Sandman
Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v NOT REAL, THE OTHER ONES
"There is no 'H' in our name. Why? Because we're not the Huns..."
- Diego Simeone press conference.
ROXIE - 8/10
Not a boot or glove wrong. Showgirl extravaganza spectacular -
a showstopping rarity of a penalty save that brought the house
down - for .25 of a second - and a classic Big Joe Big Right
Bit match-saver to hold the point.
Apparently he's 'in decline...' ©FIFA Playstation virgins.
GREGGS THE BAKER - 6/10
Ah, so often Mr.Reliable on CL nights, tonight his Dutch alter
ego took over at the most inopportune moments; Rip Van Winkle
dozing into the game to concede a soft penalty, and not awake
enough to snap forward at their miracle-working sub who took
advantage of Greggs conceding ground to whip in a killer ball
for Dracula's butler to nod in the equalizer.
But... His development as a Euro-Celtic fullback hasn't been
without cultivating moments of class to sparkle-up the graft -
beautiful ball in behind for Daizen to lay on the second, so
kudos.
WAYNE GRETZKY - 6.5/10
Another scrapper, perfect for those opponents; no quarter
given from AJ who, while not at his refined best, still
adopted the persona of a cagefighter to hustle, hassle and
ultimately faze his couterparts. Recognised as such by
street-fighting dugout pimp Simeone who hooked his rattled
left back at half-time.
OF JUSTICE - 7.5/10
Can the Blarney Bhoy do no wrong? This season's startling
breakout continues his remarkable consistency in another CL
match against another side brandishing European football's
top armoury. Poise and awareness enough to mostly subdue their
rapier front two; nothing possible he could do regards the
header.
GET CARTER - 7.5/10
No fannying about tonight - stuck the studs right onto big
Lurch's ankle in the area of the pitch known to elite coaches
as 'Sunday League Retribution Zone'.
Amusing to watch the Spanish Captain Haddie attempt revenge
which all but ended in him shattering a forearm of CCV's
granite nut.
The Big Mhan played like a Big Mhan; unflustered by the card,
extremely disciplined in his positioning and coralling of the
defence.
CALMAC - 7/10
Curiously, Calmac left me a little forlorn after yet another
intense 90; just felt he'd done everything beautifully to a
point, charged the midfield with his metronomic dynamism, but...
As it came to the crucial moments where his creativity might
cultivate matchwinning situations he was perplexingly off-key;
the last guy you'd expect to miss-ping a vital pass or pick the
wrong option.
THE BUILDER - 8/10
Jings, whit a baller the kid is. That laser-sighted pass slid
in to Kyogo was football as art, a Parkheid Banksy. Thereafter,
he corkscrewed his way around enemy territory, swashbuckling
into their box, almost notching one for himself, then...
Fell asleep in the dressing room at half-time and spent the
second-half yelling to the ballboys to get him an Espresso
from the kiosks in the Jock Stein to get him going again. They
were out, as per usual..."Machine's doon, mate..."
Still, bhoy scored the SPL goal of the season on Sunday, set
up the UCL goal of the seaon tonight. Quiet week at work?
HAKUNA HATATE - N/A
God damn. When people wonder about our luck in the CL this
season, just point to that moment you saw Reo greetin' on the
turf; barely a minute after taking a glorious lead. The Universe,
she is a bitch.
LORD KATSUMOTO - 8.5/10 MOTM
Is there anything Daizen cannot do? Yes: stop. You thought
it was only SPL dross like the Huns who were terrified of
him...
Tonight, Euro elite started bewildered, panicked, and then
got frantic every time he appeared like the fucking Tasmanian
Devil screeching around and through their lines.
'Call Elmer Fud! Get Fud!" Simeone could be heard hollering
from the side as rampaging Daizen smoked his defence.
The time he buys the team to compose, reset, or anticipte
with his incessant press is utterly priceless at such a
level. Anything on top is a mega-bonus; we got an assist,
and he deserves MOTM.
