Sandman
Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v SECOND SONS
The Rangers International Soccerball Club announcement:
"As our poor Sevco boys cannae concentrate for the moany
noise, His right honourable Mister Dignified Slippy Gerrad
has come up with a second-half of the season masterplan -
As of Xmas 2021, there will be a re-allocation of season
tickets. The total quantity issued for the run-in will be
just 2.
One for the deef, dumb and blind auld fella behind the
dugoot (A Mr.Bell?) and one for his guide dug.
And the dug only gets one on the condition it doesn't
bark."
ROXIE - 6.5/10
What's a showgal to do with all that spare time?
Well, conveniently, Roxie's speciality is hair-washing
and for the first 45 she went through the full perm
and blow-dry whilst enjoying the atmosphere.
Later, things got tricky as her escorts abandoned her
to the fates and rather than bringing the house down
like Thursday, the roof nearly caved in on her.
No chance with the goals but good feet and confident
handling.
GREGGS THE BAKER - 6.5/10
On it properly again. This inverted full-back
role is bringing out a player in him. This was
another solid and sometimes spectacular
contribution deserving of his jersey.
"I'm a midfielder, I'm a midfielder!" Not you're
not; Calm doon, Greggs, but keep on-task and
maintain the good work.
TONY THE TIGER - 6/10
Hunting Halliday was his first-half sport and
a few scary lunges got put in, much to the crowd's
relish.
Then the ex-Hun uber-wank hid in the janny's
cupboard at half-time and Tony turned his attention
to the game where his shift was almost faultless,
bar getting caught out of position ocassionally as
he attempted to play FEMA to Star Lord's meltdowns.
RAQUEL - 7/10
What a rack! I mean, header. For any youngsters
watching - she was the original technicolor
adventure babe. And that was also perfect
technique. Strong presence all game; defensively
she's improving but can't be expected to
compentsate for others' calamities...
STAR LORD - 4.5/10
No nightmares in maroon this time around.
What a difference a fortnight makes...Erm...
Then the second-half came round and it appeared
Thanos had hit him with a stun-ray. We got the
Sunday League Special #2 as he again ignored
every hungover defender's basic mantra - 'Better
out the park than in the net.'
And moments later he threw in a Shane Duffy
commemorative backpass. One to watch through
gritted teeth. Stop thinking so much, and play.
CALMAC - 7.5/10
Revelling in his command. Designed by Lamborghini,
we got another dynamic afternoon of prompting and
midfield dominance. This resurgent Calmac is a new
luxury model compared to last season's Trabant.
Worth a hundred Lambos.
ROGIC - 7/10
The Australian Fred Astaire, linking beatifully
with his Ginger Jap partner. It's a tantalising
delight when you realise his touch is in and
he's on the ball in a dangerous area; elicits
the reaction all great lapdancers strive for...
This rebirth is like Mad Max 2 - not what you
expected after the first, but loving the full-on
futuristic Oz shorn-heid neopunk frenzy.
EDDIE TURNBULL - 6.5/10
Awoke from his afternoon nap around the fifteenth
minute and segued out his bathchair straight into
a silken midfield display.
Sadly faded somewhat after half-time which allowed
them to gain a foothold in the middle, but he's
still drifting with more threat; just needs to
make his moments count.
JAMESY - 6.5/10
Jamesy's been so damn lively as he maintains his
comeback momentum that defences can barley contain
him. And we all all know Jamesy can barely contain
himself...
Fee blindfolds for the ladies and insecure had
been laid out along front row seats in case Jamesy
struck again, but today he had to be satisfied with
playing jockstrap - something he rarely wears - and
his supporting role paid dividends with great play
for the opener and overall liveliness to trouble
the Diets all match.
FRENCH EDDY - 7/10
'Get out there, and get yerself sold,' instructed
Big Ange. And after announcing himself with a yellow
for an 'Ayebrokes penalty fall', his quality came
into play.
Lovely run and finish for the first, and may have
had many more but for not Fucking Good Enough For
Celtic Anymore Craig Gordon - cost me a Calmac from
outside box goal; fiver at 25/1 - and a slight loss
of edge in his confidence.
But having a partner up front with him certainly
provided lots of excitement and opportunity. Fancy
that, Lennony, eh?
MR.KOBAYASHI - 8/10 MOTM
Don't let this man near a Mitsibushi Zero.
He'll happily and honourably die for the cause.
He's here, he's there, he's everyfkcnwhere.
Had the Pretendy Huns defensive thugs trying to
ninja him off the ball, then had them chasing
shadows when he darted into pockets of space.
All-energy, all-motion and deadly with it.
Glorious find by Ange. Maybe, like the Yanks
found out at Iwo Jima, there's even more
Japanese warriors to come...
