Sandman
Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v SHEPHERDLESS FLOCKERS
"The visions are clear now - I see possible futures all at
once. Our enemies are all around us, and in so many futures,
they prevail. But I do see a way. There is a narrow way
through; Penalties. Fucking penalties..."
- Paul Atreides, 'Dune'.
ROXIE - 7/10
Legends are born on the ancient Hamdump field of dreams.
Mad bastards have their moments too. Our combined mentalist
goalkeeping hero defied logic and reality in a penalty
shootout designed to overflow the Victoria Infirmary
cardiac unit.
He'd saved the skins a couple of times in the game and
also initiated palpitations as the defence re-enacted
sketches from the 70s Carry On movies.
But Joe is Joe, a gentleman footballer and absolute
loveable rocket, whose vast experience in the game
accumulated new wacky highlights in the maddest few
seconds we've witnessed since Mick Lustig joined the
Glasgow polis.
Fittingly, he now gets to finish his fantastic career against
a May backdrop of fenian glory. Fingers crossed...
GREGGS THE BAKER - 5.5/10
Lacking his usual influence on proceedings, though the
graft was there as ever. Unusually ineffective in his
forays upfiled and got mugged a couple of times, being
partly culpable at their two sickeners as his lack of
stature was exploited.
WAYNE GRETZKY - 6.5/10
He's keeping up his relentless approach to the season's
end. Linked well with Kuhn, gave them near-terminal
problems with his overlapping, and but for a few flukey
breaks would have succeeded in providing killer blows.
Only faults lay in his indecision when left one-on-one
with their tricky sub, who twice got the ball in for
their equalisers due to AJ not shutting him off early.
OF JUSTICE - 5/10
Nope. Great under no pressure, can pick a pass with
his gilded left peg. But was criminally negligent twice,
caught ball-watching as their scorers drifted off him
to notch those backpost headers. Had plenty time to
see it coming and set accordingly. Especially after being
done once.
He's gotten stale, lost the sharp stoicism that marked
his early season prowess. At Mordor, now at Hampden,
he's been possibly the main reason we haven't seen wins
out.
GET CARTER - 6/10
On the rocks first half as the 'striker not good enough
for Celtic' led him in a polka, unsettling the Rock's
foundations. Recovered well for the rest of the game
but got away with one when their penalty-not-penalty
was called. Just toepoke it out. Can't swing in the box
these days. (No, Jamesy...)
CALMAC - 6/10
Looked like he was needing more recovery time. The baton
was limp in his wrist as he tried to conduct the orchestra
but hit too many bum notes with his sharpness not quite up
to pace.
A few more minutes on the park, injury-free, and he's ticking
over at full revs for the last hurrahs.
THE BUILDER - 7/10
It took him a while but finally the handsome bhoy scored
the handsomest of goals to win it. No, nearly...
He couldn't find his rhythm for an hour then with Reo
providing the cue, he drifted into the game with venomous
effect, carrying us through extra-time and also nailed a sweet
pen. Another who will get a fabulous send-off before his
summer departure.
HAKUNA HATATE - 6.5/10
Wait! No! Jesus wept... Subbed as he was hitting top gear.
Absent all first 45, Reo found the golden pocket for the
second, began to torment and carve them open. Then was
crazily hooked before the Sheep were completely sheared.
YING - 4/10
Another big chance, another chin-scratching oddity of a
performance. Jinked in and out, when jinking wasn't the
option. Put himself about but not sure if this just wasn't
his day, or he's actually a pish Korean Mikey J. Time will
tell. Not sure how much more he'll get, though.
KILLER MUSHROOM - 6.5/10
The wee mhan rescues the day. Smuggled that equaliser
from their dithering centre half in true stealthy Kyogo
fashion.
Came close himself, but notably the finest Kyogo chances
started to fall for us after he'd been subbed.
TAKINTE - 7.5/10 MOTM
In my opinion - which is definitive, so roon yeez - he was
the only Hooped hero who was on it from the first whistle
until his premature replacement. Lively and inventive with
some sparky bursts and skillfully-clipped passes.