KILLER MUSHROOM - 7.5/10
Bam! #2. Following up his, 'Aye Ah can bang them in, in
Europe. How?" maiden goal with another fizzing beauty of
movement and clipped finish.
Not much space for the sprite to work in but his quality
of movement deserved more service, though to be fair the
bhoys were running on empty after an hour.
BRIAN DE - 7.5/10
Just like the movies, eh!? Take Two...
Daizen gets the last touch and Brain smashes it in; oh
shit here comes VAR; Dazein might be off... nope, great
jhoy!
And didn't he celebrate that one?; about the only time
you see such energy from him. That's no criticism - he
has a particular style of playing that sees him beguile
opponents with a Harlem Shuffle before quick feet and
speed of thought prise open the space.
Plenty of sand-dancers try to mimic such movement, but
he looks like he's got the velevet hips for it more than
any other Celt I've seen since utterly mad-mental Paulo
Di Canio.
SUBS -
SAINT BERNARD - 6/10
'I know, throw in another one that looks a bit like
Matty O'Reilly! That'll fuck 'em up..." said The Shnake
as big Paulo Nutini got dragged off his Xbox and hastily
run through the superstore to get kitted out and into
the maelstrom.
And he was knackered by the time Greaseball hit the post
with the pen... Obviously needing more gametime but still
fought his corner well and put himself around fearlessly.
JAMESY - 6/10
Damn, Jamesy - not often he'll say he got too much of a
touch but that 'third leg' he threw at the ball near the
death was just too hefty and knocked it over; whereas a
lesser man might have only managed enough of a whack to
guide it across and in. Jamesy's rueful look to the skies
said it all: it's sometimes a burden to be blessed...
THE NATIONALIST - 6/10
'What the fuck are you giving me the ball for?! I don't
want it!'
I felt for the big guy - all guised up as Ichabod Crane
for Halloween, having previously spent most of his
Liverpool career staring at Mo Salah's perm on the
training ground, and here he is practically being asked
to play holding mid in a CL game agianst La liga's form
team.
He did okay, though, considering the linesman was the
one most in receipt of a pass from him.
THE SHNAKE - 7.5/10
What about Oh and Tonio? Asked Dr.Seuss and the crowd
as we sought a win.
Well, asked me. A little bemused to see big Nat canter
on for Brian De. Of course it was tactical; but so
would have been throwing in Hammer of the Hearts and
Euro hero Tonio Iwattio if you're looking to absorb
their midfield numbers. And if you're thinking
of sneaking a winner, the bhoy Oh's got a track record...
But no, Brendan went for ultra-security and you can't
blame him too much after the Lazio final-scene twist.
He got a point that looked unlikely after an hour and
we survive with a slim hope going into the next round
of games. Well, fair enough.
OVERALL - 8/10
Riddled with football's greatest trinkets they are -
World Cup winners medals, CL, Europa, European
Championship, La liga, Serie A, EPl... Fuck me - list
the honours across that team and you'd not step onto
the park without a duster and polish and the same sense
of inferiority the Huns have when they talk about trophy
hauls (Two, snigger...).
But the Bhoys did take the leap across the chasm
and we feared a hiding, and then they did some more
and we feared less, and then they did even more and
we feared only actually losing from a winning position
which felt 'great' - almost - until that bubble got
burst and then we feared another calamity undoing a
marvellous evening's work...
But Karma got sick of kicking Celtic's Euro-baws
tonight and our lhads left with a precious point but
- far more importantly - rekindled belief that they
can compete at these levels of intensity and quality.
With. No. Fear...
A throwback to CL days of old, it was, topping the
Lazio frenzy for added quality and composure. Admired
not only in this Shire but by notable football media
presences - saw the TNT CL highlights Euro guests
praise Celtic for 'Beautiful and intricate' football
'The best seen across this season's CL'.
So it's not just you and it's not just me - these Bhoys
are the real deal and we're on a roll.
Two games into a vicious 7/21 run and we're still
deserving being able to smile. A lot.
Go Away Now
Sandman
"There is no 'H' in our name. Why? Because we're not the Huns..."
- Diego Simeone press conference.
ROXIE - 8/10
Not a boot or glove wrong. Showgirl extravaganza spectacular -
a showstopping rarity of a penalty save that brought the house
down - for .25 of a second - and a classic Big Joe Big Right
Bit match-saver to hold the point.
Apparently he's 'in decline...' ©FIFA Playstation virgins.
GREGGS THE BAKER - 6/10
Ah, so often Mr.Reliable on CL nights, tonight his Dutch alter
ego took over at the most inopportune moments; Rip Van Winkle
dozing into the game to concede a soft penalty, and not awake
enough to snap forward at their miracle-working sub who took
advantage of Greggs conceding ground to whip in a killer ball
for Dracula's butler to nod in the equalizer.
But... His development as a Euro-Celtic fullback hasn't been
without cultivating moments of class to sparkle-up the graft -
beautiful ball in behind for Daizen to lay on the second, so
kudos.
WAYNE GRETZKY - 6.5/10
Another scrapper, perfect for those opponents; no quarter
given from AJ who, while not at his refined best, still
adopted the persona of a cagefighter to hustle, hassle and
ultimately faze his couterparts. Recognised as such by
street-fighting dugout pimp Simeone who hooked his rattled
left back at half-time.
OF JUSTICE - 7.5/10
Can the Blarney Bhoy do no wrong? This season's startling
breakout continues his remarkable consistency in another CL
match against another side brandishing European football's
top armoury. Poise and awareness enough to mostly subdue their
rapier front two; nothing possible he could do regards the
header.
GET CARTER - 7.5/10
No fannying about tonight - stuck the studs right onto big
Lurch's ankle in the area of the pitch known to elite coaches
as 'Sunday League Retribution Zone'.
Amusing to watch the Spanish Captain Haddie attempt revenge
which all but ended in him shattering a forearm of CCV's
granite nut.
The Big Mhan played like a Big Mhan; unflustered by the card,
extremely disciplined in his positioning and coralling of the
defence.
CALMAC - 7/10
Curiously, Calmac left me a little forlorn after yet another
intense 90; just felt he'd done everything beautifully to a
point, charged the midfield with his metronomic dynamism, but...
As it came to the crucial moments where his creativity might
cultivate matchwinning situations he was perplexingly off-key;
the last guy you'd expect to miss-ping a vital pass or pick the
wrong option.
THE BUILDER - 8/10
Jings, whit a baller the kid is. That laser-sighted pass slid
in to Kyogo was football as art, a Parkheid Banksy. Thereafter,
he corkscrewed his way around enemy territory, swashbuckling
into their box, almost notching one for himself, then...
Fell asleep in the dressing room at half-time and spent the
second-half yelling to the ballboys to get him an Espresso
from the kiosks in the Jock Stein to get him going again. They
were out, as per usual..."Machine's doon, mate..."
Still, bhoy scored the SPL goal of the season on Sunday, set
up the UCL goal of the seaon tonight. Quiet week at work?
HAKUNA HATATE - N/A
God damn. When people wonder about our luck in the CL this
season, just point to that moment you saw Reo greetin' on the
turf; barely a minute after taking a glorious lead. The Universe,
she is a bitch.
LORD KATSUMOTO - 8.5/10 MOTM
Is there anything Daizen cannot do? Yes: stop. You thought
it was only SPL dross like the Huns who were terrified of
him...
Tonight, Euro elite started bewildered, panicked, and then
got frantic every time he appeared like the fucking Tasmanian
Devil screeching around and through their lines.
'Call Elmer Fud! Get Fud!" Simeone could be heard hollering
from the side as rampaging Daizen smoked his defence.
The time he buys the team to compose, reset, or anticipte
with his incessant press is utterly priceless at such a
level. Anything on top is a mega-bonus; we got an assist,
and he deserves MOTM.
KILLER MUSHROOM - 7.5/10
Bam! #2. Following up his, 'Aye Ah can bang them in, in
Europe. How?" maiden goal with another fizzing beauty of
movement and clipped finish.
