Sandman
Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v OOMPA-LOOMPAS
"Victory comes from finding opportunities in problems."
- Sun Tzu
"We arra pe...Bleeeeeearrgggghhh....MMMMMBllllllllee
eeeaaaaargh...Heeeeeeeewwwweeeeeyyy..."
- Huns everywhere.
ROXIE - 6/10
Big Joe loves a challenge, and I expected to see him in United's
six-yard box challenging their charmed keeper. Instead, he stayed
at sweeper, revelling in the drama and finally relieving stress
by humping Abadass in the after-match celebrations.
OF JUSTICE - 5/10
Appeared a bit indecisive and apprehensive with his passing until
late in first period when he came onto a game. Didn't work for
him though, as he stayed inside with Jamesy to rate burds on the
Flying Flasher's Instagram timeline.
STAR LORD - 7/10
"Wait for it...Wait...Waaaaaait...NOW! And...AGAIN!..." Snapped
the psychotic varmint in his heid. And the timing was perfect as
Star Lord announced his presence with two beautifully timed
challenges around our box.
Thereafter the surprises were in abundance as he put in a fine
shift; no mental lapses, just Shelby grit and focus on driving
the side forward.
GET CARTER - 6.5/10
Solidity isn't just a computer coding language, it's also his
trademark. Up against Catalonian bogeyman, Tony Pardon, his
physical prowess was put to a useful test before Dr.Moreau
brings his circus to town on Wednesday.
He came through, as did we all, with grim determination;
'cause he's a big man, in good shape and it's his full time
job. And he behaved himself...
TONY THE TIGER - 5.5/10
Tony likes it roughhouse and fits games like this when fiesty
opposition will bite and snap their way to a result.
We know what we get - 100% committment from one of us, coupled
with energy and determination; often driving our desperation
as the win slipped beyond us. But Tony blew out early, scrappy
and out of sorts by his standards.
BLOCKCHAIN - 6.5/10
It might go straight to video, 'Captain Mossad 2 - Taking On The
Arabs', but he makes it a must-watch drama as he strives for a
second crucial win leading the Rebels.
Led like a big bad bearded boss again - stood growling in the middle
of the park around the hour mark and I just had a feeling we weren't
letting this one slip.
But wouldn't you know it, after Hitler Youth Beaton takes a poke
at the Jew leader Wednesday, in steps a member of the Kreisau
Circle to administer the final solution and red the Celtic captain
with a scandalous decision the likes of which deserves nothing
more than a plane to Nuremburg and a gallows, built high just the
way his kind like them... I bags the lever-pull.
HAKUNA HATATE - 5/10
WTF? Who wasted money on this one? Maybe we'd have gotten another
scintillating display if we'd actually shipped the ball to him
but for some reason he remained on the fringes of play when we
should have been channelling as much through his gifted feet as
possible. Indicative of our overall substandard performance.
THE BUILDER - 7.5/10 MOTM
Well, no fluke that debut - he's got terrific positional sense
and the Rogic passing gene. Unfortunately for our nerves, still
to find a finish that doesn't leave us squatting with heads in
hands like Basil Fawlty in 'The Psychiatrist'.
For all his guile and awreness, the sitter he stroked past instead
of in was the easiest moment of his afternoon. However, he looks
a real find and was easily the most consistently useful Hoop on
the park today.
JAMESY - 5.5/10
Was a surprise not to see him re-appear after the break but that's
the price he paid for tripping over it just before half-time.
Allegedly. Girls... But Jamesy did look lively through the first 45
so at the time of writing I've no idea if it was a tactical or
enforced sub. Put it this way - regardless, he'll be important
midweek.
SON OF JACKIE - 5.5/10
Jee-sus, big mhan. Difficult day, might have been at least a double
scoring hero but denied by the sheer sorcery of their goalie and his
magic paws, baws, and big toe. On his overall display - touch was
way off regardless of the supernatural reasons for him not getting
at least one.
