Sandman
Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v LIVINGONTHEEDGE
"Eey, yeh, we was in Gibralteer midweeych, an' we lost Alfie
among dem cheeky baboons up de rock; still not sure if we brought
the right one bach..."
Slippy G
B.A. BARKAS - 6.5/10
A clause in his contract explains it's only European teams
that shoot at him at Celtic Park. Imagine his Greek mythological
surprise too, when a Minotaur In Black gave a penalty against us
seconds after a mirror-image denial at the other end; like some
sort of angst-ridden Narcissus/Medusa fable B.A will tell when
he's pished...
Get used to that, Clubber. Not bad goaltending otherwise, with
some good anticipation.
GREGGS THE BAKER - 6.5/10
Assist! Like when the timer pings on the ovens, he was on the spot
in the moment to produce the optimal service from a Calmac subtlety
to furnish Corpus' filthy shoe with a tap-in. That's more positive,
Greggsy, keep it up.
ALAN LADD - 6/10
Not quite the stroll on the ranch he might have garnered from his
southern cowpokes. Even though Livi sold their giant angry lesbian
striker, his replacements reminded Shane he was indeed now a
target of random malice and sneaky runs that exploit his ocassional
lapse in concentration.
Still, the big cowhand loves a battle and proved his mettle yet
again with another committed performance. Despite not scoring.
So that's him dropped too, then.
AJER - 6/10
First name on the teamsheet every game. So we can get him to fuck...
Those less cynical might appreciate the big bhoy's professional
approach as he dreams of pumping catwalk models senseless in the
fashion capital of the world; but enough of his proposed move to
Airdrie.
Today Celtic got another steady effort, though many questions are
being asked of the defensive frailty at times; it must be remembered
these players are ships in the night - I presume the season will be
built around Alan Ladd and Jullien Clary soon as Kris's agent has
pointed his clockwork money machine towards Serie A and cashed in
on the boy's potential before his inevitable burnout and crash to
some English Championship strugglers.
HAT ATTACK - 6/10
Behind the scenes training assignements have had him assassinating
random parking offenders for Glasgow City Council as the Mossad
partnership takes an unhealthy turn; but has this blue-badge
purge stabilised his on-field mindset? Looked more in the groove
today, showing smart choices, no nonsense, and efficiency.
Like when he kills.
BROON - 6/10
Celtic's cheeky vimto - you're not quite sure what you're getting
but you know it'll have a kick. And he didn't kick too much today,
allowing the talent around him to build as he marshalled quietly.
Looked a bit bemused at the final whistle; kind of in denial that
it was over without a new grudge created and held.
PINGPONG - 6.5/10
He's fast, he's daring, he's lightning in a bottle with add-ons
if Celtic can hone the raw talent into a craftwork of nifty feet,
guile and cunning with devastating penetration; a bit like Griff
on the pull in a nightclub.
Livi got a taste of Pingpong's Duracell Bunny style, and when
we can add a final killer ball to his forays it'll be the Celtic
version of Wenger turning Henry from full-back to striker.
SAM JACKSON - 6.5/10
Muthufucka on at the first masonic blow? Muthufucka must be on
the move too. So from Wednesdy's git-down in gansta town it was
the Empire's explorers' descendants to git medieval on. And the
Muthufucka is adept at some thumbscrew persuasion, y'all...
But this opposition were more focussed on their own game rather
than taking out hits on the Celtic midfield; that refreshing trait
did allow us more space and moments to shine - the Muthufucka's
lovely muthufuckin' drift through the Celtic deep into their hood
to stage the winner was the epitome o'muthufuckin' Kool an' the
Gang - Muthufucku glided across that hallowed grass like the James
Brown stage-entry shuffle; y'dig, Muthufuckas?
CALMAC - 8/10 MOTM
3 in a row for Calmac; taking the reins up in Winterfell, grinding
out Wednesday's result at the OK Corral, and today first bhoy to
stand up and be a mhan just when we needed some impact -
Man Of The Moment to the power of three. From the early
Spartanesque block to rifling in the equaliser off somebody's
arse - genius - and thereon dictating the flow with intelligent
force. Thank Ghod for Calmac.
CORPUS CHRISTIE - 6.5/10
Some kind of orange boot conundrum (Hi, Mrs.Morelos!) ruffled
young Ryan but after his butler appeared on the sidelines with
heated drawing-room slippers he settled into a decent game,
tapping in a vital lead before half-time. But like previous matches,
not yet quite the rapier #10 we're going to be in crucial need of
in the next few months. His time may come; It takes time to hone
Ryan's special abilities. His Da' told me that.
THE YETI - 7.5/10
That's a tough mountain hide. And a tough ask for a player not
quite at full peak to wind among a black-clad phalanx of keep-
guards looking for openings. However, we may have found a
bargain - movement is incisive and selfless and he can roll a
brute with relish; great endeavour as we chased the game and
great finish for the eventual winner. I still think he needs a strike
partner to unleash his full powers but we'll see that soon...Again...
Hopefully...