Even took a bloody nose but came back for more; a sign the
bhoy's near as dammit back at fighting weight and ready to
comptete properly.
Feels like a player with bags of potential just needing a
right good short break and thorough pre-season for
optimum returns. Today was a very promising contribution
in a big game; exciting partnership with AJ in development.
SUBS -
DUNCAN IDAHO - 6/10
No rub of the green (and white) for the big bhoy today -
thwarted by flags and fluffs. But kudos for the baws to
smack in the first in the shootout with aplomb.
JAMESY - 7/10
"Call themselves shaggers dae they? Wait until they getta
loada this... Shagged ye!"
The indomitable Jamesy - Celtic legend, Hunskelper,
glass-collector's nightmare.
What a goal, a stunner - Stauner! - carved from the remnants
of a prior effort when he got his sights set just minutes
before.
Detractors should have known that in any given season, when
any given magic moment is required, ye can't keep Jamesy down.
Quite literally, ladies...
TONIO IWATAO - 6.5/10
Upon his arrival, we looked more solid, comfortable and
midfield domination ensued as he linked up with Reo.
He does that DM job very well. And, my Ghod, what a fine
penalty. You thought he was the one to miss, didn't ye?
Well, I fucking did...Phew.
SAINT BERNARDO - 6/10
The O'Reilly twin was unusually lacking in impact during
the course of play as he chased around like a stray dug in
a balloon factory. But another bhoy deserving of acclaim
for managing to knock - well, scrape... - in a shootout kick.
APOLLO CREED - N/A
Where were you when we needed you most? Like, at least
half an hour earlier.
BRIAN DE - 5.5/10
Still can't cross a ball with regular efficiency, frustrating
more often than not today - but allowances for sub appearance
lag, and praise for a clinically-dispatched penalty.
THE SHNAKE - 6/10
Well, you got the luck of the Irish. Poor substitutions
that broke up our control of the second-half. Yes, I know
Calmac was on limited time, but to switch out Reo as well...
And Jamesy's experienced heid (the big one), hooked at
the death when he was the best out-ball.
Poor choice of starters at the back as I've moaned about.
Maybe got too much faith in the wrong players right now.
Will he have learned? It's taken nine months to underline
the importance of the Japanese, and the need for maintaining
an increase in tempo. He's got just six more games to get
it right and end the tempestuous season a hero (ish...).
MIBBERY - 3/10
Nobody could see the pitchside monitor for jizz after
their two late equalisers, so 4th official Bargain Cunt
was, like the Dons goalie, spent by the climactic shootout.
The only minor miracles of the day were the reluctance to
award them penalties for a Goldsonball and CCV
decapitating a striker in the box.
OVERALL - 6.5/10
Who was confident? Well, me, barely. Though the warning
signs were there - wandering Sheep causing chaos, with nothing
to lose and massive slices of luck keeping them from the slaughter.
A semi-final amid a tense title run-in, against an off-kilter
but unpredictable Aberdeen side was not exactly the recipe
for stress relief:
Very much like the last day of primary school when everyone
brings in games to play and it's all entertaining fun until
you get your best Subbuteo player broken and an inter-class
faction fracas breaks out into good old-fashioned, chair-throwing
fisticuffs, until it turns sinister and Tam McShug gets stabbed
in the thigh with the business end of a geometry protractor.
Yep, it was exactly that sort of darkly-exciting afternoon.
It showed just how much we miss Daizen's energy and will be
a factor needing addressed to win the double. We started slow
and paid the price until we shook ourselves down and re-booted.
A cup football blueprint it was not.
However, semis are all about getting to the next phase - or
'base', as Jamesy would put it - simply making the final
for a prospective day of glory.
And we did it. And the Hampden sunshine now awaits a portentious
season's finale against whatever band of degenerates wins the
Oopah-Loompah civil war tomorrow.
