We can all use a laugh

Smelltheg-love said:
GREENOCK NEW LOCKDOWN RULES FROM 13th DECEMBER 2021

GIBBY: It’s still ok to fight with your neighbour as long as you wear a mask and social distancing rules are adhered to

QB : Burgling homes in your local area is still permitted as long as you sanitise. Track and trace technology must be used.

BELVA: You can only visit your dealer when dropping your kids off at school. Dealers must wear visors and sanitise all bags.

WEST END: You can still have sex with your sister but you must be home by 10 pm.

THE BOW: Vigilante groups of 6 only permitted outdoors between the hours of 10 pm and 6am, ppe must be worn during physical contact & raves.

WELL PARK: Sitting in the park is encouraged, but please note, although a bottle of white lightening has higher alcohol content than hand sanitiser, it is not a suitable substitute.

TOWN CENTRE: Prostitute services will still be permitted to stay open as an essential service. Due to concerns of an economic collapse in the area.

LARKFIELD: Is now classed as a ‘NO GO ZONE’. If you must travel through this area please follow all diversions, stay in your car at all times. Masks are not required as nothing is open.

BROOMHILL: All middle class drug fueled swinging orgies must adere to the rule of 6. Masks must be worn. Gimp masks are deemed suitable.

CLLYNDER ROAD: Flashing your genitalia on the cycle track is permitted strictly between the hours of 9am-10am, sterile gloves must be worn at all times.

BURNS SQUARE : No need to wear a mask or self isolate, covid can’t find your house.

BRANCHTON: Everyone must stay at home and self isolate until manufacturers can supply and distribute gloves with 6 fingers.
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Braeside not on the list ...the young Brae team know the rules 😉
 
An auld Chic Murray joke, but it's worth the retelling in case our younger Noisers haven't heard it
A bloke was standing outside a supermarket, beautiful dog on the leash. Guy comes along, obviously a dog lover. What a magnificent animal he says. Does your dog bite ? Guy wi ' the dog says naw, naw it disnae. Dog lover crouches forward to pat the dog. Dog lunges at him and takes a chunk out of his arm. Bloke jumps back screamin' ya dirty bas.... you said yer dug disnae bite ! Bloke answers back, it disnae mate......that's no ma dug. Ok jaicket's oan.
 
Frank Owen said:
An auld Chic Murray joke, but it's worth the retelling in case our younger Noisers haven't heard it
A bloke was standing outside a supermarket, beautiful dog on the leash. Guy comes along, obviously a dog lover. What a magnificent animal he says. Does your dog bite ? Guy wi ' the dog says naw, naw it disnae. Dog lover crouches forward to pat the dog. Dog lunges at him and takes a chunk out of his arm. Bloke jumps back screamin' ya dirty bas.... you said yer dug disnae bite ! Bloke answers back, it disnae mate......that's no ma dug. Ok jaicket's oan.
Click to expand...
Chic Murray, a Greenock Legend
 
Right this is 99.99%.
I went for a haircut the other day an my usual barber was busy. Anyways I couldn't be arsed waiting, so I went round the corner to the ' Turkish(ma arse) Barber. Not a cnut in there. Brilliant I thought, I wanted a quick cut an the cnut didn't seem to speaka da english very good anyway, perfect.
Its all going well. I tell him a No 2 roon the sides an back an a wee trim wi the scissors up top.
So he's meticulous using all the clippers to blend it all in an even trims my eyebrows (that grow faster than ma heed).
I draw the line when he asks if I want ma nose waxed. At least thats what I thought he asked.
So he does the usual wi the mirror roon the back an that, I say, fine fine, like you do. Thinking the back of my neck is looking more wrinkly than it used to.
Anyways, heres the kicker. There's only him an his mate (who I thinks his boss an owns the shop) so I gets the wallet out an says 'how much?'
So this other cnut says, ' how old are you?'
FFS!!!! he was asking if I was old enough for OAP's discount!
How very dare you my mind said to me, but the indignant words came as, 'I'm 58' i'm no that old yet'.
I knew they charged £9 for a cut, so I gave him a £20 looking furiously at the 2 of them. 'Just give me a tenner' says I trying to maintain my dignity and what I thought I was clinging on to my middle age.
I went round the corner into a Wetherspoons, got a pint and thought, if ye said ye were 65 this pint would be free, ya knobhead.
 
