Sandman
Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v PERTH NOT AUSTRALIA
"There is no belief, however foolish,
that will not gather its faithful adherents
who will defend it to the death."
- Isaac Asimov.
ROXIE - 7/10
Thank Ghod for Big Joe's Pornhub wrist.
Much maligned by the summer's Lev Yashin
Appreciation Society, he showed his class
with two outstanding saves you only saw
from between your fingers.
WAYNE GRETZKY - 6.5/10
Back with a rampaging moose-like presence
as he battered his way down their flank in
a first half of near constant foraging for
openings.
Good to see him at it like a beast, even
though fitness curtailed his effectiveness
deeper into the game and he subbed off.
GREGGS THE BAKER - 6/10
No longer our inverted, marauding inventive
wing-back; now he's just a full-back, and it
shows. Frustrated as everyone with his own
lack of impact, yet he'll keep at it 100%.
OF JUSTICE - 4/10
The Bhoy plays like he was away from the
squad for a season; cautious, conservative,
indecisive.
Rolled like a Gallowgate drunk and bailed
out by Joe, ponderous with the ball at his
feet - which was far too often for our
wellbeing. Good luck in the heat of Mordor;
Got seven days to find a ring to protect you...
LAGERTHA - 6/10
Two Celtic appearances, no goals, no wins,
out of a cup. Probably rivalling Wayne Biggins
for ignominious starts to a Celtic career.
Didn't put a foot wrong today defensively,
looked strong when it mattered. We'll be relying
on him for some crucial games to come; fingers
crossed he's got the Viking mindset to cope.
EDDIE TURNBULL - 4/10
The Shnake is presumably after his Geriatric
Appreciation scouting badge as Eddie gets
another chance to cement his starting case.
And drags momentum back three seasons.
Lovely footballer, ocassionally picks a
beautiful pass, makes a telling flick or two,
but today it was a 50% return on dangerous
possession as he fluffed his lines like a
silent movie star cast in the new talkies.
And he remembers those days well...
CALMAC - 5.5/10
He wanted it today, dropping into 'the hole'
like a Quarterback - that's the thrower in
the American sport of Gayer Rugby where they
dress like Pride parade bikers and big fellas
molest each other every time a pinstriped male
hooker blows his whistle.
If you manage to catch the QB and finger him
they call it sacking - because you grab him
by his sack - and throw a yellow flag at you
to show what a happy ray of sunshine you are,
or something... *
Anyway, das Kapitan scrapped for every
ball; sadly. Because in recent times he's
been afforded protection and space to play
and construct. Right now, our architect's
hustling around like a site jobber and
there's no plans to build off.
*info taken from 'Sandman's Sporting Almanac -
A Dismissive Guide To Other Sports When The
Football Season's On; And Full Of Interesting
Lies'.
THE BUILDER - 7.5/10 MOTM
Hat-trick. In another timeline. This reality
was taking the piss out of poor Matty today
as their bewitched keeper foiled him with a
few miraculous stops; from our point of view,
sitters.
But the bhoy's the shining light in the squad
at the moment - another sparkling perfromance
featuring skill and guile and ...almost... a
winning cutting edge.
YING - 7/10
Looked like MOTM and the mhan most likely to
conjure something special until he ran out of
steam.
If you know the Korean for 'gallus' drop him a
line - once he adds that to his game, and realises
the chumps around him aren't going to finish what
he started, then we may see the added conviction
to his thrilling runs that will win matches with
those excellent feet.
LORD KATSUMOTO - 5/10
Daizen rushing about, but unconvinced his workrate
will reap rewards as he ponders the uncertainties
of existence and wonders what the Buddah would do.
But he's at Spurs now, and the new shiny bosu might
be more of a baka than a kyodai.
KILLER MUSHROOM - 4/10
Well off it. One of those games where he mistimed
every run and connection, failing to hit the target
or get on the end of dangerous balls made for him.
Close to goal of the season first half, but faded.
What a day to pick.
SUBS -
ABADASS - 5/10
Might we get some sprightly matchwinning
energy? Flashes, but stuttering.
JAMESY - N/A
If only Jamesy was as lethal with his
big heid... The last man we wanted on
the end of an aerial cut back.
TONY THE TIGER - N/A
Roamed around, but couldn't find the
whiplash cross to punish them.
