Sandman
Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ AZ ALCATRAZ
"With regards the Covid situation among the numerous
infected players and staff at Mordor, our investigation
has uncovered only a mumbled two-word explanation from
Captain Tav, that being, 'Daisy Chain...'."
NHS Chief Medical Examiner
ROXIE - 6.5/10
What's a gal to do? #1 - Well, launch it into the
stratosphere along with the forward, may be the
first correct answer. But Roxie hesitated, wary of
a wipe-out and a red card, lost the crucial challenge
and looked on deflated like the guy who forgot the
condom at Mrs. Morelos' houseparty.
However... Top-class stops kept the Bhoys alive,
and solid keeping thereafter made for a layer of
steel behind the porous clay wall in front of him.
And at the final whistle? A man desperate to win
with Celtic, witness that intensity.
GREGGS THE BAKER - N/A
Supply chain problems are dogging his shops, and
shoulder ligament problems infuriated the multiple
baying porn-aficionados packing the stands.
Unfair to rate hime after injury misfortune, but he
was suspiciously absent as his winger drifted in to
score their first...
STAR LORD (Rafael Duffy) - 5/10
He just needs some love! Well, Old Yeller got shown
a lot of love with a shotgun to the heid. And after
20 minutes I was telling the kids it was about time
we packed Star Lord off to the farm as well.
Guardian Of The Galaxy? Couldn't guard a piggy bank
with an AK47. Yet...
Back in the day, in the Ayrshire Sunday Amateur
Bloodbath, such ridiculous calamity was met with a
half-time counselling session by kitman Big Cid
('Seed'), who would convey the team's collective
disappointment with a punch in the face.
I hope it was Big Ange who delivered the message
tonight, as Star Lord put in an admirable second-half
with backs to the wall and everything on the line.
But, still, Jesus wept...
RAQUEL (Shane Scheidt) - 6/10
What's a gal to do? #2 Well, don't stop, just follow
on and clear it. Also, be fucking aware of players
blind-side chasing down long balls. But no, and here
we go for an evening of stress not known since John
Carpenter released Halloween upon an unsuspecting
populous.
Then came the defensive revolution in the second 45
and Raquel didn't put a beautiful foot wrong. Take
that clarity into the weekend.
TONY THE TIGER - 6/10
Roasted Tiger, anyone? A tortuous night up against
their best player. And the reinstated Swedish winger
lit a fire in the long grass to flush Tony out.
To Tony's credit he stuck to task, refused to buckle,
and despite being tossed about like a sex-dwarf, was
dogging it out until the end as well as any Gleniffer
Braes thrill-seeking MILF.
CALMAC - 7/10
Like a boss. Isolated in the engine room thanks to
shiftless others, the skipper's 90 was a battle of
wits and touch as he was swamped time and time again
with little outlet offered. Took a booking, but never
absent from duty; got the bhoys through by sheer
Broony-will.
ROGIC - 6.5/10
Some inspiring moments and dilligent application
from Oz in the face of powerful opponents atuned
to close him down at every opportunity.
Wasn't happy to see him hooked as he looked capable
of exploiting late spaces in the game.
CORPUS CHRISTIE - 6/10
Energy, energy, energy - wherefore art thou fae
last season, shyster? This rejuvenated Son Of Man
certainly put in a shift, if not gilded with
any quality as he over-ran the ball or mistimed
a pass. Off-key but still involved to cover the
mysterious absence of others...
EDDIE TURNBULL - 3/10
From MOTM Saturday to MIA Thursday's biggie.
I've pointed it out before - he needs to impose
himself on the big games if he wants to utilise
that gift to become a bigtime player.
Instead, tonight he hung around the periphery
of the match, causing our midfield to be
overwhelmed and outnumbered, pressed-high and
unable to play forward as we toiled a man down
and with no time to pick a pass. His role was
crucial to forward link-ups and, as he floated
ineffectively, we suffered massively.
ABADASS - 6/10
Great set-up for the opener then tragically
ignored by his team-mates as our major threat
hung around the right wing with his arm in the
air while we blundered into blind alleys down
the left.
MR KOBAYASHI - 7.5/10 MOTM
Took that opener, and winner, well on the bobble,
rapped it down to bounce up into the net; Then
bounced around their big beefy defenders like a
game Kamikaze, taking it and giving it and running
that clock down.
But for last-ditch interceptions he may have
scored more and killed the tie. As long as he's
not picked up any knocks, it might be Sushi Sunday
this weekend...
