Sandman
Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v BLACKFACES (Calm down, it's a breed of sheep)
"Ange Postecoglu didn't deny connections with the Leeds vacancy in words I recognise
as absolute denial. Therefore Ange Postecoglu is disloyal to the Celtic support and
seeking to leave."
"I also self-admittedly idolised Gazza and simped around Ibrox hoping to snaffle a
used jockstrap of his. Therefore I am an advocate of wife-beating."
- The Keith Jackson Logic problem; unum verum generat alterum, 'Keef'.
ROXIE - 6.5/10
'Fuck it, I'm going backie-inner'.
And so Big Joe reprises childhood park kickabouts by deciding not to use his
hands all second-half; 'heiders and fancies only'.
Teed-up Great War veteran Jonny 'Quantum leap' Hayes for a free pop, then did
brilliantly to counter the Star Lord attempt to lob him, fitting in briefly
at centre-half; for about a minute or more as the stadium gritted teeth and
the particularly anxious invaded the executive lounges seeking couches to hide
behind.
GREGGS THE BAKER - 6.5/10
An industrious and involved 90, more thankless tasks than creative openings,
but vital in smothering their resurgence down his flank after the break.
Expect him to be Travis Bickle in the mirror all week as he prepares to rile
the Fat Boy at Hampden.
STAR LORD - 6/10
'You are Beckham!' screeched the racoon through the incessant, blurring
precipitation.
And as his vision glazed over, yes... Yes, he was, and the keeper was out
and he was squinting at the dropping ball on the halfway and...
Glory... Glory beckoned... Beckhamed?...And...The fu..?
Too late. 'It was a joke...A joke,..' groaned the rodent, head in hands, as
Carl lofted the ball goalwards; Wrong goals.
But in classic Star Lord-ery he didn't quite get the connection and Joe was
up for a laugh anyway, so the clanger didn't clang and we all giggled nervously
as the Hoops performed a Keystone Cops tribute and Johnny Hayes recalled the
time he went out on the lash with Buster Keaton.
Around the train-soaked moment of madness, Star lord was efficiently precise.
Just stay that way next week. All game.
GET CARTER - 7/10
American battles Eastern European, and wins. An age-old tale played out as
CCV tanked their rangy Iron Curtain striker in a tussle that resembled the
Two Tribes video by Frankie GTH.
Then he was cast in a remake of Howard The Duk, rumbling in the jungle with
Jota's old contemporary. Merciless physicality from the big mhan had him 2
for 2 and seeking a bout with a chubby Colombian hamster-sniffer for his
next cage-fight.
WAYNE GRETZKY - 7/10
Slippy conditions mean nothing to a seasoned hockey vet. And Wayne seemed
made for this, giving us his customary 100% effort and support but also
making every ball count - wicked deliveries deserving better outcomes.
Fine game.
CALMAC - 7/10
I'll lead, you follow, BANG! Last minute or first minute - he'll find
the sweet spot and demoralize the sheep. The tone was set by the skipper
and maintained for the entire first-half savaging that won the points.
Consistence beat resistance.
THE BUILDER - 6/10
He glides like a fairy in a summer meadow. Or, in Glesgae speak, an
abandoned greyhound scooting around a junkie's garden. Lovely
movement and insight had him surgically removing much of the
Aberdeen will to live in the opening half hour, and was unlucky not
to score himself.
Faded later before being hooked but the signs are there for a spring
recovery of top form.
HAKUNA HATATE - 8.5/10 MOTM
"Reo, Reo Hatate,
Scores 2 goals every Saturday."
And Sundays too, we hope. I hear Michael Flatley's learning Japanese
so he can take footwork tips off the Eastern Iniesta.
Little can be added about his contribution, only to admire the focus
and endeavour that brought him those two splendid goals. Asked Ange
a few weeks ago about how he could improve his game; was told final
third, more finesse and finishing. Bam, there ye go.
LORD KATSUMOTO - 7/10
I've taken to make revving noises every time he gets on the ball like
when a kid plays with a toy car; You get some funny looks but it amuses
me no end. And I wonder if Daizen does that in his own heid, because if
you shut your eyes when F1's on the telly you expect to open them to
see Daizen ripping up Brands Hatch.
