Sandman
Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v KILLMENOW
"There is no suspense in inevitability"
- Damon Lindelof
ROXIE - 7/10 MOTM
"Joe canae catch it or kick it, ffs..."
Aye, but Joe can save the jerseys with two class
reaction saves and also play the pass of the day
for a late break which should have resulted in
something more than the nothing burger we got.
When berating this legend who kept us in the
game ask yourself this - why, against the likes
of Killie, has he got so much to do, ffs?
GREGGS THE BAKER - 5.5/10
Welcome back. As other player went to Asian and
African cups, Greggs spent the last few weeks
filming for the Great British Bake-Off. Hopefully
he wasn't making Empire biscuits...
We had a bit of a buzz about us for the opening
half hour as he buzzed about; demonstrating his
worth with the extra dimension to his game added
over the past two seasons. No coincidence that we
lost the midfield with his departure.
TONY THE TIGER - 5.5/10
Always earns those stripes - great first half
cuminating in a peach of a ball for Kyogo to
score. But unusually fell into the abyss with the
rest as the game wore on and anxiety affected
his focus.
OF JUSTICE - 3/10
That casual flaw affected the Ginger Beckenbauer
early on and by the time we were looking ropey he
was getting rolled and outpaced as his defensive
stability evaporated under pressure.
RAQUEL - 4/10
Despite some decent footwork, questions got asked
then answered in the negative when it came to
aggression and combat - Welshy looked pretty
uncomfortable when they applied a press and threw
some muscle at him.
After last week's impressive stoicism it was
disappointing to see him lose command of the
backline's rigidity when we needed it most.
CALMAC - 5/10
There it was - You know your season's in trouble
when the captain and most accomplished player
ends up slashing, miskicking, skying the ball in plenty
of space in the middle of the park with minutes to
go.
Like watching Old Yeller's final moments; if Calmac
doesn't know what the fuck's going on, who's around
him - or meant to be around him - and has at it like
a Sunday morning hungover pisshead, then our 'system'
is a bogey.
THE BUILDER - 6/10
Our biggest danger, and will be our biggest sell
in a few months once the Huns have enough guaranteed
CL bucks to see them through and maintain the
tete-a-tete... Won't he, Peter?
Yup. You think he's hanging around this mess?
Got to give Matty credit for the incessant desire
to play and create. If only there was some kind of
team-mate awareness and useful interaction we
might have gotten somewhere...
BRIAN DE - 4/10
There was promise, and then there was pish. He does
like to contradict himself and bewilder the support -
currently going through a patchy bit of form that
gives no hint as to whether we're going to get
Champions League Palma or Sunday League Palma.
I still like his smiley positivity, though; but
definitely a player who needs his game lifted by
the general tide.
LORD KATSUMOTO - 3/10
Well, we knew Daizen wasn't happy after last Sunday
and he's playing like it. Inscrutable committment
is being edged out by frustrated toil; he's being
constricted by the gameplan, and we're not getting
the benefit of a roaming, closing-down machine.
Release the Daizen one!
KILLER MUSHROOM - 6.5/10
You cannot fade the deadly nightshade. Despite a
season of starvation and now a deeper role, he's
still the sharpest edge in the toolbox. A header
from the glorious past of Sutton and Hartson to
take the lead.
DUNCAN IDAHO - 5/10
Much like Palma, he showed up well first 45 in
the big central striker role, holding and linking.
Should have scored a gift of a header but
bottled it and after that he got lost and didn't
make the impact I thought was coming.
SUBS -
SAINT BERNARDO - 4/10
But for the finish, we'd have been praising him
as a matchwinner with gilded feet. But he fucked
it, so we're not...
YING - 3/10
A whole half, and yet he did more in a ten minute
cameo last week.
OH BHOY - N/A
Rumblestiltskin couldn't give us a fairytale finish
as he often has. And may be entitled to ask why he's
third choice behind a new temporary signing not
showing anything beyond Oh's capabilities...
DIEGO ARMANDO MARADONA - 5/10
Well, the kid can play, as I've said before - was
probably our most positive force in his time on
the park with surging runs that sadly only seemed
to startle the rest in Hoops.
But can he defend? Hmm, maybe a no on that one;
although there were claims of a push as he got
suckered at the back post and let a lifelong
Celtic fan - yep, he is - score that gutshot
equaliser.
TAKINTE - 5/10
Was an improvement on what came before him,
and but for a poor choice of final ball could
have made a real impact.
THE SHNAKE - 3/10
Not a bad result; Not a good one either - to
paraphrase the late, great Steve Wright and
give Brendan and his rather conservative fanbase
the rational, mature take on a point gained...
