Sandman
Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ KILLIEMANGIRO
"Auld Ayr, wham ne'er a town surpasses,
For honest men and bonnie lasses.
An' Killie... Full ay glakit Hun basturts."
- Rabbie Burns.
ROXIE - 6/10
How's the tan? Plenty of time to work on it, stretched
out on a pitch made from recycled lilos.
Did managed to squeeze in one ubiquitous baw-tingling
moment of suicidal footwork on the edge of the box to
liven up the second half.
GREGGS THE BAKER - 8/10
Came onto a terrific game at the zoo he escaped from a
few years ago. Incisive pass to set up the opener and
maintained his usual industry in that inverted-nipple
role he's thriving in.
GET CARTER - 7.5/10
Prisoners not taken. And it didn't look like any of
the fiesty narks in blue wanted to challenge the unit's
mantra.
Carter kept his focus, and footing, on a surface that
can betray big mhen, and never registered a misstep
across a lunchtime of eating up pies in Killie shirts.
BIG MERCEDES - 8/10
Was probably heading for a MOTM after surpassing his
Dingwall glory moment with an impromptu Pele impersonation,
taken from his Edinburgh Fringe show 'Schnick Schnack
Schnuck' in which he wrestles a lang streak 'o loyalist
pish to the deck and tramples over his jakey tattoos
whilst making him bleat like a pumped ludge goat;
also premiered today.
Then the tapestry of shredded tyres he had to run about
on 'jozo-ed' him and his fine game was curtailed.
JURAN JURAN - 6.5/10
Sparked into life more this week, possibly after watching
the Man United debacle yesterday and attemping to distance
himself from transfer talk by showing he can actually play
football.
Still tuning up towards some big performances in the CL,
I'm thinking, right in time for Quatar selection...
CALMAC - 6.5/10
Quietly functional, keeping time, ticking over a midfield
neither stretched nor in full-flow. Day spoiled slightly
by debutant MIB indulging in foreplay with a bizarre late
yellow.
THE BUILDER - 6/10
A lovely footballer, drifting through a tricky game with
minimal conflict. Neither here nor there in terms of impact
but did not require to be as others got the job done early.
EDDIE TURNBULL - 6/10
He remembers old Killie - where he used to have a pint
with Burns (Rabbie, not Tommy), and the day the black
monolith appeared at the top of West George Street; the
natives learned to use basic tools soon after.
Evolution hasn't pushed them much further, certainly not
in the case of the playing surface where Eddie's every
involvement was met here with a wince in case his injury
problems resurfaced.
But he glided through, retaining possession, remaining
tidy and sensible in his play, though he still shoots
like a pished Star Wars stormtrooper with glaucoma.
NOTEBOOK - 8.5/10 MOTM
'Repita por favor', which is Portuguese for 'Gonny
dae it again?" and he did, scorching one past a startled
keeper, dancing around like he was back at Wembley in
1986 prancing down the stage with a shuttlecock doon his
tennis shorts; only this time the screaming was from the
sparsely-populated home stands, and of total anguish.
The bhoy's a player made for the Hoops, who'll win you
the points and tribute the greats with a special moment;
Fernando Albino de Sousa Chalana. RIP.
MR.KOBAYASHI - 7.5/10
Irrepresible magic mushroom strikes again. Just like
last week his movement was too smart and slick for the
jailers, but here nerves were settled before they could
be shredded as the wee diamond delivered his matchwinning
contribution within minutes and everyone broke out the
factor 50.
LORD KATSUMOTO - 6.5/10
A more effective rampage in the heat than last week's
false star: Initial burst and pinpoint poke to lay on
Kyogo.
Thereafter, a closing-down exercise to bewilder
the flagging home defence and prove that a man really
can rival a camel for endurance and energy in such
oppresive climatic conditions. Not for looks, though
- that was the preserve of killie's centre-forward...
SUBS:
SON OF JACKIE - 7/10
Winner of the Mercedes Jenz Pele Challenge with a
textbook overhead kick that also nutmegged the keeper.
Skill level: Deadly Mongoose.
MOOEY - 6/10
Came on and kept it tidy, freaking out the home
support with his 'spectre of Broony in the noonday sun'
depiction.
ABADASS - 6.5/10
Another focussed and impactful appearance from our
rare emerald-encrusted desert-spider, torturing the
full-back with his touch and sprightly feet; unlucky
not to score again.
STAR LORD - 7.5/10
1 in 50! Plays wallie with the goalie and shins in
a standing-leg screamer to finally open his Celtic
account; celebrates like me after nailing Eva Green
and makes everyone's day in the sun even happier.
