Sandman
Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v ST BERNARD WINTERS
"Well I can fcking well tell you I won't be going anywhere,
DD, I'm in the process of installing underpond and
birdbath heating so...
Well, I don't care if you do send your pal 'Ira' around to
discuss it; he can f....
Pardon? An acronym? What do you mean acron... Oh...
Eh, I'll have that anonuncement made, then. By lunchtime?
Yup, by elevenses if you like..."
Transcript of Pistolo Pete phone conversation with as yet
unidentified caller.
"Right, new mhan, new regime. The Huns think they've got
it sewn up because they play wi' 14 every week. Well, ma
sides play wi' FIFTEEN! COYBIG! Ruuuuugger!"
D.McKay.
BANE - 5/10
Appeared switched-on from the start - an unusual state
of mind for a Celtic 'keeper this season but meant he
was sharp enough to get down quickly and pick the ball
out of the net twice before half-time. Exposed more
than Jordan's tits.
People wonder why we haven't settled on a regular
first-choice keeper this season; it's because of rotation
for intensive therapy sessions after spending 90 minutes
behind that defence.
AJER - 5.5/10
Making the roving right back slot his. Until June,
probably... But while he's still around, credit at
least to big Kristiano for his application and driven
mentality that rubs off on others... If they're up
to it.
Most apaprently aren't but points for valiant viking
effort.
ALAN LADD - DEAR GOD/10
One of life's greatest mysteries. Tens of thousands
of pounds a week. Somebody - in fact MORE than just
one person/organisation - agreed in writing to meet
those figures. Us too, the shame. Amazing; Like his
basic inability to defend at a professionally-required
level.
Sign Shane Duffy - we guarantee you'll win silverware;
The fucking Donkey Derby Plate.
I met big Shane's agent once, great guy - it was on
the beach in Gran Canaria; he was there with a couple
of Sheiks, selling them a dune.
BITTON - 5/10
So another injury. Another nasty one; ankle ligaments
sprung as the universe picks the wrong centre-back
to fuck-over. Again. And we lose the only man at the
back capable of pushing us forward with momentum.
GREGGS THE BAKER - 3/10
Chasing shadows as St.Mungo played to him and he
lost every challenge and let players turn and run
from his stewardship. Not meeting the 'Celtic class'
requirements yet.
MAN OF - 5/10
Best attitude in the squad going by his demeanour
and effort. But his role is of cog in a machine
that doesn't respond. And there's not a lot he can
do about that. You could keep him on the park to
try, tho...
CALMAC - 4/10
Brilliant burst of vintage Calmac to set up the
equaliser. And... after that? Motions. Gone
through. An influence waned; Possibly the biggest
factor in our poor season. That's not apportioning
blame, btw; that's just recognition of how vital he #
is to overall team function.
EDDIE TURNBULL - 4/10
Flicks and tricks are all very well, young Benjamin
Button, but if they come to nothing it's all
candyfloss.
ELSHAGYONLASSIE - 3/10
All histrionics and little effect. He's on paid
vacation up here and will probably end his time
with a shrug and some patronising instagram
cringe while the Huns relish their historic first
trophy.
GRIFF - 3/10
Frustrating first-half with paucity of service.
Kept inside at the break because... Reasons.
FRENCH EDDY - 6/10 MOTM
First chance, goal. Lovely movement and first
touch, standing-leg finish was exquisite. Back
as top scorer and about time. Then... enjoy yer
isolation and fruitless charging about.
Who would have thought you could escape
covid by playing up front for Celtic?
MOTM just for that moment of class that shows
us what we could have been utilising properly
all season.
SUBS:
ROGIC - 3/10
A bored-looking Aussie thrown on at half-time in
freezing-cold conditions and asked to win the
game. He didn't.
WELSH - 6/10
Fair play, kid - terrorized for 45 minutes by his
defensive partner but he came through it without
error or nervous breakdown.
THE YETI - N/A
Mr.Angry made a fuss of a couple of dives and
thundered about, but with minimal effect on
proceedings.
CORPUS CHRISTIE - N/A
Got the wild shot count up a bit and did look
busy; however, after his conduct so far through
20/21 we get the same trouble as he does with
his girlfriend; is he faking it?
