off topic, This is true, Dire Straits sort of.

Millsy said:
Man suspects his wife of infidelity . Comes home one night unexpectedly - rushes up to the bedroom hoping to catch her in flagrante . However she is alone but is wearing sexy lingerie which he has never seen before .
In a fit of rage and frustration he throws her out of the window , then trashes the room , finally throwing the wardrobe out of the window too . Realising what he has done he throws himself out of the window and dies .
Moments later at the gates of heaven the man is there with his wife and another man :
St Peter asks the wife what happened - she explained about her husband's jealousy , then the husband confirms this . St Peter finally turns to the stranger . ''Why are you here ? ''
''Well '' says the man '' I was minding my own business standing in a wardrobe when ....''
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Ah you can't beat the oldies HH?
 
BILLCOWIE1958 said:
Ah you can't beat the oldies HH?
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A middle aged couple were involved in an RTA and as a result both died

They find themselves on an escalator heading up to the Pearly Gates

On an escalator travelling the opposite direction they meet a couple who tell them that they had been refused entry to Heaven because the woman's name was Penny and it was judged that the couple had been greedy and showed avarice on the Earth plane

Further on they met a couple also heading down
They explained that the woman's name was Sherry and it was deemed that they were overly fond of drink on the Earth Plane so they had also been denied entry to Heaven

On hearing this the man of the original couple turned to his wife and said 'come on Fanny let's not bother we've nae fuckin' chance'

HH?
 
An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.
He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?" The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant."
The soldier didn"t say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your automobiles on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
 
When I was a young ankle biter many moons ago there was a guy fae Govan whose nickname was Dickinson Dug Shagger on account of him being caught in the Elderpark having intimate relations with a promiscuous canine.
So he's in the dock and being questioned by the PF. The judge interrupts, peers over the rims of his glasses and says to Dickinson, " Was the animal in question a dog or a bitch ? "
To which he replied " Hey, it wis a bitch your honour. Do ye think ahm a poof or sumthin ?"
 
Brimcbhoy said:
So Mark Knopfler has been interviewed recently.
Asked what he'd been up to for the last few years.
He said he's been all over the world. Actually played a private gig for a member of the Saudi Royal family for a million quid.
They put him up in the royal palace.
In his room was a painting by Monet. He was blown away and admired it. Saudi prince said, do you like it? Its yours.
He then said, it happens all the time. My local chippy has never charged me for anything since ive been going in there.
So the interviewer said,
So you get your Monet for nothing, and your chips for free?
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That's rock stars for brimcbhoy. In fact that reminds me of that time I was at a U2 concert and Bono fell aff the stage.
He was standing too close to the Edge.
 
our lord was on the cross calling for peter "peter, peter" peter fought his way through the throngs got to jesus, and cried "yes lord whit is it" and he lord said "peter, ah can see your hoose fae here!" (few hail mary's comin ma way ah think!)
 
tictastic said:
An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.
He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?" The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant."
The soldier didn"t say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your automobiles on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."[/QUO,,

??????

HH?
Click to expand...
 
John Hughes said:
When I was a young ankle biter many moons ago there was a guy fae Govan whose nickname was Dickinson Dug Shagger on account of him being caught in the Elderpark having intimate relations with a promiscuous canine.
So he's in the dock and being questioned by the PF. The judge interrupts, peers over the rims of his glasses and says to Dickinson, " Was the animal in question a dog or a bitch ? "
To which he replied " Hey, it wis a bitch your honour. Do ye think ahm a poof or sumthin ?"
Click to expand...
Did you hear what his sentence was though.

He got 6 months and pick of the litter
 
Went to my works night out last week but wasnt planning on drinking so i took the car. Got there and decided to have a few so i left the car and took the bus home.

Really proud of myself

Didnt know i could drive a bus
 
A girl sneezed in the pub and her glass eye flew out and landed in my hand. I took it back to her and we got chatting

After a few drinks took her up the road and shagged her

Wondering if she was a bit of a slapper i asked her " Do you shag everyone on a first date"

She said " no just the ones that catch my eye"
 
On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers.

He tells them at what altitude they'll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.

Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, 'What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob.'

All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says 'Don't forget the coffee!'
 
Little Red Riding Hood is strolling through the forest. She sees an oak tree with a bushy tail sticking out. So she shouts " big bad wolf I know it's you. Come out " The wolf comes oot, glares at her and runs away.
She skips merrily on her way and comes upon a large boulder and sees a large snout sticking out. She shouts " big bad wolf I know it's you. Come out ". Big Wolf comes oot, shakes his head and runs away.
Once again she skips on happily through the forest until she sees a large bush with large fangs sticking out. She shouts " big bad wolf I know it's you. Come out "
The wolf comes out and says " who the fuck are you anyway ? " . She replies " I'm Little Red Riding Hood and I'm going to see my Grandma ".
Wolf says " well gonnae stop following me. Ahm bursting for a Shite "
 
I remember the first time I went to a casino. The Chevalier on Hope St. As you can probably guess as a daft 18/19 year old i lost most of my dough.
Walked out of casino with enough for a pint but not enough for a taxi hame. Passing the Waterloo bar i thought " Fuck it . I'll go for a last pint ."
So I order a pint of heavy, totally unaware that I'm in a gay bar, and start wondering how the fuck I'm getting back across the Clyde to the south side of Glasgow.
Suddenly I have a bright idea. I ask the guy next to me, who is drinking a campari and soda, " Excuse me mate. Do you know where the Govan Ferry is ? " He replied " You're talking to him gorgeous xx "
Just walked home. Quickly
 
Old shiter but here goes
Bhoy fires down to the pet shop. Fancies getting an intelligent bird so he has his eye on a parrot. He's thinking
"Nae holidays, nae they have done that we need this" solid plan
Gets an old grey the keeper says "aye it's a good bird" so he takes it home
The wee fucker is a bastart. Tears up the furniture, shits where it likes and shouts abuse at everyone and anyone that's in its company.
The bhoy tries his best training, better feed, everthing he can do. That cunt of a bird keeps shouting the odds bamming up his mates and family at every occasion.
The patient man that he his breaks. Grabs the parrot and throws it in the freezer.
There is about 20s of thrashing, swearing and abuse then nothing coming from the muffled refrigerated box.
He gives it 5mins and still no sound and the guilt kicks in.
Throws open the door and offers his hand.
The chilly parrot walks along and looks up at him and talks in perfect English.
" sorry big man, we got off on the wrong foot nae hard feelings. What did the chicken do to fuck you off?"
 
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