Sandman
Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ FOLSOM COUNTY JAIL
"Familiarity breeds contempt. Familiarity in Dingwall
breeds with yer cousin."
- Well known Heelan' proverb.
SIEGHEIL - 6.5/10
That favourite saluting arm of his made a terrific and
timely save to cool the Coonty jets as they sought a
second retaliation. Was a calm, nerveless replacement
for Joe as the Head & Shoulders repair cream attended
to his damaged scalp. Also liked his no-nonsense approach
with the ball at his feet under pressure; Have it!
DIEGO ARMANDO MARADONA - 6.5/10
A hectic full debut Celtic meant getting whacked late,
and facing up to a pair of tricky opponents whilst
still applying the forward surges and inveted-nippleisms
his manager demands.
The prodigy of D10S looked the part and but for an
absent killer final ball might have been the star man.
Like his Dad was. Always.
RAQUEL - 6/10
Her pretty heid rattled the bar early and had good
marshalling of the defence until a groin problem -
not unusual when you're as hot as Raquel - ended a
promising return to first-team action.
BIG MERCEDES - 5.5/10
Lazy big bassa thought it was a stroll until his
casual lapses cost us. Most Mercs worth their
price tag are automatic with cruise control, and
he was firmly coasting along in 'drive' until he
got suckered sleeping as Coonty's battle giant
stole in for an easy nod.
Not like you could miss a unit of that size moving
past you but Jenz presumably thought it was an
eclipse and looked away. Will need to sharpen up
for bigger challenges ahead.
TONY THE TIGER - 7/10
Tony loves a Dingwall shindig. And on the site of
his epic Hun-implosion strike sometime around dawn
in last season's pivotal fixture he didn't disappoint
with his critical involvement - laying on two goals
and a continual rampaging torment for the home side.
CALMAC - 7.5/10 MOTM
The indefatigable captain plays in a game he shouldn't
have been anywhere near and - flying in the face of my
terror that he got injured - proceeded to boss the game
and set us on our way with the opener while adding in
a ranged effort that rebounded for Daizen's killer goal.
Then our most vital cog was finally whisked away (phew)
into the rejuvenation vat where he'll be suspended in
clear-but-blue-tinted science fiction bio-liquid, pumped
full of nutrients, and have any niggling injury issues
repaired internally by medical nano-bots injected into
his bloodstream. Yeah, like in Demolition Man or something...
MOOEY - 7/10
Terrific game, bouncing around the mid like Tommy Gravesen
on Angel Dust. Barely wasted a pass, made some incisive
ones, not afraid to get stuck in and a sharper footballer
than he looks from a distance; though he does also resemble
my concept of the streamlined android version of Broony that
Skynet might send back in time to kill John Lundstram.
EDDIE TURNBULL - 6/10
Some old head on young shoulders moments form our twisty-turny
but not yet Tommy Burns-y centre-mid playmaker with ambitions.
He's alway got a bit of footballing nous in those old boots
he inherited from Billy Dane, but the full extent of the magic
is yet to manifest totally this season to date. Plenty time.
Though maybe not at his age (deid)...
LORD KATSUMOTO - 7/10
A Hun-hunting he will go after yet another kamikaze all-in
performance that rewarded our closing-down-machine with a
big goal; snapped in with the reaction speed of a rattlesnake
taking the hamster Alfie Morelos feeds in to the tube that
pokes out the back of his shorts. No idea what I'm getting at
there. Call Richard Gere...
Will we see Daizen exact honourable blitzing upon a fraught
Darkside backline come Saturday lunchtime? Perhaps better to
hold him in reserve to harrass them second-half and stifle
any resugences. Whilst also scoring our tenth.
SON OF JACKIE - 7/10
A big mhan with a big heart. Hearing of Corpus Christie's
traumatic day at Anfield on Saturday, Jackie paid tribute
by lashing one out of Dingwall from the same position
as Corpus' finest Celtic sand wedge effort back in early
'21.
Once honouring misadventuring posh boys was done, he clipped
in a nice finish with his own standing leg, missed a hat-trick
of others and tuned up for the Uglies by picking a squabble
with Coonty's own biggest and bugliest, Iamacavity.
ABADASS - 6.5/10
The kid needs a new heid! Sharp intakes all round as he was
bouldered over in a 'robust' tackle and landed awkwardly.
He survived and recovered and precautions must be taken
because he's looking very focussed and dangerous this season
and strikes me as a kid for whom the bigger the game the
bigger his appetite. Every time he was on the ball and
running, expectations rose. More to come, certainly.
SUBS -
JAMESY - 6.5/10
Jamesy's sporting the Cary Grant look and sweeping the ladies
off their feet in a similar manner he swept in his goal; and
not with his foot, girls...