DIEGO ARMANDO MARADONA - N/A
You can't even count on D10S to win
it for you these days.
HACKY SACK - 5.5/10
Half an hour central but impotent and
snuffed out when we really needed him
to drive through their block.
THE SHNAKE - 5/10
Well, the game you had to win. No argument with
selection, only the evidence in front of us as
the game wore on told a story of then and now;
belief began to evaporate and intensity dropped
- not a single clear chance made in 8 minutes
of injury time.
That dressing room's going to be wondering, and
grumbling, and next week will be more than
pivotal; It'll be definitive.
MIBBERY - 3/10
He looked confused, mostly, but aside from a few
dubious awards there was no VAR drama or conflict
to test bias, and 8 minutes was a fair call for
their incessant time-wasting.
OVERALL - 5.5/10
So St.Johnstone are the perfect pre-Hun appetisier
because they're getting pumped by everyone. No they're
not.
The opening hour's zip and play was very decent, reaching
levels of excitement akin to hearing rumours that a
sinkhole had opened up under an orange walk. Then...
By dint of metaphysical synchronicity we found ourselves
in a situation similar to a few which encapsulated
the past two seasons - desperately in need of a
winner, clock about to hit the midnight hour.
Would we find that belief once again, and vindicate
the new regime? Would we fuck. Would we even make a
chance in the overtime?* (GR terminology, kids) Would
we fuck.
So... Meh. Once more.
Like last week - it's looking like being a long season,
folks. What a time to have a monumental trip to the
Ninth Circle Of Hell looming. With a central defence
whittled down to a single viking sheild maiden and a
bewildered ginger lad from County Wicklow.
The one chance we have is for PSV to tear the hole out
them and leave them with less confidence than Davie Dodds
on Love Island. 'Mon the Orangiemen...
And in between there's Thursday's terrifying Champions
League group stage draw. Once the most exciting part of
the opening months, now diminished to the faint hope that
UEFA have a smack party the night before and we end up
in a group with Craggy Island, Jossie's Giants and the
Mighty Ducks.
What a time to be alive... We said last two seasons.
Sigh.
Go Away Now
Sandman
"There is no belief, however foolish,
that will not gather its faithful adherents
who will defend it to the death."
- Isaac Asimov.
ROXIE - 7/10
Thank Ghod for Big Joe's Pornhub wrist.
Much maligned by the summer's Lev Yashin
Appreciation Society, he showed his class
with two outstanding saves you only saw
from between your fingers.
WAYNE GRETZKY - 6.5/10
Back with a rampaging moose-like presence
as he battered his way down their flank in
a first half of near constant foraging for
openings.
Good to see him at it like a beast, even
though fitness curtailed his effectiveness
deeper into the game and he subbed off.
GREGGS THE BAKER - 6/10
No longer our inverted, marauding inventive
wing-back; now he's just a full-back, and it
shows. Frustrated as everyone with his own
lack of impact, yet he'll keep at it 100%.
OF JUSTICE - 4/10
The Bhoy plays like he was away from the
squad for a season; cautious, conservative,
indecisive.
Rolled like a Gallowgate drunk and bailed
out by Joe, ponderous with the ball at his
feet - which was far too often for our
wellbeing. Good luck in the heat of Mordor;
Got seven days to find a ring to protect you...
LAGERTHA - 6/10
Two Celtic appearances, no goals, no wins,
out of a cup. Probably rivalling Wayne Biggins
for ignominious starts to a Celtic career.
Didn't put a foot wrong today defensively,
looked strong when it mattered. We'll be relying
on him for some crucial games to come; fingers
crossed he's got the Viking mindset to cope.
EDDIE TURNBULL - 4/10
The Shnake is presumably after his Geriatric
Appreciation scouting badge as Eddie gets
another chance to cement his starting case.
And drags momentum back three seasons.
Lovely footballer, ocassionally picks a
beautiful pass, makes a telling flick or two,
but today it was a 50% return on dangerous
possession as he fluffed his lines like a
silent movie star cast in the new talkies.
And he remembers those days well...
CALMAC - 5.5/10
He wanted it today, dropping into 'the hole'
like a Quarterback - that's the thrower in
the American sport of Gayer Rugby where they
dress like Pride parade bikers and big fellas
molest each other every time a pinstriped male
hooker blows his whistle.