No, fuck off - it was a shambles orchestrated by
a grifter. He'll have a quiet sense of satisfaction
hearing the board get it in the neck at full-time.
But the board always get it at Celtic, and the
board will continue to get it until there's clarity
and a definitive structure for running Celtic like
a progressive, contemporary football club and not
a rich man's hobby, which we seem to have regressed
towards.
But it wasn't the board who dismantled the most
dynamic Celtic system this century and neutered
the impact of our most potent players. Nah, that
was somebody you've been warned about since
the biblical events of last summer.
A disjointed, confused playing squad already hung
out to dry by a manager who seems ambivalent to
the impending doom; probably because he's too
busy working his escape ticket in the background...
MIBBERY - 6.5/10
Johnny's wet dream today; throw a few yellows about
and hope Killie get at us late on; enjoy the spectacle
and avoid the blame. All worked out nicely...
Not really a big impact from the dynamic duo apart
from VAR (Gollum?) cackling over their equaliser as
our players appealed forlornly for a push. Release the
audio!
OVERALL - 2/10
Nostradamus sitting back with a cigar and whisky
and a betting slip and purring like Begbie, "Fuckin'
telt yeez..."
Easiest call in centuries as Celtic's snarl turns
into a toothless bite and we fold easy as cardboard
cutouts in a hurricane.
The misgivings building through the season came
to fruition once again like an instructional prompt
for generating an AI scenario:
"Show Celtic taking a narrow lead and trying but
predictably failing to outplay and outmuscle lesser
opponents who finish the game with greater energy
and endeavour."
But we won't need supercomputers to work out where
this season's heading. A dozen games to play and
we're the hapless victims of our own bemusing
incompetence, requiring favours and Hun bottle-crashing
in spades. Like requiring a Craig Leveine side to
take points off them; that's how bad its getting,
folks...
I said with the Calmac moment that it was indicative
of the sum of all fears, and we're on the edge of
oblivion unless there's internal revolution and
the players find some powerful focus and direction.
There was always the chance of things going south
quicker than a serial-killing penguin escaping an
arctic murder spree, and now were seeing the creeping
chill descend once more that enveloped an empty
Paradise all the covid season.
We need a fire lit under this bonfire of the vanities,
and quickly.
Go Away Now
Sandman
"There is no suspense in inevitability"
- Damon Lindelof
ROXIE - 7/10 MOTM
"Joe canae catch it or kick it, ffs..."
Aye, but Joe can save the jerseys with two class
reaction saves and also play the pass of the day
for a late break which should have resulted in
something more than the nothing burger we got.
When berating this legend who kept us in the
game ask yourself this - why, against the likes
of Killie, has he got so much to do, ffs?
GREGGS THE BAKER - 5.5/10
Welcome back. As other player went to Asian and
African cups, Greggs spent the last few weeks
filming for the Great British Bake-Off. Hopefully
he wasn't making Empire biscuits...
We had a bit of a buzz about us for the opening
half hour as he buzzed about; demonstrating his
worth with the extra dimension to his game added
over the past two seasons. No coincidence that we
lost the midfield with his departure.
TONY THE TIGER - 5.5/10
Always earns those stripes - great first half
cuminating in a peach of a ball for Kyogo to
score. But unusually fell into the abyss with the
rest as the game wore on and anxiety affected
his focus.
OF JUSTICE - 3/10
That casual flaw affected the Ginger Beckenbauer
early on and by the time we were looking ropey he
was getting rolled and outpaced as his defensive
stability evaporated under pressure.
RAQUEL - 4/10
Despite some decent footwork, questions got asked
then answered in the negative when it came to
aggression and combat - Welshy looked pretty
uncomfortable when they applied a press and threw
some muscle at him.
After last week's impressive stoicism it was
disappointing to see him lose command of the
backline's rigidity when we needed it most.
CALMAC - 5/10
There it was - You know your season's in trouble
when the captain and most accomplished player
ends up slashing, miskicking, skying the ball in plenty
of space in the middle of the park with minutes to
go.
Like watching Old Yeller's final moments; if Calmac
doesn't know what the fuck's going on, who's around
him - or meant to be around him - and has at it like
a Sunday morning hungover pisshead, then our 'system'
is a bogey.
THE BUILDER - 6/10
Our biggest danger, and will be our biggest sell
in a few months once the Huns have enough guaranteed
CL bucks to see them through and maintain the
tete-a-tete... Won't he, Peter?
Yup. You think he's hanging around this mess?
Got to give Matty credit for the incessant desire
to play and create. If only there was some kind of
team-mate awareness and useful interaction we
might have gotten somewhere...