ABADASS - 7/10
I thought he looked more focussed midweek, and certainly first-half
today he was combining his willing, fleet-footed endeavour with
telling final balls - at last. Then, moved to the middle, thought
he'd be eaten up by United's strapping denfenders.
But hey, what about the presence and composure to knock in the glory
goal? A finish right out of the Larsson Cantos Of Heroic Magnificence.
SUBS:
WEE BOAK - 6.5/10
Kicked out of his pram and thrown into a maelstrom wearing a romper
suit shoplifted from the Superstore at half-time. Who the fuck is this,
roared the crowd? Well, from what I saw, his Dad's The Flash - the
proper Flash, not the Jamesy flash...
The kid's got pace and enthusiasm to burn. Amid the storm that was
today's finish, let's not forget a 16 year-old bhoy made his debut
and played like a fine young man. And gave the Huns.. Wait for it..
The boak. I thank you. I'm here all week.
JURAN JURAN - 6/10
Good lively introduction. Injects some industry when he gets on the
ball and not afraid to call some shots.
GREGGS THE BAKER - 6/10
Kick him in the back, it's fine - not a foul... Said the Hun with
the red card tucked down his Ys. Kudos to Greggs for not just sinking
the nut as Nir got dismissed. Kept his head and kept driving us down
the left in search of retribution.
MCCARTHYISM - N/A
Remember Wednesday? Yea, well do that. And he did.
NOTEBOOK - 7/10
Benched with midweek in mind. Then fired in with glory in mind.
He's still tuning up after injury and today was not going to be
the day to rely on his trickery. Or was it? Or WAS it...
He'd tested them, tried them, but not punished them. Then he
switched flanks and in the depths of our anguish, took the ball,
looked up at a packed box and found the sweet-space with a deft
clip that produced more orgasms than Jenna Jameson's entire career.
Disclaimer, kids: No idea who that is.
ANITA DOBSON - 7/10
"WTF are you doing, Ange, ya eejit!?" shouted El Papa at the
Vatican telly when big Son of Jackie was subbed for McCarthyism
as we craved some salavation. "Abadass up front?" bemoaned
the Pontiff, "Fuck's sake, we need a miracle..."
Big Ange cannot be accused of not switching it up. He played
everyone but me and Andrew Ridgely in an attempt to shake
something out of that distressing 90 minutes. And he got there.
But it's bare bones now - Nir wiped by the MIB - and the
Anthill Mob are driving across the city for a showdown.
What's he got up his wizard's sleeve? Go on, Ange - cancel
it, lol...
MIBBERY - 8.5/10
Ha-haha-ha-ha-ha-haaa. Goat-fucking forelock-tugging scumbag.
May crestfallen mendacity haunt his Saturday evening.
The sheer chicanery these bastards indulge in should
not surprise us, but you have to wonder sometimes if
they ever once - just once in their twisted wee lives -
considered Scottish football should be a balanced, fair
contest, officiated with even-handedness, and may the
best team win. LOL, am I on fucking acid?
OVERALL - 6.5/10
Horrible, horrible, horrible. But glorious. Of all
the games to struggle in, another home tie with United
when the Evil Empire were spewing all over Dingwall.
No tempo, no rhythm, missing Calmac like never before.
On top of that, some new security guard let The Snake
back in - disguised as a shiny plastic gnome - and we
didn't get time to abuse him properly due to the late
nature of the victory.
But what a win. And what a way to win. Today is how
titles are won and lost. Pivots in time; last-minute
anguish and ecstasy. Memorable, life-enhancing seconds
after many minutes of dire acceptance bordering on
frustrated despair.
But the Bhoys got there, down to ten and facing rueful
scrutiny and accusations of bottling it; bang! Isn't
the drama of football beautiful? What's that, Huns?
Did yer fix fall apart? Oh, dear, karma's a wonderful
thing.
So on we go with just Ange, Gavin Strachan and his
laptop, Wee Boak and Big Joe fit to take on the Grotesqueries
on Wednesday. A triumph with half a team out would be
something else. Who's to say these keen bhoys won't give
us a night to remember against the odds?
Go Away Now
Sandman.
