Sandman
Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ BO PEEP'S PEN
"The Queen? THE Queen? Oh, sorry, I thought you meant
Freddie Mercury."
- Rod Stewart.
ROXIE - 7.5/10
There you are. Wondered where you'd gone. Spent first half
being goaded by Aberdeen ball boys about them having more
touches of the ball than him.
Then the pressure came and the big developing legend did the
business the way he relishes; zero chance with the goals but
strong wrist to pull off a great save from hunspawn mutation
and safe commanding hands in the heat of our meltdown.
GREGGS THE BAKER - 6.5/10
Tough and steady. Plenty going through and around him as we
fed Notebook. Seems to be flourishing in the inverted full-back
role as he's getting on the ball as much as our midfielders.
When the second-half proved a different breed of sheep entirely,
he stuck in the thick of things, battling for the win.
STAR LORD - 6/10
"Tommy! Tommy! Tommmmaaaayyy!" our Arthur Shelby yelled at
Jonny Hayes, time-tripping WW1 survivor.
Feeling gallus game after game, still manages to inject a
dose of the heebie-jeebies with his body shape occasionally
as he lines up to make a pass like a 1970's kid with rickets
just out of leg braces and barrelling into a playground
match.
Smiled his way past half-time then his yattering racoon
manifested around the penalty spot sometime in the 55th
minute as they played in a low free-kick. He didn't bother
to close it down; yelling to everyone that it was just a
hallucintaion. As it stroked in their first...
Then it beat him to a cross and the game was level. With
spirals in his eyes and lower lip trembling, I feared the
worst but somehow he hauled it together and floated through
the remainder of the game kicking anything that looked small
and furry with a bad attitude. The answer now is for Get
Carter to pin a tail on the ball in times of crisis.
GET CARTER - 7.5/10
Up North, the guy we'd send to take on a Grizzly, spent
his night eating sheep. Almost a one-man fortress as Star
Lord got his freak on and the midfield sieve-d it. Got to
the 'none shall pass' stage as he battled bodies and ball
to steady the listing ship.
Not often playing in Scotland will he feel swamped but was
tested for an uncomfortable period of time, second 45, and
will thankfully be the better for the experience.
TONY THE TIGER - 6.5/10
An unusually sticky game from Tony. Claws out but mainly
involved in build-up play first-half. He was a little
careless and slow when in possession, but compensated
with some fine balls and support play.
Of course, when the going gets tough... Well, Tony's the
bhoy to look for when you need dig and he found it, almost
literally having to use a shovel to thwart some of their
surges; would have been nice to see if it was deemed illegal
to wrap a spade round any of the frothing ex-Huns' loathsome
nappers.
CALMAC - 6.5/10
Magnificent first period, then toiled as his face fell off
at the start of the second half. Despite no vision, he
compensated for losing eyes and lips by hollering half-formed
moans from his bleeding maw of a mouth as he urged his men
back into contention. Held his line well enough as they
overran our midfield; not the skipper's blame.
HAKUNA HATATE - 6/10
Coasting through the game, then those naughty ex-bhoys Broony
and Jonny turned up the heat around him and suddenly he was
off the pace, chasing balls down when he'd been peppering them
around and learning that Scotish football isn't always as easy
as pumping the Huns was.
THE BUILDER - 7/10
A craftsman tonight, surprisingly in for Hammer Of The Dons,
Oz, but took up the mantle himself. Some delightful, inspired
passing/through balls, and the cheek to pap in his first Celtic
goal off the vagazzle of an ex-Hun.
Drifted around with impact but lost it a little in the
second-half scrap; another who'll realise the road to Paradise
comes laden with muggers. But he gathered himself enough to
lay on some late chances that should have been taken.
ABADASS - 5.5/10
Ah, the wee mhan misfired and couldn't get it all in synch.
Timing and touch were slightly out and it's enough to upset
his game given the pace he likes to play at. Surprised he
lasted so long.
LORD KATSUMOTO - 5/10
Honourable fuckup to miss a sitter in the opening minutes.
Set the tone for his night as he foraged around in the
image of 90s clumsy speedster, Mark Burchill - all pace
and lacking finesse at the crucial times (though let's
give Burchy credit for his beautiful Hunskelping moment).
