Sandman
Well-known member
PART ONE because the stupid fucking 'Character Counter ' on this site won't let me post the full ratings because it says there's 'over 10,000 characters'.
There are NOT. There's circa 9000. And it's 3.45 fucking am and I've been tryiing to get this shit posted for the last hour but the Fucking T-1000 won't let me. So it's two fucking parts until the admin disable that AI motherfucker that's depriving me of sleep.
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v SAINT GERRY MARSDEN
Itzhak Stern: "There will be generations of Orange happy
because of you, Johnny 'Schindler' Beaton."
Johnny Beaton (distressed): 'I didn't do enough.'
Itzhak Stern: "You did so much."
Johnny Beaton (sobs): 'But, but...Not enough...Only two.
I...I could have given an...another one (breaks down)..."
- emotional climactic scene from Schindler's List (1993)
ROXIE - 6.5/10
A flash of white around 7 minutes and Joe
thought a pigeon had tangled in the net.
Nope, that's called a goal. To them.
He looked as bewildered as his static
defence but at least he was blameless.
His main success was marshalling a less
than convincing backline to stoicism, and
excellent poise with the ball at his feet.
GREGGS THE BAKER - 6.5/10
For all his huff and puff - that is ubiquitous -
his quality controller had ramped up the pastry
texture tonight as this was a smoother, more
comfortable Greggs. Confident too - charged
around with more constructive purpose as opposed
to Saturday's air of desperation, which was like the
last lunchtime sausage roll on the tray.
WAYNE GRETZKY - 6/10
Despite the Hibs smasheroo in the face leaving
him to believe he was an elephant trainer from
Zanzibar called Euphretes for the last 4 days,
he managed to down whip and bananas and make
it out into the sobering Glasgow night.
Toughed it out again with more caution than
optimism - required, given the agressive nature
of their approach and our instability.
OF JUSTICE - 6/10
"Begorrah! T' fook did he come from?"
Behind you - it's pantomime season.
Of all nights to leave his CL sharpness in
the Guinness glass, this one was shaping up
to be his Waterloo. But after that initial lapse
and accompanying worrisome nerves, a
couple of rollicking tackles reset his focus.
Which was just as well, as Saints posed the
stiffest domestic test for our defence we've
had at home in a while.
THE NATIONALIST - 6/10
At times he clambers around our box like a
mountain man plucked from years in the
wilderness shearing grizzly bears, and often
plays out as if confronted by a ball for the first
time.
But he is effective. And in the absence of CCV
Nat's brawny survivalist skills were required
against the mobile, aggressive brute strength
they countered with.
His best moments were saved for out most
anxious as he defied them late on in the goalmouth
with graceless heroism, employing any part of his
anatomy to swat their efforts away like he was
keeping racoons out of his larder.
CALMAC - 6.5/10
Wearing a bit at the edges. Calmac appears
ready for rest and refreshment. Toiled a little
then found his killer rhythm; was pulling all the
strings in perfect sequence as we built a head
of pressure and eventually hit the blow-off top.
THE BUILDER - 6/10
Quietest Matty's been in months. Maybe due to
the extra pressing workload shared with Calmac
to compensate for the ambling Eddie T. And that's
the story of his game - a decent shift to dig us
out of a hole.
EDDIE TURNBULL - 7/10
Goddamn, Reo, what have you done? Similar to the
opening game of the season, poor Eddie had to make
do with being second-best on the crowd's wishlist
as the pining for Hatate began once more.
And just like that game, the wandering wanderer
was the surprise package - ripped in a wavering
scorcher;
smacked it right across the face with his laces like
Gazza explaining to Sheryl how disappointed he
was with her sandwich-making.
Another MOTM performance icoming? No.
Thanks to the upright, Eddie got denied to chance
to clean his ears out again and the mockery was
reversed. However, he was still the outstanding
midfield geriatric of the night.
JAMESY - 6/10
Jamesy can't score. There, it has been said for the
first time in history; Somewhere, a glass collector
just dropped an empty pint tumbler in shock.
So close on Saturday to winning it, so close tonight
to putting us ahead with his last touch of the game.
And it's not often Jamesy's last touch doesn't produce
ecstasy.
Still, a fine hour busy and buzzing and dragging them
around. Deserved clever movement capped off by
that near thing, which was a tremendous save to be
fair. One of many from a goalkeeper Jamesy curiously
refers to as 'Cockblocker'. Must be some professional
term of affection...
BRIAN DE - 5.5/10
Just like Saturday; ergo, he saw a lot of the ball,
attempted a lot with it, but the vast percentage didn't
come off and we got to live his frustration with him.
One of those players - particular style, can be both
a world-beater or doofus in any given match. Tonight
needs a script re-write.
KILLER MUSHROOM - 6.5/10
Incessantly deadly, to a point... Aesthetic
sensibilities frustrated by the towering ugliness
in their box, out he came to facilitate the Bhoy
Oh's physical wrath, and dropping into the game
came our hired Yakuza assassin.
Only, this time he was creator - wits on high
frequency to link up for the winner - and villain,
missing a one-on-one to seal the glory.
But did you see the terrible damage he did
to that lumbering imbecile as he tried to close
down the keeper? The poor windae-licking giant
may need surgery and suffer PTSD after getting
in the way of Kyogo's unprovoked shove.
Mr.Beaton showed admirable restraint at the
incident...
