Sandman
Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ JAM TOMORROW FACTORY
'George Square Saturday Evenng - Dead Rubber Cup Champions Party;
Bring a buckie and a Butcher's Apron as we celebrate mediocrity.'
- Glasgow Entertainment Tonight Section, The Herald.
ROXIE - 6.5/10
Thanks for Joe, Jesus...Or Jesus Joe; Stood like a saviour
between the forces of darkness and the malfunctioning Hoops.
Unsighted for the first and may be disappointed he didn't
get a wider deflection on the slapshot by their Scouse
sink-estate pimp. But will be raging his defence managed to
let the fairytale princess in on the rebound first.
After that, spared the blushes with some great goalkeeping.
DIEGO ARMANDO MARADONA - 5/10
For me, the kid gets a pass - which, ironically, is what he
attempted to do every time he had the ball but found a paucity
of hooped jerseys able or tuned-in enough to link with. Kept
trying to play football in spite of the disinterest of his peers.
TONY THE TIGER - 4.5/10
Tony, touch, touch... A grim outing for the Tiger and an
understandable one - sometimes you just can't get the touch
right after a long lay-off and he'll be cursing the mirror
that his senses betrayed him today of all days.
Still forgaged with 100% effort to salvage something but
knew it was 'one of those.'
MR.KOBAYASHI - 3/10
Appalled by the depravity around him, shaken by the
frenzy of serial losers desperate to prevent their frothing
hordes invading the pitch and raping them, it was a baptism
of hellfire for Keyser Soze's appointed representative.
Far too casual and far too nice. Rumbled off the ball by a
cartoon character, never got his anime together to offer
more than a shadowy presence in a game that required vivid
prominance.
SHAG LORD - 7/10 MOTM
This past week, my admiration for the Swedish lothario has
grown exponentially, for... Reasons... That do not need to
be mentioned...
Not at fault today for that 3rd-goal shambles which exemplified
the midfield malaise; No VAR review of studs slid in at knee
height from the Ladyboy, surprise, surprise.
Indeed, Shaglord didn't put a foot wrong, snappy to every
loose ball, tidy in possession.
Must be wondering why in hell the rest of them chose this
game to retreat from the limelight. Me, I'm wondering how
he even managed to set foot on the park; must be knackered...
CALMAC - 3/10
Captain, my Captain... Calamity. Nightmares of Mordor reboot
as the skipper skipped a game, failed to put a single telling
move together then managed to sell the jerseys in conjunction
with Reo with a bizarre lapse which summed the day entirely.
And got booked. Echoes of his covid season.
THE BUILDER - 5.5/10
Of the midfield, Matty was decent-ish. Got himself together
for a spell and was our most dangerous player, finding space
behind their lines - managed our only SOT which produced a
freakishly good save from the Rapist's Apprentice.
Another pass, because it's difficult to function alone in
the middle of a derby when the only energy around you is
bedecked in Slaver Empire Blue.
HAKUNA HATATE - 3/10
Frustrated as you or I, anonymous as a Hun in the Vatican.
Posted missing in a befuddled misfiring midfield as he and
Calmac just could not find their mojo.
ABADASS - 3.5/10
Well, at least it appears the young Hunskelper has settled
his differences and quelled his desire to depart; first
start in a big game since early season and early on it
looked a pertinent choice as he got at it quickly, setting
up Oh with a perfect ball and we're thinking he was going
to savage another Hun fullback.
But the service dried up, his movement stuttered and he
ended up isolated and kicking his heels, unable to impact.
OH BHOY - 4.5/10
Oh, damn. Fine, fine margins, and fine dinks coming off posts
define them. Got to say he was filthy unlucky as the near-perfect
finish became a near-miss. If that had gone in the implosion
around the Hate Pit would have been epic and we may have gone
on to tank them.
As it was, they got the luck, we never got the lift, and that
set the tone for the rest of the game. The Bhoy Oh faded with
the rest and never hustled the gargoyles in their backline
anywhere near enough to cause proper trouble.
NOTEBOOK - 4.5/10
Well, he scrapped and battled like Begbie at a wedding
reception but guilty feet had no rhythm. Threatened to
light them up on a few ocassions but his fated slip on
the edge of their box second-half just told its own tale
of a sorry lunchtime at Klub Tropiklana.
SUBS -
LORD KATSUMOTO - N/A
Admired his disgusted expression every time the camera cut
to him glancing about.
KILLER MUSHROOM - N/A
At least his brief appearance caused them minor anxiety.
TONIO IWATAO - N/A
Expect to see him a lot more as we look to combat midfield
swampings.
EDDIE TURNBULL - N/A
Briefly amusing attempt to reclaim the Free Broomloan
by smashing the ball into it.
HACKY SACK - N/A
Impact? Suffered from the pick-a-pass disease as every
ball he played found space; empty space.
ANITA DOBSON - 4/10
Well, Ange will most likely be a man you wish to avoid
this evening. I doubt the players got away with reasoned
forgiveness as they disgraced the tactics that have made
them twice champions.
