Sandman
Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ KILLITWITHFIREANDAMACHETEIRVINE
'In retrospect, we will also be asking Dr.Who to go back and
sterilise Mrs.Morelos shortly after her fifteenth birthday.
It's the only just course to take.'
The Human Race Disciplinary Panel Compliance Officer.
BANE - 7/10
Quiet night, but he maintains alertness for
the big moments. Amongst other good goalkeeping
was the standout great save on the line to
deny them a comeback goal, despite the best
efforts of co-commentator Andy Walker to defy
the known laws of physics with 'AWR' (Andy
Walker Reality): his multi-angle parallel
universe theory. In which he's not a cunt.
JONJO O'NEILL - 6.5/10
Taking a break from training thoroughbreds to
hang around with some donkeys for a while. Hope
is that he can reprise his Dawn Run glory days
and maybe ride Duffy at Cheltenham. Going by
his first run out tonight he likes a tackle
and a gallop. Appears a competent pro. What's
he doing here?
GREGGS THE BAKER - 6.5/10
Particularly fine defending in his own six yard
box from a nasty inswinging cross his keeper
declined to approach, Greggs doing just enough
under serious pressure to prevent the opener.
Had a very decent game and got the job done
with no alarms raised.
RAQUEL - 6.5/10
Young Welch sure prettifies the defence and in
freezing conditions tonight will have been
thankful for the fur bikini under the kit.
Quietly solid and unflappable.
AJER - 6/10
Back in central defence... Because? Manager seems
still not to know his first choice eleven. Which
will be the theme of the new Waiting For Godot at
the Citizens' Theatre when it re-opens; nine months
of Lennony on a park bench mumbling combinatons
of players as the tree under whch he sits withers
and dies in a metaphor of the TEN...
I digress... Big Kristiano marked his central return with
a Duffyesque aberration first-half. Thereafter, took
the responsibility on his big shoulders and organised
yet another makeshift defence well.
BROON - 7.5/10
Back... Because? Scene of one of his finest moments
revisited, maybe for a swansong? Likes throwing an
elbow around these artificial pitches and snuck in
a cheeky one mid first-half tonight. Also snuck in
a great diving header to show he's not done yet.
'Twas a first 45 of classic Broon - the elbow, the goal
and drawing the booking from his immediate opponent
thus gaining control of the middle. The id and the will
to power - if only it could have been distilled into
the rest sometime last July.
CALMAC - 6/10
Come on, Callum, keep at it; our turbine and tempo,
but he's been struggling to achieve his usual heights
this term. Not alone... But Calmac will keep at it.
Unlike some...
CORPUS CHRISTIE - 5/10
A last-minute transfer-window opportunity to showcase
his talent for prancing about. And getting in the way;
nicked a goal off Eddy wandering offside.
Looked lively but has lost his effectiveness as his mind's
been other places... Like Wembley and anywhere else
after the summer window closes...
EDDIE TURNBULL - 6/10
After Captain Tom died (RIP, old champion), Turnbull's
the oldest walking human being left extant; and the
chill tonight might just shorten that. He did float
about with more threat and might have scored. Remains
to be seen if he'll be the consistent scoring magician
we've been missing since Nakamura.
THE YETI - 6.5/10
Given his big chance to take over the hiding-in-plain-sight
role from Elshagyonlassie and fitted in perfectly. Or did
he? Never saw him, so yeah - superb...
Then, puff! Looking just like Mr.Claypole for Rentaghost
(Google that, kiddos, and tell me I'm wrong...) he appears
in front of a diving goalie to magic up a penalty with a
fine dive.
Then he disappeared again, just like Mr.Claypole; 'poof!'
... Before... BANG!, sweet take and finish. Hope rises.
FRENCH EDDY - 8/10 MOTM
Brutally double-tapped like a Russian democratic
candidate right in front of Clancy Drew who saw...
Nothing; Goat-fucking soup-taker that he is. I'm not
one for ungentlemanly language but that archetypal
piece of Scottish umpiring incited such an outburst
that the docker with tourettes who stays across the
road was at my door in tears.
Than, hilarity, as Eddy gets his pen, after a linesman
forces the begrudged award out of Clancy.