Appeared rejuvenated and up for it as he linked with Tony and
overloaded County's left flank until the inevitable dividend
arrived. Fourteen seasons in a row we've now seen Jamesy score
in; take a bow. He's also got some goals for Celtic too.
HACKY SACK - 6.5/10
"My grandfather, he fight in Balakan wars in 90s, but I, Sead,
have been to Dingwall. My Grandfather, he now family pussy."
That was all I could make out in his post-match interview with
hardcore Serbian sports channel 'Soccer Bastard Now', but the
lad looks like he's got the feet and wits of a footballer and
livened up the Hoops with his tasty cameo.
STAR LORD - 5.5/10
Would he make it 3 goals in 3 games? No, he'd get out-jumped
and sell one. Damn...
MCCARTHYISM - N/A
Just happy to be there, game-time a nice bonus before warming
the padded stand seat come Saturday, etc.
ANITA DOBSON - 8/10
A masterstroke throwing in Hacky Sack which scuppered
Coonty's revival plans: Totally flummoxed Big Mad KKK
Malky, who had spent the week coaching his team to
batter the immigrant from MonteNEGRO, and he turns out
to be white! Imagine his surprise...
Before they could process it, we'd restored the two-goal
lead and the result was all but sealed. Aside from such
attention to detail, this was a stringent test of Angeball
as a basic coaching framework, throwing in 9 changes and
seeing if the mechanism still functioned with differing
personnel.
Nothing but satisfaction and confirmation, then, in the
Big Ange Philosophy exhibition tonight.
MIBBERY - 4/10
Gollum it was, current hate figure of the ungrateful
ludge miscreants - no recognition of the years of
service he's given them, but that's Nazis for ye...
Tonight, as we might have expected, a few rowdy
challenges went properly unpunished and leeway
extended to some flying arms and wrestling. But like
so many times this past year, our football beat the
MIB as well as the opposition, convincingly.
OVERALL - 7.5/10
As risk-free and comfortable a night up North as
we could have hoped for. Rugged berserkers didn't
assemble anywhere near as intractably as in the
recent past and the Bhoys mostly eased to a nice
victory.
Kudos to those given the shirt who didn't let the
sizeable travelling rebel force down and gave us
another memorable night in the tundra.
All but a testing precursor to the coming week of
frenzy and fury and fucking yee-ha that we roll
into with more hope than fear and more relish than
anxiety; bring on the royal jesters, both sets of
them...
Go Away Now
Sandman
"Familiarity breeds contempt. Familiarity in Dingwall
breeds with yer cousin."
- Well known Heelan' proverb.
SIEGHEIL - 6.5/10
That favourite saluting arm of his made a terrific and
timely save to cool the Coonty jets as they sought a
second retaliation. Was a calm, nerveless replacement
for Joe as the Head & Shoulders repair cream attended
to his damaged scalp. Also liked his no-nonsense approach
with the ball at his feet under pressure; Have it!
DIEGO ARMANDO MARADONA - 6.5/10
A hectic full debut Celtic meant getting whacked late,
and facing up to a pair of tricky opponents whilst
still applying the forward surges and inveted-nippleisms
his manager demands.
The prodigy of D10S looked the part and but for an
absent killer final ball might have been the star man.
Like his Dad was. Always.
RAQUEL - 6/10
Her pretty heid rattled the bar early and had good
marshalling of the defence until a groin problem -
not unusual when you're as hot as Raquel - ended a
promising return to first-team action.
BIG MERCEDES - 5.5/10
Lazy big bassa thought it was a stroll until his
casual lapses cost us. Most Mercs worth their
price tag are automatic with cruise control, and
he was firmly coasting along in 'drive' until he
got suckered sleeping as Coonty's battle giant
stole in for an easy nod.
Not like you could miss a unit of that size moving
past you but Jenz presumably thought it was an
eclipse and looked away. Will need to sharpen up
for bigger challenges ahead.
TONY THE TIGER - 7/10
Tony loves a Dingwall shindig. And on the site of
his epic Hun-implosion strike sometime around dawn
in last season's pivotal fixture he didn't disappoint
with his critical involvement - laying on two goals
and a continual rampaging torment for the home side.
CALMAC - 7.5/10 MOTM
The indefatigable captain plays in a game he shouldn't
have been anywhere near and - flying in the face of my
terror that he got injured - proceeded to boss the game
and set us on our way with the opener while adding in
a ranged effort that rebounded for Daizen's killer goal.
Then our most vital cog was finally whisked away (phew)
into the rejuvenation vat where he'll be suspended in
clear-but-blue-tinted science fiction bio-liquid, pumped
full of nutrients, and have any niggling injury issues
repaired internally by medical nano-bots injected into
his bloodstream. Yeah, like in Demolition Man or something...