Angeball needs a gyroscope at its heart and today, abnormally,
Calmac was more of a bewildered spinning top. Ange failed to
counter the frenzy of the threshing wraiths swarming our middle
and his starting changes disjointed a winning side's momentum.
But he would have expected more of those on the park before the
game was lost. If he's gained anything from today it'll be a
renewed focus on the transfer market and finding those more
capable of segueing into a proven system.
MIBBERY - 5/10
Course it's not a penalty - it was Conor Goldshun's hand it
hit. Then Steven With a 'V' managed to book the Celtic captain
as well and it'll be roasted goat down the ludge with the family
tonight.
After that they'll kill it and cook it.
OVERALL - 1/10
Well, there goes the trophy clean sweep. It'll have to be just
a treble as the Huns turned up like vultures on a battlefield
to claim The Dead Rubber Cup Championship.
So now we'll sit on the sidelines and envy as they take on the
cream of Europe's shitebages-in-waiting in The Dead Rubber Cup
Winners Cup to see if they can match their old club and win it.
A dire Celtic performance deserving little pity in isolation,
despite the Bhoys magnificent season. Utterly fucking pish, to
be more succinct.
Not many excuses, really - they looked disinterested and virtually
disembodied as the frantic serial losers gave it everything in a
last throw of their loaded dice to appease the assembled revolting
ranks of pish-guzzling heathens baying for Fenian blood.
Where was the Sky sound-muffler-in-chief today as the verminous
tramps' sectarian hate spewed through the telly?
An appalling vista from the off, with many Celtic players obviously
disturbed by their horrendaous gaudy surroundings - a scene like
Rohald Dhal would imagine for 'Willy Wonka's Nightmare Acid Trip'.
Never seen so many poor and misplaced passes for some time, not
since Jamesy went on the pull in Magaluf. At one point this afternoon
in the pub a kid dropped a ball, it rolled over to me and I knocked
it straight back to his seat. Which made me the only Tim to complete
a pass all day.
Games like these are the ones we used to win in the Nineties.
Meaningless in the bigger picture; just a thorn in the side and
pride of a team that's bested you over the season. As the adage goes -
If you're going to lose one to them, then...
But the capitulation of the side was concerning and frustrating;
maybe understandable given the phenomenal consistency shown to date.
Still, I suspect - and hope - it won't save them from a huge Aussie
arse-kicking incoming any day soon.
So that's the distasteful part of the season done. Just the two real
trophies left to lift. Reset and get at it.
Go Away Now
Sandman
'George Square Saturday Evenng - Dead Rubber Cup Champions Party;
Bring a buckie and a Butcher's Apron as we celebrate mediocrity.'
- Glasgow Entertainment Tonight Section, The Herald.
ROXIE - 6.5/10
Thanks for Joe, Jesus...Or Jesus Joe; Stood like a saviour
between the forces of darkness and the malfunctioning Hoops.
Unsighted for the first and may be disappointed he didn't
get a wider deflection on the slapshot by their Scouse
sink-estate pimp. But will be raging his defence managed to
let the fairytale princess in on the rebound first.
After that, spared the blushes with some great goalkeeping.
DIEGO ARMANDO MARADONA - 5/10
For me, the kid gets a pass - which, ironically, is what he
attempted to do every time he had the ball but found a paucity
of hooped jerseys able or tuned-in enough to link with. Kept
trying to play football in spite of the disinterest of his peers.
TONY THE TIGER - 4.5/10
Tony, touch, touch... A grim outing for the Tiger and an
understandable one - sometimes you just can't get the touch
right after a long lay-off and he'll be cursing the mirror
that his senses betrayed him today of all days.
Still forgaged with 100% effort to salvage something but
knew it was 'one of those.'
MR.KOBAYASHI - 3/10
Appalled by the depravity around him, shaken by the
frenzy of serial losers desperate to prevent their frothing
hordes invading the pitch and raping them, it was a baptism
of hellfire for Keyser Soze's appointed representative.
Far too casual and far too nice. Rumbled off the ball by a
cartoon character, never got his anime together to offer
more than a shadowy presence in a game that required vivid
prominance.
SHAG LORD - 7/10 MOTM
This past week, my admiration for the Swedish lothario has
grown exponentially, for... Reasons... That do not need to
be mentioned...
Not at fault today for that 3rd-goal shambles which exemplified
the midfield malaise; No VAR review of studs slid in at knee
height from the Ladyboy, surprise, surprise.
Indeed, Shaglord didn't put a foot wrong, snappy to every
loose ball, tidy in possession.
Must be wondering why in hell the rest of them chose this
game to retreat from the limelight. Me, I'm wondering how
he even managed to set foot on the park; must be knackered...
CALMAC - 3/10
Captain, my Captain... Calamity. Nightmares of Mordor reboot
as the skipper skipped a game, failed to put a single telling
move together then managed to sell the jerseys in conjunction
with Reo with a bizarre lapse which summed the day entirely.
