Shoplifting eh........
i remember meeting the weans mother and it was a bit of a whirlwind, romance would be a bit strong. We met at a gig at Murrayfield, out of our 2 groups who were nearby and mixing, it so happened it was my round and she needed the ladies a pish.
So i offered to escort her to the ladies then she could get me in the bar queue which she did......
Very politely she says, 'we'll be at least an hour, subterfuge is required'.
She walks me to the front of the bar, waits till the guy at the front of the queue orders 4 pints, the server puts them on the table, he takes out his wallet, she intervenes, you dropped money, he bends down to look, a proper look, by the time he's on his feet, she's 100 yards away with 4 pints and i'm in love.
Despite my Inverclydeness i.e. being as rough as a pair of tweed trouses on a rainy day, i was a mug for a lady whose vocabulary extended to 'subterfuge'. I remember asking other mere mortals oy ilkas opposed to the normal run of the mill birds who despite being blesse, what is subterfuge....Anyway it was nice to meet a female that thought little other than 'me, i, want, money, why not, i need/ its your turn'. Despite the breaking news that she was from Kilmarnock, i set about being a gentleman.
I tried my best to get my legover and she refused 'i've never slept with any man on the first night'..... 'oh a woman of substance i thought, finally, must be from good stock so i contented myself with overlooking the discomfort that comes with being a 3 legged fiend 'All night long' as the song goes.
Come morning she let me know that the rule had been extended for the foreseable future. Aye ok, i grudgingly admired. On the way home she was asked for ID to buy cigarettes in Harthill S/Stn, there was a school bus in at same time, but i mind the relief in not pumping someone that was ID'd for cigs. I made an ID check non negotiable on night 2. I do remember i got home with right sore knackers, the type you get when your pointing north for 12 hours until it just gives up. Gets home, (my office and home are the same thing - 3 bed house with 3 offices,) my secretary was in, theres a VAT woman in for an inspection of client XXX records. I said hello, then went next door and relieived the pain. Aye i masturbated next door while some lass was overseeing a VAT inspection. In the end it wasn't enjoyment or relief, i only remember pain.
Oh aye back to the subject matter, 2nd date she visited me from Kilmarnock, she turned up with a suitcase and by Sunday i'm like, great time, your a woman that respects yourself, despite that, any chance your going to fuck off anytime soon.....
I felt guilty, quickly turned sense into a problem that was my fault.
We had a great year, but the warning signs soon became apparent..........
We spent the XMAS holidays watching Still Game, a great few weeks i'll never deny...
but then out the blue, i sticks on Billy Connolly............ 'i don't get him, don't find him funny,
A few weeks later, she's in hospital with kidney stones, so i get to meet the parents. Mothers an angel RIP, but were all there and then out the blue, Crimewatch comes on the hospital TV. Weve spent an hour talking shite, so struggling at that point.
Crimewatch shows several scenes, 'we're looking for this thief from the Inverclyde area, she's been recorded 24 times on CCTV but never a view from the front, her dad pipes up, thats fucking you Kay, innit, its you, i know my daughter anywhere............ she admitted to me it was her,.............
Now I'm really a typical Greenockian, dragged up by parents who had fuck all but time and love for us. I remember my maw answering a question along the lines of 'you say no to everything, we never get anything'................, 'your right, your dad and i had 3 weans before your dads had his first legal pint in a pub'. Another quote I remember in my dads 40th b-day speech,
i''d like to thank my kids for getting me the 'homo-gram' (it was 30 years ago PC people'), but i've just realised, my kids can all legally drink FFS'. I was a dad at 38 then again at 40, a kid with kids. But my dad, spent every day off with the glove, theres no greater gift you can give a kid than time
I'm very close to my folks now, i appreciate them. I have an ideal now, 'i'll spend more time with my parents than i will with my friends' and its true. The realisation that they are the only people that are truly in your corner......
In reality, as a father with a tiny bundle of my own, i quickly adapted to feeling like i was the first father on earth..
I spent countless hours/ thousands really, processing fatherhood in that moment, the sheer magnitude of it. I remember people, even my folks trying to give it to me straight...... your a father now XYZ, laughing out loud, its not a laughing matter etc...... i'm not laughing at being a dad, i'm laughing at the idea that being a dad is anything other than a fucking joy. I get my kids from school Friday 3pm and put them to school on a Monday morning. Apparently i'm entitled to a night out here and there. I hear many people in my corner fight about my rights. Nobody asks my opinion....... On one hand, i could get blind drunk, snort half the snow in Lapland and take the piss out of every living soul including myself for the privelidge of waking up flat, fucked and disinterested.
i thank god every day that my folks were/are wonderful despite my ignorance
50 years after me, my dad still has that same job, knocked back an abundance of promotions over those years.'
A promotion above the role i had for the last 40 years, means slightly more money, but you are different despite being the same guy. He had 30 years working under folks that hadn't a fucking clue, but these guys had an ally, someone who with superior knowledge our the guy they go to, their true leader without a title.
Being a father with a wee bundle was easy but difficult, reprocessing your own life differently as a father was nigh impossible.
Apologies, this is a collection of thoughts from a man of unsound mind. Albeit theyre relevant, mines and utterly unsuitable to coherence.
So fuck me and fuck you