MIKEY J - N/A
Genius. Throw on the Eighties guy and everybody
will get distracted thinking about Love Street '86.
LENNONY - 2/10
So how long do we have? Longer than Lennony, I'd
guess. Neil Lennon is used to being approached in
the showers by men in powerful positions; perhaps
he might be more wary of a visit from our new CEO.
Frankly, I've always hoped Lennony had a plan up
his sleeve we weren't aware of, or had missed.
But like the teams he's picked, he's been scrambling
all season.
And he seems to have little faith or conviction in
his own method. Started with the Hamilton victors,
then lost his bottle as we lost goals, so turned the
second 45 into a testimonial with substitutions more
disruptive to any semblance of pattern we had than
enhancing.
'Ah, fuck it,' might be the best response to anything
in his presser, because it pretty much encapsulates
the attitude we've shown to this (could-have-been)
epic-of-epic seasons. Ill-prepared if at all. And now
as the shaky wheels come off, Lennony's 'Gone All Mowbray'
as survivors of that horror season say.
OVERALL - BOLLOCKS/10
So in the interests of diversity, a new CEO approaches
from the rainbow-flag sporting wing of rugger-buggers.
A brave appointment by Celtic, the end of an era where,
despite his contentious relationship with the support,
Pistol Pete exterted a more powerful influence in
administrative echelons of Scottish Football than Celtic
have ever known.
No back of the bus or sexy-handshakes-society nonsense
for him - Celtic were feared by the former gloating
Huns-in-suits of SFA and SPL governance.
More will be written and speculated upon in the days
and weeks to come; today, however...
Well, we huffed and puffed and couldn't blow anything
down. All season we've been huffing and puffing,
evidently not conditioned well enough to maintain any
scintillating pressure for more than 40% of a match.
Organised, fit, and competent journeymen pros - that's
all you need to be to counter this Celtic. Throw in a
sustained high press for a short time and you might
win.
The story of Celtic's abject TEN in a row season, the
once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to pin the tricolour
to a little bit of football history, will be catalogued
in a coruscating book of abject bewilderment (probably
by me, come to think of it) simply titled 'HOW?'
(Subtitled: '...The Fuck?')
Go Away Now.
Sandman.
"Well I can fcking well tell you I won't be going anywhere,
DD, I'm in the process of installing underpond and
birdbath heating so...
Well, I don't care if you do send your pal 'Ira' around to
discuss it; he can f....
Pardon? An acronym? What do you mean acron... Oh...
Eh, I'll have that anonuncement made, then. By lunchtime?
Yup, by elevenses if you like..."
Transcript of Pistolo Pete phone conversation with as yet
unidentified caller.
"Right, new mhan, new regime. The Huns think they've got
it sewn up because they play wi' 14 every week. Well, ma
sides play wi' FIFTEEN! COYBIG! Ruuuuugger!"
D.McKay.
BANE - 5/10
Appeared switched-on from the start - an unusual state
of mind for a Celtic 'keeper this season but meant he
was sharp enough to get down quickly and pick the ball
out of the net twice before half-time. Exposed more
than Jordan's tits.
People wonder why we haven't settled on a regular
first-choice keeper this season; it's because of rotation
for intensive therapy sessions after spending 90 minutes
behind that defence.
AJER - 5.5/10
Making the roving right back slot his. Until June,
probably... But while he's still around, credit at
least to big Kristiano for his application and driven
mentality that rubs off on others... If they're up
to it.
Most apaprently aren't but points for valiant viking
effort.
ALAN LADD - DEAR GOD/10
One of life's greatest mysteries. Tens of thousands
of pounds a week. Somebody - in fact MORE than just
one person/organisation - agreed in writing to meet
those figures. Us too, the shame. Amazing; Like his
basic inability to defend at a professionally-required
level.
Sign Shane Duffy - we guarantee you'll win silverware;
The fucking Donkey Derby Plate.
I met big Shane's agent once, great guy - it was on
the beach in Gran Canaria; he was there with a couple
of Sheiks, selling them a dune.
BITTON - 5/10
So another injury. Another nasty one; ankle ligaments
sprung as the universe picks the wrong centre-back
to fuck-over. Again. And we lose the only man at the
back capable of pushing us forward with momentum.
