Sandman
Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v JESUS JUICE
'When the tempest rages,
In the rock of ages
I will safely hide;
Though the earth be shaking,
And all hearts be quaking,
Celtic is at my side.'
- Johann (Mjallby) Franck.
ROXIE - 7/10
"I'll bet on big Joe havin' fuck-all to d..."
And blushes get spared by the classic Daniel Day
Lewis stop with My Left Bit. Another example of
experienced top class goalkeeping to annoy the
armchair Lev Yashins.
Sadly, their hardworking striker will replay
that golden chance in his dreams for decades to
come...
I say 'sadly' if he's of Hooped persuasion; if
he's a throbbing Heelan' Hun I'll take comfort
in it haunting the bastard to his grave...
GREGGS THE BAKER - 6/10
Industrious day gilded by opening the scoring.
Whit? Offside, you say?
Did he have a sausage roll sticking out his gub?
That's about the only way he was beyond the comical
VAR crayons - mystyeriously drawn across a more
acute angle than the one a dozen TV replays used.
Hmm...
WAYNE GRETZKY - 6/10
Rough Northerners are his bread and butter.
Sentimental flashbacks to wrestling ice truckers
and lumberjacks for fresh Caribou meat as he spent
an afternoon hustling well in the tempest.
OF JUSTICE - 5.5/10
Picked the right game for a couple of lazy lapses,
busted wrong side for their outstanding moment, but
no real worries through an easy 90 minutes.
APOLLO CREED - 6/10
Another with room to ease back into competitive
football while the game was played mostly in front
of him. Required only to tidy and step in for a high
press.
SAINT BERNARDO - 7/10
A grafter and a grifter - has an active, languid
style as he lopes about impersonating Matty, yet
shares the same class of wily touch and movement
as demonstrated in his delightful dink.
THE BUILDER - 8/10 MOTM
The difference engine; dodgy Paradise pitch requiring
a gifted footballer to deliver the killing blows.
And up stepped the Anglo-Dane to slide in through
ball after through ball as handsome as his mirror.
THE ALLFATHER - 7/10
Yes, this kid can play football alright - his first
instinct coupled with a competitive nature. Not fazed
by the Calmac responsibility, he dropped and prompted
then iced the already freezing day with a sumptuous
one-two before firing in his first Hoops goal. More
to come.
BRIAN DE - 6.5/10
'Mercurial' is the preferred hack expression for
Louie's particular style of play; but he's as volatile
as Prince Andrew's hard drive, and will subvert your
expectations of wonder with the touch of the Staypuft
Marshmallow Man before drifting about looking dislocated
like yer midlife-crisis Uncle at a teenage house party,
then suddenly spark celebrations with a swish of his
standing foot to rifle in a belter.
KILLER MUSHROOM - 6.5/10
All it took was a touch. Kyogo is inevitable, as the
Buckie village witch had predicted. The voodoo
was upon him when he missed a sitter early but no amount
of bodies in the box can stop one of such intuitive
movement and - ping! - the ubiquitous strike to dispell
the Heelan' hex.
ABADASS - 7/10
Almost a De Palma frustration replica wing-for-wing
as Liel returned from injury for a serious 90-minute
rebuild.
It seemed early on that he'd forgotten all about the
offside rule as the linesman got a real workout for his
wanking arm. But once the wee mhan had his timing right,
in he scurried and laid one on a plate with an inch-perfect
slip to Kyogo.
SUBS -
MIKEY J - 6.5/10
"FFS, whit's he doin' on the park aga... Aw, choo-choo!
Magic Mikey!"
TONY THE TIGER - N/A
Grr...As if Celtic Park wasn't scary enough for the
Wildlings, we throw in the Tiger too.
RAQUEL - N/A
Welcome back to the glamour. Next game ye might get a
touch of the ball as well.
VALUE ADDED TAX - 6.5/10
Play the kid! Let him have the chance to stake his
claim! About time Rocco got a fair shout and he
presented a good argument for retaining burgeoning
talent with a finish born of smart striking play, and
took an obligatory yellow to make the MIB feel better
about his drenching.
NED KELLY - N/A
Good competitive gametime for the young Aussie outlaw.
