Sandman
Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ TINFOILMEN
"The nature of our complaint is not the ball boys' time wasting or
pisstaking of Shagger. It is the fact they laughed at me when I
stood up on a box to give them a row."
- Gio De Vito, Zombie coach and former Dutch international Subbuteo
player.
ROXIE - 6.5/10
Another of his inimitable presence days, most action with his feet
but when called upon, made a fine save to snuff out any hopes of
their unlikely recovery.
TONY THE TIGER - 7/10
He likes a rumble and Firked Park always provides one. Ducking
spears from the former corporation bus shelter turned main stand,
Tony spent the majority of his second half in straight-out MMA
brawls with the home team's 'rambustious' left side.
Threw himself into tackles for the cause, many of which even
had Conor McGregor turning away from the screen wincing and
yelling for his robot butler to change channels.
STAR LORD - 7/10
Kept Joe on his toes early on by refusing to pass forward or
out his own box until the hystrical rodent nattering in his
heid mellowed out.
Thereafter, the Shelby swagger got an airing in a manor
befitting merciless thuggery, as Star lord continued his
confidence rebuild with some precise positioning and
calculated passes.
GET CARTER - 7.5/10
LOL, they tried it on and he rolled them. Big Mhan getting
bigger by the game found Murderpolis's attempts to
rough-house him with a selection of identikit bearded
hipsters amusing.
Eventually, he picked up a nippy wee substitute and threw him
at one of them with a note pinned to him suggesting their next
tragic arm-sleeve tat is a sparkled unicorn humping a flute
band drummer.
GREGGS THE BAKER - 7/10
The most consistent baker in the country. Rivalling his pastry
for downright tasty contributions to the filling. Another game
where his committment to the tactical plan is unquestionable
and his industry a manager's dream.
CALMAC OF THE OPERA - 7/10
A forty-five of fortitude from the indomitable skipper. Seems
he didn't go to sleep between Wednesday night and Sunday
lunchtime - merely paused and raring to go again. Got the job
done then back to the batcave for another face transplant.
HAKUNA HATATE - 6.5/10
Hunskelper initiate may have wondered why the team had to play
in the ruins of the Fukushima reactor disaster, but applied his
lovely footballing technique with standard effectiveness -
an artisan's pass to set up the opener, before a deserved early
rest.
ROGIC - 8/10
Round the world he came, from glamorous sunny climes back to
the one shire even Hobbits carrying rings won't traverse.
But Oz thrives in darkest Lanarkshire - his record of skelping
the wannabee huns is of local legend, something they try to
dispell every spring with the 'Burning of The Wizard' procession
to the town square where an unlucky village idiot is sacrificed
to their God of rain, Baal.
Hilariously, it never works, but they do now have less idiots
in the village than most, so swings and roundabouts then...
Today Oz cast his magik again and the locals screamed under
their covers once more; never saw him for the first 20 minutes
as he shook off the jet-lag, but once he ambled into things in
his guileful manner we got a footballing treat, capped by another
swinging zinger for the scrapbook.
If it wasn't for wee glue-sniffing one-eyed Shuggie from Cleland
throwing himself off the main stand roof into the carpark as a
despairing, belated sacrifice on 70 minutes, then Oz may have had
a hat-trick but for the enchanted post and Ned Kelly in nets
thwarting him.
ABADASS - 7.5/10
Viper from the middle east, stinging the huns with his bite
and whiplash style. Perfecting that inside drift from the wing,
arriving with pace to stab home crucial goals. Kid did
the biz then got the rest of the day off to play his PS5.
SON OF JACKIE - 8.5/10 MOTM
You don't know what you've missed 'til you see it again -
not a forgotten burd, but certainly a forgotten dimension to
our forward play. As I've said, not since JVoH have we had such
a troublesome unit playing centre forward.
Jackie's physicality was the key today, managing to absorb and
occupy the attentions of both their central-defensive battle giants;
one even a mass-murdering deposed dictator of Zimbabwe.
He stopped them venturing into midfield, opening that space
between the lines for our creatives to exploit and fill.
Even a completely bewildering yellow from Cheatin' Beaton
(there's a surprise...) didn't quieten his thirst for combat.
He's a nuisance who also carries a goal-threat; desperately
unlucky again today to be thwarted by another keeper in-form,
but it looks likely that when luck pivots slightly in his
favour and his fitness peaks, we'll see the reason he was
Eredivisie top scorer.
LORD KATSUMOTO - 7/10
The willing wide man who'll just play until he drops.
Frustrated, mainly, with numerous speedy runs until he got
down the middle late on and deservedly scored, and should
have had another at least. But what an engine. Designed
by Kawasaki.
SUBS:
BLOCKCHAIN - 6.5/10
Effortless transition from the bench to shore up the middle
all second half, adding his own subtleties and bossing it.
