazoo.
CALMAC - 7.5/10
Pretty mute first 45 for the Pudgy Pirlo, flashed good ball across goal
early, generally metronomed his way around. But second half he came
to life, zipping passes and iced the groupie's face with a RIPPER beyond
the keeper's despairing dive to give us breathing space at 2-0. If he's been
quiet, it hopefully means he's conserving energy. He's due to hit some
devastating form anytime soon and take control of matches.
CORPUS CHRISTIE - 7.5/10
What an engine the Son Of Man has. Resources of a marathon-running
camel to maintain his relentless pursuit of the ball in today's temperatures.
Fantastic ball to Jamesy to set up the first, quick feet to lay on the
second for Calmac, deserved a goal himself for his incessant forward
runs into space.
SAM JACKSON - 6.5/10
It's a beautiful muthufuckin' Sunday when there's a Muthufucka
in the DAMN startin' line-up. But would selectin' a righteous
Muthufucku on the day of the LORD bring muthufuckin' fruits and
lay down vengeance upon them, like a Muthufucka?
Well, Muthufucka so cool he wearing' loooong sleeve in 80 dee-grees,
muthufuckas. Got his hands dirty and stuck-in - no hidin' from
muthufuckin' gargoyles from Gorgie. An' them biatches be
muthufuckin' slain.
An' here's the thang - clear as DAMN day when this muthufucka
subbed from the Amphitheare Of Muthufuckin Awesome on the 68th
minute for Retro Muthufucka Mikey that this Muthufucka's presence
brings a crucial element - CONTROL, muthufuckas.
In that engine-room beside that pudgy passin' petite Pirlo muthufucka
an' captain crazy-horse muthufucka, THIS muthufucka forms a game-runnin'
trinity, leaving that Holy Ghost Muthufucka to career around like a
demented Cuckoo's Nest Muthufucka and do some muthufuckin' damage.
As in - play this Muthufucka in a central mifdfield three and we run
the DAMN muthufuckin' show.
FORREST - 6.5/10
Sun out, heat on max. Usually Jamesy would be in a Prestwick beer garden,
complaining to cute glass collectors that there were wasps in his glass
and they'd better take it away. But, of course, there'd be something
more special dangling in the glass than a wasp when it was collected,
ladies...
And today, Jamesy conserved his special treats for effective moments,
floating in and out the game like a muscular butterfly and stinging like
a special cock-wasp when it mattered - great ball for the first, switching
wings to draw them around second-half; interestingly, plays with more
freedom when given licence to drift.
SON OF A GUN - 8/10 MOTM
Well, here comes yer Sunday surprise. A starting berth for the 'project'
many had written-off. Surged at them early on, swashbuckled amid
their backline looking more like the rapier striker of his youtube clips.
Great defensive work too, put himself about, gave big ancient gargoyle
skipper Berra a torrid afternoon; Hustled him for the first, great run
across him for the second, almost notched another out-jumping him
and hit the back post.
Now we ponder whether he's a stayer or an anomally in the matrix. Is
the languid African, our deadly Black Mamba (© me) going to be
the surprise package of the season, something usually reserved for
Jamesy's recreational hours, or will the mineshafters prophecies fulfill
and he'll disappear in ignomy?
Well, with optimism, let's hope this was a beginning and not a freak
event.
SUBS:
GRIFF - N/A
On to bewilderment for a few late minutes. 'Whae the fuck's that? he
mouthed as Bayo walked past him. Thankfully he recognised most of the
others wearing Hoops on the park. Spent his remaining time fruitlessly
searching for Rudi Skatchel to wind up.
MIKEY J - 5/10
Twenty minutes for the throwback synthesiser superkid. Spun a bit, like
an old 45, like Dead or Alive - right round - but was mostly closed down
despite promising movement and footwork. Must have noticed his Hearts
lookalike playing left back for them - Hickey, or lovebite, or something,
sporting the Mikey J Eighties bouffant. Unfortunately for the Edinburgh
doppleganger, his over-coiffuring has left him more with the appearance
of a politically-agitated lesbian than our homegrown wunderkind.
RASLSTON - N/A
Tony the Tiger romped on as Ajer retired. Went through the motions to
see out the game, although flirted with calamity in his own box for an
anxious few seconds. Just clear it, son.
LENNONY - 7.5/10
Eyebrows raised and grumbling voices lowered as the teamsheet appeared.
But this time the manager's shuffle didn't result in disaster. Instead,
a new striking option gets serious mentions on the supporters lips, and
we may have gained an understanding of the right midfield combination to
dominate and punish effectively - Ntcham, Broon, Clamc: a trinity, Christie
floating, Jamesy surging either wing. I say, 'we' - that may not include
Lennony...
However, another victory on the road to NINE. I hope I'm writing that with
glee next Sunday evening. 3 down, 35 to go.
OVERALL - 7/10
Always a possibly banana skin when the Half-Hun-Horribles roll up. They
like to get in our faces and unsettle to the point of nicking a goal. It
has worked at Gargoylie for them but it gladdenened my cold heart to see
them suffer in the heat of Paradise today. This was an all-round professional,
defending-champions' performance.
The framework of the side was re-arranged but, as mentioned, it paid off
with benefits which might be utilised long-term; We will see. Overall it
was encouraging to witness a player emerge from the shadows of hope as
well as the squad and make a his mark in such an important position.
Now let's go to Thursday and progress with ta similar minimum of fuss we
exhibited to deal with today.
Go Away Now.
Sandman, Done With The Sun.
