Sandman
Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v NE'ER DOWELL
"You have got to shoot, otherwise you can't score.
To win you have to score one more goal than your opponent.
Coincidence is logical. Before I make a mistake, I don't
make that mistake."
- Johan Cruyff
ROXIE - 6/10
So the buck starts and stops with Big Joe and Big Joe
stops most of the bucks thrown at him except the last-gasp
fuckwittery that cost us a grinding point.
He livened things up in the opening 45 with an impromptu
Franco Baresi impersonation, and although many will ask
wherefore wert thou RomeJoe (see what I did there, Marlowe
fans? Yes, that's right...), at the end of the second 45, the
question on my lips and surely Joe's was - who the fuck
thought it a good idea to put Greggs on their monolithic
goalscoring number 9 at the corner?
Like pitching Scrappy Doo in against King Kong and shrugging,
"Na, it'll be fine..."
GREGGS THE BAKER - 5.5/10
A yellow for a mistimed lunge, countering a near-fatal
battering with an elbow that resulted in... Nada; Different
shades of officiating within one Celtic game - who'd have
thunk it? Busy bee but not influential enough to eventually
help force the precious 3 points.
TONY THE TIGER - 6/10
Always reliable, always got some killer crosses in him; not
today. Fell into the general lapse in sharpness and despite
popping up in ferocious attacking mode plenty of times, not
once did we get the decisive and definitive swooping ball.
OF JUSTICE - 6.5/10
How's yer heid? Left with an eyebrow like Gaza's missus, put
in a solid and bright performance only to be left rueing his
part, or lack of, in the final defensive blunder.
GET CARTER - 6/10
Much as above, fine 90 minutes, BUT with added late bemusement
as he appeared to switch off at that crushing moment and wasn't
the dominating figure in our 6 yard box when the corner whipped
across; Bouncer required.
THE ALLFATHER - 5/10
Sprightly kid with all the right touches and forward-thinking
attributes, looked lively until... Hooked at half-time. For...
Reasons...
CALMAC - 6/10
Knackered thanks to Stevie Clarke, yet still in control. But
lacked the Calmac spark to ignite a scorching display. He
prompted and hoped, but those around him who were
expected to take up the mantle let him down.
THE BUILDER - 5.5/10
Ah, Matty - just couldn't find the touch to exert his usual
matchwinning influence and when THE matchwinning
moment fell to him as at Fcuk Park, he blew it with seconds
to go. Damn.
BRIAN DE - 7/10 MOTM
The mhan most likely... To miss a pen... But, still the mhan
most dangerous, inventive and exciting as we pinned them
in and sought the quality to finish them off.
So, even though he failed to convert his penalty - thanks to
a decent save that initially looked sus but after scrutiny was
right out of the playbook of Jamesy's favourite website - Barely
Legal - we thought, okay, there's a half hour of the game to
go and he's going to light up those tired defensive legs...
No, he got subbed immediately. The. Fuck. Whit?
KILLER MUSHROOM - 5/10
He doesn't need many chances, and he didn't get ANY. But, as
ever, he's the guy you go to when the chips are down and you
need a matchwinner from somewhere with a third of the match
to go.
So you replace him... The. Fuck. Whit? #2
YING - 4.5/10
Damn, kid, one of those forgettable days -almost a hero,
free heider scores zero, final balls fluffed too, and we
wonder how in hell you lasted until deep into injury time.
SUBS -
MIKEY J - 5.5/10
Who? He's back! He's tugged! No, Jamesy - a shirt pull.
He's a lucky omen, a vicarious saviour! Nope... We're screwed.
OH BHOY - 5.5/10
Oh, damn. Expectations were high for our habitual sub
scorer but not today; lost in maybe-land with the rest
as he failed to make his presence felt much beyond winning
the first penalty.
EDDIE TURNBULL - 6/10
Confidence is a preference for the habitual voyeur
Of what is known as... Eddie T.
Parkheid life abounded for the gliding geriatric as he
bravely stepped up to beautifully slip home the winning
goal from the spot...
No, hang on - them young 'uns fucked old glory well
and truly; no thanksgiven today (see what I did there,
indigestion-riddled, turkey-filled Americans?).
