Sandman
Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v THE NEELY & DUNNS
"'Tis but a scratch! Just a flesh wound!"
- Calum McGregor in Monty Python and the Holy Grail
"His name is Reo and he dances round the Huns..."
- Duran Duran, 'Reo'.
ROXIE - 7.5/10
Big beautiful bouffanted babe shall let none pass. Risked
fracturing comb-over in a pivotal moment in the game but
threw himself at the feet of Arseface without a second
thought. Tremendous anticipation. Safer hands than Jesus.
GREGGS THE BAKER - 7.5/10
At it like an angry Dachshund bearing a Bonio grudge,
snarled and snapped his way through a great 90 minutes.
Never gave an inch, or respect, to a single zombie who
tried to noise him up. Maybe his best match in the Hoops.
GET CARTER - 8/10
A big mhan with a rueful grin after it was all over;
loved every minute of his baptism into proper football
atmosphere and not the rent-a-fud EPL chorus lines.
Our bouncer sorted out the gatecrashers in dubious
gilded turquoise blouses, chewed up and spat out their
aerial threats. A rock.
STAR LORD - 7/10
Crazy motherfucker. Dishing it out, playing on his -
and our - nerves, drowning the crowd with the voices
in his heid rapping encouragement.
Kept all on tenterhooks every tweaked pass, sideways
and narrow, but he got there when required and took
the pressure situations well.
Only his own worst enemy when the multiple personalities
hush and he thinks too much - spazzed-out mid second half
and gave the Uglies encouragement. However, it was but a
blip on the Star Lord command console tonight. Give him
a vial of laudanum and tuck him in.
JURAN JURAN - 8/10
Relished the occasion, ferocious in his application,
displayed a touch of creative class and skill despite
the responsibility of shackling The Borg's best
attacking option.
And he all but played the collaborating Kamp Kapo
out of the game during the moments that counted.
Left the hillbilly redneck jakey wishing he'd
flung his duelling banjo into the back of his
pickup and headed south with the Slippy G escape
convoy.
CALMAC OF THE OPERA - 9/10 MOTM
It took me 85 minutes to guess who it was. A shocking
revelation, because if it was any of us who'd been
sledgehammered in the gub like Rocky Balboa, then ten
days later I'd still be convalescing, laid on a bed
of egyptian silk, surrounded by fragrant incense with
a nubile masseuse (topless, minimum) attending to me
with a scented ostrich feather.
But not our skipper. No way, Hose. Broken heid and
still up for facing the most hideous eleven in world
football.
And what a game he had. Hardly put a foot wrong despite
taking a nothing yellow from the baldy Hun's Hun with
the whistle (another amazing neutral appointment...).
With more of his brain missing than JFK, Calmac still
drove the side on the ENTIRE game, maintained the tempo
like an atomic gyroscope with legs. Incredible shift
from an incredible Celt.
HAKUNA HATATE - 8.5/10
"Ha-ha-ha, we've *signed Arran Ramsbottom!"
Ha-ha-ha Haaaatate!
Not only do the Japanese innovate, they also honour -
tonight both Naka and Lubo got an Eastern star's tribute
in one opportune moment of guile and beauty, ironically
swerving it past the same tangerine-tinted slavering
rapist that Naka surprised all those years ago, and
celebrating like the Hunskelping Slovak himself in his
derby debut.
I said Saturday that we somehow failed to connect with
Reo and he spent a quiet afternoon foraging earnestly but
fruitlessly. Not so tonight. Not with Calmac back in.
They fused, Reo playing Robin to the masked Batman pulling
the strings. Before he shot his own bolt, he'd already put
two killer bolts in the mutants' skulls and clipped in a
cross for the third as the Hun slaughterhouse ramped up
production.
Quite an awesome display of big-moment contribution.
We now know we've got an exciting baller on our hands.
Arigato Hiro!
*borrowed from hospital
THE BUILDER - 8/10
'The Architect' more like. What a composed young man.
Borrowed the cultured boots of Oz for this one, completely
unfazed by the bedlamites in 80s aerobics class dayglo-blue.
Bust a gut off the ball and elicited swells of appreciation
when he was on it. Almost capped his night with a swerving
free-kick only to be foiled by the stretching claw of the peach-clad
degenerate jizz-despenser in nets. Gentlemen, and ladies,
we have another transfer market diamond from Ange.
ABADASS - 7.5/10
There it is, after a period of struggle, all coming together
- the kid's runs and final balls, and that little extra he
packs into his game - the finishing.
And what perfect execution it was, outside-foot half-volley,
angling it beyond the groping hand of the giant priapic
carrot between their sticks.