"Victory comes from finding opportunities in problems."
- Sun Tzu
"We arra pe...Bleeeeeearrgggghhh....MMMMMBllllllllee
eeeaaaaargh...Heeeeeeeewwwweeeeeyyy..."
- Huns everywhere.
ROXIE - 6/10
Big Joe loves a challenge, and I expected to see him in United's
six-yard box challenging their charmed keeper. Instead, he stayed
at sweeper, revelling in the drama and finally relieving stress
by humping Abadass in the after-match celebrations.
OF JUSTICE - 5/10
Appeared a bit indecisive and apprehensive with his passing until
late in first period when he came onto a game. Didn't work for
him though, as he stayed inside with Jamesy to rate burds on the
Flying Flasher's Instagram timeline.
STAR LORD - 7/10
"Wait for it...Wait...Waaaaaait...NOW! And...AGAIN!..." Snapped
the psychotic varmint in his heid. And the timing was perfect as
Star Lord announced his presence with two beautifully timed
challenges around our box.
Thereafter the surprises were in abundance as he put in a fine
shift; no mental lapses, just Shelby grit and focus on driving
the side forward.
GET CARTER - 6.5/10
Solidity isn't just a computer coding language, it's also his
trademark. Up against Catalonian bogeyman, Tony Pardon, his
physical prowess was put to a useful test before Dr.Moreau
brings his circus to town on Wednesday.
He came through, as did we all, with grim determination;
'cause he's a big man, in good shape and it's his full time
job. And he behaved himself...
TONY THE TIGER - 5.5/10
Tony likes it roughhouse and fits games like this when fiesty
opposition will bite and snap their way to a result.
We know what we get - 100% committment from one of us, coupled
with energy and determination; often driving our desperation
as the win slipped beyond us. But Tony blew out early, scrappy
and out of sorts by his standards.
BLOCKCHAIN - 6.5/10
It might go straight to video, 'Captain Mossad 2 - Taking On The
Arabs', but he makes it a must-watch drama as he strives for a
second crucial win leading the Rebels.
Led like a big bad bearded boss again - stood growling in the middle
of the park around the hour mark and I just had a feeling we weren't
letting this one slip.
But wouldn't you know it, after Hitler Youth Beaton takes a poke
at the Jew leader Wednesday, in steps a member of the Kreisau
Circle to administer the final solution and red the Celtic captain
with a scandalous decision the likes of which deserves nothing
more than a plane to Nuremburg and a gallows, built high just the
way his kind like them... I bags the lever-pull.
HAKUNA HATATE - 5/10
WTF? Who wasted money on this one? Maybe we'd have gotten another
scintillating display if we'd actually shipped the ball to him
but for some reason he remained on the fringes of play when we
should have been channelling as much through his gifted feet as
possible. Indicative of our overall substandard performance.
THE BUILDER - 7.5/10 MOTM
Well, no fluke that debut - he's got terrific positional sense
and the Rogic passing gene. Unfortunately for our nerves, still
to find a finish that doesn't leave us squatting with heads in
hands like Basil Fawlty in 'The Psychiatrist'.
For all his guile and awreness, the sitter he stroked past instead
of in was the easiest moment of his afternoon. However, he looks
a real find and was easily the most consistently useful Hoop on
the park today.
JAMESY - 5.5/10
Was a surprise not to see him re-appear after the break but that's
the price he paid for tripping over it just before half-time.
Allegedly. Girls... But Jamesy did look lively through the first 45
so at the time of writing I've no idea if it was a tactical or
enforced sub. Put it this way - regardless, he'll be important
midweek.
SON OF JACKIE - 5.5/10
Jee-sus, big mhan. Difficult day, might have been at least a double
scoring hero but denied by the sheer sorcery of their goalie and his
magic paws, baws, and big toe. On his overall display - touch was
way off regardless of the supernatural reasons for him not getting
at least one.
ABADASS - 7/10
I thought he looked more focussed midweek, and certainly first-half
today he was combining his willing, fleet-footed endeavour with
telling final balls - at last. Then, moved to the middle, thought
he'd be eaten up by United's strapping denfenders.