The unbookable Dons had a torrid time with him despite trying to counter
by dropping off and deep to get ahead of his runs. Nicely subbed to save
him for a Hampden roar. Fingers crossed the trigger-happy Pentagon hawks
don't send an F22 to shoot him down beforehand as he blips across their
radars in training.
OH BHOY - 6/10
Bet you didn't think you'd spend a rainy starting debut grifting against
a bunch of stoical northmen attempting to treat you like a sheep in lingerie.
But if this fruitless grind by the Bhoy Oh showed us anytihng, it's that
he's not afraid to graft and willing to take on the hard shift to carve out
some openings.
NOTEBOOK - 6.5/10
Club Tropicana it wasn't. Club Tropical Downpour, more like. But Jota's used
to the rain now and even has a dance for it. As predicted, he's more prominent
in games as the winter eases and excitement builds towards the glamour
finishes.
Jigged his way into some telling positions today and should have scored;
not a concern for this bhoy becasue the stage is set for his talent Sunday
next. Expecting the old hits to be rolled out...
SUBS -
KILLER MUSHROOM - N/A
Surprised? Nervous? Watching his shoulder intently?
No mercy from Big Ange as Kyogo was punted into the mix,
and had a laugh, wrestling a big glakit farmer who was
seeking sumo lessons .
TONIO IWATAO - 6/10
'I'm not as good as Calmac,' he admitted last week. Okay,
humble's fine, but let's see what inmpersonating a Japanese
holding midfielder brings out in the cunning Barca skelper.
We got solid tidyness and a comfortable feeling he's fitting
into the system just fine as he effortlessly shuttled the ball
about like he was Calmac after all.
ABADASS - 6.5/10
Surprised #2? Do we have another hibernator awakening just
in time for some succulent hunskelping?
He's toiled in recent cameos, falling about like Lee Evans
on acid, but the twirling kinetic limbs were rall in synch
today and he appeared intent on making a point even before
he swiped in a great finish with his wrong foot.
Borna Barisic left the country half an hour ago.
JAMESY - N/A
Wahey, Jamesy's back ladies. Spring's definitely in the air
when the Prestwick Pele romps on with his shorts tucked up to
his baws and treats us to some deft shimmies and cheeky flicks.
Run for the hills, glass collectors everywhere.
HACKY SACK - 6/10
Interesting - looked a man in the mood. I reckon there's a well
of untapped potential in those boots and that's hardly a Hawking
deduction given what we saw back in the autumn in the CL, and
winning stubborn matches like the Ross Coonty scrap.
Form and attitude returning at the right time? Let's hope; Exciting
prospects.
ANITA DOBSON - 7.5/10
The Ange show rolls on. The anguished SMSM dig deep in the dark archives
for some kind of archaic weapons to dent the psyche of their nemesis.
but he's got their number. There's hardly a hint of testosterone in the
faltering simp voices that attempt to steer him towards conflict with
scuttling Huns like Narco Davey or Trotters Independent Trading Cunt
across the city, who you know is just itching to noise him up with some
racist slurs before the clash next week. Good luck cracking the big Aussie,
ya tragic fannies.
Here, the incredible consistency of Angeball rolled through the domestic
dreich once more; a system needing only the required, schoold components
which we have in droves, it seems. Twelve to go, Ange. Eight wins should
do it. Tick-tock, Huns.
MIBBERY - 4/10
I shalt not book a Shinnie. The Gollum mantra. Petty, scowling, exasperated
- a fine example of the crisis in Scottish reffing this season; crippling
depression as the Tims roll over their grief, relentlessly.
Nectar.
OVERALL - 8/10
No dead cat bounce from the Dandies. No Barry Robson-inspired freak result.
No quarter given by a Celtic side with the scent of silver in their
nostrils who spring at you from the first whistle like men on a mission;
men possessed, actually; with winning. In style.
There was a good, galvanising feel to the game, like every match now is
a cup final. Which is true of the next contest as we look to retain the
Mickey Mouse Cup against Goofy and his cheeky chipmunks. And there's a
real good chance that after warming up against the sheep, the Hoops will
be well prepared to exterminate another horde of rabid animals.
All good, on we roll with it...
Dedicated to:
THE Raquel -
The world is an uglier place now, and dinosaurs are safer.
Goodbye, beautiful one, RIP. And may your fur bikini live
forever in the hearts of men.
