off topic, This is true, Dire Straits sort of.

[Maria]

Somebodies been at the crackers early.

Keep the day jobs bhoys ??

 

[Noah Billy]

Wiz at the doctors today. He says " say aaah", Ah says "how?" He says " coz ma dugs deid"

 

[Noah Billy]

Saw a Japanese guy in a bereau de change yesterday. He got 80 yen for a hundred quid. He was in the day and got 70 yen for 100 quid. He said "yesterday 80 yen today 70 yen" the guy says "fluctuations" and the Japanese guy says "fluck you English cunts n aw"

 

[IanDowiesSashRingtone]

Two cannibals eating a clown, one says to the other, "does this taste funny to you?"

?

 

[1888]

Saw two pall bearers walking round the graveyard carrying a coffin, an hour later they were still at it, i thought to myself "they have lost the plot"

 

[1888]

Saw an AA man sitting in his van crying, i thought to myself "hes having a breakdown"

 

[BILLCOWIE1958]

Not a tall tail....but a true one. My missus is Czech and a lovely aethiest. One Sunday she decided she would like to see the inside of a Catholic church for the first time. She heard the line "To gaze upon thy face" from the famous hymn, but thought she heard.... two gays upon thy face.

Absolutely wonderful

Like Dave Allen told the story When he was 6 years old he went to a funeral and afterwards the internment

Every time afterwards for years when he blessed himself he'd say

'In the name of the Father and of the Son and into the hole he goes Ameri

HH?'

 

[BILLCOWIE1958]

Saw an AA man sitting in his van crying, i thought to myself "hes having a breakdown"

???
I saw an RAC man do the same!!

How weird is that?

HH?

 

[Millsy]

Binmen arrive during Christmas week at big posh house hoping for wee tip . Stunning young women opens door .
''You'll be after your Christmas bonus , then . Well come up to the bedroom one at a time ,'' she says to the gobsmacked binmen .
Three guys go up one after the other and receive a very nice 'present' . Then it's the driver's turn and he bounds up the stairs only to be faced with the young lady , fully dressed and handing him a five pound note .
''What's this ?'' splutters the unhappy driver .''What's going on ? ''

''Well , '' says the lady '' ''I told my husband that the bin men would be looking for something for
Christmas. Give the driver a fiver he said , f*ck the rest ''.

 

[Nick66]

A man walks into a bar.
OUCH! He says.
It was an iron bar.

 

[michael duffy]

A man walks into a bar.
OUCH! He says.
It was an iron bar.

!

 

[michael duffy]

guy goes tae the doctors says" doctor ah think ah'm a pair of curtains"
doctor says pull yersel the gither!!!! aye awright

 

[michael duffy]

guy wakens up in his hospital bed " doctor ah cannae feel ma legs!!!"
doctor said "yer legs are fine, it's yer arms we amputated"!!!

 

[michael duffy]

lassie goes tae the doctor says" every part of me hurts when ah touch it,ma heid, ma face ma chest, ma legs every where"
doctor says ye've got a broken finger!!!! does anybody think ah've got a future in comedy!!!!! be honest noo!

 

[Wee Fergus's Bunnet]

Wee Celtic supporter coming home from the game - fans all around singing ''8 in a row , 8 in a row ''. A moment later gets hit by a bus - ends up in a coma in the Royal .
Finally wakes up - hears singing coming up from the street -'' 19 in a row , 19 in a row ''.

 

[michael duffy]

guy waken's up in hospital says "how am ah doin doc"
doctor says "d'ye want the good news or the bad news"
"aw phuq it doc gie me the good news"
o.k says the doc,"we're gonny name a disease efter ye!

 

[BILLCOWIE1958]

Binmen arrive during Christmas week at big posh house hoping for wee tip . Stunning young women opens door .
''You'll be after your Christmas bonus , then . Well come up to the bedroom one at a time ,'' she says to the gobsmacked binmen .
Three guys go up one after the other and receive a very nice 'present' . Then it's the driver's turn and he bounds up the stairs only to be faced with the young lady , fully dressed and handing him a five pound note .
''What's this ?'' splutters the unhappy driver .''What's going on ? ''

''Well , '' says the lady '' ''I told my husband that the bin men would be looking for something for
Christmas. Give the driver a fiver he said and f*ck the rest ''.

Is that true?

HH?

 

[Millsy]

Is that true?

HH?

I was that binman !!!

 

[BILLCOWIE1958]

I was that binman !!!

?????

 

[Millsy]

Man suspects his wife of infidelity . Comes home one night unexpectedly - rushes up to the bedroom hoping to catch her in flagrante . However she is alone but is wearing sexy lingerie which he has never seen before .
In a fit of rage and frustration he throws her out of the window , then trashes the room , finally throwing the wardrobe out of the window too . Realising what he has done he throws himself out of the window and dies .
Moments later at the gates of heaven the man is there with his wife and another man :
St Peter asks the wife what happened - she explained about her husband's jealousy , then the husband confirms this . St Peter finally turns to the stranger . ''Why are you here ? ''
''Well '' says the man '' I was minding my own business standing in a wardrobe when ....''