MOOEY - 7/10
Terrific game, bouncing around the mid like Tommy Gravesen
on Angel Dust. Barely wasted a pass, made some incisive
ones, not afraid to get stuck in and a sharper footballer
than he looks from a distance; though he does also resemble
my concept of the streamlined android version of Broony that
Skynet might send back in time to kill John Lundstram.
EDDIE TURNBULL - 6/10
Some old head on young shoulders moments form our twisty-turny
but not yet Tommy Burns-y centre-mid playmaker with ambitions.
He's alway got a bit of footballing nous in those old boots
he inherited from Billy Dane, but the full extent of the magic
is yet to manifest totally this season to date. Plenty time.
Though maybe not at his age (deid)...
LORD KATSUMOTO - 7/10
A Hun-hunting he will go after yet another kamikaze all-in
performance that rewarded our closing-down-machine with a
big goal; snapped in with the reaction speed of a rattlesnake
taking the hamster Alfie Morelos feeds in to the tube that
pokes out the back of his shorts. No idea what I'm getting at
there. Call Richard Gere...
Will we see Daizen exact honourable blitzing upon a fraught
Darkside backline come Saturday lunchtime? Perhaps better to
hold him in reserve to harrass them second-half and stifle
any resugences. Whilst also scoring our tenth.
SON OF JACKIE - 7/10
A big mhan with a big heart. Hearing of Corpus Christie's
traumatic day at Anfield on Saturday, Jackie paid tribute
by lashing one out of Dingwall from the same position
as Corpus' finest Celtic sand wedge effort back in early
'21.
Once honouring misadventuring posh boys was done, he clipped
in a nice finish with his own standing leg, missed a hat-trick
of others and tuned up for the Uglies by picking a squabble
with Coonty's own biggest and bugliest, Iamacavity.
ABADASS - 6.5/10
The kid needs a new heid! Sharp intakes all round as he was
bouldered over in a 'robust' tackle and landed awkwardly.
He survived and recovered and precautions must be taken
because he's looking very focussed and dangerous this season
and strikes me as a kid for whom the bigger the game the
bigger his appetite. Every time he was on the ball and
running, expectations rose. More to come, certainly.
SUBS -
JAMESY - 6.5/10
Jamesy's sporting the Cary Grant look and sweeping the ladies
off their feet in a similar manner he swept in his goal; and
not with his foot, girls...
Appeared rejuvenated and up for it as he linked with Tony and
overloaded County's left flank until the inevitable dividend
arrived. Fourteen seasons in a row we've now seen Jamesy score
in; take a bow. He's also got some goals for Celtic too.
HACKY SACK - 6.5/10
"My grandfather, he fight in Balakan wars in 90s, but I, Sead,
have been to Dingwall. My Grandfather, he now family pussy."
That was all I could make out in his post-match interview with
hardcore Serbian sports channel 'Soccer Bastard Now', but the
lad looks like he's got the feet and wits of a footballer and
livened up the Hoops with his tasty cameo.
STAR LORD - 5.5/10
Would he make it 3 goals in 3 games? No, he'd get out-jumped
and sell one. Damn...
MCCARTHYISM - N/A
Just happy to be there, game-time a nice bonus before warming
the padded stand seat come Saturday, etc.
ANITA DOBSON - 8/10
A masterstroke throwing in Hacky Sack which scuppered
Coonty's revival plans: Totally flummoxed Big Mad KKK
Malky, who had spent the week coaching his team to
batter the immigrant from MonteNEGRO, and he turns out
to be white! Imagine his surprise...
Before they could process it, we'd restored the two-goal
lead and the result was all but sealed. Aside from such
attention to detail, this was a stringent test of Angeball
as a basic coaching framework, throwing in 9 changes and
seeing if the mechanism still functioned with differing
personnel.
Nothing but satisfaction and confirmation, then, in the
Big Ange Philosophy exhibition tonight.
MIBBERY - 4/10
Gollum it was, current hate figure of the ungrateful
ludge miscreants - no recognition of the years of
service he's given them, but that's Nazis for ye...
Tonight, as we might have expected, a few rowdy
challenges went properly unpunished and leeway
extended to some flying arms and wrestling. But like
so many times this past year, our football beat the
MIB as well as the opposition, convincingly.
OVERALL - 7.5/10
As risk-free and comfortable a night up North as
we could have hoped for. Rugged berserkers didn't
assemble anywhere near as intractably as in the
recent past and the Bhoys mostly eased to a nice
victory.
Kudos to those given the shirt who didn't let the
sizeable travelling rebel force down and gave us
another memorable night in the tundra.
All but a testing precursor to the coming week of
frenzy and fury and fucking yee-ha that we roll
into with more hope than fear and more relish than
anxiety; bring on the royal jesters, both sets of
them...
Go Away Now
Sandman