BRIAN DE - 4/10
There was promise, and then there was pish. He does
like to contradict himself and bewilder the support -
currently going through a patchy bit of form that
gives no hint as to whether we're going to get
Champions League Palma or Sunday League Palma.
I still like his smiley positivity, though; but
definitely a player who needs his game lifted by
the general tide.
LORD KATSUMOTO - 3/10
Well, we knew Daizen wasn't happy after last Sunday
and he's playing like it. Inscrutable committment
is being edged out by frustrated toil; he's being
constricted by the gameplan, and we're not getting
the benefit of a roaming, closing-down machine.
Release the Daizen one!
KILLER MUSHROOM - 6.5/10
You cannot fade the deadly nightshade. Despite a
season of starvation and now a deeper role, he's
still the sharpest edge in the toolbox. A header
from the glorious past of Sutton and Hartson to
take the lead.
DUNCAN IDAHO - 5/10
Much like Palma, he showed up well first 45 in
the big central striker role, holding and linking.
Should have scored a gift of a header but
bottled it and after that he got lost and didn't
make the impact I thought was coming.
SUBS -
SAINT BERNARDO - 4/10
But for the finish, we'd have been praising him
as a matchwinner with gilded feet. But he fucked
it, so we're not...
YING - 3/10
A whole half, and yet he did more in a ten minute
cameo last week.
OH BHOY - N/A
Rumblestiltskin couldn't give us a fairytale finish
as he often has. And may be entitled to ask why he's
third choice behind a new temporary signing not
showing anything beyond Oh's capabilities...
DIEGO ARMANDO MARADONA - 5/10
Well, the kid can play, as I've said before - was
probably our most positive force in his time on
the park with surging runs that sadly only seemed
to startle the rest in Hoops.
But can he defend? Hmm, maybe a no on that one;
although there were claims of a push as he got
suckered at the back post and let a lifelong
Celtic fan - yep, he is - score that gutshot
equaliser.
TAKINTE - 5/10
Was an improvement on what came before him,
and but for a poor choice of final ball could
have made a real impact.
THE SHNAKE - 3/10
Not a bad result; Not a good one either - to
paraphrase the late, great Steve Wright and
give Brendan and his rather conservative fanbase
the rational, mature take on a point gained...
No, fuck off - it was a shambles orchestrated by
a grifter. He'll have a quiet sense of satisfaction
hearing the board get it in the neck at full-time.
But the board always get it at Celtic, and the
board will continue to get it until there's clarity
and a definitive structure for running Celtic like
a progressive, contemporary football club and not
a rich man's hobby, which we seem to have regressed
towards.
But it wasn't the board who dismantled the most
dynamic Celtic system this century and neutered
the impact of our most potent players. Nah, that
was somebody you've been warned about since
the biblical events of last summer.
A disjointed, confused playing squad already hung
out to dry by a manager who seems ambivalent to
the impending doom; probably because he's too
busy working his escape ticket in the background...
MIBBERY - 6.5/10
Johnny's wet dream today; throw a few yellows about
and hope Killie get at us late on; enjoy the spectacle
and avoid the blame. All worked out nicely...
Not really a big impact from the dynamic duo apart
from VAR (Gollum?) cackling over their equaliser as
our players appealed forlornly for a push. Release the
audio!
OVERALL - 2/10
Nostradamus sitting back with a cigar and whisky
and a betting slip and purring like Begbie, "Fuckin'
telt yeez..."
Easiest call in centuries as Celtic's snarl turns
into a toothless bite and we fold easy as cardboard
cutouts in a hurricane.
The misgivings building through the season came
to fruition once again like an instructional prompt
for generating an AI scenario:
"Show Celtic taking a narrow lead and trying but
predictably failing to outplay and outmuscle lesser
opponents who finish the game with greater energy
and endeavour."
But we won't need supercomputers to work out where
this season's heading. A dozen games to play and
we're the hapless victims of our own bemusing
incompetence, requiring favours and Hun bottle-crashing
in spades. Like requiring a Craig Leveine side to
take points off them; that's how bad its getting,
folks...
I said with the Calmac moment that it was indicative
of the sum of all fears, and we're on the edge of
oblivion unless there's internal revolution and
the players find some powerful focus and direction.
There was always the chance of things going south
quicker than a serial-killing penguin escaping an
arctic murder spree, and now were seeing the creeping
chill descend once more that enveloped an empty
Paradise all the covid season.
We need a fire lit under this bonfire of the vanities,
and quickly.
Go Away Now
Sandman
ur top kwality as per Sandman 
