Sandman
Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v SATAN'S CONCUBINES
"We at the Seville Municipal Sewage And Sanitation Department
are proud to state that we maintained water levels in all
public toilets, troughs, sink holes and even those indeterminable
shitholes in the ground that are ubiquitous in old dodgy pubs,
just so that our visitors from Hunland had ample drinking
facilities. "
- Spokesperson for Integrated Water Resources Management (IWRM)
of the city of Seville, Spain.
ROXIE - 5/10
No chance with the goals, left exposed. Got some
stick for punches under pressure, the irony here
being that that was the quickest anyone had gotten
the ball forward all game and perhaps - a la
continental keepers - should be a regular thing
as it might startle others into fucking moving
quicker.
So at least someone laid a glove on something
today...
GREGGS THE BAKER - 3/10
Well, he tried to get busy, moving inside second-half
but overall appeared to be suffering from food poisoning;
played like he was, anyway.
WAYNE GRETZKY - 2/10
Part of the Johnson & Johnson conglomerate, pharmaceuticals
a speciality; clearly been at the opiods. Bizarrely out of
sorts.
OF JUSTICE - 5/10
Moderately passable, though looked spooked by the
dearth of Celticness around him on the pitch and may
have lapsed into a fugue as his rational brain reasoned
he must be still asleep, stuck in the middle of some
depressing dream.
GET CARTER - 4/10
Welcome back, but pick up their deadliest marksman
from the corners, ffs; Uncanny absence and awareness.
EDDIE TURNBULL - 1/10
Tormented them Hearts yins back in the day, he did.
Awoke from a nap to skelp our best effort of the day
before fading back into history.
CALMAC - 2/10
Jeez, they're not listening to you, skipper. And the
example wasn't there today as Calmac struggled to get
his own game flowing, never mind the team.
THE BUILDER - 5.5/10 MOTM
Probably best of a bad lot. Somehow forced wider due to
Eddie T's inclusion - not altered by the elite coach... -
he persisted in moving and attempting to cultivate, to
ignite some attacking craft. Unfortunately, appropriate
for time of year, he was left Home Alone.
BRIAN DE - 3.5/10
The difference between sand-dancer and guileful maverick
is a fine line sometimes. He crossed it today after early
promise. Crashed right down through it actually, second 45,
stumbling about like Gazza after a free bar at the annual
Wife-Beater's Xmas Bash (sic).
KILLER MUSHROOM - 2.5/10
The wee mhan. Deadliest since Henrik. Diluted by Buckball -
all that penalty box energy, that samurai-blade sharpness
blunted in his complicity in the 'dropping deeper' tactical
tweak.
Soon going to be the subject of an Akira Kurosawa tribute
film, titled 'The Futility Of Kyogo'.
So stop it. Let him hussle and press in and around the 18
yard box (that's the '20 meter penalty area,' kids...) and
hover like a Japanese Sparrowhawk, awaiting his lethal moment.
When it came today, he wasn't atuned to knocking in a finish
he'd have completed instinctively past 2 seasons.
Just play to his obvious strengths... For. Fuck's. Sake.
MIKEY J - 0/10
Goddamn. Mikey's had more Celtic sequels than Police Academy.
And this one... Well, sequels are only made for the sake of
diminishing box office returns. We look all but out of any
returns from Mikey who's shrunk enough to spend the whole half
in Cochrane's (worth signing this kid? Been a quality LB v us...)
pocket.
'
There were 7 'Police Academy's, ending with 'Mission To Moscow'.
Mikey's run might have ended at 'Empty Jesrsey'...
SUBS -
OH BHOY - 4/10
Rumbled on. We expected, but even with the dearth
of service, he still couldn't make an impact when
opportunities presented.
JAMESY - 4.5/10
'Gie's a touch!' is Jamesy's Xmas mantra, heard
at staff parties all around Prestick pubs. He's
been known to also be a bit of a hammer to the
Hearts in his time and despite being unable to
make history repeat, he was probably the best
of our 56 wingers today.
TONY THE TIGER - 5/10
You will ALWAYS get Celtic committment out of
Tony. A lesson to many others. And you often
get a killer ball or goalscoring heroics; but
he wasn't Sellick Santa this afternoon.
DIEGO ARMANDO MARADONA - 4/10
Reluctantly, Buck throws in Ange's project
and a shaky few touches brought groans. But
the kid can play and after he settled, flashed
the best cross of the day across the goalface;
no takers, surprise, surprise.
LORD KATSUMOTO - 4/10
A Daizen special - sitter missed and card
collected (ridiculously awarded). In fairness,
not yet fit enough to make a difference, but
no shortage of will.
THE SHNAKE - 2.5/10 (0.5 for every sub...)
Brendan's been at the Barca academy, didn't
you know? Studied their Tikki-Takka back in the day.
Put his own stamp on it and has brought us Chuckle
Brothers To-You-To-Me tedium.