SUBS:
FRENCH EDDY - 5.5/10
Placed right down the middle to occupy them for the
last 30 minutes, did almost enough - nearly a sweet
killer ball into Koyogo - but still too off his known
hyper-electric running game to make a telling impact.
FIELD MARSHALL - 6.5/10
Here's a kid with a future. As Greggs' arm finally
withered and fell off, young Monty got a baptism of
fire away in Europe, and held the fort as well as any
more senior well-travelled operatives around him:
i.e he didn't fuck the ball into his own net like a
total spangle. Loved those sweets. Well done, kid.
MAN OF - N/A
Where were you when we needed you? Sat on the bench
for a half-hour too long, that's where...
ANITA DOBSON - 7.5/10
THE big tactical test/challenge. Approached like
any other - steak thrown on the barbie, tinny cracked,
fuck 'em, let's score goals.
That worked for about five minutes then our midfield
malfunctioned and their press had us playing one-twos
along our own byeline.
Add to that our defence showing the self-governing
comptence of the Afghan establishment, and we were
trussed-up on the slaughterhouse cart to fucktown.
Yet somehow, the team stuck to the Angeball insanity
and we prevailled agianst a very decent side, who'd
been excused their normal league duties last weekend
just to prepare for us.
So is the Athenian Fenian just Ronnie Deila with
bigger baws, or is there method in his madness?
Whatever, each coming game warrants beer and
popcorn. Thankfully, his next opponents are way
short of tonight's capabilities...
OVERALL - 7.5/10
Well... Phew. 'Mental As Anything' were an Aussie
band whose biggest hit has been murdered by the
illiterates all last season. This season, Big Ange
seems to be trying to keep the name alive with
face-melting approaches to the most tricky of ties.
Not any chin-stroking tonight - just go out and
score and see what they have in them to counter...
Well, they had our defence.
And then WE had our defence - so mysteriously
re-grouped and battling after half-time that
Arthur C. Clarke was spinning in his space-coffin.
So, somehow, we won through after two torrid ties
sponsored by the NBA. And we're in the group stages
among a respectable level of opponents with three
big home glamour ties to liven up the midweeks
through the coming autumn gloom.
Well done, the Hoops. Now, take it easy this weekend.
After the international break, we've got Ross Coonty
at home on the 11th and we don't want any slip-ups
like last season against them. I'd rest a few with
that one in mind...
Go Away Now.
Sandman. On the valium.
"With regards the Covid situation among the numerous
infected players and staff at Mordor, our investigation
has uncovered only a mumbled two-word explanation from
Captain Tav, that being, 'Daisy Chain...'."
NHS Chief Medical Examiner
ROXIE - 6.5/10
What's a gal to do? #1 - Well, launch it into the
stratosphere along with the forward, may be the
first correct answer. But Roxie hesitated, wary of
a wipe-out and a red card, lost the crucial challenge
and looked on deflated like the guy who forgot the
condom at Mrs. Morelos' houseparty.
However... Top-class stops kept the Bhoys alive,
and solid keeping thereafter made for a layer of
steel behind the porous clay wall in front of him.
And at the final whistle? A man desperate to win
with Celtic, witness that intensity.
GREGGS THE BAKER - N/A
Supply chain problems are dogging his shops, and
shoulder ligament problems infuriated the multiple
baying porn-aficionados packing the stands.
Unfair to rate hime after injury misfortune, but he
was suspiciously absent as his winger drifted in to
score their first...
STAR LORD (Rafael Duffy) - 5/10
He just needs some love! Well, Old Yeller got shown
a lot of love with a shotgun to the heid. And after
20 minutes I was telling the kids it was about time
we packed Star Lord off to the farm as well.
Guardian Of The Galaxy? Couldn't guard a piggy bank
with an AK47. Yet...
Back in the day, in the Ayrshire Sunday Amateur
Bloodbath, such ridiculous calamity was met with a
half-time counselling session by kitman Big Cid
('Seed'), who would convey the team's collective
disappointment with a punch in the face.
I hope it was Big Ange who delivered the message
tonight, as Star Lord put in an admirable second-half
with backs to the wall and everything on the line.
But, still, Jesus wept...
RAQUEL (Shane Scheidt) - 6/10
What's a gal to do? #2 Well, don't stop, just follow
on and clear it. Also, be fucking aware of players
blind-side chasing down long balls. But no, and here
we go for an evening of stress not known since John
Carpenter released Halloween upon an unsuspecting
populous.
Then came the defensive revolution in the second 45
and Raquel didn't put a beautiful foot wrong. Take
that clarity into the weekend.