JAMESY - 6/10
Stunned silence all round as Jamesy appeared from nowhere,
flashing the head and almost caused uproar.
Later, nearly scored; foiled by their keeper's feet as he
unusually met a cross with a header...
NOTEBOOK - 6/10
Lively, tricky and gearing up nicely for what will be a
season-defining scrap at Pittodrie.
THE BUILDER - 6.5/10
Stuck to decorating the miserable surroundings today
by spraying some terrific passes around.
JURAN JURAN - N/A
A cultured cameo from the Hun boards' new hate-figure
and Ryan Kent's new pimp. Almost gilded his week with
a near-perfect free-kick.
ANITA DOBSON - 8/10
It's not assault when you grab a barmaid, take off her
shoe and sock and start counting on her toes - it's
the only way of keeping up with Ange's player rotation
when you've run out of your own digits.
By the third nicely-polished toenail it was dawning
just how thorough a job he's done cleaning out and
reinstating a squad capable of erasing last season's
horror show and challenging for this title.
Today the balance was spot-on, getting the most out
of momentum and resting weary limbs. His playing style
tires out the opposition attempting to contain it more
than it does the Hoops charged with implementing it.
He just requires it to work 13 more times and he's
heading for legendary status.
MIBBERY - 2/10
Like Hearts at Mordor, Johnny Hunbaws just couldn't
be bothered. Got in his classic yellow for fuckallity
agianst the Tim who was bugging him the most, but
just couldn't drag himself back to happiness after
spending three days crying under his bedcovers since
ruining his Broxy Bear PJs with vomit on Wednesday
night.
OVERALL - 8/10
Just what we wanted. A blistering first half to
quieten the degenerates baying for fenian blood -
although the locals seemed smaller in numbers
than usual; tragic events midweek have left many
heartbroken.
This trip has been a hurdle in the past, not losing
many but wins have been fought for and draws given
up.
This afternoon, Son Of Jackie led the fighting pace,
took their physical keenness and dished it back, won
time for the special teams to find their groove and
after that first 20-minute attrition, we were through
them like a rapier. That's a sword, Griff, not Allan
McGregor...
Exhalations of relief and delight all round then.
The Bhoys are at it just as much as we hoped and
desired them to be.
So chalk that one off the anxiety calendar and get
ready for the next - a real blowy at the Beach End
on Wednesday. No, Jamesy...
Go Away Now
Sandman.
"The nature of our complaint is not the ball boys' time wasting or
pisstaking of Shagger. It is the fact they laughed at me when I
stood up on a box to give them a row."
- Gio De Vito, Zombie coach and former Dutch international Subbuteo
player.
ROXIE - 6.5/10
Another of his inimitable presence days, most action with his feet
but when called upon, made a fine save to snuff out any hopes of
their unlikely recovery.
TONY THE TIGER - 7/10
He likes a rumble and Firked Park always provides one. Ducking
spears from the former corporation bus shelter turned main stand,
Tony spent the majority of his second half in straight-out MMA
brawls with the home team's 'rambustious' left side.
Threw himself into tackles for the cause, many of which even
had Conor McGregor turning away from the screen wincing and
yelling for his robot butler to change channels.
STAR LORD - 7/10
Kept Joe on his toes early on by refusing to pass forward or
out his own box until the hystrical rodent nattering in his
heid mellowed out.
Thereafter, the Shelby swagger got an airing in a manor
befitting merciless thuggery, as Star lord continued his
confidence rebuild with some precise positioning and
calculated passes.
GET CARTER - 7.5/10
LOL, they tried it on and he rolled them. Big Mhan getting
bigger by the game found Murderpolis's attempts to
rough-house him with a selection of identikit bearded
hipsters amusing.
Eventually, he picked up a nippy wee substitute and threw him
at one of them with a note pinned to him suggesting their next
tragic arm-sleeve tat is a sparkled unicorn humping a flute
band drummer.
GREGGS THE BAKER - 7/10
The most consistent baker in the country. Rivalling his pastry
for downright tasty contributions to the filling. Another game
where his committment to the tactical plan is unquestionable
and his industry a manager's dream.
CALMAC OF THE OPERA - 7/10
A forty-five of fortitude from the indomitable skipper. Seems
he didn't go to sleep between Wednesday night and Sunday
lunchtime - merely paused and raring to go again. Got the job
done then back to the batcave for another face transplant.
HAKUNA HATATE - 6.5/10
Hunskelper initiate may have wondered why the team had to play
in the ruins of the Fukushima reactor disaster, but applied his
lovely footballing technique with standard effectiveness -
an artisan's pass to set up the opener, before a deserved early
rest.
ROGIC - 8/10
Round the world he came, from glamorous sunny climes back to
the one shire even Hobbits carrying rings won't traverse.
