Sandman
Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v (Mc)INNESS & GHUNN
"At least when people shout at me in the street - 'Progress
Sweetcorn!' - it sounds okay. But Steve Davis and Nosferatu?
I don't fancy somebody in the Hoops screaming 'Arse Plimsol!'
at me for the rest of my days..."
- Pedro Caxhina on The Rangers International (except for Cyprus
and Luxembourg) utter, utter, humiliation.
ROXIE - 6.5/10
Beaten by a hardcore Tim - shame on you son... Yet immaculate
in every other goalkeeper task presented. Whiners have to
understand - Big joe is the archetypal Celtic Keeper; focussed
domestically and capable beyond.
GREGGS THE BAKER - 8/10 MOTM
"I WILL play the inverted role..." As he told The Shnake.
And now, as we progress into the season, the baker's tenacity
comes to the fore.
He's beeen his own man in this transition - I noted such back
in August - as he's maintained the Angeball role and forced
the prodigal to accept that's how you get the best out of
Greggs.
Capped his influence off with a goal today, tapping in
with his gimp peg to kill the game off, finally. But don't
underestimate the sharpness and nous required to get himself
in that position.
WAYNE GRETZKY - 6.5/10
Smashing around as has become his forte. Today he had plenty
physical counterpoints to attend to, so we never saw him as
much in the forward role.
But his conservitive bent was really the primary requirement
as he kept a wary eye on his central defensive duo after
Wednesday's calamity.
GET CARTER - 6.5/10
Good to see you back, big fella... Sort of.... Wondered how
he'd settle knowing the Lazio disaster was on his mind but he
was adquately CCV as we know him and did his job with minimal
fuss. Rusty, but of course...
OF JUSTICE - 7/10
Another noteworthy display from the new season's superhero as
the kid defies attempts to expose him as anything less than
Hoops quality.
Once more he was as focussed on those Killie vermin as any
rat escaping the sinking HMS Edmiston Drive, and once more
we got an admirable defensive outing, though taking a card
for his one and only mistimed rodent-skelp.
CALMAC - 7/10
Tick-tock goes the metronome. That's 'Tick-tock', not 'tik-tok'
you juvenuile delinquents; referencing a clock with hands and
numbers and not a Chinese spy app that lobotomises you with
looped, endless, dopamine-heavy metaphysical face-slap video
clips of a vacuous teenager lying about making a milllion bucks
from shearing dangerous dugs.
Our non-attention-whore leader led by example; kept the troops
heads in the game and focussed on the points despite the fascists'
luck of midweek preying on his mind.
THE BUILDER - 7/10
Not quite impactful as recent games but still a wonderfully
inventive presence to have marauding about in that ill-defined
role; brings him within matchwinning distance and cover duties.
HAKUNA HATATE - 7.5/10
Ah, the fully-fit ninja assasin will be a sight to witness....
What a beautiful goal he scored today, before missing at least
a hat-trick.
But you can see the fitness, the match-awareness, the savage Reo
approaching his old levels as he battles back those injury woes.
What a rejuvanated bhoy I expect to see after a few weeks more
recuperation.
LORD KATSUMOTO - 7/10
Today, I will be quiet Daizen... And today we got the more
calculated - knackered? - Daizen; no tearing about closing
down beyond necessity or full-throttle endeavour in attack.
What showed was his footballing intelligence more than usual -
just making sure he was there or thereabouts defensively and
awake to opportunity offensively; and thank fuck for that as
he managed a cultured glance on a corner to set up Greggs
and secure the points.
KILLER MUSHROOM - 6.5/10
Sitters! The wee mhan put on his pokemon boots and we searched
for the power-up that would get him on the scoresheet. Perhaps
he was a tad overpowered today because even with goals gaping
the finish eluded him.
BRIAN DE - 7.5/10
Take a bow, son - you're not just a ropey filmmaker with dubious
writing abilites (Scarface excepted) - you're actually the real
deal with the ball at your feet and the goal in range...
Three in a row as the new bhoy strikes the net with aplomb. Denied
his glory moment on Wednesday, Killie paid dear when he looked up
30 yards out and swept in a beauty; so delicious the VAR Huns
scratched around for minutes trying to deny it.
This new lad has game-changing abilities in his arsenal; let's
hope they don't damp squib...
SUBS -
JAMESY - 6/10
Ach, the Kyogo curse strikes the Perstwick Predator and
he misses a golden moment to hit another record by scoring
in his 499th consecutive season. All over Twatter X - "Jamesy
Forrest is rubbish!"
Shutup ya wee dicks; the bhoy's a Celtic ghod.
OH BHOY - N/A
Oh, oh.