TONY THE TIGER - 6/10
Roasted Tiger, anyone? A tortuous night up against
their best player. And the reinstated Swedish winger
lit a fire in the long grass to flush Tony out.
To Tony's credit he stuck to task, refused to buckle,
and despite being tossed about like a sex-dwarf, was
dogging it out until the end as well as any Gleniffer
Braes thrill-seeking MILF.
CALMAC - 7/10
Like a boss. Isolated in the engine room thanks to
shiftless others, the skipper's 90 was a battle of
wits and touch as he was swamped time and time again
with little outlet offered. Took a booking, but never
absent from duty; got the bhoys through by sheer
Broony-will.
ROGIC - 6.5/10
Some inspiring moments and dilligent application
from Oz in the face of powerful opponents atuned
to close him down at every opportunity.
Wasn't happy to see him hooked as he looked capable
of exploiting late spaces in the game.
CORPUS CHRISTIE - 6/10
Energy, energy, energy - wherefore art thou fae
last season, shyster? This rejuvenated Son Of Man
certainly put in a shift, if not gilded with
any quality as he over-ran the ball or mistimed
a pass. Off-key but still involved to cover the
mysterious absence of others...
EDDIE TURNBULL - 3/10
From MOTM Saturday to MIA Thursday's biggie.
I've pointed it out before - he needs to impose
himself on the big games if he wants to utilise
that gift to become a bigtime player.
Instead, tonight he hung around the periphery
of the match, causing our midfield to be
overwhelmed and outnumbered, pressed-high and
unable to play forward as we toiled a man down
and with no time to pick a pass. His role was
crucial to forward link-ups and, as he floated
ineffectively, we suffered massively.
ABADASS - 6/10
Great set-up for the opener then tragically
ignored by his team-mates as our major threat
hung around the right wing with his arm in the
air while we blundered into blind alleys down
the left.
MR KOBAYASHI - 7.5/10 MOTM
Took that opener, and winner, well on the bobble,
rapped it down to bounce up into the net; Then
bounced around their big beefy defenders like a
game Kamikaze, taking it and giving it and running
that clock down.
But for last-ditch interceptions he may have
scored more and killed the tie. As long as he's
not picked up any knocks, it might be Sushi Sunday
this weekend...
SUBS:
FRENCH EDDY - 5.5/10
Placed right down the middle to occupy them for the
last 30 minutes, did almost enough - nearly a sweet
killer ball into Koyogo - but still too off his known
hyper-electric running game to make a telling impact.
FIELD MARSHALL - 6.5/10
Here's a kid with a future. As Greggs' arm finally
withered and fell off, young Monty got a baptism of
fire away in Europe, and held the fort as well as any
more senior well-travelled operatives around him:
i.e he didn't fuck the ball into his own net like a
total spangle. Loved those sweets. Well done, kid.
MAN OF - N/A
Where were you when we needed you? Sat on the bench
for a half-hour too long, that's where...
ANITA DOBSON - 7.5/10
THE big tactical test/challenge. Approached like
any other - steak thrown on the barbie, tinny cracked,
fuck 'em, let's score goals.
That worked for about five minutes then our midfield
malfunctioned and their press had us playing one-twos
along our own byeline.
Add to that our defence showing the self-governing
comptence of the Afghan establishment, and we were
trussed-up on the slaughterhouse cart to fucktown.
Yet somehow, the team stuck to the Angeball insanity
and we prevailled agianst a very decent side, who'd
been excused their normal league duties last weekend
just to prepare for us.
So is the Athenian Fenian just Ronnie Deila with
bigger baws, or is there method in his madness?
Whatever, each coming game warrants beer and
popcorn. Thankfully, his next opponents are way
short of tonight's capabilities...
OVERALL - 7.5/10
Well... Phew. 'Mental As Anything' were an Aussie
band whose biggest hit has been murdered by the
illiterates all last season. This season, Big Ange
seems to be trying to keep the name alive with
face-melting approaches to the most tricky of ties.
Not any chin-stroking tonight - just go out and
score and see what they have in them to counter...
Well, they had our defence.
And then WE had our defence - so mysteriously
re-grouped and battling after half-time that
Arthur C. Clarke was spinning in his space-coffin.
So, somehow, we won through after two torrid ties
sponsored by the NBA. And we're in the group stages
among a respectable level of opponents with three
big home glamour ties to liven up the midweeks
through the coming autumn gloom.
Well done, the Hoops. Now, take it easy this weekend.
After the international break, we've got Ross Coonty
at home on the 11th and we don't want any slip-ups
like last season against them. I'd rest a few with
that one in mind...
Go Away Now.
Sandman. On the valium.