MARCO POLO - N/A
David Attenborough rocks up at the main doors with a
camera crew and a gaggle of twitchers as the lesser-spotted
Aussie schnider Clarke Gable makes a rare and fleeting appearance.
THE SHNAKE - 4/10
Well, it nearly worked, didn't it? Hooking your most creative
performer and your deadliest striker at a pivotal point as
we toiled at 0-0 was what's known as 'the contrarian maverick
stupefying switcheroo checkmate'.
Well, it is in your heid where it works 99% of the time and
you're lauded with Easter Lilly garlands while being borne
aloft by voluptuous fawning virgins in a parade across a human
river of supine Brendanistas.
In reality, the universe tends to spit the sheer idiocy of it
back in your face. Quickly. Aaaannnd... Yup. The Gucci belt
moment duly arrived. Mental advantage, the mental Huns.
MIBBERY - 5/10
Honestly, Stevie's not been so excited as... The last time
he wrangled a point or two off us. All our own making, really,
as he and his cohorts stuck loosely to the rules and stifled
the giggles as we contrived to not sicken them for a change.
OVERALL - 4/10
Well, well, well... Them again, come to make it sticky
and tricky and we complied and stuttered and lacked
incisiveness.
Pounland Dracula set them up to take something
after a 9 game winless streak, and they got it to 10
but were (Mother)well happy about it.
Not that we lacked possession - a given - but the paucity
of clear chances and shots on target signalled this Celtic
team was not in the groove they should be and the freezing
day turned into an icy wall of frustration and anguish.
If you remember some of the grinds in Buck Rodgers first
rodeo, this harked back to those grimly annoying days;
teams not swept away as we've become accustomed to in the
previous two seasons. More of a methodical lockpicking
exercise that always has the danger of ending like it did
today.
We've sacrificed some dynamism and flair for more control
and pragmatism; when it works it's very efficient and can
flow. When it fails, it's today - relentless yet toothless,
dominating but vulnerable too. In short, pish.
So we head to Rome in search of a win, unable to slap about
Motherwell and hoping Aberdeen 'try harder' to get a result
against the most loathsome band of verminous critters Jim
Henson's workshop ever vomited up.
They probably will; and us too...
We live now, in hope.
Go Away Now
Sandman
"You have got to shoot, otherwise you can't score.
To win you have to score one more goal than your opponent.
Coincidence is logical. Before I make a mistake, I don't
make that mistake."
- Johan Cruyff
ROXIE - 6/10
So the buck starts and stops with Big Joe and Big Joe
stops most of the bucks thrown at him except the last-gasp
fuckwittery that cost us a grinding point.
He livened things up in the opening 45 with an impromptu
Franco Baresi impersonation, and although many will ask
wherefore wert thou RomeJoe (see what I did there, Marlowe
fans? Yes, that's right...), at the end of the second 45, the
question on my lips and surely Joe's was - who the fuck
thought it a good idea to put Greggs on their monolithic
goalscoring number 9 at the corner?
Like pitching Scrappy Doo in against King Kong and shrugging,
"Na, it'll be fine..."
GREGGS THE BAKER - 5.5/10
A yellow for a mistimed lunge, countering a near-fatal
battering with an elbow that resulted in... Nada; Different
shades of officiating within one Celtic game - who'd have
thunk it? Busy bee but not influential enough to eventually
help force the precious 3 points.
TONY THE TIGER - 6/10
Always reliable, always got some killer crosses in him; not
today. Fell into the general lapse in sharpness and despite
popping up in ferocious attacking mode plenty of times, not
once did we get the decisive and definitive swooping ball.
OF JUSTICE - 6.5/10
How's yer heid? Left with an eyebrow like Gaza's missus, put
in a solid and bright performance only to be left rueing his
part, or lack of, in the final defensive blunder.
GET CARTER - 6/10
Much as above, fine 90 minutes, BUT with added late bemusement
as he appeared to switch off at that crushing moment and wasn't
the dominating figure in our 6 yard box when the corner whipped
across; Bouncer required.
THE ALLFATHER - 5/10
Sprightly kid with all the right touches and forward-thinking
attributes, looked lively until... Hooked at half-time. For...
Reasons...
CALMAC - 6/10
Knackered thanks to Stevie Clarke, yet still in control. But
lacked the Calmac spark to ignite a scorching display. He
prompted and hoped, but those around him who were
expected to take up the mantle let him down.