Yes, maybe he's not Antipodean in the slightest but
let's go along with it for the sake of this cheap
name gag...
THE SHNAKE - 7/10
No win situation - make sure the team's on it and
the result's what the fans get for turning up in
the midst of Hurricane Hun.
And he did on both counts; so everyone goes home
happy.
MIBBERY - 3/10
Nice try with the VAR lines drawn by David Blunket,
but the relentlessness of the Hoops was the unstoppable
force the black monolithic objects couldn't resist. They
tried, though, with 36 goals disallowed for offside...
In the end they just picked on one of the young 'uns to
flash an undeserved card at, for stamping on... the grass.
Where was yer VAR scrutiny there? Huns.
OVERALL - 7/10
A winter break ended by Buckie. Not seen since the
post-festive return to High School and Father McCluskey's
'choir practice'...
"Here, have some o' this - it'll relax yer vocal chords."
The game you could write your own jokes to soon as the
draw was made. Our job was to make sure the jokes stopped
at the first whistle. And thus the job was done.
As competitive contests go, it was Ali v Fraser; The
Fraser in this case being the Heelan' Private Fraser
from 'Dads Army'.
As expected the Bhoys blew Buckie away as a prelude to
the incoming storm. As expected, Buckie didn't buckle -
resilient bunch of decent players who maintained an
admirable focus throughout and kept great discipline in
the face of terrifyingly disproportionate ability.
And fair play to their fan contingent for en mass
support to shame SPL away mobs. And also for proof
that even in the interbred, godforsaken Northern reaches
there's still no mutations of nature to match the ugly
fucking Huns.
Kudos to their chunky purple-people-eater keeper who's
overtrained on the Kit-Kats but didn't get a break (see
what I did there, advertising slogan fans?) as he lost
two stone just keeching (Highland term) himself every
time we rampaged towards his box. But he was smiling the
90 and pulled off some really fine stops to keep the score
more than respectable.
So a fine day out was had by all and we get a useful
introduction back into competitive footy and low-block
demolition. On we go, new signings incoming, eyes on the
prizes.
Go Away Now
Sandman
'When the tempest rages,
In the rock of ages
I will safely hide;
Though the earth be shaking,
And all hearts be quaking,
Celtic is at my side.'
- Johann (Mjallby) Franck.
ROXIE - 7/10
"I'll bet on big Joe havin' fuck-all to d..."
And blushes get spared by the classic Daniel Day
Lewis stop with My Left Bit. Another example of
experienced top class goalkeeping to annoy the
armchair Lev Yashins.
Sadly, their hardworking striker will replay
that golden chance in his dreams for decades to
come...
I say 'sadly' if he's of Hooped persuasion; if
he's a throbbing Heelan' Hun I'll take comfort
in it haunting the bastard to his grave...
GREGGS THE BAKER - 6/10
Industrious day gilded by opening the scoring.
Whit? Offside, you say?
Did he have a sausage roll sticking out his gub?
That's about the only way he was beyond the comical
VAR crayons - mystyeriously drawn across a more
acute angle than the one a dozen TV replays used.
Hmm...
WAYNE GRETZKY - 6/10
Rough Northerners are his bread and butter.
Sentimental flashbacks to wrestling ice truckers
and lumberjacks for fresh Caribou meat as he spent
an afternoon hustling well in the tempest.
OF JUSTICE - 5.5/10
Picked the right game for a couple of lazy lapses,
busted wrong side for their outstanding moment, but
no real worries through an easy 90 minutes.
APOLLO CREED - 6/10
Another with room to ease back into competitive
football while the game was played mostly in front
of him. Required only to tidy and step in for a high
press.
SAINT BERNARDO - 7/10
A grafter and a grifter - has an active, languid
style as he lopes about impersonating Matty, yet
shares the same class of wily touch and movement
as demonstrated in his delightful dink.
THE BUILDER - 8/10 MOTM
The difference engine; dodgy Paradise pitch requiring
a gifted footballer to deliver the killing blows.
And up stepped the Anglo-Dane to slide in through
ball after through ball as handsome as his mirror.
