Sandman
Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ WINTERFELL
"Beyond the Ice Wall lies the place of The Wildings, who worship
oil. They run free, stand free, rustle sweetie papers when they
get excited, and ravish sheep to calm down.
Their leader is a wtiless Hun of the South, raised to godlike
status by deluded aspiration and sentiment for times past when
another alky ex-Hun led them to unimagined glory. They claim to
fear little, but the invading Celts have taken many a trophy from
their desperate grasps."
Game Of Thrones, 'Chronicles of The Northmen'.
"I object to being called a sad orange bastard by the secretanarianists
in the Celtic support. I am clearly a miserable orange bastard."
Derek McInness, greetin' after the game. Unusually...
"Fit like? Furry bits d'ye bide?"
Aberdonian for, 'Good day, can you explain to me what electricity is?'
THE WALL - N/A
Monolithic presence in startling canary yellow - too much for some of
the local tweakers who ran out screaming about giant jurassic dinosaur
birds and how Jeff Goldblum was right about 'life always finding a way...'
Enjoyed his day until the hour mark when the sun was obscured by the
shadows of the stands and he couldn't work on his tan anymore.
AJER - 7/10
Ah, the North. So close to Valhalla he can smell it. Behind the stand,
shores upon which his ancestors landed to rape and pillage. Well, pillage
only, after they got an eyeful of the local 'women'...
Big Ragnar revelled in the memory of ancestral war-waging. But found no
worthy opponents today. Indeed, the vikings would have been embarrassed
at the level of resistance. He strolled it.
PINGPONG - 8.5/10 MOTM
The cloying warmth of backstreet Thai bars was blown away by the bitter
north-east bluster. But enough of McInness' breath unsettling the wee
mhan - he owned that right side.
He's not the Thai Junior Ping-Pong-With-Nae-Bats champion for nothing
and we saw the future today; it was dazzling: Movement, energy, intensity,
ability - and a goal thrown in. Enthusiastic wee champion! You just want
to pinch his cheek and buy him a Happy meal.
JULLIEN CLARY - 7/10
Big fascist-smasher. Took on Aberdeen's BFG (Big Fucking Gimp) in a
first-half WWF charity event. Incredibly, replaced at half-time just
as all maniacal interweb match summarisers were dreaming of their
renewed 'headed goal from Julien' bet coming up trumps second-half.
The most insane substitution of the season...
BOLIWOOD/DJANGO UNCHAINED - 6.5/10
I knew he wasn't Sincy! I sussed him today in a flash of epiphany.
But what an acting job Jamie Foxx did here to get himself estalished
in the Celtic first-team squad before revealing his true identity.
And he's not bad. Having escaped the slavers of the deep South
he's playing the part of a Celtic left-back, a difficult job filling
out the role of a former kid superhero but this movie reboot is so far
on track despite a few dodgy scenes.
Today, Django was back on it with that enthusiasm that carries the
day - or certainlty will in SPL domestic contests. Nothign mental,
nothing overtly spectacular, just a smooth cog in the conquering Tim
Machine.
BROON - 7.5/10
Would he be fresh enough after leading his victorious brigade of Antifa
heroes?
The idol of Shay the LIAR Logan - illigitimate sibling of departed-Hobbit
Shinnie - who often vents his loathing of the Hoops, reprised his total
control of the game to once again become the Baron of Sheepland.
Stamped his authority sometime after breakfast and was merciless with
his possession. No scraps left, and no scraps lost. Like. A. Boss.
CALMAC - 6.5/10
He was perky and bright but I though his timing/touch were out first
half although his positioning, movment and breakup play all spot-on.
Another component playing his part without stretching himself too much.
ELSHAGYONLASSIE - 7.5/10
Lively and involved with real impact - setting up Jamesy, great take and
finish for his own. Always in and around French Eddy which gave us exciting
options at the edge of the box and proved a nightmare for them to handle.
Major contributer to our match-killing start.
FORREST - 7.5/10
Bloody freezing, Jamesy. So he did the right thing and kept it in his jockstrap
lest the North winds blew it aff. At least the cold made sure there was nothing
in extremis to damage while he taunted and terrorized their left flank and drew
them into a kicking match. Well, they kicked fresh air. Jamesy floated around,
and devastated them with his sublime finish after zipping in like a barracuda
through the shallows.
ROGIC - 6/10
If you want to shear a sheep, bring in a big Aussie sheep rancher. Spent the
first fifteen minutes in the stand swith the away support then ambled on to
pop up around their box and make me realise Corpus wasn't playing.
Still appears to have some way to go to full-Rogicness but clipped in a lovely
ball for El's goal and there were signs - when he wasn't getting tangled up -
that sharpness is slowly honing.
FRENCH EDDY - 8/10
Magnifique. Le Tueur struck with just about the goal of the season to
open the beautful Sunday scoring. Utter class running that front line Han Solo -
wish we'd take the burden off him sometimes with a 'Plan B' strike partner.
BUT... in his post-game interview did he say 'the HUNS just play this afternoon,
so it was important result'. Spat my beer everywhere. Oh, please say it was so...
SUBS -
BITTON - 6/10
Big Nir returns to handle the BFG for the second-half; nice assessment
of his physical rehabilitation. he came through, and still managed a few
of his incisive forward passes.
SON OF A GUN - N/A
On comes big Cameo to join in the shootie-in, and... Didn't get one in.
His pals were bored by then and he charged about shouting, "mon' ya bams,
gie's a hon'" in Ivorian, looking for an opening that never transpired.
JONNY HAYES - N/A
Thrown on from the past to remind the Sheep of their past future present
future past players, or something like that from a duff Terminator script.
LENNONY - 8.5/10
Test? Passed. Got everything right from the start - mentally all-in to reduce
Thursday's glory to yesterday's afterthought. He had his men in the moment and
howwe benefitted. Compare and contrast to the livingston debacle where it was
Sunday-league hangover going-through-the-motions-waiting-for-someone-else-to-
wake-up.
Aside from one of the craziest substitutions in Celtic histoy (point off for
that!), a major obstacle on the calendar was reduced to a half-hour execution
with no little thanks to quality man-management.
OVERALL - 9/10
Not baaaaa...d. Magnificent Hoops ignored the distraction of Derek McInnes
shuffling along the touchline and intermittently peppering the proceedings with
invective like a grumpy, hairy lesbian feminist activist at a patriarchy protest.
We consigned Livi Sunday to the WTF? bin of bad memories and got to slaughtering
the Northern flock for Sunday lunch, leaving all the wee lambs in the stands
silenced (see what I did there, Hannibal?).
No Euro-lag, just a squad of players finding their groove and focussing on the
prize. Pitch perfect pumping for opponents who like to throw a spanner in
ocassionally. And a decent goal difference addition. We move on victorious.
Go Away Now.
Sandman Out
"Beyond the Ice Wall lies the place of The Wildings, who worship
oil. They run free, stand free, rustle sweetie papers when they
get excited, and ravish sheep to calm down.
Their leader is a wtiless Hun of the South, raised to godlike
status by deluded aspiration and sentiment for times past when
another alky ex-Hun led them to unimagined glory. They claim to
fear little, but the invading Celts have taken many a trophy from
their desperate grasps."
Game Of Thrones, 'Chronicles of The Northmen'.
"I object to being called a sad orange bastard by the secretanarianists
in the Celtic support. I am clearly a miserable orange bastard."
Derek McInness, greetin' after the game. Unusually...
"Fit like? Furry bits d'ye bide?"
Aberdonian for, 'Good day, can you explain to me what electricity is?'
THE WALL - N/A
Monolithic presence in startling canary yellow - too much for some of
the local tweakers who ran out screaming about giant jurassic dinosaur
birds and how Jeff Goldblum was right about 'life always finding a way...'
Enjoyed his day until the hour mark when the sun was obscured by the
shadows of the stands and he couldn't work on his tan anymore.
AJER - 7/10
Ah, the North. So close to Valhalla he can smell it. Behind the stand,
shores upon which his ancestors landed to rape and pillage. Well, pillage
only, after they got an eyeful of the local 'women'...
Big Ragnar revelled in the memory of ancestral war-waging. But found no
worthy opponents today. Indeed, the vikings would have been embarrassed
at the level of resistance. He strolled it.
PINGPONG - 8.5/10 MOTM
The cloying warmth of backstreet Thai bars was blown away by the bitter
north-east bluster. But enough of McInness' breath unsettling the wee
mhan - he owned that right side.
He's not the Thai Junior Ping-Pong-With-Nae-Bats champion for nothing
and we saw the future today; it was dazzling: Movement, energy, intensity,
ability - and a goal thrown in. Enthusiastic wee champion! You just want
to pinch his cheek and buy him a Happy meal.
JULLIEN CLARY - 7/10
Big fascist-smasher. Took on Aberdeen's BFG (Big Fucking Gimp) in a
first-half WWF charity event. Incredibly, replaced at half-time just
as all maniacal interweb match summarisers were dreaming of their
renewed 'headed goal from Julien' bet coming up trumps second-half.
The most insane substitution of the season...
BOLIWOOD/DJANGO UNCHAINED - 6.5/10
I knew he wasn't Sincy! I sussed him today in a flash of epiphany.
But what an acting job Jamie Foxx did here to get himself estalished
in the Celtic first-team squad before revealing his true identity.
And he's not bad. Having escaped the slavers of the deep South
he's playing the part of a Celtic left-back, a difficult job filling
out the role of a former kid superhero but this movie reboot is so far
on track despite a few dodgy scenes.
Today, Django was back on it with that enthusiasm that carries the
day - or certainlty will in SPL domestic contests. Nothign mental,
nothing overtly spectacular, just a smooth cog in the conquering Tim
Machine.
BROON - 7.5/10
Would he be fresh enough after leading his victorious brigade of Antifa
heroes?
The idol of Shay the LIAR Logan - illigitimate sibling of departed-Hobbit
Shinnie - who often vents his loathing of the Hoops, reprised his total
control of the game to once again become the Baron of Sheepland.
Stamped his authority sometime after breakfast and was merciless with
his possession. No scraps left, and no scraps lost. Like. A. Boss.
CALMAC - 6.5/10
He was perky and bright but I though his timing/touch were out first
half although his positioning, movment and breakup play all spot-on.
Another component playing his part without stretching himself too much.
ELSHAGYONLASSIE - 7.5/10
Lively and involved with real impact - setting up Jamesy, great take and
finish for his own. Always in and around French Eddy which gave us exciting
options at the edge of the box and proved a nightmare for them to handle.
Major contributer to our match-killing start.
FORREST - 7.5/10
Bloody freezing, Jamesy. So he did the right thing and kept it in his jockstrap
lest the North winds blew it aff. At least the cold made sure there was nothing
in extremis to damage while he taunted and terrorized their left flank and drew
them into a kicking match. Well, they kicked fresh air. Jamesy floated around,
and devastated them with his sublime finish after zipping in like a barracuda
through the shallows.
ROGIC - 6/10
If you want to shear a sheep, bring in a big Aussie sheep rancher. Spent the
first fifteen minutes in the stand swith the away support then ambled on to
pop up around their box and make me realise Corpus wasn't playing.
Still appears to have some way to go to full-Rogicness but clipped in a lovely
ball for El's goal and there were signs - when he wasn't getting tangled up -
that sharpness is slowly honing.
FRENCH EDDY - 8/10
Magnifique. Le Tueur struck with just about the goal of the season to
open the beautful Sunday scoring. Utter class running that front line Han Solo -
wish we'd take the burden off him sometimes with a 'Plan B' strike partner.
BUT... in his post-game interview did he say 'the HUNS just play this afternoon,
so it was important result'. Spat my beer everywhere. Oh, please say it was so...
SUBS -
BITTON - 6/10
Big Nir returns to handle the BFG for the second-half; nice assessment
of his physical rehabilitation. he came through, and still managed a few
of his incisive forward passes.
SON OF A GUN - N/A
On comes big Cameo to join in the shootie-in, and... Didn't get one in.
His pals were bored by then and he charged about shouting, "mon' ya bams,
gie's a hon'" in Ivorian, looking for an opening that never transpired.
JONNY HAYES - N/A
Thrown on from the past to remind the Sheep of their past future present
future past players, or something like that from a duff Terminator script.
LENNONY - 8.5/10
Test? Passed. Got everything right from the start - mentally all-in to reduce
Thursday's glory to yesterday's afterthought. He had his men in the moment and
howwe benefitted. Compare and contrast to the livingston debacle where it was
Sunday-league hangover going-through-the-motions-waiting-for-someone-else-to-
wake-up.
Aside from one of the craziest substitutions in Celtic histoy (point off for
that!), a major obstacle on the calendar was reduced to a half-hour execution
with no little thanks to quality man-management.
OVERALL - 9/10
Not baaaaa...d. Magnificent Hoops ignored the distraction of Derek McInnes
shuffling along the touchline and intermittently peppering the proceedings with
invective like a grumpy, hairy lesbian feminist activist at a patriarchy protest.
We consigned Livi Sunday to the WTF? bin of bad memories and got to slaughtering
the Northern flock for Sunday lunch, leaving all the wee lambs in the stands
silenced (see what I did there, Hannibal?).
No Euro-lag, just a squad of players finding their groove and focussing on the
prize. Pitch perfect pumping for opponents who like to throw a spanner in
ocassionally. And a decent goal difference addition. We move on victorious.
Go Away Now.
Sandman Out