GREGGS THE BAKER - 3/10
Chasing shadows as St.Mungo played to him and he
lost every challenge and let players turn and run
from his stewardship. Not meeting the 'Celtic class'
requirements yet.
MAN OF - 5/10
Best attitude in the squad going by his demeanour
and effort. But his role is of cog in a machine
that doesn't respond. And there's not a lot he can
do about that. You could keep him on the park to
try, tho...
CALMAC - 4/10
Brilliant burst of vintage Calmac to set up the
equaliser. And... after that? Motions. Gone
through. An influence waned; Possibly the biggest
factor in our poor season. That's not apportioning
blame, btw; that's just recognition of how vital he #
is to overall team function.
EDDIE TURNBULL - 4/10
Flicks and tricks are all very well, young Benjamin
Button, but if they come to nothing it's all
candyfloss.
ELSHAGYONLASSIE - 3/10
All histrionics and little effect. He's on paid
vacation up here and will probably end his time
with a shrug and some patronising instagram
cringe while the Huns relish their historic first
trophy.
GRIFF - 3/10
Frustrating first-half with paucity of service.
Kept inside at the break because... Reasons.
FRENCH EDDY - 6/10 MOTM
First chance, goal. Lovely movement and first
touch, standing-leg finish was exquisite. Back
as top scorer and about time. Then... enjoy yer
isolation and fruitless charging about.
Who would have thought you could escape
covid by playing up front for Celtic?
MOTM just for that moment of class that shows
us what we could have been utilising properly
all season.
SUBS:
ROGIC - 3/10
A bored-looking Aussie thrown on at half-time in
freezing-cold conditions and asked to win the
game. He didn't.
WELSH - 6/10
Fair play, kid - terrorized for 45 minutes by his
defensive partner but he came through it without
error or nervous breakdown.
THE YETI - N/A
Mr.Angry made a fuss of a couple of dives and
thundered about, but with minimal effect on
proceedings.
CORPUS CHRISTIE - N/A
Got the wild shot count up a bit and did look
busy; however, after his conduct so far through
20/21 we get the same trouble as he does with
his girlfriend; is he faking it?
MIKEY J - N/A
Genius. Throw on the Eighties guy and everybody
will get distracted thinking about Love Street '86.
LENNONY - 2/10
So how long do we have? Longer than Lennony, I'd
guess. Neil Lennon is used to being approached in
the showers by men in powerful positions; perhaps
he might be more wary of a visit from our new CEO.
Frankly, I've always hoped Lennony had a plan up
his sleeve we weren't aware of, or had missed.
But like the teams he's picked, he's been scrambling
all season.
And he seems to have little faith or conviction in
his own method. Started with the Hamilton victors,
then lost his bottle as we lost goals, so turned the
second 45 into a testimonial with substitutions more
disruptive to any semblance of pattern we had than
enhancing.
'Ah, fuck it,' might be the best response to anything
in his presser, because it pretty much encapsulates
the attitude we've shown to this (could-have-been)
epic-of-epic seasons. Ill-prepared if at all. And now
as the shaky wheels come off, Lennony's 'Gone All Mowbray'
as survivors of that horror season say.
OVERALL - BOLLOCKS/10
So in the interests of diversity, a new CEO approaches
from the rainbow-flag sporting wing of rugger-buggers.
A brave appointment by Celtic, the end of an era where,
despite his contentious relationship with the support,
Pistol Pete exterted a more powerful influence in
administrative echelons of Scottish Football than Celtic
have ever known.
No back of the bus or sexy-handshakes-society nonsense
for him - Celtic were feared by the former gloating
Huns-in-suits of SFA and SPL governance.
More will be written and speculated upon in the days
and weeks to come; today, however...
Well, we huffed and puffed and couldn't blow anything
down. All season we've been huffing and puffing,
evidently not conditioned well enough to maintain any
scintillating pressure for more than 40% of a match.
Organised, fit, and competent journeymen pros - that's
all you need to be to counter this Celtic. Throw in a
sustained high press for a short time and you might
win.
The story of Celtic's abject TEN in a row season, the
once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to pin the tricolour
to a little bit of football history, will be catalogued
in a coruscating book of abject bewilderment (probably
by me, come to think of it) simply titled 'HOW?'
(Subtitled: '...The Fuck?')
Go Away Now.
Sandman.
Last edited:
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