Sandman
Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v RAMMSTEIN
Joke of the week :
Q: What do you call five Huns at a party in the middle
of a pandemic lockdown, who then train with the entire
first-team, squad the following morning?
A: Nothing to see here.
BANE - 7/10
Beckenbaur impressario extraordinaire as he got bored and
played sweeper second-half. Definitely has evolved as a
footballing keeper - as can be evidenced by lack of scrotal
tingling ever time he puts a boot on the ball.
Brave safe hands at the death as he played Davy Crockett
in the team's Flashmob Theatre impromptu production of
The Alamo.
GREGGS THE BAKER - 7/10
Mr.Industry. No wonder he churns out so many rolls. Winning
detractors like me over with his sheer professional endeavour.
If he could find a cutback he'd be a world-beater. But...
He will be there when you require. No doubt his participation
will be 100%. You can only admire that ethic and stand back
and hope the hard work pays off with developing quality.
Then you get the McGrains of the world appear before your
eyes.
JONJO O'NEIL - 6.5/10
Defeat? Whit's that? Everyone needs a wee lucky mascot,
and we seem to have found one in the legendary jockey.
Five games, five wins. More baffling competence and
efficiency. Where were you when the Huns were getting
high?
AJER - 8/10 MOTM
Back on the rampage, throwing terified virgins aside;
somehow felt more secure defensively and pushed
forward at every opportunity. Wonder why that was?
This is the big bhoy who was fingered (No, Griff...) as
one of the early season want-aways. Yet this is the big
bhoy who's shown most desire and hunger to win, to
achieve, of them all.
He was a rock tonight, holding the fort, thwarting every
attempt to go through his guard like a linebacker; not so
much 'The Fridge' as The Iceman.
If there is to be any proper attempt to keep wantaway
players this summer, put him top of the list and throw
in a captain's armband.
RAQUEL - 7/10
Well, that defence sure is a lot prettier. Surprise
quick return for the young immortal beauty. Played as
if she'd never been out - another steadfast, sensible
display of unfussed defending. Coped well with late
pressure as we were on the... (what a...) rack.
(fnarr-fnarr).
And as a bonus, a controversial delicate hand thrown
into the mix when Kamberi played the ball off it. Rightly
a non-pen, but also known as a 'Hun Two-spotter' which
is immediately given in the Mordor realm, followed by a
yellow card and a later additional spot award conjoured
out of the ether.
You'd have to be a right bitter entitled Hun to froth
about such an innocuous decision. Derek Mcinnes, the
sour grappa vineyard of spitting pishness is all yours...
MAN OF - 6.5/10
Where've ye been? Well briefed by Broony as we saw
him smash anything hunnic - McCrorie got it, then the
Fergushun gene pool xenomoprph creature got a couple
of useful thwacks, before... Where ye goin'? As Lennony
reveals he doesn't read this bullshit and reprises the
McStay/Collins conundrum and sacrifices his most mobile
defensive midfielder; in order to 'consolidate'...
?
Yeah, me too...
CALMAC - 6/10
Snappy Calmac made an apprearance and we were
treated to some vintage bursts of pace and guile.
Such was his dynamic presence, I was positively vibrating
with expectation at half time. Then the second half
happened. And we didn't.
EDDIE TURNBULL - 6.5
Foot like a traction engine. Reinforced his right to be
at the point of the diamond with that thumper. Showed
some class around about it too, yet faded badly in the
second period; as did they all.
CORPUS CHRISTIE - 6/10
Hits a delivery like fucking Happy Gilmour.
Also, now CEO of the Corpus Self-Preservation Society.
Not willing to over-committ or mix it. Wembley's on the
horizon...
Against a Mcinnes side, Celtic players need to be ready
for aggro. Remarkably, remained on the park and did
eventually get in a telling block and a cultured pass or
two, but his participation somehow felt begrudged.
THE YETI - 5/10
Yes, we await notable impact but tonight his work-rate
drained their resources enough to open fleeting glimpses
of space. Hauled off prematurely as the team malfunctioned
as a whole.
FRENCH EDDY - 5.5/10
Like Jacques Coustea, loves the deep. Drifting around the
wooly backline, felt his way into it, then when the space
began to open, class came into play. Felt like he'd go on
and score, but as Aberdeen got gallus his isolation was
imposed again as service petered out and he faltered.
SUBS:
ROGIC - N/A
An ambling space-filler cameo from Oz, wondering
why he didn't get the chance to score against them
from the start. Like he always does.
