Sandman
Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v RENTAGHOST
"Resolution 11: Move directly to Resolution 13, do not pass Go or
really talk about...um, 12..."
Celtic AGM (Angry Grown Men) 2019.
"Well, because they thought it was good sport. Because some men
aren't looking for anything logical, like money. They can't be bought,
bullied, reasoned, or negotiated with. Some men just want to watch
the world burn."
Alfred Pennyworth, about the Green Brigade, The Dark Knight (2008)
THE WALL - 8.5/10
'The Wall, The Wall, he saves the fucking ball!' is about as far as the
Xmas single's got. Tonight Rennes resorted to traditional skill-honing,
playing 'Wally' with The Wall. Magnificent goalkeeping. We await the
merchandise in the Celtic shops - the big purple battery-operated toy.
Steady, girls...
BAUER - 6.5/10
Busy punting his ranges of men's grooming implements for Xmas, the
blonde bombshell took time out to turn up at Paradise with his boots
for a kick-around. Had the flow of the game from the start using his
goldilocks as a meter. Bobbed his way untroubled through the ninety
and bobbed off immaculate; lassies in the crowd cursing him.
AJER - 6.5/10
Central to controversy in Rennes after some haphazard defending, this
was a quiet one for Ragnar Jr. Spent most of the night chatting to his
fellow countryman, the ref, in runic. Handled everything with little fuss,
even got timing right on their offside goal. VAR please!
JULLIEN CLARY - 7/10
What's French for suave? He is! Increasingly accomplished performances,
trademark low-velocity long balls finding their man and getting us up the
park, and a great sense of timing in crucial defensive situations. VVD MkII.
GREGGS - 7/10
Can he turn in a left back performance as good as his sausage rolls?
Or would his big Celtic Euro debut be a folding paper cup of overpriced
coffee?
Well, for 20 minutes until he settled, this was somewhere in-between,
like realising the sausage rolls, golden and roasting fresh out of the
oven have been pitched up to a pound a shot and the only way to get
value for money is to buy four for the price of three and that's yer
Sunday breakfast become Sunday lunch and dinner rolled into one
and you're spitting pastry for hours and trying to convince yourself it
was worth it as your stomach strains and groans and your heart adopts
a rhythm like a straitjacketed Hun bouncing around a padded cell
chasing the invisible fenian elf that keeps whispering 'liquidation' in
his ear.
And then Taylor was alright; Pretty decent, competent and the shirt looks
like it may fit.
BROON - 7.5/10
Fresh from stiffing unruly lesbians on Saturday, it was the turn of some
upstart French to taste the skipper's studs. Trouble was, big Jullien
got booted too (that backfired...) as Broony lashed into anything Gallic
except Sam Jackson because he knows his muthufuckin' limitations - also,
presumably why French Eddy was left out...
Yet The Broon dominated the RYT (Rennes Young Team) and bullied them into
submission by half-time. Eventually squared up to the ref and demanded,
'Book me, ya bass!' Now he can get the Xmas shopping in while the Bhoys
go to Vampireland. Job done. Like a boss.
CALMAC - 7/10
Rest? Ha-ha-haaaa! Metronomes do not rest. Celtic's one-man rhythm section
continues to conduct the orchestral manoeuvres with his unerring tidiness.
No impact play required tonight as he put the midfield into cruise control.
CHRISTIE - 8.5/10 MOTM
As the western world prepares to celebrate his mythical birthday by
running up unaffordable credit card bills, The Son Of Man holy ghosts
around Rennes, a mission of revenge after stonewall penalty denial and
general shiftiness thrown his way in the first game.
Booked, battered, and goalscorer-ed. His energy lifts us when required
and destroys the hopes of plucky opposition. His quick brain and feet
spark excitement and open up defences. His timing and movement create
new dimensions of possibility. Blessed is the bhoy. Amen.
MORGAN FREEMAN JR. - 7.5/10
'What d'you want for Christmas, favourite other-son?' "A starting place
in Europe, Uncle Lennony!" Wish granted. He-Who-Is-Inexplicably-Regarded-
Higher-Than-Sincy was announced by his Dad's God-voice to collective
frowning.
Then he put in a proper turn - sweet finish, tenacity on and off the ball;
only let-down was habitual wastefulness but that may be the ultimate tell -
if he refines and shakes it off it'll be a sign he's got class.
Still, from Hun mascot to Hooped hero - best character arc in the world.
Netflix special, please.