NOTEBOOK - 8/10 MOTM
What would we do without our prancing horse? Class, looking
meaner and more George-on-cocaine-speedballs than Club Tropicana
pretty boy.
Such a focussed pest, nicking in to open the scoring, testing
and teasing their defence with his trickery. All very well,
but whe the chips are down - and the entire fucking frying pan
was going up in flames after their nightmare equaliser (yes,
I know I'm mixing metaphors, pedantics, but when don't I?) -
you NEED someone with the presence and ability he has to
completely turn the game and light up the night with a finish
best described as brilliant and should never be underestimated
in its difficulty. He spanked it in like a high-class dominatrix.
Jamesy near collapsed in awe.
Situation is this, Celtic board cranks - give them £10 million
and tell them to fuck off and never speak to him again. You
can shift him on for around £45 million to some EPL whores in
summer 2025 once he's smashed the Huns into oblivion and us
into CL knockouts. Trust me.
SUBS:
BLOCKCHAIN - 6.5/10
Underestimated impact - not so much his footwork but the way
he closed up the acres of space they'd been finding between
our lines. His natural defensive poise had them playing around
him and across, rather tan cutting through us like they'd enjoyed
from the first whistle after the break.
SON OF JACKIE - 6/10
Go on and be a nuisance. And he was, very nicely eating up time,
moaning like fuck, bumping them around and draining their
nervous energy by irritating them.
OZ - N/A
"Boss, it's feckin' freezin, cobber..."
'I don't care Tommy, they're shit-scared of ya, mayte -
just get on there and smile them off their game for the last
foive..."
JAMESY - N/A
As the sound of Jamesy's zip coming down emanated from the
dugout, the rustling of sweetie papers in the main stand
reached fever-pitch and there was a mini-stampede of Dolly
the sheep's cloned flock. But he was only taking off his
trackies.
ANITA DOBSON - 7/10
Sheesh, mayte. Ya did it - three in a row and the SMSM critics
fuming. But tonight might have given him some Koala burgers to
chew on as our cuddly first-half display evaporated in a
fifteen minute scramble to stay afloat in a crocodile-infested
penalty area. but enough cheesy Aussie metaphors - your
Neighbours might complain about the groaning...
Hey, least I'm consistently corny, Home and Away...
Ange may have thought he'd picked it perfectly but Glass's
alteration and the Dons front-foot agressive posturing to
turn the score seemed to catch him off-guard. We got overrun
in the middle and picked off as the defence was outnumbered
on numerous attacks.
Notable that Ange made no HT changes as per Motherwell -
possibly expecting the starting 11 to continue their dominance
and finish the game off early. Not so, but eventually he came
out of his fugue and sorted things to see it out.
MIBBERY - 6/10
Nippy wee oddity - flashing yellows at Tims, but missing big
opportunities to slay us: the offside claim at the winner and
the penalty claim against The Builder; held my breath, astonished
and amused to see Gollum wrestle with his inner forelock-tugging
demons as he failed to make the negative calls.
OVERALL - 7/10
Phew, the Northern Frights of old Aberdeen. How to turn a nice
cruise into the Battle of Cape Lopez, ferocious pirates sacking
our impregnable defence only for our own swashbuckling bucaneer
to raise the black and wreak his own immediate vengeance. Arr...
We got through - another big, big result in the macro scope of
the season. Ex-heroes, legends, and ex-horribles refused to die
peacefully and put our new heroes to a thorough test.
But the cruel way we punished their impudence - and the swiftness
of our killer counter - will fortify our squad's belief.
Not yours, or the number of despairing who'd dragged out the
sewing machine and started on the 'reaper-cushions' disparaging
posts as Angeball looked to have run into a lampost; our nerves
are not of the steel of those Bhoys who looked up from young
Fergiehun's strike that set his uncle pumping his Da'...
They shook it off and went right up the park and won the game.
Again. And soon, pretty soon, we'll hit another TEN of meaning;
Ten league games to go. The countdown will be on, and you just
can't count these Bhoys out, ever.
Dedicated to the memory of Davie Cattanach, a player who drifted
through and around the realms of Celtic's greatest days - a Forrest
Gump for those ages, bearing witness to our epic historical moments
from the inside, doing his bit when called upon, living out a dream
of millions.
You can read his excellent bio by Matt Corr on the Celtic Star main
page.
RIP Davie.