THE BUILDER - 5.5/10
Ah, Matty - just couldn't find the touch to exert his usual
matchwinning influence and when THE matchwinning
moment fell to him as at Fcuk Park, he blew it with seconds
to go. Damn.
BRIAN DE - 7/10 MOTM
The mhan most likely... To miss a pen... But, still the mhan
most dangerous, inventive and exciting as we pinned them
in and sought the quality to finish them off.
So, even though he failed to convert his penalty - thanks to
a decent save that initially looked sus but after scrutiny was
right out of the playbook of Jamesy's favourite website - Barely
Legal - we thought, okay, there's a half hour of the game to
go and he's going to light up those tired defensive legs...
No, he got subbed immediately. The. Fuck. Whit?
KILLER MUSHROOM - 5/10
He doesn't need many chances, and he didn't get ANY. But, as
ever, he's the guy you go to when the chips are down and you
need a matchwinner from somewhere with a third of the match
to go.
So you replace him... The. Fuck. Whit? #2
YING - 4.5/10
Damn, kid, one of those forgettable days -almost a hero,
free heider scores zero, final balls fluffed too, and we
wonder how in hell you lasted until deep into injury time.
SUBS -
MIKEY J - 5.5/10
Who? He's back! He's tugged! No, Jamesy - a shirt pull.
He's a lucky omen, a vicarious saviour! Nope... We're screwed.
OH BHOY - 5.5/10
Oh, damn. Expectations were high for our habitual sub
scorer but not today; lost in maybe-land with the rest
as he failed to make his presence felt much beyond winning
the first penalty.
EDDIE TURNBULL - 6/10
Confidence is a preference for the habitual voyeur
Of what is known as... Eddie T.
Parkheid life abounded for the gliding geriatric as he
bravely stepped up to beautifully slip home the winning
goal from the spot...
No, hang on - them young 'uns fucked old glory well
and truly; no thanksgiven today (see what I did there,
indigestion-riddled, turkey-filled Americans?).
MARCO POLO - N/A
David Attenborough rocks up at the main doors with a
camera crew and a gaggle of twitchers as the lesser-spotted
Aussie schnider Clarke Gable makes a rare and fleeting appearance.
THE SHNAKE - 4/10
Well, it nearly worked, didn't it? Hooking your most creative
performer and your deadliest striker at a pivotal point as
we toiled at 0-0 was what's known as 'the contrarian maverick
stupefying switcheroo checkmate'.
Well, it is in your heid where it works 99% of the time and
you're lauded with Easter Lilly garlands while being borne
aloft by voluptuous fawning virgins in a parade across a human
river of supine Brendanistas.
In reality, the universe tends to spit the sheer idiocy of it
back in your face. Quickly. Aaaannnd... Yup. The Gucci belt
moment duly arrived. Mental advantage, the mental Huns.
MIBBERY - 5/10
Honestly, Stevie's not been so excited as... The last time
he wrangled a point or two off us. All our own making, really,
as he and his cohorts stuck loosely to the rules and stifled
the giggles as we contrived to not sicken them for a change.
OVERALL - 4/10
Well, well, well... Them again, come to make it sticky
and tricky and we complied and stuttered and lacked
incisiveness.
Pounland Dracula set them up to take something
after a 9 game winless streak, and they got it to 10
but were (Mother)well happy about it.
Not that we lacked possession - a given - but the paucity
of clear chances and shots on target signalled this Celtic
team was not in the groove they should be and the freezing
day turned into an icy wall of frustration and anguish.
If you remember some of the grinds in Buck Rodgers first
rodeo, this harked back to those grimly annoying days;
teams not swept away as we've become accustomed to in the
previous two seasons. More of a methodical lockpicking
exercise that always has the danger of ending like it did
today.
We've sacrificed some dynamism and flair for more control
and pragmatism; when it works it's very efficient and can
flow. When it fails, it's today - relentless yet toothless,
dominating but vulnerable too. In short, pish.
So we head to Rome in search of a win, unable to slap about
Motherwell and hoping Aberdeen 'try harder' to get a result
against the most loathsome band of verminous critters Jim
Henson's workshop ever vomited up.
They probably will; and us too...
We live now, in hope.
Go Away Now
Sandman
Last edited:
