SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ WHOOVILLE
"Feed the Hu-uns,
Let them know it's Christmas time again
Feed the Hu-uns,
Do they know it's Christmas time at all?"
- VAR Aid.
ROXIE - 6/10
'Bored and cold,' said Joe in his post-match presser.
Getting a pair of binoculars for Xmas so he can watch
the action next time. Spent all second-half listening
to the squeals of abuse from the Ant Hill Mob gathered
behind him, after a first zoning out the white noise
eminating out of the Sweetie-Paper-Rustler Stand.
Threw in a quick Superman to liven things up but his
boots were dirtier than his gloves come full-time.
GREGGS THE BAKER - 6.5/10
The Greggs grimace was becoming a meme as we toiled
and he participated in the futile final ball competition.
But, like a good pastry, he rose to the challenge and
his intelligent runs opened up just enough space to make
a difference in the end.
STAR LORD - 6/10
Surefooted is not a term often aimed at our tall streak
of anxiety. Today, he never put an overpriced boot wrong.
Kept aware of the speedy danger of a Portuguese duck
anticipating a slip, made every interception and backpass
with focus.
GET CARTER - 6.5/10
Solid and uncompromising, as ever. Like he'd never been on
holiday. World Cup hero of the States shows idiot US Men's
Team boss - 'Coach' Beelerballbreaker - what happens when
you play CCV; you win 1-0. Again.
TONY THE TIGER - 6.5/10
Fighting brickies are commonplace in the Aberdeen harbour
area, usually scrapping with itinerant fishermen or pissed-up
oil workers. We brought one of our own who likes a battle up
North and gave his 100% for the cause, despite the rusty nature
of his crossing.
CALMAC - 9/10 MOTM
Ah, the skipper returns. A comeback like Elvis in Vegas,
stealing the show with a grand finale of classic Calmac
outofboxery, a strike so sweet and full of joy you could
call it Susan and take it home for dessert.
After making nineteen hundred and sixty seven passes
while single-handedly controlling the game like an autistic
kid on a sugar high with a Playstation FIFA controller
duct-taped to his hands, Captain Marvel strode onto a Jamesy
flick with the purpose of a Cyberdyne Systems Model T-101
and terminated the resistance.
Truly an occasion configured for his guile and class to resolve,
and didn't he just deliver the delirious solution like an
angel-dust tripping Santa.
THE BUILDER - 7.5/10
Relinquished of responsibility for the midfield security,
his was back to being a role of creative. The kid prompted
and probed and encouraged, showing some marvellous composure
and vision. But the eye decieved as killer passes missed by
inches and his touch evaded him at the most crucial of moments.
However, it looked like he was just getting his maverick eye
in again and festive fireworks are round the corner.
HAKUNA HATATE - 7/10
A busy little bee for the majority of his time. Buzzed between
their lines and definitely found enough space to do damage.
Shame that he shared that frustrating final ball affliction of the
majority when the big moments presented themselves.
LORD KATSUMOTO - 6/10
World Cup hero #2 graces the frozen wing of the North and
finds himself running into more stifling conditions than
a hot date in a full burqa. Some openings did present
themselves but he couldn't run five paces without having
to hurdle a sheep, thus his abilities were wasted against
such a low block.
KILLER MUSHROOM - 6/10
Struck out once more as we strived for that elusive
opener/winner. All the right moves, no finish, as witnessed
many a year on Sticky Vickie's dancefloors.
Twice he nearly achieved further mythical status of Kaiju
lore and may have proven himself the missing key to Japan
making the quarter finals; but both were squandered - the
first badly and the second unluckily - and so the Japs'
national manager remains conceitedly correct in his choices.
NOTEBOOK - 6.5/10
Clark Gable lives! Particularly of note up in Sheepland as
many of his movies are still playing at the ABC Cinemas.
But the 'tache only added to the suaveness, not his impact
on the game. Early, he looked lively and potent, but by the
time the grind of running at and along a red wall had dimmed
his spark, this movie star was heading for a soap.
SUBS -
SON OF JACKIE - 5/10
Contract rebel announces himself with two duff headers in
decent positions. And Peter Lawwell reduces the terms on
offer.
ABADASS - 6.5/10
Trickery and intensity from the desert spider. Gave us
fine options on the right and created space for Tony to
roam in support.
MOOEY - N/A
World Cup hero #3 took a late bow and caught a cold,
probably.
EDDIE TURNBULL - 6/10
Survives Ange's euthanasia attmept by wearing his
thermals and kept the momentum up in his game time,
surprising us all by actually moving his ancient limbs
in the bitter chill.
JAMESY - 6.5/10
What can you say? Jamesy's pumped a few sheep in his
time and on he came today, sprinting around like
Forest Gump had a line too many, but once more helped
with a some strong penetrating play - of course... - and
the deft layoff to give Calmac his big moment.
ANITA DOBSON - 8.5/10
Until the bitter end. Keeping the down unders warm with
longjohns and a simmit, Ange braved the frozen North and
demanded his methods heated up the pitch.
Half a team was interchanged in pursuit of glory and
yet again we saw the fruits of his Lennoxtown labour -
Angeball beating Goodwin Goblinball in dramatic late
swashbuckling style.
He's like the Ferrero Roche ambassador - Ange, with these
victories you are really spoiling us. (See what I did there,
afficionados of classic Xmas adverts?)
MIBBERY - 1/10
Beeep! Catchphrase buzzer sound for the VARberdeen crew.
We didn't give them the ball, and the agitated Hun monkeys
behind the scenes with their Simon games at the ready didn't
get a sniff of Tim-baiting.
OVERALL - 8/10
3...2...1...You're back in the room...
Well it's been a hell of a month of Celtic absence, filled with
back-to-back World Cup magic and back-to-back Cheers episodes
from beginning to beautifully poignant end to fill the downtime.
God bless you, Kirstie Alley. RIP Rebecca.
So as we find out that it was Sir (redacted) 'Arry Kane who
aimed one at Santas Sleigh and gave Rudoplh his red nose,
the Bhoys get back in action a day before the wee genius Messi
takes his rightful place as D10S Mark II and this century's
greatest player.
Minus, of course, the World Cup's best right-back in JJ who
we'll probably never see in the Hoops again but will go with
our best wishes as we cash in on his astronomical over-valuation
on the back of slapping Yazzmar across his snivelling coupon after
the pens and chuckling in Croatian, "That's for Broony and letting
the great Pele down in his last days, ya conceited wee prick."
Also, during my hiatus in Qatar and 80s Boston, it appears that
Jeremy Beadle has taken over the Game For A Laugh crew across the
city and they're now officially the greatest new pretendy footy
club in the wuruld again. Perhaps Gio will return as his right hand,
after all he's small enough...
So we rock up to the Pen by the sea and it's business as usual.
Too usual - another nailbiter decided at the wire by the men behind
it...
The sheer magnificent drama of these Hun-sickener finales
fires up the faith quickly again and puts a smile on the coupon
and a gallop in the step. Like a reindeer, you know what I mean?
Xmas metaphor, roll with it...
So not only are we back at it like hunting dogs, we're locked and
loaded for the busy festive carnage that climaxes with an adventure
into the Ninth Circle Of Hell early 2023.
And the good news is the Bhoys seem up for it with more relish
than you're about to stuff your face with over the next fortnight.
Go Away Now
Sandman
“Forest Gump had a line too many” has got to make it on to Sandman’s top ten funniest quotes