Go Away Now
Sandman.
"The Queen? THE Queen? Oh, sorry, I thought you meant
Freddie Mercury."
- Rod Stewart.
ROXIE - 7.5/10
There you are. Wondered where you'd gone. Spent first half
being goaded by Aberdeen ball boys about them having more
touches of the ball than him.
Then the pressure came and the big developing legend did the
business the way he relishes; zero chance with the goals but
strong wrist to pull off a great save from hunspawn mutation
and safe commanding hands in the heat of our meltdown.
GREGGS THE BAKER - 6.5/10
Tough and steady. Plenty going through and around him as we
fed Notebook. Seems to be flourishing in the inverted full-back
role as he's getting on the ball as much as our midfielders.
When the second-half proved a different breed of sheep entirely,
he stuck in the thick of things, battling for the win.
STAR LORD - 6/10
"Tommy! Tommy! Tommmmaaaayyy!" our Arthur Shelby yelled at
Jonny Hayes, time-tripping WW1 survivor.
Feeling gallus game after game, still manages to inject a
dose of the heebie-jeebies with his body shape occasionally
as he lines up to make a pass like a 1970's kid with rickets
just out of leg braces and barrelling into a playground
match.
Smiled his way past half-time then his yattering racoon
manifested around the penalty spot sometime in the 55th
minute as they played in a low free-kick. He didn't bother
to close it down; yelling to everyone that it was just a
hallucintaion. As it stroked in their first...
Then it beat him to a cross and the game was level. With
spirals in his eyes and lower lip trembling, I feared the
worst but somehow he hauled it together and floated through
the remainder of the game kicking anything that looked small
and furry with a bad attitude. The answer now is for Get
Carter to pin a tail on the ball in times of crisis.
GET CARTER - 7.5/10
Up North, the guy we'd send to take on a Grizzly, spent
his night eating sheep. Almost a one-man fortress as Star
Lord got his freak on and the midfield sieve-d it. Got to
the 'none shall pass' stage as he battled bodies and ball
to steady the listing ship.
Not often playing in Scotland will he feel swamped but was
tested for an uncomfortable period of time, second 45, and
will thankfully be the better for the experience.
TONY THE TIGER - 6.5/10
An unusually sticky game from Tony. Claws out but mainly
involved in build-up play first-half. He was a little
careless and slow when in possession, but compensated
with some fine balls and support play.
Of course, when the going gets tough... Well, Tony's the
bhoy to look for when you need dig and he found it, almost
literally having to use a shovel to thwart some of their
surges; would have been nice to see if it was deemed illegal
to wrap a spade round any of the frothing ex-Huns' loathsome
nappers.
CALMAC - 6.5/10
Magnificent first period, then toiled as his face fell off
at the start of the second half. Despite no vision, he
compensated for losing eyes and lips by hollering half-formed
moans from his bleeding maw of a mouth as he urged his men
back into contention. Held his line well enough as they
overran our midfield; not the skipper's blame.
HAKUNA HATATE - 6/10
Coasting through the game, then those naughty ex-bhoys Broony
and Jonny turned up the heat around him and suddenly he was
off the pace, chasing balls down when he'd been peppering them
around and learning that Scotish football isn't always as easy
as pumping the Huns was.
THE BUILDER - 7/10
A craftsman tonight, surprisingly in for Hammer Of The Dons,
Oz, but took up the mantle himself. Some delightful, inspired
passing/through balls, and the cheek to pap in his first Celtic
goal off the vagazzle of an ex-Hun.
Drifted around with impact but lost it a little in the
second-half scrap; another who'll realise the road to Paradise
comes laden with muggers. But he gathered himself enough to
lay on some late chances that should have been taken.
ABADASS - 5.5/10
Ah, the wee mhan misfired and couldn't get it all in synch.
Timing and touch were slightly out and it's enough to upset
his game given the pace he likes to play at. Surprised he
lasted so long.
LORD KATSUMOTO - 5/10
Honourable fuckup to miss a sitter in the opening minutes.
Set the tone for his night as he foraged around in the
image of 90s clumsy speedster, Mark Burchill - all pace
and lacking finesse at the crucial times (though let's
give Burchy credit for his beautiful Hunskelping moment).
NOTEBOOK - 8/10 MOTM
What would we do without our prancing horse? Class, looking
meaner and more George-on-cocaine-speedballs than Club Tropicana
pretty boy.