Capped by a third - allowed after another AWR debate
- in which he caused the momentary stuttering pause of
the entire Celtic Nation calling for a dink or lob, by playing
the finish deftly between the keeper's thigh and flapping arm.
A Muthufuckin' cool as a Muthufucka tribute to his departing
flatmate, compatriot and hitman, Samuel Jackson.
Then came the hat-trick to boost his confidence even further.
No it didn't. Lennony subbed him. Spoilsport.
SUBS:
ELSHAGYONLASSIE - N/A (Not Around)
'Fantastique' nodded Ajeti as he looked around for Moi,
found nothing and realised how far he has to go to fill
those boots.
KLIMALA KLIMAX - N/A
Plenty of energy and commitment; we have yet to see if
it's top-quality but might be utilised well by a good
coach. 'Cough'...
MIKEY J - N/A
His rehabilitation from a shit music scene continues and
so do our expectations of Mikey evolving from sand-dancer
to matchwinner.
DREXL - N/A
Perfectly at home in a town of crackhouses, whores and
drug-peddlers.
LENNONY - 6.5/10
Took a chance and shuffled the pack, insulted the players
and crossed his fingers. Maybe some of his decisions are
questionable, but then again everybody's pretty past
caring; Another different eleven, well into the autumn of
a season that should have been seismic and final in the
power struggle of Scottish football.
Yet, now anything Lennony does seems an act of futility
as we long for the final curtain. Tonight, maybe the
biggest win at Killie in nearly a decade, ironically.
It all went well. Strangely.
He's turned his focus towards the Scottish Cup, going by
comments this week, but for the first time in my life I
couldn't really give a Morelos* if we win it or not.
*That was in place of 'fuck' if you're wondering.
OVERALL - 7/10
Finally achieved a level of performance for consistent
spells that saw the game comfortably won.
Finally saw through a 90 minutes in the manner we had
expected - and required - all damn season.
Finally looked like 9-in-a-row all-conquering Celtic.
Finally.
A couple of days into February and a 4-0 win at Killie
is worth nothing more than a sigh and a rueful head-shake;
who would have thought that back in August?
Go Away Now.
Sandman
'In retrospect, we will also be asking Dr.Who to go back and
sterilise Mrs.Morelos shortly after her fifteenth birthday.
It's the only just course to take.'
The Human Race Disciplinary Panel Compliance Officer.
BANE - 7/10
Quiet night, but he maintains alertness for
the big moments. Amongst other good goalkeeping
was the standout great save on the line to
deny them a comeback goal, despite the best
efforts of co-commentator Andy Walker to defy
the known laws of physics with 'AWR' (Andy
Walker Reality): his multi-angle parallel
universe theory. In which he's not a cunt.
JONJO O'NEILL - 6.5/10
Taking a break from training thoroughbreds to
hang around with some donkeys for a while. Hope
is that he can reprise his Dawn Run glory days
and maybe ride Duffy at Cheltenham. Going by
his first run out tonight he likes a tackle
and a gallop. Appears a competent pro. What's
he doing here?
GREGGS THE BAKER - 6.5/10
Particularly fine defending in his own six yard
box from a nasty inswinging cross his keeper
declined to approach, Greggs doing just enough
under serious pressure to prevent the opener.
Had a very decent game and got the job done
with no alarms raised.
RAQUEL - 6.5/10
Young Welch sure prettifies the defence and in
freezing conditions tonight will have been
thankful for the fur bikini under the kit.
Quietly solid and unflappable.
AJER - 6/10
Back in central defence... Because? Manager seems
still not to know his first choice eleven. Which
will be the theme of the new Waiting For Godot at
the Citizens' Theatre when it re-opens; nine months
of Lennony on a park bench mumbling combinatons
of players as the tree under whch he sits withers
and dies in a metaphor of the TEN...
I digress... Big Kristiano marked his central return with
a Duffyesque aberration first-half. Thereafter, took
the responsibility on his big shoulders and organised
yet another makeshift defence well.
BROON - 7.5/10
Back... Because? Scene of one of his finest moments
revisited, maybe for a swansong? Likes throwing an
elbow around these artificial pitches and snuck in
a cheeky one mid first-half tonight. Also snuck in
a great diving header to show he's not done yet.
'Twas a first 45 of classic Broon - the elbow, the goal
and drawing the booking from his immediate opponent
thus gaining control of the middle. The id and the will
to power - if only it could have been distilled into
the rest sometime last July.
CALMAC - 6/10
Come on, Callum, keep at it; our turbine and tempo,
but he's been struggling to achieve his usual heights
this term. Not alone... But Calmac will keep at it.
Unlike some...
CORPUS CHRISTIE - 5/10
A last-minute transfer-window opportunity to showcase
his talent for prancing about. And getting in the way;
nicked a goal off Eddy wandering offside.
Looked lively but has lost his effectiveness as his mind's
been other places... Like Wembley and anywhere else
after the summer window closes...
EDDIE TURNBULL - 6/10
After Captain Tom died (RIP, old champion), Turnbull's
the oldest walking human being left extant; and the
chill tonight might just shorten that. He did float
about with more threat and might have scored. Remains
to be seen if he'll be the consistent scoring magician
we've been missing since Nakamura.
THE YETI - 6.5/10
Given his big chance to take over the hiding-in-plain-sight
role from Elshagyonlassie and fitted in perfectly. Or did
he? Never saw him, so yeah - superb...
Then, puff! Looking just like Mr.Claypole for Rentaghost
(Google that, kiddos, and tell me I'm wrong...) he appears
in front of a diving goalie to magic up a penalty with a
fine dive.
Then he disappeared again, just like Mr.Claypole; 'poof!'
... Before... BANG!, sweet take and finish. Hope rises.
FRENCH EDDY - 8/10 MOTM
Brutally double-tapped like a Russian democratic
candidate right in front of Clancy Drew who saw...
Nothing; Goat-fucking soup-taker that he is. I'm not
one for ungentlemanly language but that archetypal
piece of Scottish umpiring incited such an outburst
that the docker with tourettes who stays across the
road was at my door in tears.
Than, hilarity, as Eddy gets his pen, after a linesman
forces the begrudged award out of Clancy.
Capped by a third - allowed after another AWR debate
- in which he caused the momentary stuttering pause of
the entire Celtic Nation calling for a dink or lob, by playing
the finish deftly between the keeper's thigh and flapping arm.
A Muthufuckin' cool as a Muthufucka tribute to his departing
flatmate, compatriot and hitman, Samuel Jackson.
Then came the hat-trick to boost his confidence even further.
No it didn't. Lennony subbed him. Spoilsport.
SUBS:
ELSHAGYONLASSIE - N/A (Not Around)
'Fantastique' nodded Ajeti as he looked around for Moi,
found nothing and realised how far he has to go to fill
those boots.
KLIMALA KLIMAX - N/A
Plenty of energy and commitment; we have yet to see if
it's top-quality but might be utilised well by a good
coach. 'Cough'...
MIKEY J - N/A
His rehabilitation from a shit music scene continues and
so do our expectations of Mikey evolving from sand-dancer
to matchwinner.
DREXL - N/A
Perfectly at home in a town of crackhouses, whores and
drug-peddlers.
LENNONY - 6.5/10
Took a chance and shuffled the pack, insulted the players
and crossed his fingers. Maybe some of his decisions are
questionable, but then again everybody's pretty past
caring; Another different eleven, well into the autumn of
a season that should have been seismic and final in the
power struggle of Scottish football.
Yet, now anything Lennony does seems an act of futility
as we long for the final curtain. Tonight, maybe the
biggest win at Killie in nearly a decade, ironically.
It all went well. Strangely.
He's turned his focus towards the Scottish Cup, going by
comments this week, but for the first time in my life I
couldn't really give a Morelos* if we win it or not.
*That was in place of 'fuck' if you're wondering.
OVERALL - 7/10
Finally achieved a level of performance for consistent
spells that saw the game comfortably won.
Finally saw through a 90 minutes in the manner we had
expected - and required - all damn season.
Finally looked like 9-in-a-row all-conquering Celtic.
Finally.
A couple of days into February and a 4-0 win at Killie
is worth nothing more than a sigh and a rueful head-shake;
who would have thought that back in August?
Go Away Now.
Sandman