SUBS:
FIELD MARSHALL - 6/10
The Bhoy's game - likes to make an impact with
his time and was within a firm heid of scoring.
MAN OF - N/A
A leg-stretcher for someone we expect to play
a big holding role on Wednesday.
THE YETI - N/A
Confident? I'd be more confident in the actual
Abominable Snowman being clean through. Spooked
out of it like he'd just seen a palm tree
sprout up the himalayas.
McCARTHYISM - N/A
He'll find the Reds under your bed, and he'll
stop the maroons upsetting the toon. A lifetime
ambition fulfilled for a tidy, happy, born Tim.
ANITA DOBSON - 7.5/10
Ange will test your bravery. Can you keep
watching as his dynamic set-ups provide
thrilling encounters?
Can you keep watching as the inevitable fatigue
slump allows the outplayed dross undeserved
openings?
Course you can, because it's what we ask of a
Celtic side and longtime lacking since Lennony
let them lose their way.
He will get found out at sometime, but as long
as that's by superior opposition and we cultivate
something from the experience to strengthen
going forward, well, I can live with that.
Meantime, flip a Kangaburger onto the barbie and
enjoy the ride.
"We'll just bloody score more goals than you,
mayte. Now, crack us open a Castlemain FUCK..."
OVERALL - 7.5/10
"Go home ya wee Huns, go home..."
Well, they would have if there was any there.
A reciprocation ("But it's nae fair, eh?")
of non-ticket allocation meant the stench from
below the Polis Control Box was mercifully absent.
Hope they had a lovely afternoon in the shithole
alehouses of Gorgie getting chibbed by Begbie.
The Celts pumped them 3-2, running riot like a
squad of velociraptors loosed on a cattle ranch.
Could have been six or seven.
Trouble is, we're too polite and courteously
allowed them a couple of chinks of light to
alleviate the murk they reside in.
Still, it's only mid-August, and the contrast
from July's end is stark - this Celtic side is
getting up to speed with games to spare.
Expectations are tilting towards feverish on
the back of scintillating displays. We've hit
a bullrun before Bitcoin can, but note there's
always a retrace in any surging asset - don't
lose faith when it comes - we'll just be
retesting support before we go again.
This revitalised Celtic side looks like it's
heading towards all-time highs; going to be
some ride.
Hodl! (sic)
Go Away Now
Sandman.
The Rangers International Soccerball Club announcement:
"As our poor Sevco boys cannae concentrate for the moany
noise, His right honourable Mister Dignified Slippy Gerrad
has come up with a second-half of the season masterplan -
As of Xmas 2021, there will be a re-allocation of season
tickets. The total quantity issued for the run-in will be
just 2.
One for the deef, dumb and blind auld fella behind the
dugoot (A Mr.Bell?) and one for his guide dug.
And the dug only gets one on the condition it doesn't
bark."
ROXIE - 6.5/10
What's a showgal to do with all that spare time?
Well, conveniently, Roxie's speciality is hair-washing
and for the first 45 she went through the full perm
and blow-dry whilst enjoying the atmosphere.
Later, things got tricky as her escorts abandoned her
to the fates and rather than bringing the house down
like Thursday, the roof nearly caved in on her.
No chance with the goals but good feet and confident
handling.
GREGGS THE BAKER - 6.5/10
On it properly again. This inverted full-back
role is bringing out a player in him. This was
another solid and sometimes spectacular
contribution deserving of his jersey.
"I'm a midfielder, I'm a midfielder!" Not you're
not; Calm doon, Greggs, but keep on-task and
maintain the good work.
TONY THE TIGER - 6/10
Hunting Halliday was his first-half sport and
a few scary lunges got put in, much to the crowd's
relish.
Then the ex-Hun uber-wank hid in the janny's
cupboard at half-time and Tony turned his attention
to the game where his shift was almost faultless,
bar getting caught out of position ocassionally as
he attempted to play FEMA to Star Lord's meltdowns.
RAQUEL - 7/10
What a rack! I mean, header. For any youngsters
watching - she was the original technicolor
adventure babe. And that was also perfect
technique. Strong presence all game; defensively
she's improving but can't be expected to
compentsate for others' calamities...
STAR LORD - 4.5/10
No nightmares in maroon this time around.
What a difference a fortnight makes...Erm...
Then the second-half came round and it appeared
Thanos had hit him with a stun-ray. We got the
Sunday League Special #2 as he again ignored
every hungover defender's basic mantra - 'Better
out the park than in the net.'
And moments later he threw in a Shane Duffy
commemorative backpass. One to watch through
gritted teeth. Stop thinking so much, and play.