THE NATIONALIST - N/A
'Get in, shore it up, big man's chucked another goal away..."
Pretty sure that's along the lines of the Shnake's instruction.
And he did.
YING - N/A
Yang.
THE ALLFATHER - N/A
Naughty schoolbhoy allowed back in to play with the big lads after
being a pussy; Cantwell makes terminally-ill mouse noises.
THE SHNAKE - 7/10
Dont't fail. Just don't fail - win the game, the points and
sit back for the break.
That was his remit; there was not condescention to player's
energy levels and no tweaking of a winning-ish side to chance
an upset before a decent recovery period.
His main job today was to dispell Nazio nightmares and get the
bhoys dreaming of title success again; achieved.
MIBBERY - 4/10
You all need to get better at this skullduggery, or perhaps
you've just conceded the Hoops are worthy champions again?
Notable that since the ball-tingling Hun implosion the MIBs
have been less expressive, shall we say, in their determination
to thwart the green machine.
Almost like they're looking in a full-length mirror, big
sucker-base dildo in hand, daring themselves to stick it on
the glass and bend over.
OVERALL - 7.5/10
Yas, just the exact adrenalin shot we needed after Wednesday's
catastrophe. Never mind the comical Huns and their Pontins
Holiday Camp exploits to shame Peggy - this was the Celtic
Hi-De-Hi to the last-chance salooners willing a Euro-hangover
downfall.
Add in the most probable Hun-in-a-suit suitor in Deek McInnes,
and we had a bit of a task to swat them aside like the dying
wasps they are.
But everything went to the letter - or sweary-word - and the
game was properly taken care of within the first-half. No drama
of the masochist type; no loss of belief apparent from Wednesday's
debacle.
For the majority of the game, the Bhoys were at it like proper
pros, keen to douse the unholy fire from Ayrshire; they did so,
only for it to flare briefly once again thanks to one of our own
- David, ya tosser...- but we asserted ourselves again to kill
off the game in a manner that will give the bhoys great conviction
going into the festive run of games in a few weeks.
And with that, I bid you adieu for a few weeks for historical
national tournament qualification - also enough time for some
marvellous schadenfruede after the Huns fail miserably in Scotland's
equivalent of the Gaza Strip; the Paisley Pattern.
Regardless, we know joyously that the only occupied territory for the
next fortnight will be their heids - by us.
Go Away Now
Sandman
"At least when people shout at me in the street - 'Progress
Sweetcorn!' - it sounds okay. But Steve Davis and Nosferatu?
I don't fancy somebody in the Hoops screaming 'Arse Plimsol!'
at me for the rest of my days..."
- Pedro Caxhina on The Rangers International (except for Cyprus
and Luxembourg) utter, utter, humiliation.
ROXIE - 6.5/10
Beaten by a hardcore Tim - shame on you son... Yet immaculate
in every other goalkeeper task presented. Whiners have to
understand - Big joe is the archetypal Celtic Keeper; focussed
domestically and capable beyond.
GREGGS THE BAKER - 8/10 MOTM
"I WILL play the inverted role..." As he told The Shnake.
And now, as we progress into the season, the baker's tenacity
comes to the fore.
He's beeen his own man in this transition - I noted such back
in August - as he's maintained the Angeball role and forced
the prodigal to accept that's how you get the best out of
Greggs.
Capped his influence off with a goal today, tapping in
with his gimp peg to kill the game off, finally. But don't
underestimate the sharpness and nous required to get himself
in that position.
WAYNE GRETZKY - 6.5/10
Smashing around as has become his forte. Today he had plenty
physical counterpoints to attend to, so we never saw him as
much in the forward role.
But his conservitive bent was really the primary requirement
as he kept a wary eye on his central defensive duo after
Wednesday's calamity.
GET CARTER - 6.5/10
Good to see you back, big fella... Sort of.... Wondered how
he'd settle knowing the Lazio disaster was on his mind but he
was adquately CCV as we know him and did his job with minimal
fuss. Rusty, but of course...
OF JUSTICE - 7/10
Another noteworthy display from the new season's superhero as
the kid defies attempts to expose him as anything less than
Hoops quality.
Once more he was as focussed on those Killie vermin as any
rat escaping the sinking HMS Edmiston Drive, and once more
we got an admirable defensive outing, though taking a card
for his one and only mistimed rodent-skelp.
CALMAC - 7/10
Tick-tock goes the metronome. That's 'Tick-tock', not 'tik-tok'
you juvenuile delinquents; referencing a clock with hands and
numbers and not a Chinese spy app that lobotomises you with
looped, endless, dopamine-heavy metaphysical face-slap video
clips of a vacuous teenager lying about making a milllion bucks
from shearing dangerous dugs.
