K
kelly
Guest
Don't
just use the craig whyte defence ,,,''nah a cannie remember '' cant do you for that
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We can all use a laugh
- Thread starter DILLIGAF
- Start date
just use the craig whyte defence ,,,''nah a cannie remember '' cant do you for that
tictastic
Well-known member
A young man went to confession crying, and told the priest,
“Forgive me father for I have sinned”.
“What have you done?” asked the priest.
“A few weeks ago I went to the library. I remained there until closing time and when I was about to go home, rain started pouring down. It was so intense I had to wait in the library. I had waited for a while with the librarian, a young attractive single girl, then one thing led to another, and I ended up sleeping with her”. The man stopped talking but kept weeping.
“Well don’t cry, it’s a sin but it is not that bad. You should say 5 Hail Marys and it will be forgiven”. Said the priest.
“But it doesn't end there” the man kept sobbing. “a few days later my elderly neighbor asked me to help her with her computer. Her husband was hospitalized and she couldn't send an email to her son. I went there and fixed the problem, but when I was about to leave, rain started pouring down. It was really stormy and I had to wait. One thing led to another and I ended up sleeping with the old lady” the man cried.
“Oh dear well that makes it harder indeed, but still - you should say 15 Hail Marys and you will be forgiven” Said the priest.
“Oh I’m afraid the worst part is still ahead” cried the man. “Yesterday I went to the barber. I was his last client that day. As soon as he finished and was about to close the shop rain started pouring down so intensely, I had to wait with him. One thing led to another and I ended up sleeping with him as well” the man cried.
“Oh dear, it is indeed worse than I thought” said the priest.
“So what should I do father?” the man asked.
“Well” answered the priest, “the first thing is you should get the fuck out of here before it starts raining!”.
“Forgive me father for I have sinned”.
“What have you done?” asked the priest.
“A few weeks ago I went to the library. I remained there until closing time and when I was about to go home, rain started pouring down. It was so intense I had to wait in the library. I had waited for a while with the librarian, a young attractive single girl, then one thing led to another, and I ended up sleeping with her”. The man stopped talking but kept weeping.
“Well don’t cry, it’s a sin but it is not that bad. You should say 5 Hail Marys and it will be forgiven”. Said the priest.
“But it doesn't end there” the man kept sobbing. “a few days later my elderly neighbor asked me to help her with her computer. Her husband was hospitalized and she couldn't send an email to her son. I went there and fixed the problem, but when I was about to leave, rain started pouring down. It was really stormy and I had to wait. One thing led to another and I ended up sleeping with the old lady” the man cried.
“Oh dear well that makes it harder indeed, but still - you should say 15 Hail Marys and you will be forgiven” Said the priest.
“Oh I’m afraid the worst part is still ahead” cried the man. “Yesterday I went to the barber. I was his last client that day. As soon as he finished and was about to close the shop rain started pouring down so intensely, I had to wait with him. One thing led to another and I ended up sleeping with him as well” the man cried.
“Oh dear, it is indeed worse than I thought” said the priest.
“So what should I do father?” the man asked.
“Well” answered the priest, “the first thing is you should get the fuck out of here before it starts raining!”.
C
CelticRose
Guest
Absolutely brilliant. Do you know how much that cheered me up and made me laugh out loud when I never thought I would crack a smile ever again. I’ve had a shit day in the capital city in clothes that were more suitable for a winters day. Then tried to get lunch in TJI fridays’s without booking first and had to leave with my empty stomach. Then to cap it all seen a pub with one outside table for four free but a single man in front got to it first argh. I was moaning like nothing on earth to my grandson. My feet were louping (arthritis in my big toe) all too much on the cobbled streets of this capital city and suffocating behind this blasted mask I was so glad to get home and put my weary feet up and read this and made my day so lol.
tictastic
Well-known member
Well you`ve made my day with that post Rose. cheers!!
Are UFOs Billionaires fae other Planets?
The Deadner
Well-known member
Ffs we're living on a big snooker table under a big glass dome with no bendy water.
Thought it was supposed to be the red hand not the pink ,that's going to hurt in the morning when he gets in the shower (forgot their aversion to water)
"I don't care we bought one of these Amazon bargain boxes so you'll wear the fuckin shoes"
DILLIGAF
Well-known member
Alex Rae, Kris Boyd and the rest, have the clown shoe version
DILLIGAF
Well-known member
Billy Connolly's Chain Letter:
Hello, my name is Billy and I suffer from guilt for not forwarding 50 billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe, if you send them on, a poor six-year-old girl in Scotland with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a travelling freak show.
And, do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give $1000 to you, and everyone to whom you send 'his' email?
How stupid are we?
Ooooh, lookee here...! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by a supermodel I just happen to run into the next day!
What a bunch of bullshit.
Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and kill me in my sleep for not continuing a chain letter that was started by St Peter in 5AD and brought to this country by midget pilgrim stowaways on the Endeavour.
Fuck 'em!!
If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing.
I've seen all the 'send this to 10 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being' forwards about 90 times. I don't fucking care.
Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it's our own unpopularity.
The point being?
If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it.
If it's funny, send it on.
Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to the arse of a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this email.
Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals.
Have a nice day.
Billy Connolly
PS Send me 15 bucks and then fuck off.
Hello, my name is Billy and I suffer from guilt for not forwarding 50 billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe, if you send them on, a poor six-year-old girl in Scotland with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a travelling freak show.
And, do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give $1000 to you, and everyone to whom you send 'his' email?
How stupid are we?
Ooooh, lookee here...! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by a supermodel I just happen to run into the next day!
What a bunch of bullshit.
Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and kill me in my sleep for not continuing a chain letter that was started by St Peter in 5AD and brought to this country by midget pilgrim stowaways on the Endeavour.
Fuck 'em!!
If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing.
I've seen all the 'send this to 10 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being' forwards about 90 times. I don't fucking care.
Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it's our own unpopularity.
The point being?
If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it.
If it's funny, send it on.
Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to the arse of a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this email.
Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals.
Have a nice day.
Billy Connolly
PS Send me 15 bucks and then fuck off.
Bellshill bhoy
Well-known member
A man was speeding along the road in a van, doing well over 100, until he was pulled over by a police car. "Sir, do you know how fast you were going? Let me see your license" The man responded "Officer, I don't have a license"
"What?? Where is the paperwork for this van?""I don't have any paperwork, this is a stolen van. I was making a drug run when you stopped me."
The officer immediately pulled the man out of the van, handcuffed him, and put him in the back of his police car before calling for backup.>
10 minutes later, there were several police cars on the scene, including the officers supervisor and a drug sniffing dog.
The supervisor pulled the man out of the back of the police car to interview him.
"So let me get this straight, you don't have a drivers license or paperwork for this van?"
"Of course I do. My license is in my wallet in my back pocket. The paperwork for the van is in the glove compartment."
The supervisor, confused, sees that everything is in order just as the man said, and also discovers at that point that there are absolutely no drugs in the van.
"The officer that pulled you over said you had no license, no paperwork, and you were driving a stolen van full of drugs. What's going on here?"
The man, feigning surprise, looked at the supervisor and said,
"I bet that lying bastard also said I was speeding!"
One for the older generation , I suppose the youngsters can always Google the names
Frank Sinatra goes to Rome for an audience with the Pope ,so gets all dressed up and his wife gives him a lovely scarf to wear "thats my favourite scarf I got it from my late mum " when he gets there the pope chats away to Frank and says "before you leave can I have a wee gift from my favourite singer" , "no problem" says Frank "what do you want? I'd like your scarf ,sorry no can do says Frank that's the sash Mia Farrow wore .
Frank Sinatra goes to Rome for an audience with the Pope ,so gets all dressed up and his wife gives him a lovely scarf to wear "thats my favourite scarf I got it from my late mum " when he gets there the pope chats away to Frank and says "before you leave can I have a wee gift from my favourite singer" , "no problem" says Frank "what do you want? I'd like your scarf ,sorry no can do says Frank that's the sash Mia Farrow wore .
tictastic
Well-known member
A nice old lady on a bus offers the bus driver some peanuts, the driver happily eats them. Every five minutes the old lady hands the driver a handful of nuts, eventually he asks:
“Why don’t you eat them yourself?” To which the old lady replies
“I don’t have any teeth, look” So the driver looking confused then asks “So why do you buy them then?”
The old lady gives a nice smile and responds “I just enjoy the chocolate coating around them”
“Why don’t you eat them yourself?” To which the old lady replies
“I don’t have any teeth, look” So the driver looking confused then asks “So why do you buy them then?”
The old lady gives a nice smile and responds “I just enjoy the chocolate coating around them”
tictastic
Well-known member
A man and a woman are sitting next to each other at a bar, both getting drunk...
The man turns to the woman and asks her why she's so down.
"My husband just left me. He said I'm too kinky in bed," she replied.
"What a coincidence! My wife just left me," said the man. "She told me that I was too kinky for her, too!"
The two talk a little while longer, and finding that they have so much in common they decide to go back to the woman's house to have kinky sex.
When they get to her house she turns to the man and says, "Give me ten minutes, I want to slip into something more comfortable." She goes into the bathroom and changes into a full leather, jet black dominatrix outfit.
However, as she's coming out of her bathroom, the man is putting on his coat and walking out the door.
"What happened?", she said. "I thought you wanted to have kinky sex?"
He looks at her and says, "Well, I just screwed your dog and shit in your purse. I'm done."
The man turns to the woman and asks her why she's so down.
"My husband just left me. He said I'm too kinky in bed," she replied.
"What a coincidence! My wife just left me," said the man. "She told me that I was too kinky for her, too!"
The two talk a little while longer, and finding that they have so much in common they decide to go back to the woman's house to have kinky sex.
When they get to her house she turns to the man and says, "Give me ten minutes, I want to slip into something more comfortable." She goes into the bathroom and changes into a full leather, jet black dominatrix outfit.
However, as she's coming out of her bathroom, the man is putting on his coat and walking out the door.
"What happened?", she said. "I thought you wanted to have kinky sex?"
He looks at her and says, "Well, I just screwed your dog and shit in your purse. I'm done."
DILLIGAF
Well-known member
That second girl crashes down hard on the pool deck and her phone in her right hand 'goes for a walk', I think she's a bit stunned then realizes her communication device (her lifeline to earth) has gone under
Serves her right
And the kid trying to split the orange with the sword, he'd be getting a water boarding for being a fucking idiot
But, that's just me