Go Away Now
Sandman
"The visions are clear now - I see possible futures all at
once. Our enemies are all around us, and in so many futures,
they prevail. But I do see a way. There is a narrow way
through; Penalties. Fucking penalties..."
- Paul Atreides, 'Dune'.
ROXIE - 7/10
Legends are born on the ancient Hamdump field of dreams.
Mad bastards have their moments too. Our combined mentalist
goalkeeping hero defied logic and reality in a penalty
shootout designed to overflow the Victoria Infirmary
cardiac unit.
He'd saved the skins a couple of times in the game and
also initiated palpitations as the defence re-enacted
sketches from the 70s Carry On movies.
But Joe is Joe, a gentleman footballer and absolute
loveable rocket, whose vast experience in the game
accumulated new wacky highlights in the maddest few
seconds we've witnessed since Mick Lustig joined the
Glasgow polis.
Fittingly, he now gets to finish his fantastic career against
a May backdrop of fenian glory. Fingers crossed...
GREGGS THE BAKER - 5.5/10
Lacking his usual influence on proceedings, though the
graft was there as ever. Unusually ineffective in his
forays upfiled and got mugged a couple of times, being
partly culpable at their two sickeners as his lack of
stature was exploited.
WAYNE GRETZKY - 6.5/10
He's keeping up his relentless approach to the season's
end. Linked well with Kuhn, gave them near-terminal
problems with his overlapping, and but for a few flukey
breaks would have succeeded in providing killer blows.
Only faults lay in his indecision when left one-on-one
with their tricky sub, who twice got the ball in for
their equalisers due to AJ not shutting him off early.
OF JUSTICE - 5/10
Nope. Great under no pressure, can pick a pass with
his gilded left peg. But was criminally negligent twice,
caught ball-watching as their scorers drifted off him
to notch those backpost headers. Had plenty time to
see it coming and set accordingly. Especially after being
done once.
He's gotten stale, lost the sharp stoicism that marked
his early season prowess. At Mordor, now at Hampden,
he's been possibly the main reason we haven't seen wins
out.
GET CARTER - 6/10
On the rocks first half as the 'striker not good enough
for Celtic' led him in a polka, unsettling the Rock's
foundations. Recovered well for the rest of the game
but got away with one when their penalty-not-penalty
was called. Just toepoke it out. Can't swing in the box
these days. (No, Jamesy...)
CALMAC - 6/10
Looked like he was needing more recovery time. The baton
was limp in his wrist as he tried to conduct the orchestra
but hit too many bum notes with his sharpness not quite up
to pace.
A few more minutes on the park, injury-free, and he's ticking
over at full revs for the last hurrahs.
THE BUILDER - 7/10
It took him a while but finally the handsome bhoy scored
the handsomest of goals to win it. No, nearly...
He couldn't find his rhythm for an hour then with Reo
providing the cue, he drifted into the game with venomous
effect, carrying us through extra-time and also nailed a sweet
pen. Another who will get a fabulous send-off before his
summer departure.
HAKUNA HATATE - 6.5/10
Wait! No! Jesus wept... Subbed as he was hitting top gear.
Absent all first 45, Reo found the golden pocket for the
second, began to torment and carve them open. Then was
crazily hooked before the Sheep were completely sheared.
YING - 4/10
Another big chance, another chin-scratching oddity of a
performance. Jinked in and out, when jinking wasn't the
option. Put himself about but not sure if this just wasn't
his day, or he's actually a pish Korean Mikey J. Time will
tell. Not sure how much more he'll get, though.
KILLER MUSHROOM - 6.5/10
The wee mhan rescues the day. Smuggled that equaliser
from their dithering centre half in true stealthy Kyogo
fashion.
Came close himself, but notably the finest Kyogo chances
started to fall for us after he'd been subbed.
TAKINTE - 7.5/10 MOTM
In my opinion - which is definitive, so roon yeez - he was
the only Hooped hero who was on it from the first whistle
until his premature replacement. Lively and inventive with
some sparky bursts and skillfully-clipped passes.