But Oz thrives in darkest Lanarkshire - his record of skelping
the wannabee huns is of local legend, something they try to
dispell every spring with the 'Burning of The Wizard' procession
to the town square where an unlucky village idiot is sacrificed
to their God of rain, Baal.
Hilariously, it never works, but they do now have less idiots
in the village than most, so swings and roundabouts then...
Today Oz cast his magik again and the locals screamed under
their covers once more; never saw him for the first 20 minutes
as he shook off the jet-lag, but once he ambled into things in
his guileful manner we got a footballing treat, capped by another
swinging zinger for the scrapbook.
If it wasn't for wee glue-sniffing one-eyed Shuggie from Cleland
throwing himself off the main stand roof into the carpark as a
despairing, belated sacrifice on 70 minutes, then Oz may have had
a hat-trick but for the enchanted post and Ned Kelly in nets
thwarting him.
ABADASS - 7.5/10
Viper from the middle east, stinging the huns with his bite
and whiplash style. Perfecting that inside drift from the wing,
arriving with pace to stab home crucial goals. Kid did
the biz then got the rest of the day off to play his PS5.
SON OF JACKIE - 8.5/10 MOTM
You don't know what you've missed 'til you see it again -
not a forgotten burd, but certainly a forgotten dimension to
our forward play. As I've said, not since JVoH have we had such
a troublesome unit playing centre forward.
Jackie's physicality was the key today, managing to absorb and
occupy the attentions of both their central-defensive battle giants;
one even a mass-murdering deposed dictator of Zimbabwe.
He stopped them venturing into midfield, opening that space
between the lines for our creatives to exploit and fill.
Even a completely bewildering yellow from Cheatin' Beaton
(there's a surprise...) didn't quieten his thirst for combat.
He's a nuisance who also carries a goal-threat; desperately
unlucky again today to be thwarted by another keeper in-form,
but it looks likely that when luck pivots slightly in his
favour and his fitness peaks, we'll see the reason he was
Eredivisie top scorer.
LORD KATSUMOTO - 7/10
The willing wide man who'll just play until he drops.
Frustrated, mainly, with numerous speedy runs until he got
down the middle late on and deservedly scored, and should
have had another at least. But what an engine. Designed
by Kawasaki.
SUBS:
BLOCKCHAIN - 6.5/10
Effortless transition from the bench to shore up the middle
all second half, adding his own subtleties and bossing it.
JAMESY - 6/10
Stunned silence all round as Jamesy appeared from nowhere,
flashing the head and almost caused uproar.
Later, nearly scored; foiled by their keeper's feet as he
unusually met a cross with a header...
NOTEBOOK - 6/10
Lively, tricky and gearing up nicely for what will be a
season-defining scrap at Pittodrie.
THE BUILDER - 6.5/10
Stuck to decorating the miserable surroundings today
by spraying some terrific passes around.
JURAN JURAN - N/A
A cultured cameo from the Hun boards' new hate-figure
and Ryan Kent's new pimp. Almost gilded his week with
a near-perfect free-kick.
ANITA DOBSON - 8/10
It's not assault when you grab a barmaid, take off her
shoe and sock and start counting on her toes - it's
the only way of keeping up with Ange's player rotation
when you've run out of your own digits.
By the third nicely-polished toenail it was dawning
just how thorough a job he's done cleaning out and
reinstating a squad capable of erasing last season's
horror show and challenging for this title.
Today the balance was spot-on, getting the most out
of momentum and resting weary limbs. His playing style
tires out the opposition attempting to contain it more
than it does the Hoops charged with implementing it.
He just requires it to work 13 more times and he's
heading for legendary status.
MIBBERY - 2/10
Like Hearts at Mordor, Johnny Hunbaws just couldn't
be bothered. Got in his classic yellow for fuckallity
agianst the Tim who was bugging him the most, but
just couldn't drag himself back to happiness after
spending three days crying under his bedcovers since
ruining his Broxy Bear PJs with vomit on Wednesday
night.
OVERALL - 8/10
Just what we wanted. A blistering first half to
quieten the degenerates baying for fenian blood -
although the locals seemed smaller in numbers
than usual; tragic events midweek have left many
heartbroken.
This trip has been a hurdle in the past, not losing
many but wins have been fought for and draws given
up.
This afternoon, Son Of Jackie led the fighting pace,
took their physical keenness and dished it back, won
time for the special teams to find their groove and
after that first 20-minute attrition, we were through
them like a rapier. That's a sword, Griff, not Allan
McGregor...
Exhalations of relief and delight all round then.
The Bhoys are at it just as much as we hoped and
desired them to be.
So chalk that one off the anxiety calendar and get
ready for the next - a real blowy at the Beach End
on Wednesday. No, Jamesy...
Go Away Now
Sandman.
Slàinte