BROON - 6.5/10
I wouldn't have put me on... Said Broony as he replaced
our dynamo. But he put himself about - thumping stops
and some fine needlework on Fergushun, not to mention
sacrificial defensive headbanging in the midst of the seige.
KLIMALA KLIMAX - 6/10
'Sake, Paddy - been nice to see him score that chance
but at least he utilised his pace and energy enough to
work it. I'm of the opinion he deserves a run alongside
Eddy.
ELSHAGYONLASSIE - N/A
All smile, no guile as the game battered past him.
LENNONY - 6/10
Sit down. Broon AND Soro can play in the same team.
Also, the diamond works and you need to give it time
and not panic into multi-sub-shuffling like an epileptic
coke-addict with a Rubik's Cube watching an egg timer.
There's a simple answer to why we lose control of games
we've not managed to kill off, Lennony, and it started
last summer; y'all were to busy answering the question:
'What's it like to equal legends?', when you should have
relised you were on the verge of becoming new legends
and gone full tilt for history. Ach, later, next...
OVERALL - 6/10
So what have we learned? Well, now we know the SNP
are absolutely riddled with Hun sympathisers and when
it comes to justly applying the laws of the land they're
about as trustworthy as leaving David Murray in charge
of your Damien Hirst, diamond-encrusted prosthetic leg
art piece; Huns is Huns, as yer granpappy used to tell
ye.
On the football side, we keep winning and I keep wishing
I was writing this sentence last October.
Yet tonight, more evidence our conditioning is nowhere
near the levels required to slay upstarts and win
comfortably, even slenderly, consistently. It's become
embarrasingly obvious when viewed in comparison with
the Invincibles; we were never capable of maintaining the
title-busting surges of previous seasons. More on that
another time.
Tonight, all the good stuff came in the first half and
the encouraging stuff was borne on the shoulders of
young men up for a fight.
The best of the evening came off the park, on Celtic TV
- Darren O'Dea talks the most sense of any co-commentator
ever and might make a good manager - follow him into the
showers, someone...
Whilst Tosh McKinlay provided the hilarity by rocking up
looking like a meth-head Peaky Blinder.
On we got to the Heelands in search of six, ironically
closing on a ten we won't really care about...
Go Away Now
Sandman.
Joke of the week :
Q: What do you call five Huns at a party in the middle
of a pandemic lockdown, who then train with the entire
first-team, squad the following morning?
A: Nothing to see here.
BANE - 7/10
Beckenbaur impressario extraordinaire as he got bored and
played sweeper second-half. Definitely has evolved as a
footballing keeper - as can be evidenced by lack of scrotal
tingling ever time he puts a boot on the ball.
Brave safe hands at the death as he played Davy Crockett
in the team's Flashmob Theatre impromptu production of
The Alamo.
GREGGS THE BAKER - 7/10
Mr.Industry. No wonder he churns out so many rolls. Winning
detractors like me over with his sheer professional endeavour.
If he could find a cutback he'd be a world-beater. But...
He will be there when you require. No doubt his participation
will be 100%. You can only admire that ethic and stand back
and hope the hard work pays off with developing quality.
Then you get the McGrains of the world appear before your
eyes.
JONJO O'NEIL - 6.5/10
Defeat? Whit's that? Everyone needs a wee lucky mascot,
and we seem to have found one in the legendary jockey.
Five games, five wins. More baffling competence and
efficiency. Where were you when the Huns were getting
high?
AJER - 8/10 MOTM
Back on the rampage, throwing terified virgins aside;
somehow felt more secure defensively and pushed
forward at every opportunity. Wonder why that was?
This is the big bhoy who was fingered (No, Griff...) as
one of the early season want-aways. Yet this is the big
bhoy who's shown most desire and hunger to win, to
achieve, of them all.
He was a rock tonight, holding the fort, thwarting every
attempt to go through his guard like a linebacker; not so
much 'The Fridge' as The Iceman.
If there is to be any proper attempt to keep wantaway
players this summer, put him top of the list and throw
in a captain's armband.
RAQUEL - 7/10
Well, that defence sure is a lot prettier. Surprise
quick return for the young immortal beauty. Played as
if she'd never been out - another steadfast, sensible
display of unfussed defending. Coped well with late
pressure as we were on the... (what a...) rack.
(fnarr-fnarr).
And as a bonus, a controversial delicate hand thrown
into the mix when Kamberi played the ball off it. Rightly
a non-pen, but also known as a 'Hun Two-spotter' which
is immediately given in the Mordor realm, followed by a
yellow card and a later additional spot award conjoured
out of the ether.
