Sandman
Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v SPAWN OF VOLDEMORT
"Muh?..Bad Alfie say NUH!...Bad Alfie say Hibbee bassa say,
'Alfie, you hair like a skunk pussy, mufucka'. So Bad Alfie
MMA Hibbee bassa and black fenian bassa show Bad Alfie red
picture and Gringo Von Binghitler say you Bad Alfie! to Bad Alfie.
Bad Alfie no happy. When pie shop open?"
- Alfredo Morelos post-game controversial press conference
excerpt.
ROXIE - 7/10
You need a girl on her game when the spotlight swings
her way, and today we knew we had security after a
smart first-half save from a tricky zipped cross-shot.
Second period, he exerted the command and decision-making
of an experienced pro, not missing a punch, good anticipation,
quick of fhis line and quick to let this defence know
the score; reassuringly boss-like.
JURAN JURAN - 6.5/10
He's getting there, in bursts of quality. Pacy countering
up that right flank gives opponents nightmares, flashing
feet and a thirst for penalty-box action turns low-blocks
into skittled chaos.
We're not seeing consistent energy over the 90 yet, but
the feeling is that he'll work to a mid-season World Cup
peak.
GREGGS THE BAKER - 5.5/10
A pass for persistence. But unlike the 2 sausage rolls
of his I had for my hangover breakfast, he was far from
hot.
Every pass took a nick, most touches were heavy, thought
process seemed a millisecond off. Just one of those games
that transpires to be as frustraing as that Raquel Welch
wrapped in clingfilm dream that accompanies 5 Guinness and
Stella cocktails. Salut, Mick Duffy...
GET CARTER - 7.5/10
A good big test for a big mhan. Decent forwards to add
variety, and a few maroon corners to focus the concentration.
He handled everything well, and aside from the physical -
in particular took the defensive honours with a fine sliding
interception on a dangerous low cross as the attacking Minis
got as excited as Alfie at a fat hoor's hen party.
BIG MERCEDES - 7/10
As above, we got to see what he was made of up against
willing opponents. And there was an air of quiet confidence
about him, even under pressure. Not conceit, just a natural
instinct to sharped the senses and get the important touches
and physical contact in at the optimum times.
Also showed his ferocious attacking threat. If you sat in
the Jock Stein upper, that is...
CALMAC - 8/10 MOTM
To the bitter end... Seemed isolated in the middle most
of the game as his compatriots faded in and out. But the
Keymaster will tick over until the clock stops and even
as the side lagged heavily after the break, he poopped up
everywhere with a header, a tackle, a simple pass, and
an ocassional sublime moment to keep the Celtic heart
beating (guileful clip to put Reo in late on).
It is players like Calmac who provide the incredible
consistency that wins championships; fireworks go off
around him and elicit oohs and ahhs but he'll remain
the central fulcrum, like the goofy genius kid making
patterns in the air with the neverending sparkler, who
saves the day long after the spectacular moments have
burnt out.
THE BUILDER - 6.5/10
Driftwood in the rapids early, just about raising the
roof with a few skillful cameos. However his probable
influence faded later on after being thwarted by the
save of the game, and he ambled off much like Andy
Halliday's missus - not quite fulfilled.
EDDIE TURNBULL - 6/10
Rolled back the years first 20 minutes as he relived
Edinburgh derby glories, plenty of possession and stuck
the knife into the Gorgie pigs with a deft inside pass
to the marauding Maeda to set up the first.
Like others, though, he failed to regain sharpness after
the interval and was hooked, appearing rather confused
as to why some of the Famous Five around him seemed to
be of Japanese origin because he thought they lost in
the war. Will be tucked up with his blanket and a
Horlicks watching the history channel's 'WWII In Color'
series as you read this.
NOTEBOOK - 7.5/10
His songwriting skills were never in doubt, and he can
shake those hips like Elvis. All that was missing today
was him finishing a rousing number that had the crowd
on their feet. But - story of our game - that last chord
fell flat despite his best efforts to conjour a finale
with his dancing feet.
