Sandman
Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ WOOLY-BULLY
"Contradict myself? I don't contradict myself. Yes, I do,
I really do. Beautifully. Or not."
- Buck Rodgers
ROXIE - 7/10 MOTM
What would ye do without Big Joe? Well, notch up a humiliating
pumping for a start. Very difficult day for the Hart-haters,
who'd be melting their keyboards when he thrashed a couple
of passbacks out the park.
Once his own defence had stopped trying to slip it past him,
they disintegrated and we all climbed behind the couch/bar,
watching in disbelief as The Sheep ran through the sheepdogs
at will.
But cometh the our, cometh the big mhan and a double classic of
Joe stops gave the Huns blue baws.
DIEGO ARMANDO MARADONA - 5/10
Not quite sure if the wriggly wee guy with the South American
mullet is the right fit for this Celtic side, given he's got
some intricate boots but found his main obstacle to be his own
dithering winger up ahead. Forged forwards constantly, seemed
to run into trouble with as much regularity as well. Yet, still
looks like he can play a bit.
WAYNE GRETZKY - 6.5/10
Second week in a row he's been the most focussed and consistent
outfield player, all-in for the win, good strong play and a few
fine crossballs deserving of finishes.
OF JUSTICE - 5/10
Appeared a bit ill at ease, perhaps missing the CCV influence.
Certainly didn't handle a more aggressive Dons front line in
the second half; just seemed strung-out with the Melchester
Rovers shirts swarming all around him.
APOLLO CREED - 4/10
When the heat was turned up, he staggered around punch-drunk.
Lucky bhoy not to see red as the MIBs missed a sitter. Like
Liam, flustered was his default setting; skinned and rinsed by
'not the Celtic striker we need' for their goal.
CALMAC - 6/10
Poor Captain, my Captain - a Han Solo lunchtime slog in the
middle as his midfield cohorts frazzled aound him, out-fought
by snapping teuchters. But credit Calmac for holding it together
as everyone else threw their hands in the air and shook their
heads.
SAINT BERNARDO - 3.5/10
Virtually anonymous, maybe cursed by a 'system' that isolates
him between their lines and does its worst to seek him out; as
in, fruitless running by him, mostly - only example of his role
working was when he dinked the bar after finally segueing with
an attacking thrust.
THE BUILDER - 4/10
The difference. So many loose touches, failed passes, exasperating
end-product; just one of those days for the silky kid, and if he'd
managed anything near the levels he's set then we may have won
reasonably comfortably.
BRIAN DE - 3.5/10
Does anyone have the faintest inkling of what the fuck he's going
to do? Firing in deliveries like we'd signed Peter Dinklage as
centre-forward in the window. The one time he manages to lift it
he scoops a big chance onto the bar.
Cuts inside more times than a razorblade kebab, perhaps imbalanced
mostly due to the off-the-ball slug-balancing act he performs
with his top lip.
KILLER MUSHROOM - 4/10
Not a sniff. Not his fault. Found more service/ball when he
dropped into a number 10 role. But we don't need Kyogo there.
Subject of the new appendage to Brendan Rodgers' biography:
'How To Blunt A 30-Goals-A-Season Striker With Stubborn Egotistical
Tactical Choices'
ABADASS - 3.5/10
Much scampering and an early flash of promise - if he'd scored
the game was won. But faded as we've become acustomed to, too
many times when we're in need of matchwinners.
SUBS -
DUNCAN IDAHO - 6/10
The hero of Dune who sacrificed his life for the
cause. Annoyingly, he wouldn't go that far but
did rumble around and exhibit some nice touches,
escpecially for the goal.
TONY THE TIGER - N/A
'Left? Where's that? Oh, aye, I remember. Again?'
And so our new left-back turns out to be our old
right-back. Cunning plan.
RAQUEL - N/A
Some glamour to warm the locals up for the after-match
sheep cabaret.
VALUE ADDED TAX - N/A
No time for the youngster to be a hero. Like he doesn't
deserve a start, what with the dazzling performances of
the first eleven...
TAKINTE - 6.5/10
Ah, a chink of light in the frozen north wastelands.
Kieran Paddy Tierney-Roberts lifts the game and saves
the day - almost. Did manage to contribute more in his
time than the entire front line before him, showing
some nifty footwork and snatching a precious equaliser
to stop the entire season caving-in.
THE SHNAKE - 5/10
Well, we don't know, and it seems he doesn't either -
"We need quality in," became ' We need to respect and work
with the players we have," in the space of a couple of
months.