Just a stranger in a strange land playing against (really)
strange opponents and he must now be buzzing at what he signed
up for. We're getting value for money in excess here and
he's going to get even better with age and experience.
NOTEBOOK - 7/10
A surprise - a pretty low-key night as far as his big-game
record to date; still full of verve but maybe too hyped-up
for it - touch let him down, not quite floating past opponents
like we know he can.
Still played a big part in making them cry like spanked brats
however, nearly scored a scorcher, only spurned by the walking
sex register's great save.
He just couldn't find the right song on the night, encapsulated
by his big chance on the break near the end when he muddled the
ball between his feet and failed to bear down on goal.
Never mind, proper Hunskelping to come.
SON OF JACKIE - 7/10
Well, we now have a striker capable of going toe-to-toe with
the Huns' laboratory experiments at centre back. Jackie hustled
and battered and ground them down.
Would have scored as well, maybe a hat-trick, but was denied by
the fortune, luck and flair of the cantaloupe condom that kept
getting in the way. I still reckon he's 75% as fit as he can be,
and to our requirements. Bodes well if he knuckles down.
SUBS:
LORD KATSUMOTO - 6/10
Ryan Air overnight all the way from Tokyo just to perform the
thankless task of harassing the Huns while the Bhoys wound it
down. Which he did without question and limitless energy.
Respect. Arigatōgozaimasu.
JAMESY - 6.5/10
Got right stuck into them, did Jamesy - fearless in flight
and tough in the tackle. Jamesy? Yes, in the thick of it with
big Bassa and Haribo Chews. Tackle, indeed, and not even the
kind he usually needs to tuck away quick...
MCCARTHYISM - 6/10
Get on there and do what you do... Like before. And he did,
just fine.
MAN OF.. - N/A
Cunningly thrown in late to draw the inevitable online racism
from the inevitable racists wrapped in Union Jacks.
WEE BOAK - N/A
Came on, slapped a Hun, got booked by another. Wee mhan made his
mark like a boss.
ANITA DOBSON - 9/10
They're not laughing at Big Ange now, the hacks and whacks of
the SMSM; Angeball reams the lauded Dutch dilligence of Groinio
Transit-Van Bungleheist.
He demanded the players focus and run the drills and stick to the
gameplan and move and pass and create and, finally, pump the Huns.
Instructions carried out to the letter. Every player he picked
playing their role as given. 9 of the starting 11 Ange's new bhoys.
What a work in progress, and he's not done yet.
MIBBERY - 3/10
Well, he tried with an early nonsense Calmac name-taking. but,
alas...
Dear Ghod, the humanity - almost overwhelmed me late on to see
Boaby Madhun choking back the tears as he carded Tavpen. The ultimate
emotionally crippling act of the Salmon Leap's most famous Bear:
booking the Hun Captain amid a Celtic Park savaging.
Laughing My fucking Arse Off.
OVERALL - 9/10
Nine. What the score could have been but for the vacant-brained
ginger-hued beast-wing-certainty producing his usual fenain-defying
sorcery.
Would you have taken a draw before kick-off? Maybe, given circumstances
with the squad, our shaky recent results and the consequences of a
loss. Best to face them at full strength, no?
LOL, how'd that work out for us? No Koyogo, no Oz, Daizen still
smelling of cute aircrew, Calmac appearing out of misty sewers on a
gondola, Notebook still tuning back up, Eddie Turnbull back in the care
home and Reo 'not fully fit yet' according to Ange.
And we ran over them like a Derby winner over a suffragette. Are you
reading this, Hun lurkers? Don't stand in the way of the thoroughbreds.
Looks like you're fucked. And will be again. Soon.
So if you were an Angeball skeptic, here was the test you ruminated on -
up against Scotland's 'invincible' (stop fucking sniggering at the back!)
SPL Chumpions, Empty Hoose Season 20-21.
The first-half was an evisceration, football versus hoofball, Bhoys
versus boys, desire versus 'dignity'... Celtic made them look static,
cumbersome and hysterially neurotic all at once.
After the break it was all a bit of a laugh as the Huns scrambled to
save pride and the Hoops scrambled eggs in anticipation of re-energising
to take on Lanarkshire Huns at the weekend.
So dreams do come true. Sometimes great dreams. And sometimes greater
dreams - like these Bhoys have, of being champions and CL players.
And we'll be loving it every kick of a ball as the clock counts down
to glory. Sayonara, motherfuckers, enjoy the marvellous vibes. There's
a buzz about the place...