MR.KOBAYASHI - 7/10
Kyogooaaal strikes in a manner that now looks to be his
trademark - a simple-looking execution of some very
intelligent movement that leaves him in ridiculous
amounts of penalty-area space to do his thing.
Called offside more than a Radio One DJ on tour, as much
to do with the hesitancy of his team-mates to play him
in quick enough as it was the dubious leanings of the
standside linesman with the flag erection, Mason Boyne.
LORD KATSUMOTO - 6.5/10
Mad for it first-half. Probably the most annoying Celt
to play against as the Replicants full-back found out
when he realised "Just fucking stop, will ye?" fell on
incomprehending Japansese ears and he got done by a
great run and pace to lay on Kyogo.
Should have killed them with a duff point-blank header
before the break. Expected mayhem never transpired after
it and he relented honourably to his number being called.
SUBS:
HAKUNA HATATE - 6.5/10
Looking sharp and hungry and might have scored (should have?)
to top-off an energetic appearance off the bench which had
flicks and tricks and the enthusiasm we needed.
SON OF JACKIE - 7/10
Like Dad, doesn't he always score? Popped a header over
he might have done better with, lost out to a fine save
but, like a top shagger, managed to get a late handjob
he'll count as his own to make the foreplay worthwhile...
MOOEY - 6/10
Can he play like Tommy G or Tommy B? Well, there was a
moment around the 80th mminute, iirc, when he killed a
high ball with the touch of both, and drew many nods of
approval; tidy and smart with his cover and a little skill
on display make him an interesting prospect.
ABADASS - N/A
Brought on for Coventry? Felt like he'd been sent to it
after hanging around the wing for about an hour before
the ball was worked to him. Got a few more scrambled
involvements but underused while we coped with the
Cousins' 64-corner spell.
ANITA DOBSON - 7/10
Worries? None. Never appeared more than mildly disapproving
as we lost rhythm and made his customary changes to recharge
the effort.
In other managers, you'd be grumbling about complacency but
Ange's disposition shows faith in his system and players,
moreover, transmits such onto the field of play and instills
more calm around a misfiring Celtic in such circumstances;
past times, we've noted panic can set in quickly as underdogs
get a scent of green blood. Not so, now - his sides don't stop.
MIBBERY - 3.5/10
The Clancy Drew Mystery today was the Hun wi' the flag, old
main stand-side. Grandaddy hid in a shipyard in the Pacific
no doubt, and Kyogo got the stars and stripes waved at him
every time his blonde bob blew in the direction of the Lions'
stand.
Clancy on the other hand gave us a chuckle and incited
ragin' Hun conspiracy theorists all over the orange web
with a double-double booking flourish to end the Clones'
weeked in hilariously synchronised 9-man fashion with
their slaver-worshiping overlords.
All of Hundom adopted burstin' maroon faces in sympathy;
let the anal-ysis commence and the verdict be 'cheatin'
fenian bassas', despite every card being by the rules.
Nae dignity, man...
OVERALL - 6.5/10
Plenty of bite from the start but we became The Lost Bhoys
when darkness threatened in a flurry of over-zealous maroon
in the second-half. See what I did there, 80s vampire movie
classics fans?
Disappointing slackness and turgid rotation spannered the
works, with no final ball, and we lost a bit of a grip.
These things happen, and a timely reminder to the players
that there will be games such as these to hustle through
isn't a bad thing.
We still created enough chances to win comfortably and
never suffered from not killing the game thanks to some
well-organised set-piece defending.
YES! SET-PIECE DEFENDING! WELL-ORGANISED!
Had to write/read that twice, and loudly...
Postecoglu Celtic are a different beast, one with a sting
in the tail who'll not let you rest, so once more we did
late damage to settle the issue and nerves.
Also, when you let semi-decent sides like the Deliverance Cast
take a nibble, you at least get to noise-up serial-killing
Steptoe's apprentice Dennis Nilsen as the anguish of losing
to the Tims again after a window of opportunity overwhelms
him. So, every cloud and all that...