PART TWO SOMEWHERE ELSE...
BELOW, hopefully...
There are NOT. There's circa 9000. And it's 3.45 fucking am and I've been tryiing to get this shit posted for the last hour but the Fucking T-1000 won't let me. So it's two fucking parts until the admin disable that AI motherfucker that's depriving me of sleep.
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v SAINT GERRY MARSDEN
Itzhak Stern: "There will be generations of Orange happy
because of you, Johnny 'Schindler' Beaton."
Johnny Beaton (distressed): 'I didn't do enough.'
Itzhak Stern: "You did so much."
Johnny Beaton (sobs): 'But, but...Not enough...Only two.
I...I could have given an...another one (breaks down)..."
- emotional climactic scene from Schindler's List (1993)
ROXIE - 6.5/10
A flash of white around 7 minutes and Joe
thought a pigeon had tangled in the net.
Nope, that's called a goal. To them.
He looked as bewildered as his static
defence but at least he was blameless.
His main success was marshalling a less
than convincing backline to stoicism, and
excellent poise with the ball at his feet.
GREGGS THE BAKER - 6.5/10
For all his huff and puff - that is ubiquitous -
his quality controller had ramped up the pastry
texture tonight as this was a smoother, more
comfortable Greggs. Confident too - charged
around with more constructive purpose as opposed
to Saturday's air of desperation, which was like the
last lunchtime sausage roll on the tray.
WAYNE GRETZKY - 6/10
Despite the Hibs smasheroo in the face leaving
him to believe he was an elephant trainer from
Zanzibar called Euphretes for the last 4 days,
he managed to down whip and bananas and make
it out into the sobering Glasgow night.
Toughed it out again with more caution than
optimism - required, given the agressive nature
of their approach and our instability.
OF JUSTICE - 6/10
"Begorrah! T' fook did he come from?"
Behind you - it's pantomime season.
Of all nights to leave his CL sharpness in
the Guinness glass, this one was shaping up
to be his Waterloo. But after that initial lapse
and accompanying worrisome nerves, a
couple of rollicking tackles reset his focus.
Which was just as well, as Saints posed the
stiffest domestic test for our defence we've
had at home in a while.
THE NATIONALIST - 6/10
At times he clambers around our box like a
mountain man plucked from years in the
wilderness shearing grizzly bears, and often
plays out as if confronted by a ball for the first
time.
But he is effective. And in the absence of CCV
Nat's brawny survivalist skills were required
against the mobile, aggressive brute strength
they countered with.
His best moments were saved for out most
anxious as he defied them late on in the goalmouth
with graceless heroism, employing any part of his
anatomy to swat their efforts away like he was
keeping racoons out of his larder.
CALMAC - 6.5/10
Wearing a bit at the edges. Calmac appears
ready for rest and refreshment. Toiled a little
then found his killer rhythm; was pulling all the
strings in perfect sequence as we built a head
of pressure and eventually hit the blow-off top.
THE BUILDER - 6/10
Quietest Matty's been in months. Maybe due to
the extra pressing workload shared with Calmac
to compensate for the ambling Eddie T. And that's
the story of his game - a decent shift to dig us
out of a hole.
EDDIE TURNBULL - 7/10
Goddamn, Reo, what have you done? Similar to the
opening game of the season, poor Eddie had to make
do with being second-best on the crowd's wishlist
as the pining for Hatate began once more.
And just like that game, the wandering wanderer
was the surprise package - ripped in a wavering
scorcher;
smacked it right across the face with his laces like
Gazza explaining to Sheryl how disappointed he
was with her sandwich-making.
Another MOTM performance icoming? No.
Thanks to the upright, Eddie got denied to chance
to clean his ears out again and the mockery was
reversed. However, he was still the outstanding
midfield geriatric of the night.
JAMESY - 6/10
Jamesy can't score. There, it has been said for the
first time in history; Somewhere, a glass collector
just dropped an empty pint tumbler in shock.
So close on Saturday to winning it, so close tonight
to putting us ahead with his last touch of the game.
And it's not often Jamesy's last touch doesn't produce
ecstasy.
Still, a fine hour busy and buzzing and dragging them
around. Deserved clever movement capped off by
that near thing, which was a tremendous save to be
fair. One of many from a goalkeeper Jamesy curiously
refers to as 'Cockblocker'. Must be some professional
term of affection...
BRIAN DE - 5.5/10
Just like Saturday; ergo, he saw a lot of the ball,
attempted a lot with it, but the vast percentage didn't
come off and we got to live his frustration with him.
One of those players - particular style, can be both
a world-beater or doofus in any given match. Tonight
needs a script re-write.
KILLER MUSHROOM - 6.5/10
Incessantly deadly, to a point... Aesthetic
sensibilities frustrated by the towering ugliness
in their box, out he came to facilitate the Bhoy
Oh's physical wrath, and dropping into the game
came our hired Yakuza assassin.
Only, this time he was creator - wits on high
frequency to link up for the winner - and villain,
missing a one-on-one to seal the glory.
But did you see the terrible damage he did
to that lumbering imbecile as he tried to close
down the keeper? The poor windae-licking giant
may need surgery and suffer PTSD after getting
in the way of Kyogo's unprovoked shove.
Mr.Beaton showed admirable restraint at the
incident...
PART TWO SOMEWHERE ELSE...
BELOW, hopefully...
