Sandman
Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v ST.ALISTAIR RIGHTBACK
"Yes, Saint Patrick is most famed for the legend of him keeping
the snakes out of Ireland. Much like Benfica last Thursday night..."
- Ian McBride, Professor of Irish history, Oxford University.
ROXIE - 6/10
Joe's ragin' and will hopefully be punching more heids in the
dressing room than times he needed to take care of the ball.
Little to do all day except Beckenbauer-it, then pulls off a
marvellous save from a point-blank header only to see the
rebound snaffled in. I'd get out of his way in the showers.
And not why you think, Jamesy...
GREGGS THE BAKER - 5.5/10
Prone to undercooking today - not something that can be said
for the shop savouries, thankfully. His decision-making in
defensive passages of play was hesitant and scrappy. Got away
with a couple of poor clearances before fnally being punished
at their goal - ball broke from his possession/side, was switched
opposite and slung back in to add insult to injury when he
was beaten to it at the back post. Frustrating day.
WAYNE GRETZKY - 6/10
Struggled to find his range early on but was relieved by the
dynamism up ahead of him. Gradually he bullied his way into the
game to finish strongly, scored a belter denied by an offside
ruling only to be found in the Scottish Referees handbook
appendix under, 'Preventing the Tims improving goal difference
in the unlikely event of a close title race'.
RAQUEL - 5.5/10
Took an awkward high ball dropping out of the sky in cool
fashion early doors to show he was tuned in well. Thereafter
looked very comfortable. Until...
Absent CCV he appeared a bit rattled and lost control of the
backline. Was hopelessly caught under the ball for their goal,
leaving Greggs to handle the big striker at the back post.
Worrying end to a promising start.
GET CARTER - 7/10
The Rock takes no prisoners. The Rock IS your prison, strikers.
Steel and purpose is what we get with the big mhan back toward
his best. Tidy with his defensive duties and powering the side
forward; part of the spine that wins championships. The deficit
in defensive fortitude in his late absence was clear to see.
TONIO IWATAO - 6.5/10
Holy moley, Sand Wedge Heid-San! The seven lucky deities of
the Japanese deserted him a yard out as the moonlighting
Dundee United captain looked to cap a commanding performance
with a goal.
But he was stoic, efficient and commanding for the 90, showing
some cultured football as well.
SAINT BERNARDO - 5.5/10
The O'Reilly evil twin has a bit of sympathy in his
current role, which is basically water-carrier as
he scuttles around the midfield looking to hustle
or pounce.
When things fall his way it can prove Hunskelpingly
great but often it's a lot of futile endeavour in a
thankless but galvanising role.
THE BUILDER - 6/10
On and off it, hit and miss - touch verged on clumsy
today around crucial moments yet almost scored a
stinger but for their keeper's manicure.
Matty's Euros prospects look good but he'll need to
nail some consistent Celtic suavery to cement his place
in the vikings' longboat trip.
TAKINTE - 8/10 MOTM
KT & Paddy Roberts' gene-splicing experiment is beginning
to produce the sort of results such a thrilling prospect
teases.
Nearing his fighting weight once more, he floated like
a butterfly and stung like a bee in a vibrant hour of
delighful incisive football, highlighted with a brilliant
assist and a tap-in reward.
Looks like we may be on course for one of those legendary
title-winning contributions from a player written-off too
soon. Prepare some sacrifices to the Ghod of enduring
fitness and get this bhoy through to the summer intact
so we can see what damage his swift feet - and particularly
dextrous left - can do in the name of the cause.
KILLER MUSHROOM - 7.5/10
Ha! 'The title's in his boots,' said some mouthy cunt*
online last weekend.
Actually, today also on his heid.
So would Buck Rodgers take 'heed' of web maniacs and
relent to the inevitable logic of fielding and feeding our star
assassin? Build our game around servicing the serial 'skelper?
Yes! And that's what fucking common sense gets you - three
points courtesy of fantastic striking play that struck one
but deserved a hat-trick, but for witchcraft.
PLAY HIM! SERVICE HIM! WIN!
*this cunt.
LORD KATSUMOTO - 6.5/10
He's irrepressible. With 'press' being Daizen's operative
word. Following Scottish Cup Sunday's dynamite demolition
of the Scarface XI, no goals but plenty of Daizen-eque
involvement with perpetual motion, setups, fuckups and
inscrutable intensity.
SUBS -
JAMESY - 6.5/10
He scores! He shoots! That's Jamesy for you, ladies...
On the day of his four hundred and eighty-seven millionth
appearance for Celtic he bagged a real cracker.
And after taking her home from the club and staying up all
night, he also managed to come on as sub this afternoon and
notch another super goal.
How does he do it? Well, in his post-game interview he
shrugged, "It's spring now, like. Scorin' season, eh?