You'd have to be a right bitter entitled Hun to froth
about such an innocuous decision. Derek Mcinnes, the
sour grappa vineyard of spitting pishness is all yours...
MAN OF - 6.5/10
Where've ye been? Well briefed by Broony as we saw
him smash anything hunnic - McCrorie got it, then the
Fergushun gene pool xenomoprph creature got a couple
of useful thwacks, before... Where ye goin'? As Lennony
reveals he doesn't read this bullshit and reprises the
McStay/Collins conundrum and sacrifices his most mobile
defensive midfielder; in order to 'consolidate'...
?
Yeah, me too...
CALMAC - 6/10
Snappy Calmac made an apprearance and we were
treated to some vintage bursts of pace and guile.
Such was his dynamic presence, I was positively vibrating
with expectation at half time. Then the second half
happened. And we didn't.
EDDIE TURNBULL - 6.5
Foot like a traction engine. Reinforced his right to be
at the point of the diamond with that thumper. Showed
some class around about it too, yet faded badly in the
second period; as did they all.
CORPUS CHRISTIE - 6/10
Hits a delivery like fucking Happy Gilmour.
Also, now CEO of the Corpus Self-Preservation Society.
Not willing to over-committ or mix it. Wembley's on the
horizon...
Against a Mcinnes side, Celtic players need to be ready
for aggro. Remarkably, remained on the park and did
eventually get in a telling block and a cultured pass or
two, but his participation somehow felt begrudged.
THE YETI - 5/10
Yes, we await notable impact but tonight his work-rate
drained their resources enough to open fleeting glimpses
of space. Hauled off prematurely as the team malfunctioned
as a whole.
FRENCH EDDY - 5.5/10
Like Jacques Coustea, loves the deep. Drifting around the
wooly backline, felt his way into it, then when the space
began to open, class came into play. Felt like he'd go on
and score, but as Aberdeen got gallus his isolation was
imposed again as service petered out and he faltered.
SUBS:
ROGIC - N/A
An ambling space-filler cameo from Oz, wondering
why he didn't get the chance to score against them
from the start. Like he always does.
BROON - 6.5/10
I wouldn't have put me on... Said Broony as he replaced
our dynamo. But he put himself about - thumping stops
and some fine needlework on Fergushun, not to mention
sacrificial defensive headbanging in the midst of the seige.
KLIMALA KLIMAX - 6/10
'Sake, Paddy - been nice to see him score that chance
but at least he utilised his pace and energy enough to
work it. I'm of the opinion he deserves a run alongside
Eddy.
ELSHAGYONLASSIE - N/A
All smile, no guile as the game battered past him.
LENNONY - 6/10
Sit down. Broon AND Soro can play in the same team.
Also, the diamond works and you need to give it time
and not panic into multi-sub-shuffling like an epileptic
coke-addict with a Rubik's Cube watching an egg timer.
There's a simple answer to why we lose control of games
we've not managed to kill off, Lennony, and it started
last summer; y'all were to busy answering the question:
'What's it like to equal legends?', when you should have
relised you were on the verge of becoming new legends
and gone full tilt for history. Ach, later, next...
OVERALL - 6/10
So what have we learned? Well, now we know the SNP
are absolutely riddled with Hun sympathisers and when
it comes to justly applying the laws of the land they're
about as trustworthy as leaving David Murray in charge
of your Damien Hirst, diamond-encrusted prosthetic leg
art piece; Huns is Huns, as yer granpappy used to tell
ye.
On the football side, we keep winning and I keep wishing
I was writing this sentence last October.
Yet tonight, more evidence our conditioning is nowhere
near the levels required to slay upstarts and win
comfortably, even slenderly, consistently. It's become
embarrasingly obvious when viewed in comparison with
the Invincibles; we were never capable of maintaining the
title-busting surges of previous seasons. More on that
another time.
Tonight, all the good stuff came in the first half and
the encouraging stuff was borne on the shoulders of
young men up for a fight.
The best of the evening came off the park, on Celtic TV
- Darren O'Dea talks the most sense of any co-commentator
ever and might make a good manager - follow him into the
showers, someone...
Whilst Tosh McKinlay provided the hilarity by rocking up
looking like a meth-head Peaky Blinder.
On we got to the Heelands in search of six, ironically
closing on a ten we won't really care about...
Go Away Now
Sandman.
we had to watch Celtic TV should put you on at least we’ll get Entertained 
then they lose 3 other games and suddenly they are in trouble. I love my dreams 