Go Away Now
Sandman
"Muh?..Bad Alfie say NUH!...Bad Alfie say Hibbee bassa say,
'Alfie, you hair like a skunk pussy, mufucka'. So Bad Alfie
MMA Hibbee bassa and black fenian bassa show Bad Alfie red
picture and Gringo Von Binghitler say you Bad Alfie! to Bad Alfie.
Bad Alfie no happy. When pie shop open?"
- Alfredo Morelos post-game controversial press conference
excerpt.
ROXIE - 7/10
You need a girl on her game when the spotlight swings
her way, and today we knew we had security after a
smart first-half save from a tricky zipped cross-shot.
Second period, he exerted the command and decision-making
of an experienced pro, not missing a punch, good anticipation,
quick of fhis line and quick to let this defence know
the score; reassuringly boss-like.
JURAN JURAN - 6.5/10
He's getting there, in bursts of quality. Pacy countering
up that right flank gives opponents nightmares, flashing
feet and a thirst for penalty-box action turns low-blocks
into skittled chaos.
We're not seeing consistent energy over the 90 yet, but
the feeling is that he'll work to a mid-season World Cup
peak.
GREGGS THE BAKER - 5.5/10
A pass for persistence. But unlike the 2 sausage rolls
of his I had for my hangover breakfast, he was far from
hot.
Every pass took a nick, most touches were heavy, thought
process seemed a millisecond off. Just one of those games
that transpires to be as frustraing as that Raquel Welch
wrapped in clingfilm dream that accompanies 5 Guinness and
Stella cocktails. Salut, Mick Duffy...
GET CARTER - 7.5/10
A good big test for a big mhan. Decent forwards to add
variety, and a few maroon corners to focus the concentration.
He handled everything well, and aside from the physical -
in particular took the defensive honours with a fine sliding
interception on a dangerous low cross as the attacking Minis
got as excited as Alfie at a fat hoor's hen party.
BIG MERCEDES - 7/10
As above, we got to see what he was made of up against
willing opponents. And there was an air of quiet confidence
about him, even under pressure. Not conceit, just a natural
instinct to sharped the senses and get the important touches
and physical contact in at the optimum times.
Also showed his ferocious attacking threat. If you sat in
the Jock Stein upper, that is...
CALMAC - 8/10 MOTM
To the bitter end... Seemed isolated in the middle most
of the game as his compatriots faded in and out. But the
Keymaster will tick over until the clock stops and even
as the side lagged heavily after the break, he poopped up
everywhere with a header, a tackle, a simple pass, and
an ocassional sublime moment to keep the Celtic heart
beating (guileful clip to put Reo in late on).
It is players like Calmac who provide the incredible
consistency that wins championships; fireworks go off
around him and elicit oohs and ahhs but he'll remain
the central fulcrum, like the goofy genius kid making
patterns in the air with the neverending sparkler, who
saves the day long after the spectacular moments have
burnt out.
THE BUILDER - 6.5/10
Driftwood in the rapids early, just about raising the
roof with a few skillful cameos. However his probable
influence faded later on after being thwarted by the
save of the game, and he ambled off much like Andy
Halliday's missus - not quite fulfilled.
EDDIE TURNBULL - 6/10
Rolled back the years first 20 minutes as he relived
Edinburgh derby glories, plenty of possession and stuck
the knife into the Gorgie pigs with a deft inside pass
to the marauding Maeda to set up the first.
Like others, though, he failed to regain sharpness after
the interval and was hooked, appearing rather confused
as to why some of the Famous Five around him seemed to
be of Japanese origin because he thought they lost in
the war. Will be tucked up with his blanket and a
Horlicks watching the history channel's 'WWII In Color'
series as you read this.
NOTEBOOK - 7.5/10
His songwriting skills were never in doubt, and he can
shake those hips like Elvis. All that was missing today
was him finishing a rousing number that had the crowd
on their feet. But - story of our game - that last chord
fell flat despite his best efforts to conjour a finale
with his dancing feet.