Go Away Now
Sandman
"'Tis but a scratch! Just a flesh wound!"
- Calum McGregor in Monty Python and the Holy Grail
"His name is Reo and he dances round the Huns..."
- Duran Duran, 'Reo'.
ROXIE - 7.5/10
Big beautiful bouffanted babe shall let none pass. Risked
fracturing comb-over in a pivotal moment in the game but
threw himself at the feet of Arseface without a second
thought. Tremendous anticipation. Safer hands than Jesus.
GREGGS THE BAKER - 7.5/10
At it like an angry Dachshund bearing a Bonio grudge,
snarled and snapped his way through a great 90 minutes.
Never gave an inch, or respect, to a single zombie who
tried to noise him up. Maybe his best match in the Hoops.
GET CARTER - 8/10
A big mhan with a rueful grin after it was all over;
loved every minute of his baptism into proper football
atmosphere and not the rent-a-fud EPL chorus lines.
Our bouncer sorted out the gatecrashers in dubious
gilded turquoise blouses, chewed up and spat out their
aerial threats. A rock.
STAR LORD - 7/10
Crazy motherfucker. Dishing it out, playing on his -
and our - nerves, drowning the crowd with the voices
in his heid rapping encouragement.
Kept all on tenterhooks every tweaked pass, sideways
and narrow, but he got there when required and took
the pressure situations well.
Only his own worst enemy when the multiple personalities
hush and he thinks too much - spazzed-out mid second half
and gave the Uglies encouragement. However, it was but a
blip on the Star Lord command console tonight. Give him
a vial of laudanum and tuck him in.
JURAN JURAN - 8/10
Relished the occasion, ferocious in his application,
displayed a touch of creative class and skill despite
the responsibility of shackling The Borg's best
attacking option.
And he all but played the collaborating Kamp Kapo
out of the game during the moments that counted.
Left the hillbilly redneck jakey wishing he'd
flung his duelling banjo into the back of his
pickup and headed south with the Slippy G escape
convoy.
CALMAC OF THE OPERA - 9/10 MOTM
It took me 85 minutes to guess who it was. A shocking
revelation, because if it was any of us who'd been
sledgehammered in the gub like Rocky Balboa, then ten
days later I'd still be convalescing, laid on a bed
of egyptian silk, surrounded by fragrant incense with
a nubile masseuse (topless, minimum) attending to me
with a scented ostrich feather.
But not our skipper. No way, Hose. Broken heid and
still up for facing the most hideous eleven in world
football.
And what a game he had. Hardly put a foot wrong despite
taking a nothing yellow from the baldy Hun's Hun with
the whistle (another amazing neutral appointment...).
With more of his brain missing than JFK, Calmac still
drove the side on the ENTIRE game, maintained the tempo
like an atomic gyroscope with legs. Incredible shift
from an incredible Celt.
HAKUNA HATATE - 8.5/10
"Ha-ha-ha, we've *signed Arran Ramsbottom!"
Ha-ha-ha Haaaatate!
Not only do the Japanese innovate, they also honour -
tonight both Naka and Lubo got an Eastern star's tribute
in one opportune moment of guile and beauty, ironically
swerving it past the same tangerine-tinted slavering
rapist that Naka surprised all those years ago, and
celebrating like the Hunskelping Slovak himself in his
derby debut.
I said Saturday that we somehow failed to connect with
Reo and he spent a quiet afternoon foraging earnestly but
fruitlessly. Not so tonight. Not with Calmac back in.
They fused, Reo playing Robin to the masked Batman pulling
the strings. Before he shot his own bolt, he'd already put
two killer bolts in the mutants' skulls and clipped in a
cross for the third as the Hun slaughterhouse ramped up
production.
Quite an awesome display of big-moment contribution.
We now know we've got an exciting baller on our hands.
Arigato Hiro!
*borrowed from hospital
THE BUILDER - 8/10
'The Architect' more like. What a composed young man.
Borrowed the cultured boots of Oz for this one, completely
unfazed by the bedlamites in 80s aerobics class dayglo-blue.
Bust a gut off the ball and elicited swells of appreciation
when he was on it. Almost capped his night with a swerving
free-kick only to be foiled by the stretching claw of the peach-clad
degenerate jizz-despenser in nets. Gentlemen, and ladies,
we have another transfer market diamond from Ange.
ABADASS - 7.5/10
There it is, after a period of struggle, all coming together
- the kid's runs and final balls, and that little extra he
packs into his game - the finishing.
And what perfect execution it was, outside-foot half-volley,
angling it beyond the groping hand of the giant priapic
carrot between their sticks.