(winks to camera) Know whit Ah mean, burds? (sniffs)
Fancy it?"
LAGERTHA - N/A
"Hello, is it me you're looking for? I can see it in your
eyes. I can see it in your smile. You're all I've ever
wanted. And my arms are open wide..."
And the bhoy who ran from the crowd v Feyenoord finally
got to see his lost love in the flesh once more after
months of listening to Lionel Ritchie on Spotify loop.
For ten minutes or something...
DUNCAN IDAHO - N/A
Big bhoy looking to make a big impact and stop us
questioning Oh's right to some minutes. And to be fair,
he almost had a sweet Rabona goal for his Youtube
highlights reel.
NED KELLY - N/A
Just more precious gamtetime for the raw outlaw.
THE ALLFATHER - N/A
Welcome back. About bloody time Cantwell's Crippler
saw the ball. This bhoy is a player, imo.
THE SHNAKE - 7/10
See what humbly following the suggestons of online
lunatics does for you? Aye, aye, he did...
Three points, star striker back in form and in his
groove, and the team playing more like a cohesive
focussed unit.
Brendanistas, I am your Lisan Al-Gaib...
MIBBERY - 5.5/10
A sneaky rabbit-punch from the goatfucker enclave
today as AJ's late stunner is nullified due to Jamesy's
wang drifting offside in the build up.
His failed secure tuck aside, the irony of the decision
being called for an incident so far back is lost on
no-one when it was a goal that would have edged us ahead
of the Rabid's goal-difference.
Hmm, hubble bubble toil and trouble... Is still very much
afoot, Macbeth
OVERALL - 7.5/10
St.Paddy's Day Eve and no quarter given by the sort of
relentless Celtic display we've waited all year to see.
Grown-up-sex-pest-Harry-Potter and his ranch wrangler
collective had given us problems in the past two meetings
this season so the basic remit was just win at all costs.
Fact that we did so with a measure of style, at a tempo
of intensity reaching previous heights, and with chances
to spare was most pleasing; also considering our metronome's
enforced lay-off.
Now we cross fingers and hope for gentlemanly conduct
across the globe as international friendlies are required
to stay just that.
The final break before the Easter endgame will let us see
just how powerful the forces of darkness gathered against
us are; may all travelling fenian fellows return to Paradise
in the best of fettle to slay those filthy demons of the
Southside Slaughterhouse Select.
Go Away Now
Sandman
"Yes, Saint Patrick is most famed for the legend of him keeping
the snakes out of Ireland. Much like Benfica last Thursday night..."
- Ian McBride, Professor of Irish history, Oxford University.
ROXIE - 6/10
Joe's ragin' and will hopefully be punching more heids in the
dressing room than times he needed to take care of the ball.
Little to do all day except Beckenbauer-it, then pulls off a
marvellous save from a point-blank header only to see the
rebound snaffled in. I'd get out of his way in the showers.
And not why you think, Jamesy...
GREGGS THE BAKER - 5.5/10
Prone to undercooking today - not something that can be said
for the shop savouries, thankfully. His decision-making in
defensive passages of play was hesitant and scrappy. Got away
with a couple of poor clearances before fnally being punished
at their goal - ball broke from his possession/side, was switched
opposite and slung back in to add insult to injury when he
was beaten to it at the back post. Frustrating day.
WAYNE GRETZKY - 6/10
Struggled to find his range early on but was relieved by the
dynamism up ahead of him. Gradually he bullied his way into the
game to finish strongly, scored a belter denied by an offside
ruling only to be found in the Scottish Referees handbook
appendix under, 'Preventing the Tims improving goal difference
in the unlikely event of a close title race'.
RAQUEL - 5.5/10
Took an awkward high ball dropping out of the sky in cool
fashion early doors to show he was tuned in well. Thereafter
looked very comfortable. Until...
Absent CCV he appeared a bit rattled and lost control of the
backline. Was hopelessly caught under the ball for their goal,
leaving Greggs to handle the big striker at the back post.
Worrying end to a promising start.
GET CARTER - 7/10
The Rock takes no prisoners. The Rock IS your prison, strikers.
Steel and purpose is what we get with the big mhan back toward
his best. Tidy with his defensive duties and powering the side
forward; part of the spine that wins championships. The deficit
in defensive fortitude in his late absence was clear to see.
TONIO IWATAO - 6.5/10
Holy moley, Sand Wedge Heid-San! The seven lucky deities of
the Japanese deserted him a yard out as the moonlighting
Dundee United captain looked to cap a commanding performance
with a goal.
But he was stoic, efficient and commanding for the 90, showing
some cultured football as well.
SAINT BERNARDO - 5.5/10
The O'Reilly evil twin has a bit of sympathy in his
current role, which is basically water-carrier as
he scuttles around the midfield looking to hustle
or pounce.
When things fall his way it can prove Hunskelpingly
great but often it's a lot of futile endeavour in a
thankless but galvanising role.
THE BUILDER - 6/10
On and off it, hit and miss - touch verged on clumsy
today around crucial moments yet almost scored a
stinger but for their keeper's manicure.
Matty's Euros prospects look good but he'll need to
nail some consistent Celtic suavery to cement his place
in the vikings' longboat trip.
TAKINTE - 8/10 MOTM
KT & Paddy Roberts' gene-splicing experiment is beginning
to produce the sort of results such a thrilling prospect
teases.
Nearing his fighting weight once more, he floated like
a butterfly and stung like a bee in a vibrant hour of
delighful incisive football, highlighted with a brilliant
assist and a tap-in reward.
Looks like we may be on course for one of those legendary
title-winning contributions from a player written-off too
soon. Prepare some sacrifices to the Ghod of enduring
fitness and get this bhoy through to the summer intact
so we can see what damage his swift feet - and particularly
dextrous left - can do in the name of the cause.
KILLER MUSHROOM - 7.5/10
Ha! 'The title's in his boots,' said some mouthy cunt*
online last weekend.
Actually, today also on his heid.
So would Buck Rodgers take 'heed' of web maniacs and
relent to the inevitable logic of fielding and feeding our star
assassin? Build our game around servicing the serial 'skelper?
Yes! And that's what fucking common sense gets you - three
points courtesy of fantastic striking play that struck one
but deserved a hat-trick, but for witchcraft.
PLAY HIM! SERVICE HIM! WIN!
*this cunt.
LORD KATSUMOTO - 6.5/10
He's irrepressible. With 'press' being Daizen's operative
word. Following Scottish Cup Sunday's dynamite demolition
of the Scarface XI, no goals but plenty of Daizen-eque
involvement with perpetual motion, setups, fuckups and
inscrutable intensity.
SUBS -
JAMESY - 6.5/10
He scores! He shoots! That's Jamesy for you, ladies...
On the day of his four hundred and eighty-seven millionth
appearance for Celtic he bagged a real cracker.
And after taking her home from the club and staying up all
night, he also managed to come on as sub this afternoon and
notch another super goal.
How does he do it? Well, in his post-game interview he
shrugged, "It's spring now, like. Scorin' season, eh?
(winks to camera) Know whit Ah mean, burds? (sniffs)
Fancy it?"
LAGERTHA - N/A
"Hello, is it me you're looking for? I can see it in your
eyes. I can see it in your smile. You're all I've ever
wanted. And my arms are open wide..."
And the bhoy who ran from the crowd v Feyenoord finally
got to see his lost love in the flesh once more after
months of listening to Lionel Ritchie on Spotify loop.
For ten minutes or something...
DUNCAN IDAHO - N/A
Big bhoy looking to make a big impact and stop us
questioning Oh's right to some minutes. And to be fair,
he almost had a sweet Rabona goal for his Youtube
highlights reel.
NED KELLY - N/A
Just more precious gamtetime for the raw outlaw.
THE ALLFATHER - N/A
Welcome back. About bloody time Cantwell's Crippler
saw the ball. This bhoy is a player, imo.
THE SHNAKE - 7/10
See what humbly following the suggestons of online
lunatics does for you? Aye, aye, he did...
Three points, star striker back in form and in his
groove, and the team playing more like a cohesive
focussed unit.
Brendanistas, I am your Lisan Al-Gaib...
MIBBERY - 5.5/10
A sneaky rabbit-punch from the goatfucker enclave
today as AJ's late stunner is nullified due to Jamesy's
wang drifting offside in the build up.
His failed secure tuck aside, the irony of the decision
being called for an incident so far back is lost on
no-one when it was a goal that would have edged us ahead
of the Rabid's goal-difference.
Hmm, hubble bubble toil and trouble... Is still very much
afoot, Macbeth
OVERALL - 7.5/10
St.Paddy's Day Eve and no quarter given by the sort of
relentless Celtic display we've waited all year to see.
Grown-up-sex-pest-Harry-Potter and his ranch wrangler
collective had given us problems in the past two meetings
this season so the basic remit was just win at all costs.
Fact that we did so with a measure of style, at a tempo
of intensity reaching previous heights, and with chances
to spare was most pleasing; also considering our metronome's
enforced lay-off.
Now we cross fingers and hope for gentlemanly conduct
across the globe as international friendlies are required
to stay just that.
The final break before the Easter endgame will let us see
just how powerful the forces of darkness gathered against
us are; may all travelling fenian fellows return to Paradise
in the best of fettle to slay those filthy demons of the
Southside Slaughterhouse Select.
Go Away Now
Sandman
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