SUBS:
JAMESY - N/A
Chuckle of the day as Lennony held him back until throwing him
on at the same time as his brother. 'Two of them?' breathed the
trembling glass collector hovering over our table, mouth agape
as she gazed up anxiously at the telly. I'd shut that if the Forrest
boys are around, love...
BITTON - N/A
Did you see him? Mossad for Mossad switch executed quick style,
boss. It never happened, capiche?
EDDIE TURNBULL - N/A
5 min at his age (deceased) is pretty good going. Building
towards a full 7 by end of year.
KLIMALA KLIMAX - 6/10
Fair enough. Ten minutes on the park, charge about, get a
yellow from the suspicious MIB with two first names (who
looked strangely attracted to him). Valiant effort is his calling
card.
ELSHAGYONLASSIE - N/A
Drew the final-moments-time-wasting-sub-straw. Kind of ambled
on and drifted a bit, tried to look interested, but.. Meh.
LENNONY - 7/10
Well, Mr.Lennony jigged the rig once more, getting his squad rotation
in with fairground waltzer affect on the armchair Steins who'll be
off like whiz-bangs at the formation.
The jokey conversation in the dressing room pre-match was along the lines
of Broon daring the bemused boss to scribble 'The Yeti' on a teamsheet,
and after a quick snatch and delivery to the ref we had one more striker
on the field of Paradise than the last home game...
But we were still set-up to attack and it showed, with decent tempo that
we just struggled to maintain because, as we all know (pay attention at
the back) ...One striker eases the burden on their defence and allows them
to loose an extra man into the middle/wing and catch us on the break.
So Lennony was going toe-to-toe at home as much as we ever will
against the likes of Livi rather than crushing them under his expensive
Dolce and Gabbana glitter heels (Don't ask...).
We hope the 3-5-2 is a prime order stymied by current fitness levels,
rather than an afterthought when public pressure is mounting. I'm almost
sure it is. So cut him some rope.
OVERALL - 7/10
Well, before you nod along wiht the hissy fits across the Celticosphere,
just remember the gallant romps of Charming Ratfink Brendan's teams
against the likes of St.Mirren away and Livi home... 0-0 and 1-1...
Saint Martin's superstar side scraping a last-kick 3-2 v Livi only thanks
to the God-Emperor, The King Of Kings...
Shit happens, and today thnakfully it didn't; three points, top of the
pile. We weren't great but we weren't awful; some things clicked well;
they scored a wonder goal and we clawed a win back from an early MIB
rabbit-punch. All's fine.
Go Away Now.
Sandman.
"Eey, yeh, we was in Gibralteer midweeych, an' we lost Alfie
among dem cheeky baboons up de rock; still not sure if we brought
the right one bach..."
Slippy G
B.A. BARKAS - 6.5/10
A clause in his contract explains it's only European teams
that shoot at him at Celtic Park. Imagine his Greek mythological
surprise too, when a Minotaur In Black gave a penalty against us
seconds after a mirror-image denial at the other end; like some
sort of angst-ridden Narcissus/Medusa fable B.A will tell when
he's pished...
Get used to that, Clubber. Not bad goaltending otherwise, with
some good anticipation.
GREGGS THE BAKER - 6.5/10
Assist! Like when the timer pings on the ovens, he was on the spot
in the moment to produce the optimal service from a Calmac subtlety
to furnish Corpus' filthy shoe with a tap-in. That's more positive,
Greggsy, keep it up.
ALAN LADD - 6/10
Not quite the stroll on the ranch he might have garnered from his
southern cowpokes. Even though Livi sold their giant angry lesbian
striker, his replacements reminded Shane he was indeed now a
target of random malice and sneaky runs that exploit his ocassional
lapse in concentration.
Still, the big cowhand loves a battle and proved his mettle yet
again with another committed performance. Despite not scoring.
So that's him dropped too, then.
AJER - 6/10
First name on the teamsheet every game. So we can get him to fuck...
Those less cynical might appreciate the big bhoy's professional
approach as he dreams of pumping catwalk models senseless in the
fashion capital of the world; but enough of his proposed move to
Airdrie.
Today Celtic got another steady effort, though many questions are
being asked of the defensive frailty at times; it must be remembered
these players are ships in the night - I presume the season will be
built around Alan Ladd and Jullien Clary soon as Kris's agent has
pointed his clockwork money machine towards Serie A and cashed in
on the boy's potential before his inevitable burnout and crash to
some English Championship strugglers.
HAT ATTACK - 6/10
Behind the scenes training assignements have had him assassinating
random parking offenders for Glasgow City Council as the Mossad
partnership takes an unhealthy turn; but has this blue-badge
purge stabilised his on-field mindset? Looked more in the groove
today, showing smart choices, no nonsense, and efficiency.
Like when he kills.
BROON - 6/10
Celtic's cheeky vimto - you're not quite sure what you're getting
but you know it'll have a kick. And he didn't kick too much today,
allowing the talent around him to build as he marshalled quietly.
Looked a bit bemused at the final whistle; kind of in denial that
it was over without a new grudge created and held.