Go Away Now
Sandman
"Ange Postecoglu didn't deny connections with the Leeds vacancy in words I recognise
as absolute denial. Therefore Ange Postecoglu is disloyal to the Celtic support and
seeking to leave."
"I also self-admittedly idolised Gazza and simped around Ibrox hoping to snaffle a
used jockstrap of his. Therefore I am an advocate of wife-beating."
- The Keith Jackson Logic problem; unum verum generat alterum, 'Keef'.
ROXIE - 6.5/10
'Fuck it, I'm going backie-inner'.
And so Big Joe reprises childhood park kickabouts by deciding not to use his
hands all second-half; 'heiders and fancies only'.
Teed-up Great War veteran Jonny 'Quantum leap' Hayes for a free pop, then did
brilliantly to counter the Star Lord attempt to lob him, fitting in briefly
at centre-half; for about a minute or more as the stadium gritted teeth and
the particularly anxious invaded the executive lounges seeking couches to hide
behind.
GREGGS THE BAKER - 6.5/10
An industrious and involved 90, more thankless tasks than creative openings,
but vital in smothering their resurgence down his flank after the break.
Expect him to be Travis Bickle in the mirror all week as he prepares to rile
the Fat Boy at Hampden.
STAR LORD - 6/10
'You are Beckham!' screeched the racoon through the incessant, blurring
precipitation.
And as his vision glazed over, yes... Yes, he was, and the keeper was out
and he was squinting at the dropping ball on the halfway and...
Glory... Glory beckoned... Beckhamed?...And...The fu..?
Too late. 'It was a joke...A joke,..' groaned the rodent, head in hands, as
Carl lofted the ball goalwards; Wrong goals.
But in classic Star Lord-ery he didn't quite get the connection and Joe was
up for a laugh anyway, so the clanger didn't clang and we all giggled nervously
as the Hoops performed a Keystone Cops tribute and Johnny Hayes recalled the
time he went out on the lash with Buster Keaton.
Around the train-soaked moment of madness, Star lord was efficiently precise.
Just stay that way next week. All game.
GET CARTER - 7/10
American battles Eastern European, and wins. An age-old tale played out as
CCV tanked their rangy Iron Curtain striker in a tussle that resembled the
Two Tribes video by Frankie GTH.
Then he was cast in a remake of Howard The Duk, rumbling in the jungle with
Jota's old contemporary. Merciless physicality from the big mhan had him 2
for 2 and seeking a bout with a chubby Colombian hamster-sniffer for his
next cage-fight.
WAYNE GRETZKY - 7/10
Slippy conditions mean nothing to a seasoned hockey vet. And Wayne seemed
made for this, giving us his customary 100% effort and support but also
making every ball count - wicked deliveries deserving better outcomes.
Fine game.
CALMAC - 7/10
I'll lead, you follow, BANG! Last minute or first minute - he'll find
the sweet spot and demoralize the sheep. The tone was set by the skipper
and maintained for the entire first-half savaging that won the points.
Consistence beat resistance.
THE BUILDER - 6/10
He glides like a fairy in a summer meadow. Or, in Glesgae speak, an
abandoned greyhound scooting around a junkie's garden. Lovely
movement and insight had him surgically removing much of the
Aberdeen will to live in the opening half hour, and was unlucky not
to score himself.
Faded later before being hooked but the signs are there for a spring
recovery of top form.
HAKUNA HATATE - 8.5/10 MOTM
"Reo, Reo Hatate,
Scores 2 goals every Saturday."
And Sundays too, we hope. I hear Michael Flatley's learning Japanese
so he can take footwork tips off the Eastern Iniesta.
Little can be added about his contribution, only to admire the focus
and endeavour that brought him those two splendid goals. Asked Ange
a few weeks ago about how he could improve his game; was told final
third, more finesse and finishing. Bam, there ye go.
LORD KATSUMOTO - 7/10
I've taken to make revving noises every time he gets on the ball like
when a kid plays with a toy car; You get some funny looks but it amuses
me no end. And I wonder if Daizen does that in his own heid, because if
you shut your eyes when F1's on the telly you expect to open them to
see Daizen ripping up Brands Hatch.