JAMESY - N/A
Sun's out, Burds are out, and Jamesy's...
Kept everything in place. Cos, y'know, Killie wummin'...
But a welcome coiffured cameo to raise a smile.
ANITA DOBSON - 7.5/10
Big Ange wore his Sunday best to go to the Sunday
worst. No fear, mayte, and the locals won't attack
anyone in a shirt and tie anyway, in case it's their
lawyer.
Set his side up as ever to test the opposition rather
than respect them - a crucial difference in our tricky
awaydays under the shrewd Aussie.
His reward today was the barbie on by half-time and a
case of Castlemaine FUCK every 20 minutes for a 'water'
break. Well earned.
MIBBERY - 3/10
The best laid schemes o' mice an' men gang aft agley.
And we got David Dickinson - a geriatric TV reality
show host antique dealer for ref because he was the
only MIB who's perma-tan would protect him from the
conditions.
So how would this Bargain Cunt fair? Would he
be the Real Deal?
Not really. Salvaged some ludge cred by carding
the Celtic skipper; the futility of which will
only be rivalled in the coming weeks with the Huns'
consolation goal (via a VAR penalty, of course)
in their 8-1 aggregate routing by PSV.
OVERALL - 8/10
Paper roses, plastic pitch. Three stands they couldn't
- and wouldn't - fill, and an away end revelling
in the slaughter and sunshine. The perfect Killie Sunday.
Deek McInness&Gunn has maintained a Killie tradition of
assembling a squad of verminous ex-Huns which always adds
to the schadenfeude.
The Bhoys set about those tramps with no mercy today
and turned a fixture often blighted by trepidation and
struggle into a jolly bhoys outing.
No sweat was broken, no serious knocks taken, no nonsense
tolerated. Goulish and despicable goon Lafferty kept his
sleeves long and his UVF tats covered but still greeted
his way round the park seeking controversy, and probably
Charlie Mulgrew so he could faint in the heat.
Yet all he managed was to make me realise what the result
of Pluto from 'The Hills Have Eyes' pumping Bambi would look
like.
So him and his Hunnic baggage was swatted aside, mocked
and soundly beaten by a Celtic side tuning into the best of
last season's enlightening form and tuning up for a wild
ride the likes of which we haven't seen for a few years.
Next up, the Minis. With relish, on we go.
Go Away Now
Sandman.
"Auld Ayr, wham ne'er a town surpasses,
For honest men and bonnie lasses.
An' Killie... Full ay glakit Hun basturts."
- Rabbie Burns.
ROXIE - 6/10
How's the tan? Plenty of time to work on it, stretched
out on a pitch made from recycled lilos.
Did managed to squeeze in one ubiquitous baw-tingling
moment of suicidal footwork on the edge of the box to
liven up the second half.
GREGGS THE BAKER - 8/10
Came onto a terrific game at the zoo he escaped from a
few years ago. Incisive pass to set up the opener and
maintained his usual industry in that inverted-nipple
role he's thriving in.
GET CARTER - 7.5/10
Prisoners not taken. And it didn't look like any of
the fiesty narks in blue wanted to challenge the unit's
mantra.
Carter kept his focus, and footing, on a surface that
can betray big mhen, and never registered a misstep
across a lunchtime of eating up pies in Killie shirts.
BIG MERCEDES - 8/10
Was probably heading for a MOTM after surpassing his
Dingwall glory moment with an impromptu Pele impersonation,
taken from his Edinburgh Fringe show 'Schnick Schnack
Schnuck' in which he wrestles a lang streak 'o loyalist
pish to the deck and tramples over his jakey tattoos
whilst making him bleat like a pumped ludge goat;
also premiered today.
Then the tapestry of shredded tyres he had to run about
on 'jozo-ed' him and his fine game was curtailed.
JURAN JURAN - 6.5/10
Sparked into life more this week, possibly after watching
the Man United debacle yesterday and attemping to distance
himself from transfer talk by showing he can actually play
football.
Still tuning up towards some big performances in the CL,
I'm thinking, right in time for Quatar selection...
CALMAC - 6.5/10
Quietly functional, keeping time, ticking over a midfield
neither stretched nor in full-flow. Day spoiled slightly
by debutant MIB indulging in foreplay with a bizarre late
yellow.
THE BUILDER - 6/10
A lovely footballer, drifting through a tricky game with
minimal conflict. Neither here nor there in terms of impact
but did not require to be as others got the job done early.
EDDIE TURNBULL - 6/10
He remembers old Killie - where he used to have a pint
with Burns (Rabbie, not Tommy), and the day the black
monolith appeared at the top of West George Street; the
natives learned to use basic tools soon after.
