We can all use a laugh

Brimcbhoy said:
Right this is 99.99%.
I went for a haircut the other day an my usual barber was busy. Anyways I couldn't be arsed waiting, so I went round the corner to the ' Turkish(ma arse) Barber. Not a cnut in there. Brilliant I thought, I wanted a quick cut an the cnut didn't seem to speaka da english very good anyway, perfect.
Its all going well. I tell him a No 2 roon the sides an back an a wee trim wi the scissors up top.
So he's meticulous using all the clippers to blend it all in an even trims my eyebrows (that grow faster than ma heed).
I draw the line when he asks if I want ma nose waxed. At least thats what I thought he asked.
So he does the usual wi the mirror roon the back an that, I say, fine fine, like you do. Thinking the back of my neck is looking more wrinkly than it used to.
Anyways, heres the kicker. There's only him an his mate (who I thinks his boss an owns the shop) so I gets the wallet out an says 'how much?'
So this other cnut says, ' how old are you?'
FFS!!!! he was asking if I was old enough for OAP's discount!
How very dare you my mind said to me, but the indignant words came as, 'I'm 58' i'm no that old yet'.
I knew they charged £9 for a cut, so I gave him a £20 looking furiously at the 2 of them. 'Just give me a tenner' says I trying to maintain my dignity and what I thought I was clinging on to my middle age.
I went round the corner into a Wetherspoons, got a pint and thought, if ye said ye were 65 this pint would be free, ya knobhead.
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Celebrate your age mate
Many are denied the privilege
I happily take the 'seniors' discount at places of business
I earned it, and embrace it
Now, I thought you were going to tell me you had gone to the same barber as me
Here's the story
"Good morning sire, what are we doing today ?"
"I'd like it square cut at the back, one sideburn left longer than the other, a bit of a Monks cut at the top of my head and I'd like a fringe cut with one side a lot longer than the other, oh and a bit shaved out, so it looks like a bald spot at the one side, at the back"
"I can't do that !!!"
"Ye did the last time ya cunt !!!"
 
Cairnsybhoy79 said:
Superb 🤣after he slipped and fell u just widnae get story like that here in the paper oh and over here the marines wid be charged way attempt murder 😒
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One time I got the nick the coppers kicked fuck out of me then told the court I got my injuries by repeated falling in the cell due to swallowing drugs I had stashed. Fucking liars, the gear wisny that good 😂
 
I remember a midweek game at ibrokes in the seventies when Bobby Lennox stuck the ball past John Grieg in the box and as he passed him Grieg just volleyed him and snapped his leg. The very unbiased and honest grand master in the lodge and masons referee Tiny Wharton waived play on as he had spotted Bobby’s cunning plan of breaking his own leg in two to cheat him into giving a penalty against the ranjurs. The next day a reporter visited Bobby in hospital and asked him when did he realise his leg was broken and Bobby replied “ when I saw John Grieg running towards me “ 😂😂
 
Miktim said:
One time I got the nick the coppers kicked fuck out of me then told the court I got my injuries by repeated falling in the cell due to swallowing drugs I had stashed. Fucking liars, the gear wisny that good 😂
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Fuckin animals they set about me one time jumped over my head I was cuffed at the back aswell so u cud imagine I was mangled the bastards had a cheek to gee me a weekender by charging me with 3 polis assaults 😡 so Monday morning doon glesga sheriff cells they take me up the to the desk checked I was me 🤕 then told me to go cell 10 which was the bail cell so confused i said av not been up yet awe we know u got a p.f's release 🤬the one and only time I ever got one fuckin scummy bastards man
 
Cairnsybhoy79 said:
Fuckin animals they set about me one time jumped over my head I was cuffed at the back aswell so u cud imagine I was mangled the bastards had a cheek to gee me a weekender by charging me with 3 polis assaults 😡 so Monday morning doon glesga sheriff cells they take me up the to the desk checked I was me 🤕 then told me to go cell 10 which was the bail cell so confused i said av not been up yet awe we know u got a p.f's release 🤬the one and only time I ever got one fuckin scummy bastards man
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Scum, as soon as they punch you they charge you with police assault ACAB 1312
 
Got lifted yrs ago for a breach of the peace, was walking home and they just lifted me Bassas, anyway months l8r I'm in court pled not guilty. My lawyer asks the first cop what happened to make you arrest my client, cop says he was singing IRA songs and was drunk, Lawyer asks second cop the same question, he was drunk and singing the Billy Boys song.

Fiscal withdraws charge and I was free to go, Judge also recommended to the fiscal that he looks into the 2cops for waisting the courts time.... Pair of picks couldn't even lie right. 👍😉
 
50 Shades of Green said:
Got lifted yrs ago for a breach of the peace, was walking home and they just lifted me Bassas, anyway months l8r I'm in court pled not guilty. My lawyer asks the first cop what happened to make you arrest my client, cop says he was singing IRA songs and was drunk, Lawyer asks second cop the same question, he was drunk and singing the Billy Boys song.

Fiscal withdraws charge and I was free to go, Judge also recommended to the fiscal that he looks into the 2cops for waisting the courts time.... Pair of picks couldn't even lie right. 👍😉
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So which one was you singing then 50? The IRA song or the Billy Boys??? Your entire future on the Noise depends on your answer!
 
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