SAM JACKSON - 8/10
The French, mutuhfuckas? You know what they call a Quarter Pounder with
Cheese in Paris? And they put muthufuckin mayonnaise on the daym chips -
yes they do, an' this Muthufucka was the muthufckin mayo on the daym HOOPS,
muthufuckas!
Smooth and cool - Fonzi cool, muthufucukas - Muthufucka just got
muthufuckin' class. Totally in the muthufuckin' groove, laying on chances
left, right, centre, hustling, goal assist, assassination... Muthufucka
had those French cats in the bag tonight, muthufuckas. Daym mu-thu-fu-kin
right!
FORREST - 7/10
Left wing, Jamesy, not left baw, no. An opposite-side night for the
songless one. Still caused them problems continually, created Freeman Jr.'s
opener. Looked like he was having fun regardless of position.
Thankfully, Lennonoy recognised that and hooked him before the fun escalated
the way we know it can... And glass-collectors everywhere breathed a sigh of
relief.
SUBS:
MIKEY J - 7.5/10
The New Romantic scene is revived in the 67th minute as the ball-playing bouffant
returns from injury. 73rd minute and he's Magic Mike - Jamesy's favorite movie, by
the way - with a terrific finish to a snappy link with the Muthufucka. Welcome back,
impact kid.
BITTON - 6/10
Fit in like a plug in a socket. Neat and guileful - laid on Griff's chance.
GRIFFITHS - 5.5/10
Fluffed it, or should that be bum-fluffed it given whatever's growing on Sparky's
face. Looked like smashing in his big moment but never caught it cleanly.
LENNONY - 8.5/10
Shuffled, rested, picked his men for the moment - hi Lewis! - and relieved the men
we rely on most, got the win and got the group with a game to spare. Talk about
pitch-perfect planning. Now he can concentrate on the main prize - the NINE.
OVERALL: 8.5/10
So the Green Brigade want to burn down the stadium and Peter Lawwell wants to
turn it into a library, right? Well tonight internecine warfare was laid aside and an
atmosphere fitting of the ocassion generated in spite of the turmoil.
No pyro, plenty party - the Hoops made it look like this Euro lark is a piece of
peesh, as the French say. Another performance of stunning competence at a high
level reaffirms this squad have the capability to create mayhem in this competition.
Top Bhoys indeed. Now take it to Deliverance country on Sunday.
Go Away Now.
Sandman. Top of the Group.
"Resolution 11: Move directly to Resolution 13, do not pass Go or
really talk about...um, 12..."
Celtic AGM (Angry Grown Men) 2019.
"Well, because they thought it was good sport. Because some men
aren't looking for anything logical, like money. They can't be bought,
bullied, reasoned, or negotiated with. Some men just want to watch
the world burn."
Alfred Pennyworth, about the Green Brigade, The Dark Knight (2008)
THE WALL - 8.5/10
'The Wall, The Wall, he saves the fucking ball!' is about as far as the
Xmas single's got. Tonight Rennes resorted to traditional skill-honing,
playing 'Wally' with The Wall. Magnificent goalkeeping. We await the
merchandise in the Celtic shops - the big purple battery-operated toy.
Steady, girls...
BAUER - 6.5/10
Busy punting his ranges of men's grooming implements for Xmas, the
blonde bombshell took time out to turn up at Paradise with his boots
for a kick-around. Had the flow of the game from the start using his
goldilocks as a meter. Bobbed his way untroubled through the ninety
and bobbed off immaculate; lassies in the crowd cursing him.
AJER - 6.5/10
Central to controversy in Rennes after some haphazard defending, this
was a quiet one for Ragnar Jr. Spent most of the night chatting to his
fellow countryman, the ref, in runic. Handled everything with little fuss,
even got timing right on their offside goal. VAR please!
JULLIEN CLARY - 7/10
What's French for suave? He is! Increasingly accomplished performances,
trademark low-velocity long balls finding their man and getting us up the
park, and a great sense of timing in crucial defensive situations. VVD MkII.
GREGGS - 7/10
Can he turn in a left back performance as good as his sausage rolls?
Or would his big Celtic Euro debut be a folding paper cup of overpriced
coffee?
Well, for 20 minutes until he settled, this was somewhere in-between,
like realising the sausage rolls, golden and roasting fresh out of the
oven have been pitched up to a pound a shot and the only way to get
value for money is to buy four for the price of three and that's yer
Sunday breakfast become Sunday lunch and dinner rolled into one
and you're spitting pastry for hours and trying to convince yourself it
was worth it as your stomach strains and groans and your heart adopts
a rhythm like a straitjacketed Hun bouncing around a padded cell
chasing the invisible fenian elf that keeps whispering 'liquidation' in
his ear.