CALMAC - 7.5/10
Revelling in his command. Designed by Lamborghini,
we got another dynamic afternoon of prompting and
midfield dominance. This resurgent Calmac is a new
luxury model compared to last season's Trabant.
Worth a hundred Lambos.
ROGIC - 7/10
The Australian Fred Astaire, linking beatifully
with his Ginger Jap partner. It's a tantalising
delight when you realise his touch is in and
he's on the ball in a dangerous area; elicits
the reaction all great lapdancers strive for...
This rebirth is like Mad Max 2 - not what you
expected after the first, but loving the full-on
futuristic Oz shorn-heid neopunk frenzy.
EDDIE TURNBULL - 6.5/10
Awoke from his afternoon nap around the fifteenth
minute and segued out his bathchair straight into
a silken midfield display.
Sadly faded somewhat after half-time which allowed
them to gain a foothold in the middle, but he's
still drifting with more threat; just needs to
make his moments count.
JAMESY - 6.5/10
Jamesy's been so damn lively as he maintains his
comeback momentum that defences can barley contain
him. And we all all know Jamesy can barely contain
himself...
Fee blindfolds for the ladies and insecure had
been laid out along front row seats in case Jamesy
struck again, but today he had to be satisfied with
playing jockstrap - something he rarely wears - and
his supporting role paid dividends with great play
for the opener and overall liveliness to trouble
the Diets all match.
FRENCH EDDY - 7/10
'Get out there, and get yerself sold,' instructed
Big Ange. And after announcing himself with a yellow
for an 'Ayebrokes penalty fall', his quality came
into play.
Lovely run and finish for the first, and may have
had many more but for not Fucking Good Enough For
Celtic Anymore Craig Gordon - cost me a Calmac from
outside box goal; fiver at 25/1 - and a slight loss
of edge in his confidence.
But having a partner up front with him certainly
provided lots of excitement and opportunity. Fancy
that, Lennony, eh?
MR.KOBAYASHI - 8/10 MOTM
Don't let this man near a Mitsibushi Zero.
He'll happily and honourably die for the cause.
He's here, he's there, he's everyfkcnwhere.
Had the Pretendy Huns defensive thugs trying to
ninja him off the ball, then had them chasing
shadows when he darted into pockets of space.
All-energy, all-motion and deadly with it.
Glorious find by Ange. Maybe, like the Yanks
found out at Iwo Jima, there's even more
Japanese warriors to come...
SUBS:
FIELD MARSHALL - 6/10
The Bhoy's game - likes to make an impact with
his time and was within a firm heid of scoring.
MAN OF - N/A
A leg-stretcher for someone we expect to play
a big holding role on Wednesday.
THE YETI - N/A
Confident? I'd be more confident in the actual
Abominable Snowman being clean through. Spooked
out of it like he'd just seen a palm tree
sprout up the himalayas.
McCARTHYISM - N/A
He'll find the Reds under your bed, and he'll
stop the maroons upsetting the toon. A lifetime
ambition fulfilled for a tidy, happy, born Tim.
ANITA DOBSON - 7.5/10
Ange will test your bravery. Can you keep
watching as his dynamic set-ups provide
thrilling encounters?
Can you keep watching as the inevitable fatigue
slump allows the outplayed dross undeserved
openings?
Course you can, because it's what we ask of a
Celtic side and longtime lacking since Lennony
let them lose their way.
He will get found out at sometime, but as long
as that's by superior opposition and we cultivate
something from the experience to strengthen
going forward, well, I can live with that.
Meantime, flip a Kangaburger onto the barbie and
enjoy the ride.
"We'll just bloody score more goals than you,
mayte. Now, crack us open a Castlemain FUCK..."
OVERALL - 7.5/10
"Go home ya wee Huns, go home..."
Well, they would have if there was any there.
A reciprocation ("But it's nae fair, eh?")
of non-ticket allocation meant the stench from
below the Polis Control Box was mercifully absent.
Hope they had a lovely afternoon in the shithole
alehouses of Gorgie getting chibbed by Begbie.
The Celts pumped them 3-2, running riot like a
squad of velociraptors loosed on a cattle ranch.
Could have been six or seven.
Trouble is, we're too polite and courteously
allowed them a couple of chinks of light to
alleviate the murk they reside in.
Still, it's only mid-August, and the contrast
from July's end is stark - this Celtic side is
getting up to speed with games to spare.
Expectations are tilting towards feverish on
the back of scintillating displays. We've hit
a bullrun before Bitcoin can, but note there's
always a retrace in any surging asset - don't
lose faith when it comes - we'll just be
retesting support before we go again.
This revitalised Celtic side looks like it's
heading towards all-time highs; going to be
some ride.
Hodl! (sic)
Go Away Now
Sandman.
Slàinte