Our non-attention-whore leader led by example; kept the troops
heads in the game and focussed on the points despite the fascists'
luck of midweek preying on his mind.
THE BUILDER - 7/10
Not quite impactful as recent games but still a wonderfully
inventive presence to have marauding about in that ill-defined
role; brings him within matchwinning distance and cover duties.
HAKUNA HATATE - 7.5/10
Ah, the fully-fit ninja assasin will be a sight to witness....
What a beautiful goal he scored today, before missing at least
a hat-trick.
But you can see the fitness, the match-awareness, the savage Reo
approaching his old levels as he battles back those injury woes.
What a rejuvanated bhoy I expect to see after a few weeks more
recuperation.
LORD KATSUMOTO - 7/10
Today, I will be quiet Daizen... And today we got the more
calculated - knackered? - Daizen; no tearing about closing
down beyond necessity or full-throttle endeavour in attack.
What showed was his footballing intelligence more than usual -
just making sure he was there or thereabouts defensively and
awake to opportunity offensively; and thank fuck for that as
he managed a cultured glance on a corner to set up Greggs
and secure the points.
KILLER MUSHROOM - 6.5/10
Sitters! The wee mhan put on his pokemon boots and we searched
for the power-up that would get him on the scoresheet. Perhaps
he was a tad overpowered today because even with goals gaping
the finish eluded him.
BRIAN DE - 7.5/10
Take a bow, son - you're not just a ropey filmmaker with dubious
writing abilites (Scarface excepted) - you're actually the real
deal with the ball at your feet and the goal in range...
Three in a row as the new bhoy strikes the net with aplomb. Denied
his glory moment on Wednesday, Killie paid dear when he looked up
30 yards out and swept in a beauty; so delicious the VAR Huns
scratched around for minutes trying to deny it.
This new lad has game-changing abilities in his arsenal; let's
hope they don't damp squib...
SUBS -
JAMESY - 6/10
Ach, the Kyogo curse strikes the Perstwick Predator and
he misses a golden moment to hit another record by scoring
in his 499th consecutive season. All over Twatter X - "Jamesy
Forrest is rubbish!"
Shutup ya wee dicks; the bhoy's a Celtic ghod.
OH BHOY - N/A
Oh, oh.
THE NATIONALIST - N/A
'Get in, shore it up, big man's chucked another goal away..."
Pretty sure that's along the lines of the Shnake's instruction.
And he did.
YING - N/A
Yang.
THE ALLFATHER - N/A
Naughty schoolbhoy allowed back in to play with the big lads after
being a pussy; Cantwell makes terminally-ill mouse noises.
THE SHNAKE - 7/10
Dont't fail. Just don't fail - win the game, the points and
sit back for the break.
That was his remit; there was not condescention to player's
energy levels and no tweaking of a winning-ish side to chance
an upset before a decent recovery period.
His main job today was to dispell Nazio nightmares and get the
bhoys dreaming of title success again; achieved.
MIBBERY - 4/10
You all need to get better at this skullduggery, or perhaps
you've just conceded the Hoops are worthy champions again?
Notable that since the ball-tingling Hun implosion the MIBs
have been less expressive, shall we say, in their determination
to thwart the green machine.
Almost like they're looking in a full-length mirror, big
sucker-base dildo in hand, daring themselves to stick it on
the glass and bend over.
OVERALL - 7.5/10
Yas, just the exact adrenalin shot we needed after Wednesday's
catastrophe. Never mind the comical Huns and their Pontins
Holiday Camp exploits to shame Peggy - this was the Celtic
Hi-De-Hi to the last-chance salooners willing a Euro-hangover
downfall.
Add in the most probable Hun-in-a-suit suitor in Deek McInnes,
and we had a bit of a task to swat them aside like the dying
wasps they are.
But everything went to the letter - or sweary-word - and the
game was properly taken care of within the first-half. No drama
of the masochist type; no loss of belief apparent from Wednesday's
debacle.
For the majority of the game, the Bhoys were at it like proper
pros, keen to douse the unholy fire from Ayrshire; they did so,
only for it to flare briefly once again thanks to one of our own
- David, ya tosser...- but we asserted ourselves again to kill
off the game in a manner that will give the bhoys great conviction
going into the festive run of games in a few weeks.
And with that, I bid you adieu for a few weeks for historical
national tournament qualification - also enough time for some
marvellous schadenfruede after the Huns fail miserably in Scotland's
equivalent of the Gaza Strip; the Paisley Pattern.
Regardless, we know joyously that the only occupied territory for the
next fortnight will be their heids - by us.
Go Away Now
Sandman