And then Taylor was alright; Pretty decent, competent and the shirt looks
like it may fit.
BROON - 7.5/10
Fresh from stiffing unruly lesbians on Saturday, it was the turn of some
upstart French to taste the skipper's studs. Trouble was, big Jullien
got booted too (that backfired...) as Broony lashed into anything Gallic
except Sam Jackson because he knows his muthufuckin' limitations - also,
presumably why French Eddy was left out...
Yet The Broon dominated the RYT (Rennes Young Team) and bullied them into
submission by half-time. Eventually squared up to the ref and demanded,
'Book me, ya bass!' Now he can get the Xmas shopping in while the Bhoys
go to Vampireland. Job done. Like a boss.
CALMAC - 7/10
Rest? Ha-ha-haaaa! Metronomes do not rest. Celtic's one-man rhythm section
continues to conduct the orchestral manoeuvres with his unerring tidiness.
No impact play required tonight as he put the midfield into cruise control.
CHRISTIE - 8.5/10 MOTM
As the western world prepares to celebrate his mythical birthday by
running up unaffordable credit card bills, The Son Of Man holy ghosts
around Rennes, a mission of revenge after stonewall penalty denial and
general shiftiness thrown his way in the first game.
Booked, battered, and goalscorer-ed. His energy lifts us when required
and destroys the hopes of plucky opposition. His quick brain and feet
spark excitement and open up defences. His timing and movement create
new dimensions of possibility. Blessed is the bhoy. Amen.
MORGAN FREEMAN JR. - 7.5/10
'What d'you want for Christmas, favourite other-son?' "A starting place
in Europe, Uncle Lennony!" Wish granted. He-Who-Is-Inexplicably-Regarded-
Higher-Than-Sincy was announced by his Dad's God-voice to collective
frowning.
Then he put in a proper turn - sweet finish, tenacity on and off the ball;
only let-down was habitual wastefulness but that may be the ultimate tell -
if he refines and shakes it off it'll be a sign he's got class.
Still, from Hun mascot to Hooped hero - best character arc in the world.
Netflix special, please.
SAM JACKSON - 8/10
The French, mutuhfuckas? You know what they call a Quarter Pounder with
Cheese in Paris? And they put muthufuckin mayonnaise on the daym chips -
yes they do, an' this Muthufucka was the muthufckin mayo on the daym HOOPS,
muthufuckas!
Smooth and cool - Fonzi cool, muthufucukas - Muthufucka just got
muthufuckin' class. Totally in the muthufuckin' groove, laying on chances
left, right, centre, hustling, goal assist, assassination... Muthufucka
had those French cats in the bag tonight, muthufuckas. Daym mu-thu-fu-kin
right!
FORREST - 7/10
Left wing, Jamesy, not left baw, no. An opposite-side night for the
songless one. Still caused them problems continually, created Freeman Jr.'s
opener. Looked like he was having fun regardless of position.
Thankfully, Lennonoy recognised that and hooked him before the fun escalated
the way we know it can... And glass-collectors everywhere breathed a sigh of
relief.
SUBS:
MIKEY J - 7.5/10
The New Romantic scene is revived in the 67th minute as the ball-playing bouffant
returns from injury. 73rd minute and he's Magic Mike - Jamesy's favorite movie, by
the way - with a terrific finish to a snappy link with the Muthufucka. Welcome back,
impact kid.
BITTON - 6/10
Fit in like a plug in a socket. Neat and guileful - laid on Griff's chance.
GRIFFITHS - 5.5/10
Fluffed it, or should that be bum-fluffed it given whatever's growing on Sparky's
face. Looked like smashing in his big moment but never caught it cleanly.
LENNONY - 8.5/10
Shuffled, rested, picked his men for the moment - hi Lewis! - and relieved the men
we rely on most, got the win and got the group with a game to spare. Talk about
pitch-perfect planning. Now he can concentrate on the main prize - the NINE.
OVERALL: 8.5/10
So the Green Brigade want to burn down the stadium and Peter Lawwell wants to
turn it into a library, right? Well tonight internecine warfare was laid aside and an
atmosphere fitting of the ocassion generated in spite of the turmoil.
No pyro, plenty party - the Hoops made it look like this Euro lark is a piece of
peesh, as the French say. Another performance of stunning competence at a high
level reaffirms this squad have the capability to create mayhem in this competition.
Top Bhoys indeed. Now take it to Deliverance country on Sunday.
Go Away Now.
Sandman. Top of the Group.
you’ve no hud yir cat nip 
will pop