And got booked. Echoes of his covid season.
THE BUILDER - 5.5/10
Of the midfield, Matty was decent-ish. Got himself together
for a spell and was our most dangerous player, finding space
behind their lines - managed our only SOT which produced a
freakishly good save from the Rapist's Apprentice.
Another pass, because it's difficult to function alone in
the middle of a derby when the only energy around you is
bedecked in Slaver Empire Blue.
HAKUNA HATATE - 3/10
Frustrated as you or I, anonymous as a Hun in the Vatican.
Posted missing in a befuddled misfiring midfield as he and
Calmac just could not find their mojo.
ABADASS - 3.5/10
Well, at least it appears the young Hunskelper has settled
his differences and quelled his desire to depart; first
start in a big game since early season and early on it
looked a pertinent choice as he got at it quickly, setting
up Oh with a perfect ball and we're thinking he was going
to savage another Hun fullback.
But the service dried up, his movement stuttered and he
ended up isolated and kicking his heels, unable to impact.
OH BHOY - 4.5/10
Oh, damn. Fine, fine margins, and fine dinks coming off posts
define them. Got to say he was filthy unlucky as the near-perfect
finish became a near-miss. If that had gone in the implosion
around the Hate Pit would have been epic and we may have gone
on to tank them.
As it was, they got the luck, we never got the lift, and that
set the tone for the rest of the game. The Bhoy Oh faded with
the rest and never hustled the gargoyles in their backline
anywhere near enough to cause proper trouble.
NOTEBOOK - 4.5/10
Well, he scrapped and battled like Begbie at a wedding
reception but guilty feet had no rhythm. Threatened to
light them up on a few ocassions but his fated slip on
the edge of their box second-half just told its own tale
of a sorry lunchtime at Klub Tropiklana.
SUBS -
LORD KATSUMOTO - N/A
Admired his disgusted expression every time the camera cut
to him glancing about.
KILLER MUSHROOM - N/A
At least his brief appearance caused them minor anxiety.
TONIO IWATAO - N/A
Expect to see him a lot more as we look to combat midfield
swampings.
EDDIE TURNBULL - N/A
Briefly amusing attempt to reclaim the Free Broomloan
by smashing the ball into it.
HACKY SACK - N/A
Impact? Suffered from the pick-a-pass disease as every
ball he played found space; empty space.
ANITA DOBSON - 4/10
Well, Ange will most likely be a man you wish to avoid
this evening. I doubt the players got away with reasoned
forgiveness as they disgraced the tactics that have made
them twice champions.
Angeball needs a gyroscope at its heart and today, abnormally,
Calmac was more of a bewildered spinning top. Ange failed to
counter the frenzy of the threshing wraiths swarming our middle
and his starting changes disjointed a winning side's momentum.
But he would have expected more of those on the park before the
game was lost. If he's gained anything from today it'll be a
renewed focus on the transfer market and finding those more
capable of segueing into a proven system.
MIBBERY - 5/10
Course it's not a penalty - it was Conor Goldshun's hand it
hit. Then Steven With a 'V' managed to book the Celtic captain
as well and it'll be roasted goat down the ludge with the family
tonight.
After that they'll kill it and cook it.
OVERALL - 1/10
Well, there goes the trophy clean sweep. It'll have to be just
a treble as the Huns turned up like vultures on a battlefield
to claim The Dead Rubber Cup Championship.
So now we'll sit on the sidelines and envy as they take on the
cream of Europe's shitebages-in-waiting in The Dead Rubber Cup
Winners Cup to see if they can match their old club and win it.
A dire Celtic performance deserving little pity in isolation,
despite the Bhoys magnificent season. Utterly fucking pish, to
be more succinct.
Not many excuses, really - they looked disinterested and virtually
disembodied as the frantic serial losers gave it everything in a
last throw of their loaded dice to appease the assembled revolting
ranks of pish-guzzling heathens baying for Fenian blood.
Where was the Sky sound-muffler-in-chief today as the verminous
tramps' sectarian hate spewed through the telly?
An appalling vista from the off, with many Celtic players obviously
disturbed by their horrendaous gaudy surroundings - a scene like
Rohald Dhal would imagine for 'Willy Wonka's Nightmare Acid Trip'.
Never seen so many poor and misplaced passes for some time, not
since Jamesy went on the pull in Magaluf. At one point this afternoon
in the pub a kid dropped a ball, it rolled over to me and I knocked
it straight back to his seat. Which made me the only Tim to complete
a pass all day.
Games like these are the ones we used to win in the Nineties.
Meaningless in the bigger picture; just a thorn in the side and
pride of a team that's bested you over the season. As the adage goes -
If you're going to lose one to them, then...
But the capitulation of the side was concerning and frustrating;
maybe understandable given the phenomenal consistency shown to date.
Still, I suspect - and hope - it won't save them from a huge Aussie
arse-kicking incoming any day soon.
So that's the distasteful part of the season done. Just the two real
trophies left to lift. Reset and get at it.
Go Away Now
Sandman
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