Just a stranger in a strange land playing against (really)
strange opponents and he must now be buzzing at what he signed
up for. We're getting value for money in excess here and
he's going to get even better with age and experience.
NOTEBOOK - 7/10
A surprise - a pretty low-key night as far as his big-game
record to date; still full of verve but maybe too hyped-up
for it - touch let him down, not quite floating past opponents
like we know he can.
Still played a big part in making them cry like spanked brats
however, nearly scored a scorcher, only spurned by the walking
sex register's great save.
He just couldn't find the right song on the night, encapsulated
by his big chance on the break near the end when he muddled the
ball between his feet and failed to bear down on goal.
Never mind, proper Hunskelping to come.
SON OF JACKIE - 7/10
Well, we now have a striker capable of going toe-to-toe with
the Huns' laboratory experiments at centre back. Jackie hustled
and battered and ground them down.
Would have scored as well, maybe a hat-trick, but was denied by
the fortune, luck and flair of the cantaloupe condom that kept
getting in the way. I still reckon he's 75% as fit as he can be,
and to our requirements. Bodes well if he knuckles down.
SUBS:
LORD KATSUMOTO - 6/10
Ryan Air overnight all the way from Tokyo just to perform the
thankless task of harassing the Huns while the Bhoys wound it
down. Which he did without question and limitless energy.
Respect. Arigatōgozaimasu.
JAMESY - 6.5/10
Got right stuck into them, did Jamesy - fearless in flight
and tough in the tackle. Jamesy? Yes, in the thick of it with
big Bassa and Haribo Chews. Tackle, indeed, and not even the
kind he usually needs to tuck away quick...
MCCARTHYISM - 6/10
Get on there and do what you do... Like before. And he did,
just fine.
MAN OF.. - N/A
Cunningly thrown in late to draw the inevitable online racism
from the inevitable racists wrapped in Union Jacks.
WEE BOAK - N/A
Came on, slapped a Hun, got booked by another. Wee mhan made his
mark like a boss.
ANITA DOBSON - 9/10
They're not laughing at Big Ange now, the hacks and whacks of
the SMSM; Angeball reams the lauded Dutch dilligence of Groinio
Transit-Van Bungleheist.
He demanded the players focus and run the drills and stick to the
gameplan and move and pass and create and, finally, pump the Huns.
Instructions carried out to the letter. Every player he picked
playing their role as given. 9 of the starting 11 Ange's new bhoys.
What a work in progress, and he's not done yet.
MIBBERY - 3/10
Well, he tried with an early nonsense Calmac name-taking. but,
alas...
Dear Ghod, the humanity - almost overwhelmed me late on to see
Boaby Madhun choking back the tears as he carded Tavpen. The ultimate
emotionally crippling act of the Salmon Leap's most famous Bear:
booking the Hun Captain amid a Celtic Park savaging.
Laughing My fucking Arse Off.
OVERALL - 9/10
Nine. What the score could have been but for the vacant-brained
ginger-hued beast-wing-certainty producing his usual fenain-defying
sorcery.
Would you have taken a draw before kick-off? Maybe, given circumstances
with the squad, our shaky recent results and the consequences of a
loss. Best to face them at full strength, no?
LOL, how'd that work out for us? No Koyogo, no Oz, Daizen still
smelling of cute aircrew, Calmac appearing out of misty sewers on a
gondola, Notebook still tuning back up, Eddie Turnbull back in the care
home and Reo 'not fully fit yet' according to Ange.
And we ran over them like a Derby winner over a suffragette. Are you
reading this, Hun lurkers? Don't stand in the way of the thoroughbreds.
Looks like you're fucked. And will be again. Soon.
So if you were an Angeball skeptic, here was the test you ruminated on -
up against Scotland's 'invincible' (stop fucking sniggering at the back!)
SPL Chumpions, Empty Hoose Season 20-21.
The first-half was an evisceration, football versus hoofball, Bhoys
versus boys, desire versus 'dignity'... Celtic made them look static,
cumbersome and hysterially neurotic all at once.
After the break it was all a bit of a laugh as the Huns scrambled to
save pride and the Hoops scrambled eggs in anticipation of re-energising
to take on Lanarkshire Huns at the weekend.
So dreams do come true. Sometimes great dreams. And sometimes greater
dreams - like these Bhoys have, of being champions and CL players.
And we'll be loving it every kick of a ball as the clock counts down
to glory. Sayonara, motherfuckers, enjoy the marvellous vibes. There's
a buzz about the place...
Go Away Now
Sandman
another great review, cheers mate 