Even took a bloody nose but came back for more; a sign the
bhoy's near as dammit back at fighting weight and ready to
comptete properly.
Feels like a player with bags of potential just needing a
right good short break and thorough pre-season for
optimum returns. Today was a very promising contribution
in a big game; exciting partnership with AJ in development.
SUBS -
DUNCAN IDAHO - 6/10
No rub of the green (and white) for the big bhoy today -
thwarted by flags and fluffs. But kudos for the baws to
smack in the first in the shootout with aplomb.
JAMESY - 7/10
"Call themselves shaggers dae they? Wait until they getta
loada this... Shagged ye!"
The indomitable Jamesy - Celtic legend, Hunskelper,
glass-collector's nightmare.
What a goal, a stunner - Stauner! - carved from the remnants
of a prior effort when he got his sights set just minutes
before.
Detractors should have known that in any given season, when
any given magic moment is required, ye can't keep Jamesy down.
Quite literally, ladies...
TONIO IWATAO - 6.5/10
Upon his arrival, we looked more solid, comfortable and
midfield domination ensued as he linked up with Reo.
He does that DM job very well. And, my Ghod, what a fine
penalty. You thought he was the one to miss, didn't ye?
Well, I fucking did...Phew.
SAINT BERNARDO - 6/10
The O'Reilly twin was unusually lacking in impact during
the course of play as he chased around like a stray dug in
a balloon factory. But another bhoy deserving of acclaim
for managing to knock - well, scrape... - in a shootout kick.
APOLLO CREED - N/A
Where were you when we needed you most? Like, at least
half an hour earlier.
BRIAN DE - 5.5/10
Still can't cross a ball with regular efficiency, frustrating
more often than not today - but allowances for sub appearance
lag, and praise for a clinically-dispatched penalty.
THE SHNAKE - 6/10
Well, you got the luck of the Irish. Poor substitutions
that broke up our control of the second-half. Yes, I know
Calmac was on limited time, but to switch out Reo as well...
And Jamesy's experienced heid (the big one), hooked at
the death when he was the best out-ball.
Poor choice of starters at the back as I've moaned about.
Maybe got too much faith in the wrong players right now.
Will he have learned? It's taken nine months to underline
the importance of the Japanese, and the need for maintaining
an increase in tempo. He's got just six more games to get
it right and end the tempestuous season a hero (ish...).
MIBBERY - 3/10
Nobody could see the pitchside monitor for jizz after
their two late equalisers, so 4th official Bargain Cunt
was, like the Dons goalie, spent by the climactic shootout.
The only minor miracles of the day were the reluctance to
award them penalties for a Goldsonball and CCV
decapitating a striker in the box.
OVERALL - 6.5/10
Who was confident? Well, me, barely. Though the warning
signs were there - wandering Sheep causing chaos, with nothing
to lose and massive slices of luck keeping them from the slaughter.
A semi-final amid a tense title run-in, against an off-kilter
but unpredictable Aberdeen side was not exactly the recipe
for stress relief:
Very much like the last day of primary school when everyone
brings in games to play and it's all entertaining fun until
you get your best Subbuteo player broken and an inter-class
faction fracas breaks out into good old-fashioned, chair-throwing
fisticuffs, until it turns sinister and Tam McShug gets stabbed
in the thigh with the business end of a geometry protractor.
Yep, it was exactly that sort of darkly-exciting afternoon.
It showed just how much we miss Daizen's energy and will be
a factor needing addressed to win the double. We started slow
and paid the price until we shook ourselves down and re-booted.
A cup football blueprint it was not.
However, semis are all about getting to the next phase - or
'base', as Jamesy would put it - simply making the final
for a prospective day of glory.
And we did it. And the Hampden sunshine now awaits a portentious
season's finale against whatever band of degenerates wins the
Oopah-Loompah civil war tomorrow.
Go Away Now
Sandman
Slàinte