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Brimcbhoy said:
Right this is 99.99%.
I went for a haircut the other day an my usual barber was busy. Anyways I couldn't be arsed waiting, so I went round the corner to the ' Turkish(ma arse) Barber. Not a cnut in there. Brilliant I thought, I wanted a quick cut an the cnut didn't seem to speaka da english very good anyway, perfect.
Its all going well. I tell him a No 2 roon the sides an back an a wee trim wi the scissors up top.
So he's meticulous using all the clippers to blend it all in an even trims my eyebrows (that grow faster than ma heed).
I draw the line when he asks if I want ma nose waxed. At least thats what I thought he asked.
So he does the usual wi the mirror roon the back an that, I say, fine fine, like you do. Thinking the back of my neck is looking more wrinkly than it used to.
Anyways, heres the kicker. There's only him an his mate (who I thinks his boss an owns the shop) so I gets the wallet out an says 'how much?'
So this other cnut says, ' how old are you?'
FFS!!!! he was asking if I was old enough for OAP's discount!
How very dare you my mind said to me, but the indignant words came as, 'I'm 58' i'm no that old yet'.
I knew they charged £9 for a cut, so I gave him a £20 looking furiously at the 2 of them. 'Just give me a tenner' says I trying to maintain my dignity and what I thought I was clinging on to my middle age.
I went round the corner into a Wetherspoons, got a pint and thought, if ye said ye were 65 this pint would be free, ya knobhead.
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I've had some laughs with the pensioners discount in the taxi, we give 50p off for pensioners.

Had 2 wee old ladies fae the bingo once, the younger one must have been 80 if she was a day, anyway when I gave them the price the young one said jokingly "I hope you're not saying I'm older than 65 son" quick as fek I said "naw no you pal yir maw is though", well it turns out that her "maw" was here wee sister 😂😂😂.

Fortunately the big sister was paying and I got a tip for making her day😂😂
 
Brimcbhoy said:
Right this is 99.99%.
I went for a haircut the other day an my usual barber was busy. Anyways I couldn't be arsed waiting, so I went round the corner to the ' Turkish(ma arse) Barber. Not a cnut in there. Brilliant I thought, I wanted a quick cut an the cnut didn't seem to speaka da english very good anyway, perfect.
Its all going well. I tell him a No 2 roon the sides an back an a wee trim wi the scissors up top.
So he's meticulous using all the clippers to blend it all in an even trims my eyebrows (that grow faster than ma heed).
I draw the line when he asks if I want ma nose waxed. At least thats what I thought he asked.
So he does the usual wi the mirror roon the back an that, I say, fine fine, like you do. Thinking the back of my neck is looking more wrinkly than it used to.
Anyways, heres the kicker. There's only him an his mate (who I thinks his boss an owns the shop) so I gets the wallet out an says 'how much?'
So this other cnut says, ' how old are you?'
FFS!!!! he was asking if I was old enough for OAP's discount!
How very dare you my mind said to me, but the indignant words came as, 'I'm 58' i'm no that old yet'.
I knew they charged £9 for a cut, so I gave him a £20 looking furiously at the 2 of them. 'Just give me a tenner' says I trying to maintain my dignity and what I thought I was clinging on to my middle age.
I went round the corner into a Wetherspoons, got a pint and thought, if ye said ye were 65 this pint would be free, ya knobhead.
Click to expand...
I love going full the full works at my local Turkish barber every 6 weeks, haircut , hot towel shave, eyebrows cut, ears flamed, nose waxed and head, shoulder’s and arms massaged all for £18, throwing in a £2 tip to take it up to a round £20, 👍❤️
 
Think Sacha Boey must have overdosed on Turkish Delight.

Mouthing that he picked Galatasary over Celtic, because "they are the biggest club in Turkey, and he went there to be remembered for winning trophies".

They currently sit tenth in the Turkish League.

Gobbltygook, Sacha.🦃 🦃 🦃
 
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Its that time of year again. The nights are drawing in, set of gloves when you batter out... lubos elf issues.

Tbf it's get out of jail free card if at any point over the festive period he happens to stoat in and pish somewhere he shouldn't then black out on the couch....
"Said I was leaving after the second pint - then that bastard elf got the shots in"
Wife - "your maw has set up your old room. Called her earlier"
 
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