And the 'system' resembles a slap-dash casual assembly
of individuals given free-reign to improvise, not bound
by any intensity or structure.
The whole sense of his approach is drifting towards a
lack of urgency to address obvious flaws; almost like
he can't be bothered with the hassle of micro-managing
areas of concern that are costing us dearly.
Makes you wonder who's really in charge here, if anybody
wants to be in charge here, or we're going to witness
another season of buck-passing or Buck passing-on.
MIBBERY - 5/10
"Anybody found the telly control? Anybody got a boax if
this hing's fucked?"
And so we waited until the VAR official came out the pub
after his lunchtime ploughman's with a hacked Amazon
firestick he'd bought from Hamish The Techie in the toilets.
Finally we were off, and so too was Maik; incredible
opportunity squandered by VAR to dismiss a Tim. I can only
imagine they were flipping through the movies and tv series
on offer on the firestick when the big eejit gifted them a
goat-fucker special.
Luckily, calamity was avoided and they didn't have much
else to do except chuckle at another inept Hoops display.
OVERALL - 4/10
Ah, for fuck's sake - there's not really any coming back
from this sort of performance. Reeks of 2021's disjointed
inadequacy - a side without a rhythm and proper focus.
The irony of going down to a great strike from 'not the
Celtic striker we need' is lost on no-one. He might've
been the last choice for many, but a decent choice he
was - and we all saw that...
So the gate's wide open for the cloven-hooved bastards
to gallop through and gain the high ground. They won't
miss this time because they've gained what we've lost -
focus and momentum. They'll be at it backed by a monstrous
ugly army of verminous bedlamites foaming at the mouth to
overtake us.
Last week was a major warning as to what happens when
standards drop. This week was the bitter payoff of not
heeding the clarions, not even bothering too much to
address the glaring deficiencies we've been discussing
for months.
Like 2021, the angst rises when it looks like many care
less than they should, and you wonder where the mental
strength will come from when the collective id seems
vulnerable.
That second 45 today - pulled this way and that, stretched,
sprung open, will be the poster-child for title surrender
if these Bhoys don't get their acts together in unison.
Go Away Now
Sandman
"Contradict myself? I don't contradict myself. Yes, I do,
I really do. Beautifully. Or not."
- Buck Rodgers
ROXIE - 7/10 MOTM
What would ye do without Big Joe? Well, notch up a humiliating
pumping for a start. Very difficult day for the Hart-haters,
who'd be melting their keyboards when he thrashed a couple
of passbacks out the park.
Once his own defence had stopped trying to slip it past him,
they disintegrated and we all climbed behind the couch/bar,
watching in disbelief as The Sheep ran through the sheepdogs
at will.
But cometh the our, cometh the big mhan and a double classic of
Joe stops gave the Huns blue baws.
DIEGO ARMANDO MARADONA - 5/10
Not quite sure if the wriggly wee guy with the South American
mullet is the right fit for this Celtic side, given he's got
some intricate boots but found his main obstacle to be his own
dithering winger up ahead. Forged forwards constantly, seemed
to run into trouble with as much regularity as well. Yet, still
looks like he can play a bit.
WAYNE GRETZKY - 6.5/10
Second week in a row he's been the most focussed and consistent
outfield player, all-in for the win, good strong play and a few
fine crossballs deserving of finishes.
OF JUSTICE - 5/10
Appeared a bit ill at ease, perhaps missing the CCV influence.
Certainly didn't handle a more aggressive Dons front line in
the second half; just seemed strung-out with the Melchester
Rovers shirts swarming all around him.
APOLLO CREED - 4/10
When the heat was turned up, he staggered around punch-drunk.
Lucky bhoy not to see red as the MIBs missed a sitter. Like
Liam, flustered was his default setting; skinned and rinsed by
'not the Celtic striker we need' for their goal.
CALMAC - 6/10
Poor Captain, my Captain - a Han Solo lunchtime slog in the
middle as his midfield cohorts frazzled aound him, out-fought
by snapping teuchters. But credit Calmac for holding it together
as everyone else threw their hands in the air and shook their
heads.
SAINT BERNARDO - 3.5/10
Virtually anonymous, maybe cursed by a 'system' that isolates
him between their lines and does its worst to seek him out; as
in, fruitless running by him, mostly - only example of his role
working was when he dinked the bar after finally segueing with
an attacking thrust.