But hey, what about the presence and composure to knock in the glory
goal? A finish right out of the Larsson Cantos Of Heroic Magnificence.
SUBS:
WEE BOAK - 6.5/10
Kicked out of his pram and thrown into a maelstrom wearing a romper
suit shoplifted from the Superstore at half-time. Who the fuck is this,
roared the crowd? Well, from what I saw, his Dad's The Flash - the
proper Flash, not the Jamesy flash...
The kid's got pace and enthusiasm to burn. Amid the storm that was
today's finish, let's not forget a 16 year-old bhoy made his debut
and played like a fine young man. And gave the Huns.. Wait for it..
The boak. I thank you. I'm here all week.
JURAN JURAN - 6/10
Good lively introduction. Injects some industry when he gets on the
ball and not afraid to call some shots.
GREGGS THE BAKER - 6/10
Kick him in the back, it's fine - not a foul... Said the Hun with
the red card tucked down his Ys. Kudos to Greggs for not just sinking
the nut as Nir got dismissed. Kept his head and kept driving us down
the left in search of retribution.
MCCARTHYISM - N/A
Remember Wednesday? Yea, well do that. And he did.
NOTEBOOK - 7/10
Benched with midweek in mind. Then fired in with glory in mind.
He's still tuning up after injury and today was not going to be
the day to rely on his trickery. Or was it? Or WAS it...
He'd tested them, tried them, but not punished them. Then he
switched flanks and in the depths of our anguish, took the ball,
looked up at a packed box and found the sweet-space with a deft
clip that produced more orgasms than Jenna Jameson's entire career.
Disclaimer, kids: No idea who that is.
ANITA DOBSON - 7/10
"WTF are you doing, Ange, ya eejit!?" shouted El Papa at the
Vatican telly when big Son of Jackie was subbed for McCarthyism
as we craved some salavation. "Abadass up front?" bemoaned
the Pontiff, "Fuck's sake, we need a miracle..."
Big Ange cannot be accused of not switching it up. He played
everyone but me and Andrew Ridgely in an attempt to shake
something out of that distressing 90 minutes. And he got there.
But it's bare bones now - Nir wiped by the MIB - and the
Anthill Mob are driving across the city for a showdown.
What's he got up his wizard's sleeve? Go on, Ange - cancel
it, lol...
MIBBERY - 8.5/10
Ha-haha-ha-ha-ha-haaa. Goat-fucking forelock-tugging scumbag.
May crestfallen mendacity haunt his Saturday evening.
The sheer chicanery these bastards indulge in should
not surprise us, but you have to wonder sometimes if
they ever once - just once in their twisted wee lives -
considered Scottish football should be a balanced, fair
contest, officiated with even-handedness, and may the
best team win. LOL, am I on fucking acid?
OVERALL - 6.5/10
Horrible, horrible, horrible. But glorious. Of all
the games to struggle in, another home tie with United
when the Evil Empire were spewing all over Dingwall.
No tempo, no rhythm, missing Calmac like never before.
On top of that, some new security guard let The Snake
back in - disguised as a shiny plastic gnome - and we
didn't get time to abuse him properly due to the late
nature of the victory.
But what a win. And what a way to win. Today is how
titles are won and lost. Pivots in time; last-minute
anguish and ecstasy. Memorable, life-enhancing seconds
after many minutes of dire acceptance bordering on
frustrated despair.
But the Bhoys got there, down to ten and facing rueful
scrutiny and accusations of bottling it; bang! Isn't
the drama of football beautiful? What's that, Huns?
Did yer fix fall apart? Oh, dear, karma's a wonderful
thing.
So on we go with just Ange, Gavin Strachan and his
laptop, Wee Boak and Big Joe fit to take on the Grotesqueries
on Wednesday. A triumph with half a team out would be
something else. Who's to say these keen bhoys won't give
us a night to remember against the odds?
Go Away Now
Sandman.
Slàinte SMELL THE HUN FEAR