MR.KOBAYASHI - 7/10
Kyogooaaal strikes in a manner that now looks to be his
trademark - a simple-looking execution of some very
intelligent movement that leaves him in ridiculous
amounts of penalty-area space to do his thing.
Called offside more than a Radio One DJ on tour, as much
to do with the hesitancy of his team-mates to play him
in quick enough as it was the dubious leanings of the
standside linesman with the flag erection, Mason Boyne.
LORD KATSUMOTO - 6.5/10
Mad for it first-half. Probably the most annoying Celt
to play against as the Replicants full-back found out
when he realised "Just fucking stop, will ye?" fell on
incomprehending Japansese ears and he got done by a
great run and pace to lay on Kyogo.
Should have killed them with a duff point-blank header
before the break. Expected mayhem never transpired after
it and he relented honourably to his number being called.
SUBS:
HAKUNA HATATE - 6.5/10
Looking sharp and hungry and might have scored (should have?)
to top-off an energetic appearance off the bench which had
flicks and tricks and the enthusiasm we needed.
SON OF JACKIE - 7/10
Like Dad, doesn't he always score? Popped a header over
he might have done better with, lost out to a fine save
but, like a top shagger, managed to get a late handjob
he'll count as his own to make the foreplay worthwhile...
MOOEY - 6/10
Can he play like Tommy G or Tommy B? Well, there was a
moment around the 80th mminute, iirc, when he killed a
high ball with the touch of both, and drew many nods of
approval; tidy and smart with his cover and a little skill
on display make him an interesting prospect.
ABADASS - N/A
Brought on for Coventry? Felt like he'd been sent to it
after hanging around the wing for about an hour before
the ball was worked to him. Got a few more scrambled
involvements but underused while we coped with the
Cousins' 64-corner spell.
ANITA DOBSON - 7/10
Worries? None. Never appeared more than mildly disapproving
as we lost rhythm and made his customary changes to recharge
the effort.
In other managers, you'd be grumbling about complacency but
Ange's disposition shows faith in his system and players,
moreover, transmits such onto the field of play and instills
more calm around a misfiring Celtic in such circumstances;
past times, we've noted panic can set in quickly as underdogs
get a scent of green blood. Not so, now - his sides don't stop.
MIBBERY - 3.5/10
The Clancy Drew Mystery today was the Hun wi' the flag, old
main stand-side. Grandaddy hid in a shipyard in the Pacific
no doubt, and Kyogo got the stars and stripes waved at him
every time his blonde bob blew in the direction of the Lions'
stand.
Clancy on the other hand gave us a chuckle and incited
ragin' Hun conspiracy theorists all over the orange web
with a double-double booking flourish to end the Clones'
weeked in hilariously synchronised 9-man fashion with
their slaver-worshiping overlords.
All of Hundom adopted burstin' maroon faces in sympathy;
let the anal-ysis commence and the verdict be 'cheatin'
fenian bassas', despite every card being by the rules.
Nae dignity, man...
OVERALL - 6.5/10
Plenty of bite from the start but we became The Lost Bhoys
when darkness threatened in a flurry of over-zealous maroon
in the second-half. See what I did there, 80s vampire movie
classics fans?
Disappointing slackness and turgid rotation spannered the
works, with no final ball, and we lost a bit of a grip.
These things happen, and a timely reminder to the players
that there will be games such as these to hustle through
isn't a bad thing.
We still created enough chances to win comfortably and
never suffered from not killing the game thanks to some
well-organised set-piece defending.
YES! SET-PIECE DEFENDING! WELL-ORGANISED!
Had to write/read that twice, and loudly...
Postecoglu Celtic are a different beast, one with a sting
in the tail who'll not let you rest, so once more we did
late damage to settle the issue and nerves.
Also, when you let semi-decent sides like the Deliverance Cast
take a nibble, you at least get to noise-up serial-killing
Steptoe's apprentice Dennis Nilsen as the anguish of losing
to the Tims again after a window of opportunity overwhelms
him. So, every cloud and all that...
Go Away Now
Sandman
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