THE BUILDER - 4/10
The difference. So many loose touches, failed passes, exasperating
end-product; just one of those days for the silky kid, and if he'd
managed anything near the levels he's set then we may have won
reasonably comfortably.
BRIAN DE - 3.5/10
Does anyone have the faintest inkling of what the fuck he's going
to do? Firing in deliveries like we'd signed Peter Dinklage as
centre-forward in the window. The one time he manages to lift it
he scoops a big chance onto the bar.
Cuts inside more times than a razorblade kebab, perhaps imbalanced
mostly due to the off-the-ball slug-balancing act he performs
with his top lip.
KILLER MUSHROOM - 4/10
Not a sniff. Not his fault. Found more service/ball when he
dropped into a number 10 role. But we don't need Kyogo there.
Subject of the new appendage to Brendan Rodgers' biography:
'How To Blunt A 30-Goals-A-Season Striker With Stubborn Egotistical
Tactical Choices'
ABADASS - 3.5/10
Much scampering and an early flash of promise - if he'd scored
the game was won. But faded as we've become acustomed to, too
many times when we're in need of matchwinners.
SUBS -
DUNCAN IDAHO - 6/10
The hero of Dune who sacrificed his life for the
cause. Annoyingly, he wouldn't go that far but
did rumble around and exhibit some nice touches,
escpecially for the goal.
TONY THE TIGER - N/A
'Left? Where's that? Oh, aye, I remember. Again?'
And so our new left-back turns out to be our old
right-back. Cunning plan.
RAQUEL - N/A
Some glamour to warm the locals up for the after-match
sheep cabaret.
VALUE ADDED TAX - N/A
No time for the youngster to be a hero. Like he doesn't
deserve a start, what with the dazzling performances of
the first eleven...
TAKINTE - 6.5/10
Ah, a chink of light in the frozen north wastelands.
Kieran Paddy Tierney-Roberts lifts the game and saves
the day - almost. Did manage to contribute more in his
time than the entire front line before him, showing
some nifty footwork and snatching a precious equaliser
to stop the entire season caving-in.
THE SHNAKE - 5/10
Well, we don't know, and it seems he doesn't either -
"We need quality in," became ' We need to respect and work
with the players we have," in the space of a couple of
months.
And the 'system' resembles a slap-dash casual assembly
of individuals given free-reign to improvise, not bound
by any intensity or structure.
The whole sense of his approach is drifting towards a
lack of urgency to address obvious flaws; almost like
he can't be bothered with the hassle of micro-managing
areas of concern that are costing us dearly.
Makes you wonder who's really in charge here, if anybody
wants to be in charge here, or we're going to witness
another season of buck-passing or Buck passing-on.
MIBBERY - 5/10
"Anybody found the telly control? Anybody got a boax if
this hing's fucked?"
And so we waited until the VAR official came out the pub
after his lunchtime ploughman's with a hacked Amazon
firestick he'd bought from Hamish The Techie in the toilets.
Finally we were off, and so too was Maik; incredible
opportunity squandered by VAR to dismiss a Tim. I can only
imagine they were flipping through the movies and tv series
on offer on the firestick when the big eejit gifted them a
goat-fucker special.
Luckily, calamity was avoided and they didn't have much
else to do except chuckle at another inept Hoops display.
OVERALL - 4/10
Ah, for fuck's sake - there's not really any coming back
from this sort of performance. Reeks of 2021's disjointed
inadequacy - a side without a rhythm and proper focus.
The irony of going down to a great strike from 'not the
Celtic striker we need' is lost on no-one. He might've
been the last choice for many, but a decent choice he
was - and we all saw that...
So the gate's wide open for the cloven-hooved bastards
to gallop through and gain the high ground. They won't
miss this time because they've gained what we've lost -
focus and momentum. They'll be at it backed by a monstrous
ugly army of verminous bedlamites foaming at the mouth to
overtake us.
Last week was a major warning as to what happens when
standards drop. This week was the bitter payoff of not
heeding the clarions, not even bothering too much to
address the glaring deficiencies we've been discussing
for months.
Like 2021, the angst rises when it looks like many care
less than they should, and you wonder where the mental
strength will come from when the collective id seems
vulnerable.
That second 45 today - pulled this way and that, stretched,
sprung open, will be the poster-child for title surrender
if these Bhoys don't get their acts together in unison.
Go Away Now
Sandman
hate that Motherwell lot…