Not much space for the sprite to work in but his quality
of movement deserved more service, though to be fair the
bhoys were running on empty after an hour.
BRIAN DE - 7.5/10
Just like the movies, eh!? Take Two...
Daizen gets the last touch and Brain smashes it in; oh
shit here comes VAR; Dazein might be off... nope, great
jhoy!
And didn't he celebrate that one?; about the only time
you see such energy from him. That's no criticism - he
has a particular style of playing that sees him beguile
opponents with a Harlem Shuffle before quick feet and
speed of thought prise open the space.
Plenty of sand-dancers try to mimic such movement, but
he looks like he's got the velevet hips for it more than
any other Celt I've seen since utterly mad-mental Paulo
Di Canio.
SUBS -
SAINT BERNARD - 6/10
'I know, throw in another one that looks a bit like
Matty O'Reilly! That'll fuck 'em up..." said The Shnake
as big Paulo Nutini got dragged off his Xbox and hastily
run through the superstore to get kitted out and into
the maelstrom.
And he was knackered by the time Greaseball hit the post
with the pen... Obviously needing more gametime but still
fought his corner well and put himself around fearlessly.
JAMESY - 6/10
Damn, Jamesy - not often he'll say he got too much of a
touch but that 'third leg' he threw at the ball near the
death was just too hefty and knocked it over; whereas a
lesser man might have only managed enough of a whack to
guide it across and in. Jamesy's rueful look to the skies
said it all: it's sometimes a burden to be blessed...
THE NATIONALIST - 6/10
'What the fuck are you giving me the ball for?! I don't
want it!'
I felt for the big guy - all guised up as Ichabod Crane
for Halloween, having previously spent most of his
Liverpool career staring at Mo Salah's perm on the
training ground, and here he is practically being asked
to play holding mid in a CL game agianst La liga's form
team.
He did okay, though, considering the linesman was the
one most in receipt of a pass from him.
THE SHNAKE - 7.5/10
What about Oh and Tonio? Asked Dr.Seuss and the crowd
as we sought a win.
Well, asked me. A little bemused to see big Nat canter
on for Brian De. Of course it was tactical; but so
would have been throwing in Hammer of the Hearts and
Euro hero Tonio Iwattio if you're looking to absorb
their midfield numbers. And if you're thinking
of sneaking a winner, the bhoy Oh's got a track record...
But no, Brendan went for ultra-security and you can't
blame him too much after the Lazio final-scene twist.
He got a point that looked unlikely after an hour and
we survive with a slim hope going into the next round
of games. Well, fair enough.
OVERALL - 8/10
Riddled with football's greatest trinkets they are -
World Cup winners medals, CL, Europa, European
Championship, La liga, Serie A, EPl... Fuck me - list
the honours across that team and you'd not step onto
the park without a duster and polish and the same sense
of inferiority the Huns have when they talk about trophy
hauls (Two, snigger...).
But the Bhoys did take the leap across the chasm
and we feared a hiding, and then they did some more
and we feared less, and then they did even more and
we feared only actually losing from a winning position
which felt 'great' - almost - until that bubble got
burst and then we feared another calamity undoing a
marvellous evening's work...
But Karma got sick of kicking Celtic's Euro-baws
tonight and our lhads left with a precious point but
- far more importantly - rekindled belief that they
can compete at these levels of intensity and quality.
With. No. Fear...
A throwback to CL days of old, it was, topping the
Lazio frenzy for added quality and composure. Admired
not only in this Shire but by notable football media
presences - saw the TNT CL highlights Euro guests
praise Celtic for 'Beautiful and intricate' football
'The best seen across this season's CL'.
So it's not just you and it's not just me - these Bhoys
are the real deal and we're on a roll.
Two games into a vicious 7/21 run and we're still
deserving being able to smile. A lot.
Go Away Now
Sandman
All Huns lurking - beware - you’re going to get a whirlwind of a game 