The unbookable Dons had a torrid time with him despite trying to counter
by dropping off and deep to get ahead of his runs. Nicely subbed to save
him for a Hampden roar. Fingers crossed the trigger-happy Pentagon hawks
don't send an F22 to shoot him down beforehand as he blips across their
radars in training.
OH BHOY - 6/10
Bet you didn't think you'd spend a rainy starting debut grifting against
a bunch of stoical northmen attempting to treat you like a sheep in lingerie.
But if this fruitless grind by the Bhoy Oh showed us anytihng, it's that
he's not afraid to graft and willing to take on the hard shift to carve out
some openings.
NOTEBOOK - 6.5/10
Club Tropicana it wasn't. Club Tropical Downpour, more like. But Jota's used
to the rain now and even has a dance for it. As predicted, he's more prominent
in games as the winter eases and excitement builds towards the glamour
finishes.
Jigged his way into some telling positions today and should have scored;
not a concern for this bhoy becasue the stage is set for his talent Sunday
next. Expecting the old hits to be rolled out...
SUBS -
KILLER MUSHROOM - N/A
Surprised? Nervous? Watching his shoulder intently?
No mercy from Big Ange as Kyogo was punted into the mix,
and had a laugh, wrestling a big glakit farmer who was
seeking sumo lessons .
TONIO IWATAO - 6/10
'I'm not as good as Calmac,' he admitted last week. Okay,
humble's fine, but let's see what inmpersonating a Japanese
holding midfielder brings out in the cunning Barca skelper.
We got solid tidyness and a comfortable feeling he's fitting
into the system just fine as he effortlessly shuttled the ball
about like he was Calmac after all.
ABADASS - 6.5/10
Surprised #2? Do we have another hibernator awakening just
in time for some succulent hunskelping?
He's toiled in recent cameos, falling about like Lee Evans
on acid, but the twirling kinetic limbs were rall in synch
today and he appeared intent on making a point even before
he swiped in a great finish with his wrong foot.
Borna Barisic left the country half an hour ago.
JAMESY - N/A
Wahey, Jamesy's back ladies. Spring's definitely in the air
when the Prestwick Pele romps on with his shorts tucked up to
his baws and treats us to some deft shimmies and cheeky flicks.
Run for the hills, glass collectors everywhere.
HACKY SACK - 6/10
Interesting - looked a man in the mood. I reckon there's a well
of untapped potential in those boots and that's hardly a Hawking
deduction given what we saw back in the autumn in the CL, and
winning stubborn matches like the Ross Coonty scrap.
Form and attitude returning at the right time? Let's hope; Exciting
prospects.
ANITA DOBSON - 7.5/10
The Ange show rolls on. The anguished SMSM dig deep in the dark archives
for some kind of archaic weapons to dent the psyche of their nemesis.
but he's got their number. There's hardly a hint of testosterone in the
faltering simp voices that attempt to steer him towards conflict with
scuttling Huns like Narco Davey or Trotters Independent Trading Cunt
across the city, who you know is just itching to noise him up with some
racist slurs before the clash next week. Good luck cracking the big Aussie,
ya tragic fannies.
Here, the incredible consistency of Angeball rolled through the domestic
dreich once more; a system needing only the required, schoold components
which we have in droves, it seems. Twelve to go, Ange. Eight wins should
do it. Tick-tock, Huns.
MIBBERY - 4/10
I shalt not book a Shinnie. The Gollum mantra. Petty, scowling, exasperated
- a fine example of the crisis in Scottish reffing this season; crippling
depression as the Tims roll over their grief, relentlessly.
Nectar.
OVERALL - 8/10
No dead cat bounce from the Dandies. No Barry Robson-inspired freak result.
No quarter given by a Celtic side with the scent of silver in their
nostrils who spring at you from the first whistle like men on a mission;
men possessed, actually; with winning. In style.
There was a good, galvanising feel to the game, like every match now is
a cup final. Which is true of the next contest as we look to retain the
Mickey Mouse Cup against Goofy and his cheeky chipmunks. And there's a
real good chance that after warming up against the sheep, the Hoops will
be well prepared to exterminate another horde of rabid animals.
All good, on we roll with it...
Dedicated to:
THE Raquel -
The world is an uglier place now, and dinosaurs are safer.
Goodbye, beautiful one, RIP. And may your fur bikini live
forever in the hearts of men.
Go Away Now
Sandman