Evolution hasn't pushed them much further, certainly not
in the case of the playing surface where Eddie's every
involvement was met here with a wince in case his injury
problems resurfaced.
But he glided through, retaining possession, remaining
tidy and sensible in his play, though he still shoots
like a pished Star Wars stormtrooper with glaucoma.
NOTEBOOK - 8.5/10 MOTM
'Repita por favor', which is Portuguese for 'Gonny
dae it again?" and he did, scorching one past a startled
keeper, dancing around like he was back at Wembley in
1986 prancing down the stage with a shuttlecock doon his
tennis shorts; only this time the screaming was from the
sparsely-populated home stands, and of total anguish.
The bhoy's a player made for the Hoops, who'll win you
the points and tribute the greats with a special moment;
Fernando Albino de Sousa Chalana. RIP.
MR.KOBAYASHI - 7.5/10
Irrepresible magic mushroom strikes again. Just like
last week his movement was too smart and slick for the
jailers, but here nerves were settled before they could
be shredded as the wee diamond delivered his matchwinning
contribution within minutes and everyone broke out the
factor 50.
LORD KATSUMOTO - 6.5/10
A more effective rampage in the heat than last week's
false star: Initial burst and pinpoint poke to lay on
Kyogo.
Thereafter, a closing-down exercise to bewilder
the flagging home defence and prove that a man really
can rival a camel for endurance and energy in such
oppresive climatic conditions. Not for looks, though
- that was the preserve of killie's centre-forward...
SUBS:
SON OF JACKIE - 7/10
Winner of the Mercedes Jenz Pele Challenge with a
textbook overhead kick that also nutmegged the keeper.
Skill level: Deadly Mongoose.
MOOEY - 6/10
Came on and kept it tidy, freaking out the home
support with his 'spectre of Broony in the noonday sun'
depiction.
ABADASS - 6.5/10
Another focussed and impactful appearance from our
rare emerald-encrusted desert-spider, torturing the
full-back with his touch and sprightly feet; unlucky
not to score again.
STAR LORD - 7.5/10
1 in 50! Plays wallie with the goalie and shins in
a standing-leg screamer to finally open his Celtic
account; celebrates like me after nailing Eva Green
and makes everyone's day in the sun even happier.
JAMESY - N/A
Sun's out, Burds are out, and Jamesy's...
Kept everything in place. Cos, y'know, Killie wummin'...
But a welcome coiffured cameo to raise a smile.
ANITA DOBSON - 7.5/10
Big Ange wore his Sunday best to go to the Sunday
worst. No fear, mayte, and the locals won't attack
anyone in a shirt and tie anyway, in case it's their
lawyer.
Set his side up as ever to test the opposition rather
than respect them - a crucial difference in our tricky
awaydays under the shrewd Aussie.
His reward today was the barbie on by half-time and a
case of Castlemaine FUCK every 20 minutes for a 'water'
break. Well earned.
MIBBERY - 3/10
The best laid schemes o' mice an' men gang aft agley.
And we got David Dickinson - a geriatric TV reality
show host antique dealer for ref because he was the
only MIB who's perma-tan would protect him from the
conditions.
So how would this Bargain Cunt fair? Would he
be the Real Deal?
Not really. Salvaged some ludge cred by carding
the Celtic skipper; the futility of which will
only be rivalled in the coming weeks with the Huns'
consolation goal (via a VAR penalty, of course)
in their 8-1 aggregate routing by PSV.
OVERALL - 8/10
Paper roses, plastic pitch. Three stands they couldn't
- and wouldn't - fill, and an away end revelling
in the slaughter and sunshine. The perfect Killie Sunday.
Deek McInness&Gunn has maintained a Killie tradition of
assembling a squad of verminous ex-Huns which always adds
to the schadenfeude.
The Bhoys set about those tramps with no mercy today
and turned a fixture often blighted by trepidation and
struggle into a jolly bhoys outing.
No sweat was broken, no serious knocks taken, no nonsense
tolerated. Goulish and despicable goon Lafferty kept his
sleeves long and his UVF tats covered but still greeted
his way round the park seeking controversy, and probably
Charlie Mulgrew so he could faint in the heat.
Yet all he managed was to make me realise what the result
of Pluto from 'The Hills Have Eyes' pumping Bambi would look
like.
So him and his Hunnic baggage was swatted aside, mocked
and soundly beaten by a Celtic side tuning into the best of
last season's enlightening form and tuning up for a wild
ride the likes of which we haven't seen for a few years.
Next up, the Minis. With relish, on we go.
Go Away Now
Sandman.
HH.
ing awe week Ffs toap o thi Leegue but 