There's many dry among us who'll circle jerk over
game management, composure, possession stats,
game intelligence, and I'll leave it to you to
play the Xmas dinner table game of conjouring more
The Office management-speak bollocks that'd trip
off the tongue of our own David Brent in the hotseat.
Facts are, Brendanistas - to this lunatic here it
would appear that the 'dressing room' is being lost,
to throw you another popular phase.
Apologising to fans on behalf of players who are
then thrown onto the London Road bus route doesn't
go down well with a group of young men already proven
motivated champions, who were playing some of the best
Celtic football of the Century - arguably THE best -
under the previous regime.
And it shouldn't sit well with the fans, either -
we've already seen what these bhoys can do.
So, 'elite coach Rodgers' stop being their pal behind
closed doors and their accuser in public and take off
that Gucci belt, wrap it round yer fist, and see if
you can salvage something out of a collapsing season
with a bit of steel on the training ground and a bit
of complicity with your charges in front of the media.
Not long left to prove himself either a talented coach
with innovative ideas or an old grifter on the take?
But will he? Saudi calling by the bells? I've got a
removal van ready and turning over for a night-time
trip if anyone's interested. Hmm...
MIBBERY - 5/10
Clancy Drew is such a soup-taker, it's excruciating
to watch. Though despite his finickitty and someties
incomprehensible takes on incidents, he and VAr only
had to sit back and laugh as we turned the shotgun on
ourselves. And still managed to miss our heid, but
not our feet...
OVERALL - FFS/10
You like stats? Here's one often ignored - How many
passes across the back do we make before deciding to
prod it forward: 5.6767
Tempo, intensity, pressing? Remember those? How about
speedy transitions, directness - 345 corners and one
fired into the box?
Zip, zest, injection of pace, passion...
Perth now looks no accident. Kilmarnock proving the
new norm after today's incredible home defeat to a
Hearts side who'd barely tasted Celtic Park victory
in a generation.
Not that we are entitled to win every one. But it is
the manner of defeat which is crucial here; timid,
within a performance that every bit felt like the
end-of-an-era stale, disinterested, lacklustre input
of a squad awaiting the next Messiah.
So Xmas is cancelled until the Huns slip up or are
put to the sword. Odds of that happening are lengthening
drastically and alarmingly.
The board (Boooo!), the squad, and the support (Shhhh!)
are all at odds and the title is well and truly on the
line. Summer appointments and transfers are proving
devisive. The best of times? No. The worst of times?
Not quite yet. But... Fractured times? Yup...
Go Away Now
Sandman
"We at the Seville Municipal Sewage And Sanitation Department
are proud to state that we maintained water levels in all
public toilets, troughs, sink holes and even those indeterminable
shitholes in the ground that are ubiquitous in old dodgy pubs,
just so that our visitors from Hunland had ample drinking
facilities. "
- Spokesperson for Integrated Water Resources Management (IWRM)
of the city of Seville, Spain.
ROXIE - 5/10
No chance with the goals, left exposed. Got some
stick for punches under pressure, the irony here
being that that was the quickest anyone had gotten
the ball forward all game and perhaps - a la
continental keepers - should be a regular thing
as it might startle others into fucking moving
quicker.
So at least someone laid a glove on something
today...
GREGGS THE BAKER - 3/10
Well, he tried to get busy, moving inside second-half
but overall appeared to be suffering from food poisoning;
played like he was, anyway.
WAYNE GRETZKY - 2/10
Part of the Johnson & Johnson conglomerate, pharmaceuticals
a speciality; clearly been at the opiods. Bizarrely out of
sorts.
OF JUSTICE - 5/10
Moderately passable, though looked spooked by the
dearth of Celticness around him on the pitch and may
have lapsed into a fugue as his rational brain reasoned
he must be still asleep, stuck in the middle of some
depressing dream.
GET CARTER - 4/10
Welcome back, but pick up their deadliest marksman
from the corners, ffs; Uncanny absence and awareness.
EDDIE TURNBULL - 1/10
Tormented them Hearts yins back in the day, he did.
Awoke from a nap to skelp our best effort of the day
before fading back into history.
CALMAC - 2/10
Jeez, they're not listening to you, skipper. And the
example wasn't there today as Calmac struggled to get
his own game flowing, never mind the team.
THE BUILDER - 5.5/10 MOTM
Probably best of a bad lot. Somehow forced wider due to
Eddie T's inclusion - not altered by the elite coach... -
he persisted in moving and attempting to cultivate, to
ignite some attacking craft. Unfortunately, appropriate
for time of year, he was left Home Alone.
BRIAN DE - 3.5/10
The difference between sand-dancer and guileful maverick
is a fine line sometimes. He crossed it today after early
promise. Crashed right down through it actually, second 45,
stumbling about like Gazza after a free bar at the annual
Wife-Beater's Xmas Bash (sic).
KILLER MUSHROOM - 2.5/10
The wee mhan. Deadliest since Henrik. Diluted by Buckball -
all that penalty box energy, that samurai-blade sharpness
blunted in his complicity in the 'dropping deeper' tactical
tweak.