If you manage to catch the QB and finger him
they call it sacking - because you grab him
by his sack - and throw a yellow flag at you
to show what a happy ray of sunshine you are,
or something... *
Anyway, das Kapitan scrapped for every
ball; sadly. Because in recent times he's
been afforded protection and space to play
and construct. Right now, our architect's
hustling around like a site jobber and
there's no plans to build off.
*info taken from 'Sandman's Sporting Almanac -
A Dismissive Guide To Other Sports When The
Football Season's On; And Full Of Interesting
Lies'.
THE BUILDER - 7.5/10 MOTM
Hat-trick. In another timeline. This reality
was taking the piss out of poor Matty today
as their bewitched keeper foiled him with a
few miraculous stops; from our point of view,
sitters.
But the bhoy's the shining light in the squad
at the moment - another sparkling perfromance
featuring skill and guile and ...almost... a
winning cutting edge.
YING - 7/10
Looked like MOTM and the mhan most likely to
conjure something special until he ran out of
steam.
If you know the Korean for 'gallus' drop him a
line - once he adds that to his game, and realises
the chumps around him aren't going to finish what
he started, then we may see the added conviction
to his thrilling runs that will win matches with
those excellent feet.
LORD KATSUMOTO - 5/10
Daizen rushing about, but unconvinced his workrate
will reap rewards as he ponders the uncertainties
of existence and wonders what the Buddah would do.
But he's at Spurs now, and the new shiny bosu might
be more of a baka than a kyodai.
KILLER MUSHROOM - 4/10
Well off it. One of those games where he mistimed
every run and connection, failing to hit the target
or get on the end of dangerous balls made for him.
Close to goal of the season first half, but faded.
What a day to pick.
SUBS -
ABADASS - 5/10
Might we get some sprightly matchwinning
energy? Flashes, but stuttering.
JAMESY - N/A
If only Jamesy was as lethal with his
big heid... The last man we wanted on
the end of an aerial cut back.
TONY THE TIGER - N/A
Roamed around, but couldn't find the
whiplash cross to punish them.
DIEGO ARMANDO MARADONA - N/A
You can't even count on D10S to win
it for you these days.
HACKY SACK - 5.5/10
Half an hour central but impotent and
snuffed out when we really needed him
to drive through their block.
THE SHNAKE - 5/10
Well, the game you had to win. No argument with
selection, only the evidence in front of us as
the game wore on told a story of then and now;
belief began to evaporate and intensity dropped
- not a single clear chance made in 8 minutes
of injury time.
That dressing room's going to be wondering, and
grumbling, and next week will be more than
pivotal; It'll be definitive.
MIBBERY - 3/10
He looked confused, mostly, but aside from a few
dubious awards there was no VAR drama or conflict
to test bias, and 8 minutes was a fair call for
their incessant time-wasting.
OVERALL - 5.5/10
So St.Johnstone are the perfect pre-Hun appetisier
because they're getting pumped by everyone. No they're
not.
The opening hour's zip and play was very decent, reaching
levels of excitement akin to hearing rumours that a
sinkhole had opened up under an orange walk. Then...
By dint of metaphysical synchronicity we found ourselves
in a situation similar to a few which encapsulated
the past two seasons - desperately in need of a
winner, clock about to hit the midnight hour.
Would we find that belief once again, and vindicate
the new regime? Would we fuck. Would we even make a
chance in the overtime?* (GR terminology, kids) Would
we fuck.
So... Meh. Once more.
Like last week - it's looking like being a long season,
folks. What a time to have a monumental trip to the
Ninth Circle Of Hell looming. With a central defence
whittled down to a single viking sheild maiden and a
bewildered ginger lad from County Wicklow.
The one chance we have is for PSV to tear the hole out
them and leave them with less confidence than Davie Dodds
on Love Island. 'Mon the Orangiemen...
And in between there's Thursday's terrifying Champions
League group stage draw. Once the most exciting part of
the opening months, now diminished to the faint hope that
UEFA have a smack party the night before and we end up
in a group with Craggy Island, Jossie's Giants and the
Mighty Ducks.
What a time to be alive... We said last two seasons.
Sigh.
Go Away Now
Sandman
Last edited:
