Sandman
Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS (In official Celtic 2nd language of Engrish): CELTIC v SEAN SOUTH'S SELECT
"Slaying dragons is a Western concept. In the East, they are sacred.
Divine creatures who brought wisdom, strength, even redemption."
Dr.Chen, Kaiju O Gojira
ROXIE - 6/10
Big Joe, as we've come to expect, does what all top-class keepers
do and turns up in the crucial moments. His tonight mid 2nd-half
with velcro gloves to thwart Hibs big chance; vastly under-rated
goaltending, kids, as it required perfect reading of the game and
anticipation to not only intercept a fizzing cutback but hold it
to avoid spillage for a tap-in. Aplomb is his middle name.
JURAN JURAN - 6.5/10
Nice pen, dispatched like Steve McQueen. Always good to have a
confident taker keen on a little glory. Juran exudes that right
now, playing with determination that has him involved back to
front. Sort of player who drives others onto title wins.
STAR LORD - 7/10
Well, the thought of scatterbrained Star Lord up against Hibs
speedy attack, who like to punish you in behind, was enough for
a mouthful of calcium powder and teeth ground to stumps.
But he prevailed. On his toes, keen to get first to every
forward ball. Had Get Carter watching on bemused as Star Lord
played Stars-in-your-eyes Mark Reiper and won all that came at
him with vigour.
Flustered only when romping out of his comfort zone and range
of his invisible friend. But even the startled racoon will
admit he actually looked a player for lengthy spells of the
match.
GET CARTER - 6/10
Tied up with their rangy centre, Nisbett. Has smacked enough
young ponces like him around at the nightclub doors to know
their lip will soon stop after initial mouthing-off.
So it was as we recovered from early scares which saw him
stretched and chasing shadows. Remained tough and ready for
a scrap as ever, offering short change for rest of the game.
GREGGS THE BAKER - 6/10
Industry as expected. Always busy, Greggs, but unlike
the shops he rarely runs out of stock. Touch was off
a little but he'll make amend for clumsiness with workrate
and steel. Don't underestimate his energy to cope with Hibs'
fiery forward line.
CALMAC - 7/10
A performance of underrated excellence not seen since
Laurence Olivier died backstage during Hamlet and Barney
the midget court jester filleted the corpse, climbed
inside like Han Solo in The Empire Strikes Back, took
to the stage, and with stunning oratory, completed the
final act to wild applause.
Calmac is simply our processor, like the one in the
device you're reading these words on, continually
running in the Celtic background, the CPU holding the
entire system together, facilitating everything.
ROGIC - 7.5/10
Babysitting Djockovic kept Oz busy all the break and
we wondered if he could reproduce the scintillating,
cultured socceroo style in this vital second half of
the season.
Well, he's off to a start of touch and charm that
takes the breath away. Nobody will benefit more from
the additions to the team than Oz, now with multiple
fleet-footed, fast of thought comrades around him
offering themselves to his footballing instincts.
Tonight, he tormented Hibs as ever, might have scored,
made sure we did.
HAKUNA HATATE - 8/10 MOTM
No worries indeed from the laid-back, swaggering
exponent of the kind of beautiful Far East footballing
nous we last saw from his dad, Nakamura (obviously).
The wit, awareness, swift feet and guile had big Oz
whistling in admiration. He dominated the important
attacking spaces all first half and can pick a telling
pass in a blink. Quite a debut.
ABADASS - 5.5/10
Another stuttering display, as volatile as the Bitcoin
price, he'll dazzle then despair with a final ball from
the Sebo school of subtlety. Still, created a new world
record for hitting a post three times in a second -
twice with the ball then his shin.
LORD KATSUMOTO - 7/10
His conditioning as a samurai warlord in feudal Japan
leading the 1877 Satsuma Rebellion (a war over the
correct terminology for wee tangerines you get at the
bottom of xmas stockings), just 11 years before Celtic
came into existence, was perfect for his Paradise debut.
Would it be a Robbie Keane or a Jorge Cadette debut?
Three minutes is all a Samurai needs to slay his
opponents. Found the open space and dispatched a smart
clip from Oz with dashing ruthlessness.
Thereafter we got glimpses of the turn of pace and
committment he'll bring, as their defence got spooked
into frantic scrambling to stay in the game.
JAMESY - 6/10
A quiet one for Jamesy; there and not there - when
he's usually now you see it, now you don't.
Floated around, injecting pace intermittently and
threatening to burst into life.
Had we required so, we may have seen more of him in
the second period but excitement was at a premium
and Jamesy stayed tucked inside. Sorry, ladies.
And his football was subdued too.
SUBS:
TAMAGOTCHI - N/A
We got one! Now remember to feed and water him and
don't let his charge run out. Then we get more
promising entrances to the games like this; tidy,
focussed and competitive.
NOTEBOOK - N/A
He's back! Glammed-on to a roar of welcome, sporting
his experimental new look which is a Beckham/Michael
fusion concept from the Paris runways. Then fluffed a
free-kick as he eyed glory.
SON OF JACKIE - 6/10
Five months! Five months it's taken Son Of Jackie to
work through the daughters of Dad Jackie's conquests.
Now, drained, he's ready to fully commit to the football
and showed up tonight as a good strong presence with
useful stick and alert passing.
MIKEY J - N/A
A surprise for the enigmatic Mikey as he gets chosen
from our pool of 50 wide players for another chance at
proving himself before we sign another ten wingers,
including Hibs' one.
ANITA DOBSON - 8/10
Back in the groove, mayte. Tooled up with Kamikazes and
seeking more despite being knocked back by Tits McGee,
here was a test for his recruitment strategy. Would he
have the faith in his picks to throw them in against a
tricky Hibs side, now managed by former Boston Redsocks
fictional relief pitcher Sam Malone?
Yes, Ange did, and yes, Ange was vindicated. This was
the ideal restart he wanted and now he can kick-on and
kick down boardroom doors in pursuit of further delights
for the next fortnight as we open the popcorn and look
on at this dynamic rebuild with barely-restrained
anticipation.
MIBBERY - 2/10
Poor Gollum, forced to award a handball pen against
all his New Year resolutions, held himself mostly in
check until his racism shot its bolt on the 40th minute
when he refused to give us a foul for blatant high
feet against Daizen "'Cos Japs are wee..."
Then again his bitter cup of jingoism spilleth over
as Rogic gets a card for being "too big and Australian".
Sat forlorn his dressing room after the match being
comforted by the far side linesgoon - who conjoured
an offside out of thin air when Abadass clattered the
post - greetin' "There was nothin' I could do. Nothin'.
They're too good now...God help Her Majesty's First
Eleven..."
To which the upset linesgoon nodded and blurted a
sobbed, "Marm..."
OVERALL - 7.5/10
Well we got them. Tora and Tora started. Then the
other Tora joined the fray late on. It's code for
'lightning attack' and, man, did we also get that.
Blistering would be the way to describe how the Hoops
launched themselves into the winner-takes-all title
run-in, eyeing up the grand prize and the CL place
with the bloodlust of a hungry grizzly just out of
hibernation.
And, aside, talking of grizzlies - I hope Dominik
Diamond hasn't become lunch to one of them over in
Canaydia as it's recently 30 years since a sneering
Celtic supporter introduced a generation of English
gentlefolks' sensitive weans to sardonic, knowing wit
on the first-ever episode of Gamesmaster. Marvellous.
This game was done by half-time, if not the half hour
a show ran. Anxiety's always there with our Wacky Races
defensive capabilities but the team saw out a fine win
with assured confidence and preserved vital energies.
So now we get after it with relish, eyes on the prize.
Hadn't even looked beyond this important fixture, but
someone told me we're playing a death or glory tie
against Allah or something next. And I'm not going to
start any cracks about that. Just hope we get radical
on them.
Welcome home, Hoops.
Go Away Now.
Sandman.
"Slaying dragons is a Western concept. In the East, they are sacred.
Divine creatures who brought wisdom, strength, even redemption."
Dr.Chen, Kaiju O Gojira
ROXIE - 6/10
Big Joe, as we've come to expect, does what all top-class keepers
do and turns up in the crucial moments. His tonight mid 2nd-half
with velcro gloves to thwart Hibs big chance; vastly under-rated
goaltending, kids, as it required perfect reading of the game and
anticipation to not only intercept a fizzing cutback but hold it
to avoid spillage for a tap-in. Aplomb is his middle name.
JURAN JURAN - 6.5/10
Nice pen, dispatched like Steve McQueen. Always good to have a
confident taker keen on a little glory. Juran exudes that right
now, playing with determination that has him involved back to
front. Sort of player who drives others onto title wins.
STAR LORD - 7/10
Well, the thought of scatterbrained Star Lord up against Hibs
speedy attack, who like to punish you in behind, was enough for
a mouthful of calcium powder and teeth ground to stumps.
But he prevailed. On his toes, keen to get first to every
forward ball. Had Get Carter watching on bemused as Star Lord
played Stars-in-your-eyes Mark Reiper and won all that came at
him with vigour.
Flustered only when romping out of his comfort zone and range
of his invisible friend. But even the startled racoon will
admit he actually looked a player for lengthy spells of the
match.
GET CARTER - 6/10
Tied up with their rangy centre, Nisbett. Has smacked enough
young ponces like him around at the nightclub doors to know
their lip will soon stop after initial mouthing-off.
So it was as we recovered from early scares which saw him
stretched and chasing shadows. Remained tough and ready for
a scrap as ever, offering short change for rest of the game.
GREGGS THE BAKER - 6/10
Industry as expected. Always busy, Greggs, but unlike
the shops he rarely runs out of stock. Touch was off
a little but he'll make amend for clumsiness with workrate
and steel. Don't underestimate his energy to cope with Hibs'
fiery forward line.
CALMAC - 7/10
A performance of underrated excellence not seen since
Laurence Olivier died backstage during Hamlet and Barney
the midget court jester filleted the corpse, climbed
inside like Han Solo in The Empire Strikes Back, took
to the stage, and with stunning oratory, completed the
final act to wild applause.
Calmac is simply our processor, like the one in the
device you're reading these words on, continually
running in the Celtic background, the CPU holding the
entire system together, facilitating everything.
ROGIC - 7.5/10
Babysitting Djockovic kept Oz busy all the break and
we wondered if he could reproduce the scintillating,
cultured socceroo style in this vital second half of
the season.
Well, he's off to a start of touch and charm that
takes the breath away. Nobody will benefit more from
the additions to the team than Oz, now with multiple
fleet-footed, fast of thought comrades around him
offering themselves to his footballing instincts.
Tonight, he tormented Hibs as ever, might have scored,
made sure we did.
HAKUNA HATATE - 8/10 MOTM
No worries indeed from the laid-back, swaggering
exponent of the kind of beautiful Far East footballing
nous we last saw from his dad, Nakamura (obviously).
The wit, awareness, swift feet and guile had big Oz
whistling in admiration. He dominated the important
attacking spaces all first half and can pick a telling
pass in a blink. Quite a debut.
ABADASS - 5.5/10
Another stuttering display, as volatile as the Bitcoin
price, he'll dazzle then despair with a final ball from
the Sebo school of subtlety. Still, created a new world
record for hitting a post three times in a second -
twice with the ball then his shin.
LORD KATSUMOTO - 7/10
His conditioning as a samurai warlord in feudal Japan
leading the 1877 Satsuma Rebellion (a war over the
correct terminology for wee tangerines you get at the
bottom of xmas stockings), just 11 years before Celtic
came into existence, was perfect for his Paradise debut.
Would it be a Robbie Keane or a Jorge Cadette debut?
Three minutes is all a Samurai needs to slay his
opponents. Found the open space and dispatched a smart
clip from Oz with dashing ruthlessness.
Thereafter we got glimpses of the turn of pace and
committment he'll bring, as their defence got spooked
into frantic scrambling to stay in the game.
JAMESY - 6/10
A quiet one for Jamesy; there and not there - when
he's usually now you see it, now you don't.
Floated around, injecting pace intermittently and
threatening to burst into life.
Had we required so, we may have seen more of him in
the second period but excitement was at a premium
and Jamesy stayed tucked inside. Sorry, ladies.
And his football was subdued too.
SUBS:
TAMAGOTCHI - N/A
We got one! Now remember to feed and water him and
don't let his charge run out. Then we get more
promising entrances to the games like this; tidy,
focussed and competitive.
NOTEBOOK - N/A
He's back! Glammed-on to a roar of welcome, sporting
his experimental new look which is a Beckham/Michael
fusion concept from the Paris runways. Then fluffed a
free-kick as he eyed glory.
SON OF JACKIE - 6/10
Five months! Five months it's taken Son Of Jackie to
work through the daughters of Dad Jackie's conquests.
Now, drained, he's ready to fully commit to the football
and showed up tonight as a good strong presence with
useful stick and alert passing.
MIKEY J - N/A
A surprise for the enigmatic Mikey as he gets chosen
from our pool of 50 wide players for another chance at
proving himself before we sign another ten wingers,
including Hibs' one.
ANITA DOBSON - 8/10
Back in the groove, mayte. Tooled up with Kamikazes and
seeking more despite being knocked back by Tits McGee,
here was a test for his recruitment strategy. Would he
have the faith in his picks to throw them in against a
tricky Hibs side, now managed by former Boston Redsocks
fictional relief pitcher Sam Malone?
Yes, Ange did, and yes, Ange was vindicated. This was
the ideal restart he wanted and now he can kick-on and
kick down boardroom doors in pursuit of further delights
for the next fortnight as we open the popcorn and look
on at this dynamic rebuild with barely-restrained
anticipation.
MIBBERY - 2/10
Poor Gollum, forced to award a handball pen against
all his New Year resolutions, held himself mostly in
check until his racism shot its bolt on the 40th minute
when he refused to give us a foul for blatant high
feet against Daizen "'Cos Japs are wee..."
Then again his bitter cup of jingoism spilleth over
as Rogic gets a card for being "too big and Australian".
Sat forlorn his dressing room after the match being
comforted by the far side linesgoon - who conjoured
an offside out of thin air when Abadass clattered the
post - greetin' "There was nothin' I could do. Nothin'.
They're too good now...God help Her Majesty's First
Eleven..."
To which the upset linesgoon nodded and blurted a
sobbed, "Marm..."
OVERALL - 7.5/10
Well we got them. Tora and Tora started. Then the
other Tora joined the fray late on. It's code for
'lightning attack' and, man, did we also get that.
Blistering would be the way to describe how the Hoops
launched themselves into the winner-takes-all title
run-in, eyeing up the grand prize and the CL place
with the bloodlust of a hungry grizzly just out of
hibernation.
And, aside, talking of grizzlies - I hope Dominik
Diamond hasn't become lunch to one of them over in
Canaydia as it's recently 30 years since a sneering
Celtic supporter introduced a generation of English
gentlefolks' sensitive weans to sardonic, knowing wit
on the first-ever episode of Gamesmaster. Marvellous.
This game was done by half-time, if not the half hour
a show ran. Anxiety's always there with our Wacky Races
defensive capabilities but the team saw out a fine win
with assured confidence and preserved vital energies.
So now we get after it with relish, eyes on the prize.
Hadn't even looked beyond this important fixture, but
someone told me we're playing a death or glory tie
against Allah or something next. And I'm not going to
start any cracks about that. Just hope we get radical
on them.
Welcome home, Hoops.
Go Away Now.
Sandman.
Last edited:
Slàinte
well done and thanks 