Soon going to be the subject of an Akira Kurosawa tribute
film, titled 'The Futility Of Kyogo'.
So stop it. Let him hussle and press in and around the 18
yard box (that's the '20 meter penalty area,' kids...) and
hover like a Japanese Sparrowhawk, awaiting his lethal moment.
When it came today, he wasn't atuned to knocking in a finish
he'd have completed instinctively past 2 seasons.
Just play to his obvious strengths... For. Fuck's. Sake.
MIKEY J - 0/10
Goddamn. Mikey's had more Celtic sequels than Police Academy.
And this one... Well, sequels are only made for the sake of
diminishing box office returns. We look all but out of any
returns from Mikey who's shrunk enough to spend the whole half
in Cochrane's (worth signing this kid? Been a quality LB v us...)
pocket.
'
There were 7 'Police Academy's, ending with 'Mission To Moscow'.
Mikey's run might have ended at 'Empty Jesrsey'...
SUBS -
OH BHOY - 4/10
Rumbled on. We expected, but even with the dearth
of service, he still couldn't make an impact when
opportunities presented.
JAMESY - 4.5/10
'Gie's a touch!' is Jamesy's Xmas mantra, heard
at staff parties all around Prestick pubs. He's
been known to also be a bit of a hammer to the
Hearts in his time and despite being unable to
make history repeat, he was probably the best
of our 56 wingers today.
TONY THE TIGER - 5/10
You will ALWAYS get Celtic committment out of
Tony. A lesson to many others. And you often
get a killer ball or goalscoring heroics; but
he wasn't Sellick Santa this afternoon.
DIEGO ARMANDO MARADONA - 4/10
Reluctantly, Buck throws in Ange's project
and a shaky few touches brought groans. But
the kid can play and after he settled, flashed
the best cross of the day across the goalface;
no takers, surprise, surprise.
LORD KATSUMOTO - 4/10
A Daizen special - sitter missed and card
collected (ridiculously awarded). In fairness,
not yet fit enough to make a difference, but
no shortage of will.
THE SHNAKE - 2.5/10 (0.5 for every sub...)
Brendan's been at the Barca academy, didn't
you know? Studied their Tikki-Takka back in the day.
Put his own stamp on it and has brought us Chuckle
Brothers To-You-To-Me tedium.
There's many dry among us who'll circle jerk over
game management, composure, possession stats,
game intelligence, and I'll leave it to you to
play the Xmas dinner table game of conjouring more
The Office management-speak bollocks that'd trip
off the tongue of our own David Brent in the hotseat.
Facts are, Brendanistas - to this lunatic here it
would appear that the 'dressing room' is being lost,
to throw you another popular phase.
Apologising to fans on behalf of players who are
then thrown onto the London Road bus route doesn't
go down well with a group of young men already proven
motivated champions, who were playing some of the best
Celtic football of the Century - arguably THE best -
under the previous regime.
And it shouldn't sit well with the fans, either -
we've already seen what these bhoys can do.
So, 'elite coach Rodgers' stop being their pal behind
closed doors and their accuser in public and take off
that Gucci belt, wrap it round yer fist, and see if
you can salvage something out of a collapsing season
with a bit of steel on the training ground and a bit
of complicity with your charges in front of the media.
Not long left to prove himself either a talented coach
with innovative ideas or an old grifter on the take?
But will he? Saudi calling by the bells? I've got a
removal van ready and turning over for a night-time
trip if anyone's interested. Hmm...
MIBBERY - 5/10
Clancy Drew is such a soup-taker, it's excruciating
to watch. Though despite his finickitty and someties
incomprehensible takes on incidents, he and VAr only
had to sit back and laugh as we turned the shotgun on
ourselves. And still managed to miss our heid, but
not our feet...
OVERALL - FFS/10
You like stats? Here's one often ignored - How many
passes across the back do we make before deciding to
prod it forward: 5.6767
Tempo, intensity, pressing? Remember those? How about
speedy transitions, directness - 345 corners and one
fired into the box?
Zip, zest, injection of pace, passion...
Perth now looks no accident. Kilmarnock proving the
new norm after today's incredible home defeat to a
Hearts side who'd barely tasted Celtic Park victory
in a generation.
Not that we are entitled to win every one. But it is
the manner of defeat which is crucial here; timid,
within a performance that every bit felt like the
end-of-an-era stale, disinterested, lacklustre input
of a squad awaiting the next Messiah.
So Xmas is cancelled until the Huns slip up or are
put to the sword. Odds of that happening are lengthening
drastically and alarmingly.
The board (Boooo!), the squad, and the support (Shhhh!)
are all at odds and the title is well and truly on the
line. Summer appointments and transfers are proving
devisive. The best of times? No. The worst of times?
Not quite yet. But... Fractured times? Yup...
Go Away Now
Sandman
And he was lucky to score that highly!
, aye that stuff no beef anywhere to be seen... Worst team and worst fan performance I've ever seen at Celtic Park..