THE ALLFATHER - 7/10
Yes, this kid can play football alright - his first
instinct coupled with a competitive nature. Not fazed
by the Calmac responsibility, he dropped and prompted
then iced the already freezing day with a sumptuous
one-two before firing in his first Hoops goal. More
to come.
BRIAN DE - 6.5/10
'Mercurial' is the preferred hack expression for
Louie's particular style of play; but he's as volatile
as Prince Andrew's hard drive, and will subvert your
expectations of wonder with the touch of the Staypuft
Marshmallow Man before drifting about looking dislocated
like yer midlife-crisis Uncle at a teenage house party,
then suddenly spark celebrations with a swish of his
standing foot to rifle in a belter.
KILLER MUSHROOM - 6.5/10
All it took was a touch. Kyogo is inevitable, as the
Buckie village witch had predicted. The voodoo
was upon him when he missed a sitter early but no amount
of bodies in the box can stop one of such intuitive
movement and - ping! - the ubiquitous strike to dispell
the Heelan' hex.
ABADASS - 7/10
Almost a De Palma frustration replica wing-for-wing
as Liel returned from injury for a serious 90-minute
rebuild.
It seemed early on that he'd forgotten all about the
offside rule as the linesman got a real workout for his
wanking arm. But once the wee mhan had his timing right,
in he scurried and laid one on a plate with an inch-perfect
slip to Kyogo.
SUBS -
MIKEY J - 6.5/10
"FFS, whit's he doin' on the park aga... Aw, choo-choo!
Magic Mikey!"
TONY THE TIGER - N/A
Grr...As if Celtic Park wasn't scary enough for the
Wildlings, we throw in the Tiger too.
RAQUEL - N/A
Welcome back to the glamour. Next game ye might get a
touch of the ball as well.
VALUE ADDED TAX - 6.5/10
Play the kid! Let him have the chance to stake his
claim! About time Rocco got a fair shout and he
presented a good argument for retaining burgeoning
talent with a finish born of smart striking play, and
took an obligatory yellow to make the MIB feel better
about his drenching.
NED KELLY - N/A
Good competitive gametime for the young Aussie outlaw.
Yes, maybe he's not Antipodean in the slightest but
let's go along with it for the sake of this cheap
name gag...
THE SHNAKE - 7/10
No win situation - make sure the team's on it and
the result's what the fans get for turning up in
the midst of Hurricane Hun.
And he did on both counts; so everyone goes home
happy.
MIBBERY - 3/10
Nice try with the VAR lines drawn by David Blunket,
but the relentlessness of the Hoops was the unstoppable
force the black monolithic objects couldn't resist. They
tried, though, with 36 goals disallowed for offside...
In the end they just picked on one of the young 'uns to
flash an undeserved card at, for stamping on... the grass.
Where was yer VAR scrutiny there? Huns.
OVERALL - 7/10
A winter break ended by Buckie. Not seen since the
post-festive return to High School and Father McCluskey's
'choir practice'...
"Here, have some o' this - it'll relax yer vocal chords."
The game you could write your own jokes to soon as the
draw was made. Our job was to make sure the jokes stopped
at the first whistle. And thus the job was done.
As competitive contests go, it was Ali v Fraser; The
Fraser in this case being the Heelan' Private Fraser
from 'Dads Army'.
As expected the Bhoys blew Buckie away as a prelude to
the incoming storm. As expected, Buckie didn't buckle -
resilient bunch of decent players who maintained an
admirable focus throughout and kept great discipline in
the face of terrifyingly disproportionate ability.
And fair play to their fan contingent for en mass
support to shame SPL away mobs. And also for proof
that even in the interbred, godforsaken Northern reaches
there's still no mutations of nature to match the ugly
fucking Huns.
Kudos to their chunky purple-people-eater keeper who's
overtrained on the Kit-Kats but didn't get a break (see
what I did there, advertising slogan fans?) as he lost
two stone just keeching (Highland term) himself every
time we rampaged towards his box. But he was smiling the
90 and pulled off some really fine stops to keep the score
more than respectable.
So a fine day out was had by all and we get a useful
introduction back into competitive footy and low-block
demolition. On we go, new signings incoming, eyes on the
prizes.
Go Away Now
Sandman