PINGPONG - 6.5/10
He's fast, he's daring, he's lightning in a bottle with add-ons
if Celtic can hone the raw talent into a craftwork of nifty feet,
guile and cunning with devastating penetration; a bit like Griff
on the pull in a nightclub.
Livi got a taste of Pingpong's Duracell Bunny style, and when
we can add a final killer ball to his forays it'll be the Celtic
version of Wenger turning Henry from full-back to striker.
SAM JACKSON - 6.5/10
Muthufucka on at the first masonic blow? Muthufucka must be on
the move too. So from Wednesdy's git-down in gansta town it was
the Empire's explorers' descendants to git medieval on. And the
Muthufucka is adept at some thumbscrew persuasion, y'all...
But this opposition were more focussed on their own game rather
than taking out hits on the Celtic midfield; that refreshing trait
did allow us more space and moments to shine - the Muthufucka's
lovely muthufuckin' drift through the Celtic deep into their hood
to stage the winner was the epitome o'muthufuckin' Kool an' the
Gang - Muthufucku glided across that hallowed grass like the James
Brown stage-entry shuffle; y'dig, Muthufuckas?
CALMAC - 8/10 MOTM
3 in a row for Calmac; taking the reins up in Winterfell, grinding
out Wednesday's result at the OK Corral, and today first bhoy to
stand up and be a mhan just when we needed some impact -
Man Of The Moment to the power of three. From the early
Spartanesque block to rifling in the equaliser off somebody's
arse - genius - and thereon dictating the flow with intelligent
force. Thank Ghod for Calmac.
CORPUS CHRISTIE - 6.5/10
Some kind of orange boot conundrum (Hi, Mrs.Morelos!) ruffled
young Ryan but after his butler appeared on the sidelines with
heated drawing-room slippers he settled into a decent game,
tapping in a vital lead before half-time. But like previous matches,
not yet quite the rapier #10 we're going to be in crucial need of
in the next few months. His time may come; It takes time to hone
Ryan's special abilities. His Da' told me that.
THE YETI - 7.5/10
That's a tough mountain hide. And a tough ask for a player not
quite at full peak to wind among a black-clad phalanx of keep-
guards looking for openings. However, we may have found a
bargain - movement is incisive and selfless and he can roll a
brute with relish; great endeavour as we chased the game and
great finish for the eventual winner. I still think he needs a strike
partner to unleash his full powers but we'll see that soon...Again...
Hopefully...
SUBS:
JAMESY - N/A
Chuckle of the day as Lennony held him back until throwing him
on at the same time as his brother. 'Two of them?' breathed the
trembling glass collector hovering over our table, mouth agape
as she gazed up anxiously at the telly. I'd shut that if the Forrest
boys are around, love...
BITTON - N/A
Did you see him? Mossad for Mossad switch executed quick style,
boss. It never happened, capiche?
EDDIE TURNBULL - N/A
5 min at his age (deceased) is pretty good going. Building
towards a full 7 by end of year.
KLIMALA KLIMAX - 6/10
Fair enough. Ten minutes on the park, charge about, get a
yellow from the suspicious MIB with two first names (who
looked strangely attracted to him). Valiant effort is his calling
card.
ELSHAGYONLASSIE - N/A
Drew the final-moments-time-wasting-sub-straw. Kind of ambled
on and drifted a bit, tried to look interested, but.. Meh.
LENNONY - 7/10
Well, Mr.Lennony jigged the rig once more, getting his squad rotation
in with fairground waltzer affect on the armchair Steins who'll be
off like whiz-bangs at the formation.
The jokey conversation in the dressing room pre-match was along the lines
of Broon daring the bemused boss to scribble 'The Yeti' on a teamsheet,
and after a quick snatch and delivery to the ref we had one more striker
on the field of Paradise than the last home game...
But we were still set-up to attack and it showed, with decent tempo that
we just struggled to maintain because, as we all know (pay attention at
the back) ...One striker eases the burden on their defence and allows them
to loose an extra man into the middle/wing and catch us on the break.
So Lennony was going toe-to-toe at home as much as we ever will
against the likes of Livi rather than crushing them under his expensive
Dolce and Gabbana glitter heels (Don't ask...).
We hope the 3-5-2 is a prime order stymied by current fitness levels,
rather than an afterthought when public pressure is mounting. I'm almost
sure it is. So cut him some rope.
OVERALL - 7/10
Well, before you nod along wiht the hissy fits across the Celticosphere,
just remember the gallant romps of Charming Ratfink Brendan's teams
against the likes of St.Mirren away and Livi home... 0-0 and 1-1...
Saint Martin's superstar side scraping a last-kick 3-2 v Livi only thanks
to the God-Emperor, The King Of Kings...
Shit happens, and today thnakfully it didn't; three points, top of the
pile. We weren't great but we weren't awful; some things clicked well;
they scored a wonder goal and we clawed a win back from an early MIB
rabbit-punch. All's fine.
Go Away Now.
Sandman.
Sláinte