Such a focussed pest, nicking in to open the scoring, testing
and teasing their defence with his trickery. All very well,
but whe the chips are down - and the entire fucking frying pan
was going up in flames after their nightmare equaliser (yes,
I know I'm mixing metaphors, pedantics, but when don't I?) -
you NEED someone with the presence and ability he has to
completely turn the game and light up the night with a finish
best described as brilliant and should never be underestimated
in its difficulty. He spanked it in like a high-class dominatrix.
Jamesy near collapsed in awe.
Situation is this, Celtic board cranks - give them £10 million
and tell them to fuck off and never speak to him again. You
can shift him on for around £45 million to some EPL whores in
summer 2025 once he's smashed the Huns into oblivion and us
into CL knockouts. Trust me.
SUBS:
BLOCKCHAIN - 6.5/10
Underestimated impact - not so much his footwork but the way
he closed up the acres of space they'd been finding between
our lines. His natural defensive poise had them playing around
him and across, rather tan cutting through us like they'd enjoyed
from the first whistle after the break.
SON OF JACKIE - 6/10
Go on and be a nuisance. And he was, very nicely eating up time,
moaning like fuck, bumping them around and draining their
nervous energy by irritating them.
OZ - N/A
"Boss, it's feckin' freezin, cobber..."
'I don't care Tommy, they're shit-scared of ya, mayte -
just get on there and smile them off their game for the last
foive..."
JAMESY - N/A
As the sound of Jamesy's zip coming down emanated from the
dugout, the rustling of sweetie papers in the main stand
reached fever-pitch and there was a mini-stampede of Dolly
the sheep's cloned flock. But he was only taking off his
trackies.
ANITA DOBSON - 7/10
Sheesh, mayte. Ya did it - three in a row and the SMSM critics
fuming. But tonight might have given him some Koala burgers to
chew on as our cuddly first-half display evaporated in a
fifteen minute scramble to stay afloat in a crocodile-infested
penalty area. but enough cheesy Aussie metaphors - your
Neighbours might complain about the groaning...
Hey, least I'm consistently corny, Home and Away...
Ange may have thought he'd picked it perfectly but Glass's
alteration and the Dons front-foot agressive posturing to
turn the score seemed to catch him off-guard. We got overrun
in the middle and picked off as the defence was outnumbered
on numerous attacks.
Notable that Ange made no HT changes as per Motherwell -
possibly expecting the starting 11 to continue their dominance
and finish the game off early. Not so, but eventually he came
out of his fugue and sorted things to see it out.
MIBBERY - 6/10
Nippy wee oddity - flashing yellows at Tims, but missing big
opportunities to slay us: the offside claim at the winner and
the penalty claim against The Builder; held my breath, astonished
and amused to see Gollum wrestle with his inner forelock-tugging
demons as he failed to make the negative calls.
OVERALL - 7/10
Phew, the Northern Frights of old Aberdeen. How to turn a nice
cruise into the Battle of Cape Lopez, ferocious pirates sacking
our impregnable defence only for our own swashbuckling bucaneer
to raise the black and wreak his own immediate vengeance. Arr...
We got through - another big, big result in the macro scope of
the season. Ex-heroes, legends, and ex-horribles refused to die
peacefully and put our new heroes to a thorough test.
But the cruel way we punished their impudence - and the swiftness
of our killer counter - will fortify our squad's belief.
Not yours, or the number of despairing who'd dragged out the
sewing machine and started on the 'reaper-cushions' disparaging
posts as Angeball looked to have run into a lampost; our nerves
are not of the steel of those Bhoys who looked up from young
Fergiehun's strike that set his uncle pumping his Da'...
They shook it off and went right up the park and won the game.
Again. And soon, pretty soon, we'll hit another TEN of meaning;
Ten league games to go. The countdown will be on, and you just
can't count these Bhoys out, ever.
Dedicated to the memory of Davie Cattanach, a player who drifted
through and around the realms of Celtic's greatest days - a Forrest
Gump for those ages, bearing witness to our epic historical moments
from the inside, doing his bit when called upon, living out a dream
of millions.
You can read his excellent bio by Matt Corr on the Celtic Star main
page.
RIP Davie.
Go Away Now
Sandman.
. 
